[very_sorry]

Hi, this is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right forum. I think maybe some people who went through the affair stuff can help me.

I am a MM and I had an affair one year ago with a co-worker. I had been married for only 3 years and I know, it really sucks that I was able to make this stupid mistake in such a short time. The amazing thing is that I love my wife more than anything, I was and I am completely in love with her and I cannot even think of not spending the rest of my life with her. But still I screwed up big time.

My wife is very smart, independent and has a very strong personality. We always had a very passionate relationship but right after our marriage she started working more and more and we were not spending too much time together. I was hurt and I told her I was not happy about that, that I missed her, and she should spent more quality time with me. I was very happy about her career, I was very proud of her accomplishments and everything else, but I also thought she should put me - and our marriage - in the first place and we had lots of arguments about that. I never thought I was being selfish but she saw it as my attempt to "make her a housewife kind of woman" and that was not what I wanted for sure. I don't know, we clearly had major communication problems and unfortunately I chose the wrong way to have my needs met.

I am in no way justifying what I did, there were one million other ways to fix whatever was wrong with our marriage and I just chose the easy way out, I know that. This woman who worked with me was always very tender, very nice, very concerned and I was feeling needy and she was there, that's it. I wasn't in love with her, I wasn't completely overwhelmed by the sex neither I ever thought about leaving my wife. She was just there, and I know that sounds very cold but I'm being honest with you. I wanted some "loving time" and she gave me that in a time my wife had other priorities in her life.

This stupid thing went on for 4 months, not an everyday thing, more like once a week. It was OK, but I was not happy with her, she was not happy with me and we thought it would be better to just end our relationship. We were still working for the same company for a while but then she got another job and we never met again. My wife got settled in her new position, she was still working way too much, but things got better and I just accepted the fact that although my wife loves me she is not the type who will put a husband as the most important thing in her life. I don't want to be unfair to her, my wife is not unemotional at all, she always showed me how much she loved me and cared about me, it was just I wanted more but it's probably some issue I have to deal with. This is not a problem to me anymore, I love her and just want to be with her.

I have read hundreds of posts here where everybody says that the WH has to tell his wife about the affair as soon as possible and I wish I had found this site before. I never told her anything of course, I thought it was just a stupid mistake and if she didn't know about it she wouldn't be hurt. Maybe I was right, the only thing is that I think there's no way to keep something like that a secret forever. The woman I have an affair with talked about it with some of her friends and then you know... a friend tell another friend who tell another friend... my wife found out in about 3 months after it was finished.

It was hell, but I never lied to her, when she confronted me I told her the truth and my "justification" for doing it, how left out I was feeling, that I felt she didn't love me enough, everything. I was expecting her to yell at me, to kick my a*s, whatever. I was expecting her to be really furious with me and of course I would deserve it. But she was not, I wish she was, she is really emotional and I know how to handle her anger. But instead she was so deeply hurt she couldn't even yell at me. I never saw her so sad, so disappointed and so distant. I begged for her forgiveness, I promised I won't ever do that again (and I won't) but she didn't want to listen, she just packed her things and left me alone. I told her I would leave our house and then we could talk later but she just left. It was the most horrible moment in my life.

After some days we met and we could talk and eventually (after some months) we moved in together again. We never REALLY discussed what happened because she just didn't want to talk about it and she told me very clearly that she decided to just move on. She says she sees no point of talking about something she cannot change and that nothing I can tell her will ever make her forget what happened. She told me there will not be a third chance and if I screw up again that's it. I have no contact with that woman and I don't want to, I am fully committed to regain her trust again if that's possible. I told her maybe we should have some counselling but she said no and that I was trying to blame her for what I did. That was not my intention at all, I don't know, I really need advices because I clearly don't know how to communicate, and I don't want to hurt her anymore.

We are now 1 year from my affair and it really sucks... she is not the same with me, yes she never talked about it again, she doesn't even mention it but she is a completely different person, very distant... I told her I could see she was not over it and we should talk about it or maybe talk to somebody but she doesn't want to. She asked me what is the problem, don’t we have sex almost everyday? Isn’t it good? I told her sex was never the problem, I was very happy with what we had, I WAS JUST STUPID. She asked me don't I take care of you, the house, everything else? Don't I look beautiful? Don't I listen to your problems and help you whenever you need? I said yes, you do all those things to me, but I want INTIMACY, I want YOU to talk to me, I want YOU to share YOUR feelings and YOUR problems, I want YOU to tell me you hate me and you hate what I did and what a jerk I am, anything, but just TALK TO ME. She said "I can't do that, what we have now is the maximum I can give you. Take it or leave it". Those were her words, take it or leave it.

I don't know what to do. I LOVE MY WIFE, I know I was an a**hole and she didn't deserve it but I REALLY LOVE HER. I read so many books and I'm trying to learn the most I can to try to make her happy and maybe one day she can forget what happened and just be happy with me. But it takes two people to make it work... I need some guidance, how to make her to be open to me again? Or I just have to take whatever I have?