I just want to say thank you for this post.. right now i'm trying to get back with my ex, but we both know it will never be the same. her parents/friends dislike me with such hate.. i'm at a loss for thoughts these days my life seems to be getting worse by the minute. i do love her and don't want to lose her again but i'm not sure how to go about things..
This is one of the best things i have ever read .. thanks for recommeding me to read this WWUp... i am copying this to index cards like the man said and pinning them to my desk so i do not loose sight of what i have to do.... yes this should get pinned .... thanks so much for writing this... :-)
i completely agree, and at the moment i would like to severely injure my ex for doing this. granted, i would like to keep in contact with him .... but not now, not so soon after all the **** we went through. and no, i do not plan on getting back together with him, or being his "friend". stupid man!
wow, fabulous thread !
Thank you No Foolin, and to all others sharing their thoughts and ideas here. This is an incredible collection of good stuff...
And great job bumping it, it should _really_ be stickied...
I see the point and the value of NC. But, somehow, I am not convinced that independence is a goal in itself. I think I tend to agree more with NewMe and DeaconFrost in that relationships and intimacy is what we should be looking for, and that is the ground that will help us grow and become fulfilled.
Of course we can all survive outside relationships. Both physically, and emotionally. But, at least for most of us, that's what it would all be: mere survival. It is more satisfying, fulfilling, and enriching, to _build_ something, to _give_ and receive in exchange, freely on both sides...
And yes, I am having a hard time too dealing with certain words of affection, love, and so on, that have been spoken, but are in no way connected to the present. And it makes me wonder whether all relationships are indeed only temporary, if all our feelings are just ephemereal, and so on... I want to hope that it's not the case. That we _can_ actually build things to last, _especially_ when you put so much soul and life into them...
Because if it's all temporary, then what's the point in getting into a relationship at all ? It's all gonna end anyway...
I have always been a loner, before meeting my wife. And I strongly believed in one's independence. To a large extent, this is what ruined our marriage.
I don't feel/think that way anymore. I've spent the first 25 or so years of my life valuing my independence, my freedom and my liberties. And I got into a marriage thinking that I could somehow maintain them to some significant degree. I was dead wrong.
Like others said, love and commitment in a relationship means that you have to give away some of your freedom. But I think it's worth it, considering what you get in return, and seeing that your actions are reciprocated freely.
I was a great supporter of independence, and living alone - short-term relationships are fine, but nothing more serious than that.
I don't believe that anymore, even though it's very hard for me to admit that I was wrong feeling that way for so many years. But I think that only through a relationship can one become better in a certain way, and have certain good things brought up to the surface.
Even choosing 'No Contact' as the only decision left that allows him survival beyond one relationship, does not mean that a man takes what is left of his heart and locks it away to never love again in another.
-Rio
Last edited by riobikini; 19th February 2006 at 2:03 AM..
Great post. This has really helped me get through a lot. However, throughout the whole 20 pages, I didn't see some issues addressed that I think are really important.
I am a man. I was the dumper. Men who dump get it the hardest from society, and this post is no different. However, I did it for the right reasons.
I realized that I was not mature enough to be in a long term relationship, and the problems in our relationship were caused mostly by this lack of maturity. Coming to terms with these feelings is as hard as being the dumpee. How difficult is it to think that maybe I missed The One because of something so stupid as "timing"? Later, when I am ready, she will most likely be with someone else, because she is beautiful, charming, and on the way up. And what about coming to terms with not being able to fully love, experience love? The emptiness is debilitating. I deleted her from my phone to respect her NC wishes, and now my phone is full of nothing but people I don't want to call. My job is already pointless, and the only pleasure I derived during the day was calling her on breaks.
I am free to bang any chick I want, and I don't even feel like putting in the effort. One girl even threw it at me last Saturday. I took a pass. I didn't give a ****.
I know that we were not supposed to be together, at least not right now. So I did the right thing. I am not sitting pining about it; I am doing the things to make myself a more mature man -- meeting new people, getting new experiences.
BUT!!!!
Contrary to what many may believe, the male dumper is not always an unemotional jerk looking to use 'er and lose 'er. At least not the males who are trying to become honest, good men.
No Foolin your post offers little to anyone serious about reclaiming a relationship...and yes it can be done and many have done it.You sink hopes before people can even get started,
If you believe you can't then you are right, if you believe however that you can then you also are right...why sink yourself before you even start?.
You advocate no contact and up too a point that is a good thing but it is not sensible is to go on with out contact for ever.(Might just as well go away and die).No contact may achieve a clean break i grant you but most are looking for a way forward to a reconciliation.
Nothing in nature is permanent including feelings.What feelings once existed can return. Love ebbs and flows..."No" does not mean never it often means "not right now".
The blunt truth as you see it probably hurts more people and stops them from trying....these people may have a chance with some compassionate and intelligent guidance.
The place to start is for those who have lost love to demonstrate the ability not to become embittered with their ex and to be able to function without them, to display true love for their ex in spite of what has happened and re-etablish goodwill and respect. When people (though not all) percieve that you love them regardless (without becoming a doormat)it becomes hard for their hearts to remain hardened against you. When people see that you love them from sense of "care and respect" and not need "clinging like a barnacle") then they can relax and drop their emotional guard.
People do sense when they are truly loved. they know that love given freely for their benefit (and not for the benefit of the giver who just wants them back like some kind of possession....thats when they will keeep their guard up) is love worth having.Is it easy to demonstrate this?...no it is'nt but it can work if one applies themselves dilligently and faithfully to the task(just make sure that you do indeed really love the other person before you start)...for people reading here and in need hope and guidence i would suggest you either get hold of the book "love tactics" or "the divorce remedy".
No Foolin your post offers little to anyone serious about reclaiming a relationship...and yes it can be done and many have done it.You sink hopes before people can even get started,
If you believe you can't then you are right, if you believe however that you can then you also are right...why sink yourself before you even start?.
You advocate no contact and up too a point that is a good thing but it is not sensible is to go on with out contact for ever.(Might just as well go away and die).No contact may achieve a clean break i grant you but most are looking for a way forward to a reconciliation.
Nothing in nature is permanent including feelings.What feelings once existed can return. Love ebbs and flows..."No" does not mean never it often means "not right now".
The blunt truth as you see it probably hurts more people and stops them from trying....these people may have a chance with some compassionate and intelligent guidance.
The place to start is for those who have lost love to demonstrate the ability not to become embittered with their ex and to be able to function without them, to display true love for their ex in spite of what has happened and re-etablish goodwill and respect. When people (though not all) percieve that you love them regardless (without becoming a doormat)it becomes hard for their hearts to remain hardened against you. When people see that you love them from sense of "care and respect" and not need "clinging like a barnacle") then they can relax and drop their emotional guard.
People do sense when they are truly loved. they know that love given freely for their benefit (and not for the benefit of the giver who just wants them back like some kind of possession....thats when they will keeep their guard up) is love worth having.Is it easy to demonstrate this?...no it is'nt but it can work if one applies themselves dilligently and faithfully to the task(just make sure that you do indeed really love the other person before you start)...for people reading here and in need hope and guidence i would suggest you either get hold of the book "love tactics" or "the divorce remedy".
Uh what are you saying? I think the guide makes total sense. You have read this guide and find fault. But have you read all the endless threads of people who are literally banging their head against the wall, clinging to hope and keep getting their nuts kicked in (this applies to the girls too) and tearing themselves up because their EX's have clearly broken it off. It is astonishing to me how those who are against NC, or against this guide forget one aspect..if you think your way is working and yet you still write on the boards your frustrations about the ex and failed attempts at reconciliation...then keep doing as you've done. Keep being the hampster in the cage. But there are those of us who appreciate his guidance because it's REAL. It's hardcore.
Write a guide about how to recoup the ex who dumped you. List some pointers about how to get back with the ex. POST IT so no one will miss it. And let's see how effective it is.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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