I'm tellin' you Rio, me reading that previous post criticizing this guide was like listening to someone being criticized for throwing a life preserver to a drowing man!
No Foolin your post offers little to anyone serious about reclaiming a relationship...and yes it can be done and many have done it.You sink hopes before people can even get started,
If you believe you can't then you are right, if you believe however that you can then you also are right...why sink yourself before you even start?.
You advocate no contact and up too a point that is a good thing but it is not sensible is to go on with out contact for ever.(Might just as well go away and die).No contact may achieve a clean break i grant you but most are looking for a way forward to a reconciliation.
Nothing in nature is permanent including feelings.What feelings once existed can return. Love ebbs and flows..."No" does not mean never it often means "not right now".
The blunt truth as you see it probably hurts more people and stops them from trying....these people may have a chance with some compassionate and intelligent guidance.
The place to start is for those who have lost love to demonstrate the ability not to become embittered with their ex and to be able to function without them, to display true love for their ex in spite of what has happened and re-etablish goodwill and respect. When people (though not all) percieve that you love them regardless (without becoming a doormat)it becomes hard for their hearts to remain hardened against you. When people see that you love them from sense of "care and respect" and not need "clinging like a barnacle") then they can relax and drop their emotional guard.
People do sense when they are truly loved. they know that love given freely for their benefit (and not for the benefit of the giver who just wants them back like some kind of possession....thats when they will keeep their guard up) is love worth having.Is it easy to demonstrate this?...no it is'nt but it can work if one applies themselves dilligently and faithfully to the task(just make sure that you do indeed really love the other person before you start)...for people reading here and in need hope and guidence i would suggest you either get hold of the book "love tactics" or "the divorce remedy".
Hey...
That was both well written AND inspirational!
I lost love with my ex of 18 years and we've since become long distance buddies. Since the trip down here to visit our son, and I thoughtlessly loved her for being who she is and not because of the needy side she has even called me to say she'll stay with us next trip down, and "somehow" has me talked into buying the next ticket. AND she said she is planning at "some" point to move here to our state/city. Even called me a ole' pet name we had... purely accidental but due to my being respectful and not co-dependant!
Bruised and Regressing after No Reply to My E-mail
I was in an 11 year relationship that ended badly almost 2 years ago after we decided to cohabitate. Because there was a STRONG suspicion of indelity on his part, and some verbal cruelness, I was able to let the anger control my urge not to contact. There was 0 contact for the 1st 4 months. The 5th month he sent me a, "How are you e-mail" which I briefly responded to. Afterwards I deleted several other e-mails without reading, and I let him know. The last communication we've had was via e-mail last August. I was told by mutual friends that he had met someone new.
I've tried e-mailing several times this year: once in January for his birthday, once in April , once in May and finally in June. The last e-mail stated that I wasn't trying to interfere in his life, I just wanted to say hello and hear how he was doing. I let him know that it was my final e-mail.
Ever since I've been really blue, thrown back into day one, wondering how come he didn't respond, who's he with, etc....
I know it's stupid and I shouldn't care. But afterall it was 11 years of my life
I was in an 11 year relationship that ended badly almost 2 years ago after we decided to cohabitate. Because there was a STRONG suspicion of indelity on his part, and some verbal cruelness, I was able to let the anger control my urge not to contact. There was 0 contact for the 1st 4 months. The 5th month he sent me a, "How are you e-mail" which I briefly responded to. Afterwards I deleted several other e-mails without reading, and I let him know. The last communication we've had was via e-mail last August. I was told by mutual friends that he had met someone new.
I've tried e-mailing several times this year: once in January for his birthday, once in April , once in May and finally in June. The last e-mail stated that I wasn't trying to interfere in his life, I just wanted to say hello and hear how he was doing. I let him know that it was my final e-mail.
Ever since I've been really blue, thrown back into day one, wondering how come he didn't respond, who's he with, etc....
I know it's stupid and I shouldn't care. But afterall it was 11 years of my life
Exactly it is stupid...Sorry to be blunt or come off sounding harsh, but it won't be of benefit for anyone to give you a pity party. Yes it was 11 years of your life, but from your description it was not pleasurable. It ended. Life is rough but you are still alive. Are you suffering from any major illness? Are you walking? Are you fit? Do you have a job or home or friends? Of course he is not responding. He got a life and so should you! Personally I do think you were trying to interfere with his life. Maybe he's happy..and now you want to reopen what may have been an equally bad memory of a bad relationship. Relentless trying to contact him, is an indication you are still addicted and emotionally dependent. Seek help from a therapist and compassion from friends and loved ones. But first start by burying the past. It's over.
I see it's your first post but sorry I won't bs you and give you false hope by telling you keep trying to contact him...I hope you can motivate yourself to let what is holding you back go.
Appreciate you being blunt. Deep down, I know you're right. I usually do ok for several months and then BAM. This time it's taken me longer to rebound. I have a great job, great home, above average looking.... could lose about 10 pounds. I've started walking again and I have seen a therapist. Nothing seems to help
The no reply to my e-mail should let me know that things areover and to get on with my life
Appreciate you being blunt. Deep down, I know you're right. I usually do ok for several months and then BAM. This time it's taken me longer to rebound. I have a great job, great home, above average looking.... could lose about 10 pounds. I've started walking again and I have seen a therapist. Nothing seems to help
The no reply to my e-mail should let me know that things areover and to get on with my life
We all have good days and bad days...but you don't have to act on it. Meaning quit the contacting him. Because deep down you know it's over so you're only reinforcing and reminding yourself that he's rejecting you again. You got so comfortable with the pain of the bad relationship you had with him you keep repeating it again...Nothing seems to help because you tell yourself it doesn't help. Again you are reprogramming your mind to feel defeated. How do you reverse it. reprogram your mind to see that your fortunate to be able to start afresh. EVERYDAY WE GET A CHANCE TO MOVE AHEAD OR FEEL BAD. oops there I go again being abrassive!
I have read through this ENTIRE thread the past few days. It has been incredibly helpful. Can I refer you guys to my thread, I have been mostly talking to myself and I haven't been doing very well at all ;-(
I've been reading through this thread, and there is some crazy good info and advice in here. The thing that really struck a chord with me is that for the most part we are all lucky like NF says. I mean if I had stayed with my ex, sure I would have a sex partner back in my life but other than that she took me away from all that I loved and what meant the most to me. My social and family life suffered a lot when I was with her and I couldn't do the things that I loved to do, and to top it all off she posed a threat to my career aspirations too...just wasn't worth it. Sure it still hurts bad at times, but I know in my heart that I am so much better off without her.
I know its hard brother, but how does all of this drama with girl make YOU feel? I know you love her, but what toll is this taking on you........That is what concerns me.
Think: In all relationships we are trying to take care of needs, some surface: Sex, closeness, compainionship. Others are under the surface: shoring up pain from childhood or various tramatic events like abandonment or rejection. You need to ask yourself these questions and understand your attraction to her.
Another thing: Love is more of a verb than a noun. When you love someone you are loving them. You love her. She leaves for other dudes, is she loving (verb) you, NO. weigh the cost and it appears you are losing more than you are winning. Stopping yourself from growing. Its a moment of clairity when you see that she is shoring up needs that have nothing to do with you. FOR YOU, roll out, get yourself free, there are at least 60 way to leave your lover
I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for her to call, that's for sure. I pretty sure that what he said to get her down there and what he does now is two different things and I'm also sure she regrets going there by now but hey, I tried to tell her and she knew what she was getting into. She threw a perfectly good relationship away for nothing, so you're right about the drama and all the crap associated with her. She actually did me a favor when I look back on it because if I can survive that kind of hurt and rejection, then asking someone out and getting a simple "no" won't really mean anything. It certainly can't be any worse than what I just experienced.
Last edited by jimtash; 17th February 2005 at 11:14 AM..
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