Originally posted by GetOverYourself
I recognize that you are just raising the price of poker, but she is calling your raise.
Good analogy. They will lie when the facts are staring them right in the face! Now it's who has the best poker face and best hand. Just buying some time until I can get the real tape if she thinks one already exists and I have backed down to closure or resolving issues with a MC. The tape is a tool to get her out of denial if necessary. Infidelity is an addiction just like drugs and treated in a similar manner.
Don't get me wrong. I Love My Wife and not going to let her cop out that easy on our marriage and our Kids regardless! Even if she made mistakes in judgment. Mistakes happen and nobody is immune. The ability to forgive is priceless if I can manage to accept it and move forward. This is the reason. In Divorce the sad part is the kids become the innocent victims. My goal is to make it Work and fix it, Not Break It!
Will have to deal with possible Infidelity issues for a long time to get over if she confesses. I doubt it and I'm almost certain now it's taking place. Just need to confirm it to move forward.
She brought my oldest child in on the Tape issue over the cell phone calls last week. He was nowhere near when presenting the tape issue but probably inquired if he saw something outside briefly as leaving? She did not diffuse his question but instead answered the question and asked him questions apparently? She told me on the phone, the tape was probably from one of your vendors "From What Our Oldest Child Said" sitting next to her in the car at the same time. (saw the box) This was Wrong and a dead give-a-way cover up to diffuse the situation! Told her it was in an envelope, not a box. "Quit Feeding our kids bs" is what I told her.
See what I mean... enough rant.
Need to get her moving back in the right direction, open lines of communication more and be a better Husband.
Marriage was invented by people, not Mother Nature. Some will say
Dude I know the place you are at right now and it isn't at all good. This issue is literally all you can think about.
Here's the thing tho: The more you set traps, the more carefully she will walk.
People get sloppy when they are secure, not when they are under surveillance. I would suggest letting her take one of her trips. Alone. You just get the info as to where she'll be, etc. then you show up. You either catch her or "I missed you, so I thought I would come down, is that a problem??" This opens up new possibilities as well, show a little interest in what she is doing, and give it a chance to reconnect, if she isn't fooling around, she needs to get to know you again to save your marriage, if she is, hopefully you catch her in the act...(arrive late at night).
If you do nothing else NGM; find something else to focus on (At least some of the time), take it from me; you will develop an ulcer, and they aren't fun either.
I hope hope that we're wrong, that your wife is simply taking some space, but even if no affair, something weird is going on.
I wish you the best!
-Dazed
*-[i]edited cuz me cahnknot speill a wurd.
Last edited by DazednConfused; 22nd March 2005 at 7:38 PM..
Dude I know the place you are at right now and it isn't at all good. This issue is literally all you can think about.
Here's the thing tho: The more you set traps, the more carefully she will walk.
People get sloppy when they are secure, not when they are under surveillance. I would suggest letting her take one of her trips. Alone. You just get the info as to where she'll be, etc. then you show up. You either catch her or "I missed you, so I thought I would come down, is that a problem??" This opens up new possibilities as well, show a little interest in what she is doing, and give it a chance to reconnect, if she isn't fooling around, she needs to get to know you again to save your marriage, if she is, hopefully you catch her in the act...(arrive late at night).
If you do nothing else NGM; find something else to focus on (At least some of the time), take it from me; you will develop an ulcer, and they aren't fun either.
I hope hope that we're wrong, that your wife is simply taking some space, but even if no affair, something weird is going on.
I wish you the best!
-Dazed
*-[i]edited cuz me cahnknot speill a wurd.
Stuff is starting stink when I pushed. She won't answer her VM (but has left a message on my answering machine) Was gong to do some work at Mother's house but don't need me now later this week for free?
I've not posted on your thread to this point...been pretty busy with my own issues for the most part. But...here's my thoughts.
I'ts very very clear that your wife is lying and hiding something massive from you. I agree that the "games" you've played up to this point weren't very smart friend...seriously, that kind of stuff does nothing but JUSTIFY her behavior in her eyes.
So here are my thoughts...
Affairs require resources to accomplish and sustain. Your GC is a good example. Whatever her problem is, it takes money to support (I'm wondering about the possibility of drugs myself). Typically, an affair will require a lot of time (which you've noted she's spent), money (which you've started to realize she's not being honest about), and communication. And it's the LAST one that is the easiest for you to track.
Step 1 (Money)- What credit cards is she using? Do you have access to the bills from them? If they're joint accounts, most companies have online statements that you can use to see where the money has been spent. Look for gifts, flowers, motel rooms, etc...anything that doesn't jive with what you know of her spending habits. Compare the date/times of the purchases with what you know of her work schedule. Look at the costs of what she's purchasing for meals...are they for one, or two? Take a look at all your banking statements...I'd bet you a sandwhich that she's been squirreling them away so you cant see them.
Step 2 (Time)- This one is a little harder to prove, but you've already started noticing inconsistencies in her story about where she's been when. Maybe you can't afford a PI...most of us can't. But you might be able to persuade a friend to tail her sometime when you suspect she may be up to something. Or take some time off of work, borrow someone's car that she's not likely to know, and do it yourself. On the "retreat" thing...for fun, call her boss while she's at work, and ask him what the dates/times are for it...because you were hoping to "surprise" your wife with a gift or visit while she was away! Make it sound romantic...people are suckers for wanting to help someone do something special for a spouse. LOL Don't know who her boss is? No problems...call her work from a pay phone, and simply INSIST that you speak to a manager...get their name, and there ya go! Be polite, but very, VERY firm about needing to talk with a manager...NOW, please. Or again, have a friend do it, so that the boss doesn't recognize your voice when you call back to "setup your surprise".
Step 3 (Communication)- Affairs need TONS of this...so it's easy to start looking for this one. Do you have access to her voice mail on her mobile phone? If not, get it. Take a guess at her password...most people use no more than 5-6 passwords, and normally these are things that someone who knows them can guess at. Same thing goes for any email/IM accounts that you know she uses. If you have a home computer, install a keylogger on it ASAP. If she's in a habit of taking calls out of the room ("Its work honey, and I just can't hear in here!"), start putting a voice activated recorder in the room she takes the calls in...keep it well hidden, but near where she talks. Almost all of the major wireless phone providers give their customers access to online invoices. Same deal...start looking at that...because most affairs have a LOT of calls going on...and often, a lot of texting too. Many of these companies update their sites so that you can view calls made that day, or at least the day before. She calling one number all the time? Call it from a number that your wife wouldn't recognize, and try to figure out who it could be. Do a reverse phone number lookup online, and get a name and address. While you're at it, do a search online for you wife's name, and any "nicknames" or screen names you know she uses. You might be surprised at what you find. Oh, and that voice activated recorder I mentioned...one of those hidden under the drivers seat of her car might be a good idea too...check Radio Shack for a decent, small, cheap one.
If all of this doesn't give you proof, one way or another, then you're married to Houdini's mistress!
Good luck, and let me know what you find on the bills and invoices...that's the quickest and easiest things to look at.
__________________
"Do, or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
Thanks Owl. Your right about the games... Not good at all. So I'm pulling back and regrouping. The stress is eating me alive and need to focus on other productive things. Communication is key and needs to be open.
Found an IRA for $1200 cashed out with no paper trail to where it went? Another weird one was when she left to go camping on Thursday afternoon last week she made a Debit Card purchase for groceries 50 miles away toward her destination posted on Thursday.. Makes sense. Her trip was not back this way.
A gas purchase was posted on Monday where we live (Same City) from HER debit card? Must had been sometime after 2PM Friday and Monday to be posted on Monday the next business day. Got a feeling she's getting her Family and our oldest child involved to help cover her tracks for whatever reasons she desires. Very tight family.
I got a jest from one of her Sisters that she needs time by herself maybe? That's why I did not go. OK... so why lie about it and sneak around if your're not hiding anything?
So how would you defend someone cashing in a $1200 CD without discussing that with their spouse, and the money just disappears?
I agree that it may not be an affair...and that this guy may be overreacting on some things...but there is SOMETHING going on here that they need to get addressed and fixed in their marriage.
And as far as Uberfrau's comment that people hide affairs from EVERYONE: That's not absolutely true. They'll share them with people that they think will SUPPORT them in what they're doing. The only reason they hide them is because they know that they're wrong, and they don't want to be slammed for their actions. If they know they'll be supported, they'll share, to attempt to justify their actions.
As far as the rest of Uber's comments: These comments are in no way meant to assist anyone...they're attacking, they're borderline racist, and I am REALLY hoping that we can get a moderator to finally come in and do something about your posts.
Originally posted by Owl
LJ- So how would you defend someone cashing in a $1200 CD without discussing that with their spouse, and the money just disappears?
I agree that it may not be an affair...and that this guy may be overreacting on some things...but there is SOMETHING going on here that they need to get addressed and fixed in their marriage.
I agree that there's SOMETHING going on that's just unhealthy for the marriage, and that NGM should make an effort to find out what it is. I just think he's making a mistake in drawing conclusions without supporting facts.
Without knowing exactly what's going on....he could be exacerbating the problem. He's making an assumption that there MUST be infidelity in play and REACTING accordingly.
She could have given the $1200. to a divorce lawyer, or spent it in a casino, or spent it on illicit drugs, or spent it on her boyfriend. His reaction, assuming that his goal is to preserve the marriage, would need to be taylored specifically to the facts.
Last edited by Ladyjane14; 24th March 2005 at 11:53 AM..
Aye, since she's hiding SOMETHING, I think the steps I've recommended he take still apply. He'll be able to get a handle on who she's communicating with (could be OM, could be dealer, could be bookie, could be lawyer, etc...), and where the money's going.
At this point, if the communication has broken down to where they CAN'T talk about what the problem is, I don't think he'll be able to get her to address it until he exposes whatever the issue is. That, or escalate the issue to the point where she HAS to acknowledge it...make it clear to her that he can't live with her under these circumstances.
She could have given the $1200. to a divorce lawyer, or spent it in a casino, or spent it on illicit drugs, or spent it on her boyfriend. His reaction, assuming that his goal is to preserve the marriage, would need to be taylored specifically to the facts.
Thing is, WHY Did she take it in the first place and deny taking it when asked??? He saw her take it!
As for our little rude posting buddy, SOME of what he/she says could be more helpful but usually it isn't. Owl said it properly ... "These comments are in no way meant to assist anyone...they're attacking, they're borderline racist"
Something is going on in this marriage and something isn't right with her. She has given him enough reason to doubt and act suspicious. May not be an affair but the red flags are flying high most of the time. He is married to her so he knows that she's changed somehow.
Well owl looks like they canned uberfrau.. I had hoped someone would've done something about your posts when you told this one fella to date my wife and accused her of an open marriage. You never understood her points. I read it all and many just did not understand her, so good work buddy. She'll get another profile though.
LOL! You're blaming OWL for your wife being kicked off the site??? YOU Ever sit and read what she writes to other peoples posts???? HELLOOOO? I personally think you both are the same fricken person. WTF is going on and I don't undertand what you're talking about. I must have missed something!
It may have not been owl but its a coincidence that he makes the comment and she is now disabled. Honestly We are 2 different people. I used to post as Portableversion or dude x. I have posted on her thread and read her posts. I agree she really incited anger but then I got mad when when I saw people attack her with assumptions that were not correct and it started with her first thread the myth of monogamy. I thought it was time to create ubermann to try to maybe chill things out a little. We discussed her posts together hell i yelled at her on here on day, but now her profile is disabled.
But I wanted to create ubermann when I read other people saying they ought to date her, I thought thats enough. People made insinuations that we had some kind of kinky arrangement going on and I did not want to read that. We have no kinky arrangements. We have our problems like everyone else.
I always liked reading the ls and I found it helpful.
I assure you if you lived with me you would've probably made much worse comments. I can't take all the credit for her posts but I cant hepl to think I helped it out.
I just gotta tell you.................I am a cheater. I cheated, years later cheated again, and currently idealize cheating. I will never ever ever save my own marriage. I think I married someone who won't care.
I am an expert on cheating. I have chosen to give you the benefit of knowledge and I will not ever be on this website again.
Sweetheart, cheaters will DO WHAT THEY CAN.
They will have:
a)the most complicated plans
b)the most reasonable excuses
c) the most logical explanations
d)and the common denominator is that you are an a=hole if you don't go along with it
Your wife is a cheater., I takes one to know one. I am one. She probably thinks you are a jerk. Bust her out cold enough to warrant respect - (it's worth regaining_ and then I think you should move on with a single life. (she has, and you are still married)
If you need a friend, I would love to be that friend.
I am happily married, but I know the insides of a ruined relationship and I will always listen to you. my e-mail is guitargirlkjc@aol.com
I have no intentions of "threadjacking" here...please take a look at the pinned thread at the top of the infidelity site for my response to your comments here. It's the one that was authored by Midori. Thank you!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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