If you have to give someone an ultimatum to marry you then you shouldn't be getting married. I have see far too many marriages end in divorce after having been given an ultimatum. If this man doesn't truly want you by his side after six years then I think it's time to move on. I ended a five year relationship in my early twenties - you'll be happier in the long run. Find someone that adores you and wants to marry you and have a family. To accept anything less would be a mistake.
__________________
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
__________________
Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
Originally posted by Pocky
If you have to give someone an ultimatum to marry you then you shouldn't be getting married. I have see far too many marriages end in divorce after having been given an ultimatum. If this man doesn't truly want you by his side after six years then I think it's time to move on. I ended a five year relationship in my early twenties - you'll be happier in the long run. Find someone that adores you and wants to marry you and have a family. To accept anything less would be a mistake.
yeah, i am in total agreement with what POCKY said above
I have two firends who got engaged. She's still in Med school and he works at a radio station. Thanks Lord for their parents, 'cause theri income is almost inexistent!! They live at her place. Yet he got her a nice ruby ring: 600E.
Sorry, I cannot believe your bf did this. Love means understanding the other person and occasionally indulging into his/her idiosyncrasies. Call me a materialistic bitch, but if both people can afford it, I think it's dissrespectful from him not to offer you something you like and not ashamed of wearing.
This tells a lot about what he's willing to do for you. What about himself? Does he indulge himself big stuff? Maybe he's just ... cheap.
so, don't feel bad!
Return the ring and pick one you like.
What's the big deal??
If "size or the money spent" does not emphasize the extent of his love for you, then what is the difference if it's a bigger stone, different shape stone, a different cut stone, different quality stone, a different setting, etc?
Who cares?
Tell him you are happy he proposed and he loves you so, and although the ring is nice, it doesn't suit your style and if you can go looking around?
I know you said he had enough to purchase a bigger/better quality stone, but if that fails for now, keep the one you have now, get a phony and wear that sometimes. Many women do that.
I know one lady who wears her original e-ring rarely and mostly wears her fake, down-to-earth white gold e-ring. Do whatever pleases you.
It's only jewelery.
I bought my wife a .33 caret engagement ring. Although it was small it still ran me $1,500, it was because of the clarity and the quality of the ring. She wanted something bigger, so when we looked at wedding rings, we traded it in for a bigger set. Even though now her engagement ring is 1 ct. the quality is alot less now and it was only about $300 more.
Just don't look at the size, look at the quality.
Oh, and just having a bigger ring doesn't mean you are not going to have the same problems in marriage as if you were to have gotten a smaller one.
Sorry to say this, but you did not have your mans feelings in mind when you told him you did not like the ring HE picked out for YOU!
Now there is no ring at all...
I, myslef would not care if my guy got me one of those rings from the .25 cent machine, just knowing he wants to spend his life with me is enough.. I AM materialistic, but when it comes to love with my partner there is no price tag... just something to think about.
Originally posted by jmargel
Oh, and just having a bigger ring doesn't mean you are not going to have the same problems in marriage as if you were to have gotten a smaller one.
Originally posted by jmargel
Buy him something expensive showing how much you love him, and only then come back here complaining the ring wasn't big enough.
If you base his love on what he gives you, then my god.. I feel sorry for his soul, because he's going to end up a lonely and financially broke man.
Quote:
Originally posted by jmargel
I bought my wife a .33 caret engagement ring. Although it was small it still ran me $1,500, it was because of the clarity and the quality of the ring. She wanted something bigger, so when we looked at wedding rings, we traded it in for a bigger set. Even though now her engagement ring is 1 ct. the quality is alot less now and it was only about $300 more.
Just don't look at the size, look at the quality.
Oh, and just having a bigger ring doesn't mean you are not going to have the same problems in marriage as if you were to have gotten a smaller one.
With all the horrible things people do to each other that we read on these boards, I find it pathetic that some of you are taking the moral high ground with this girl as though she's just committed the greatest sin. She didn't like the ring. Big deal! She should be able to get a different one. Hell, if I kept every single thing I didn't like that my husband got me I'd have a closet full of ****.
She wasn't rude. She didn't put him down. She didn't mock him for picking out such a ****ty ring. She didn't make him feel like a fool. All she did was say she'd like something different. Some of you are acting like she's not even allowed to have her own preference and she should just be happy he's asked her to marry him! How utterly stupid. Does that mean that since he asked her to marry him she should now be forced to have the type of wedding he wants? What if she came on here and said her boyfriend only wants to get married at the courthouse and she's always wanted to have this wonderful wedding, but he won't let her? Would you say that she should just shut her mouth, you materialistic wench, and be glad he's marrying you, you worthless woman that's only interested in money.
Maybe while the rest of you are having affairs, screwing married men and women, spying on your spouse, neglecting the person that loves you and using NC as ploy to dupe someone into coming back to you, you could find time to be a little more understanding and not lambaste someone because they want nice things in their life.
Re: Ask bf to return engagement ring because I didn't like the ring.
Quote:
Originally posted by Marisa
Hi,
Marriage is very important to me so he asked me to marry him even though marriage is not of great importance to him. He did it because he cared and didn' t want to lose me.
I know he can afford a nicer ring because he said before he presented me with the ring that "you haven't even seen the ring yet, it's not spectacular and I'm a cheap guy".. I am not even asking for a giant rock but one that is of average size. He makes pretty good money and could easily buy me something that is average size but his refusal to buy me something that I like concerns me.
Somehow I can't help but to think that he doesn't love me enough to get me something that he knows I will like more. So I told him that I wanted to pick out my own ring. I know he wasn't too happy with me but what was I supposed to do???
Since having returned the ring, he has not mentioned anything about finding another ring for me. I am worried and feel like I am not even engaged to this man.
I have not brought up this issue with him over the phone because I am scared it will ignite another argument.
Please read the above. There is clear indication that the ring is a symptom of a larger problem. Getting married is not going to magically fix any problems. Marriage is like a giant magnifying glass. Even the smallest problems suddenly become much larger, and all the heat gets focused in one area until the whole thing burns up. That is unless you deal with it.
Last edited by RowanRavyn; 12th January 2005 at 12:17 PM..
Reason: DOH
But she didn't just say she wanted something different. She said he could afford to spend more money, so he should, in order to prove that he loves her! She said that MARRIAGE is very important to her, not a BIG DIAMOND. So why shouldn't she just be happy that he proposed? He's giving her something that is very important to her, and he must love her enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her. That's not good enough? And frankly, if their ideas of the "perfect wedding" differed, I should hope that they're mature enough to work together and compromise on something that means a lot to BOTH OF THEM. And who knows? Maybe when her bank account is involved too, she'll be more willing to be frugal...although it sounds to me like there's some score keeping going on. She bought him an expensive gift once, so now she somehow deserves an expensive gift in return? I'm starting to side with the group that says they shouldn't be getting married to begin with.
I agree with you, as I have already stated previously, that the bigger issue here is that he's being forced to marry her. I think she should call the whole thing off for now.
2)
However, I think people are being a little unrealistic and unfair to her simply because she'd like a nicer ring. She stated he went to a place that's known to be expensive, so he could probably get something else that wouldn't cost much more. What's wrong with that? And so what if she wants a bigger diamond. If that's what she wants he can either decide to get if for her or not, but breaking her down because she has the desire to have something she feels is pretty is just utterly absurd in my opinion.
By the way some people are acting you'd think you've given up material objects and live in cave with no possessions. People have a right to determine what is important and what isn't important. If a ring with a large diamond is important to her then she has a right to feel that way.
However, I think people are being a little unrealistic and unfair to her simply because she'd like a nicer ring. She stated he went to a place that's known to be expensive, so he could probably get something else that wouldn't cost much more. What's wrong with that? And so what if she wants a bigger diamond. If that's what she wants he can either decide to get if for her or not, but breaking her down because she has the desire to have something she feels is pretty is just utterly absurd in my opinion.
I don't think that's quite the issue though. If it was a simple matter of taking the money and going to a cheaper store to get a bigger rock, I wouldn't see a problem with that. I don't have an issue with the fact that she doesn't like the ring, and I do happen to agree that 0.13 carats is really small (when we first started going out, my DH got me a puzzle ring with a 0.1 carat diamond in it as a birthday gift, so I know what 0.13 looks like). But it sounds to me that she's stuck more on the money issue than on the ring. She thinks he can afford to spend more, therefore he should...or else it means he doesn't love her?
Honestly, I think if they've been together for 6 years and he doesn't know her tastes, that says a lot right there. It almost seems like he wants to slide by with the least he can do to keep her happy. And it doesn't sound like he really cares all that much about her happiness. My DH picked the perfect ring for me, yet he let it be clearly known that if there was anything I wanted to change, it wouldn't be a problem. Marisa's BF already knew she'd be disappointed in the ring, but he still got it for her. But then again, we don't know the full situation. Maybe he wanted to go cheap on the ring so they could have more money to spend on a wedding or honeymoon. Would she rather he spend it all on a ring and then get married at the courthouse? And maybe she doesn't understand his finances as well as she thinks. She said she spent money on a gift for him when she really couldn't afford it. It's very possible that he's not that type of person and is more cautious with his money.
Either way, if they're going to get married, they need to learn how to communicate with each other...fast.
I guess this is the problem with posting for advice in a forum.
We EACH have to decide what is right for ourselves, Marisa.
None of this would be okay with me- not his attitude, not his ring. You must decide what is right for you, but I certainly wouldn't sign up to spend my life with a man who didn't want the commitment and wasn't interested in giving me the best that he could.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
You're Not The First Woman To Write This
Hybrid Mode
