"they're still living in the same house..." from my initial email meant that his wife and his kids are still living in the same house that they were when the two of them were together. He's living at a friends house. Woops. Now I've got 15 emails telling me I'm the other woman. Yikes.
Last time I checked, "separated" meant separate houses, and preferrably with a legal document indicating an intent to divorce.
Oops, I shall have to go re-read. I also read it to mean that he was also in the same house.
My apologies if I was wrong.
But he does sound like he isn't ready to date. My fiance and I started dating when he was separated. But he never made me feel like a "dirty little secret", or less important than the children.
Last edited by Stinkerbelle; 27th November 2004 at 11:01 PM..
Hello, all. I'm a new member of Loveshack. I'm 52 and separated because I fell out of love with my wife. I'm not sure if I ever did love her. But, that's another story.
I'm trying to gain insights into being separated (6 months) and came across aerinha's(?) story. So, here's mine: I've been doing the online dating scene since late spring and for a long time was listing my self as Divorced. Big mistake. I had no idea where my head was at, but recently something happened which made me turn around 180 degrees. I was emailing with a divorced woman who sounded wonderful and I told her so. We were getting heated up until recently when I was in the middle of a separation agreement session with my wife and mediator.
As usual, my wife was characterizing me with every bad name in the book - she's got her issues, but, at least I've never slept with anyone else. I terminated the sessions thereafter. I was to meet the woman I was emailing with a week later. But, the more I thought about it, the more my wife's words stuck with me. I was turning into the person she suspected me of being. So after much considering, I broke things off with this woman (and I DO live alone) but, never told her that I was separated. I didn't need to be screamed at, my self-esteem was low enough anyway, and she didn't need to be hurt.
The moral of all this? At the risk of sounding self-serving, some of us "screwed-up separated guys" DO see the light once in a while.
But, aerinha, yes, this guy's making a fool of you, I'd say. Leave him alone and let him get his head together.
I dated one woman for one night that I also met online(my first online date) before I moved out and that time, my conscience did the same thing - alarm bells went off. I broke it off, of course. Loneliness and insecurity will do terrible things to a man.
So, I'm listing myself as "Separated" now, and I know I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting a date, but, for now, that's all I want, dinner and a movie or something. A relationship during separation sounds so tempting to us guys but, I guess, it's trouble on a stick. But, how do you handle the terrible loneliness??? It hurts to see happy couples wherever I go.
Charlane - perhaps you didn't read the top of my post. I said I didn't love my wife anymore. There is no going back for either of us. We are both emotionally divorced from one another. Neither of us wants to go back. End of story.
Aerinha, I will share my very similar personal experience with a "separated" man....and in doing so I hope you will do as I did, and get out while you're ahead.
I met Scott 3 yrs ago. He was 37, shy yet charming and hilarious. The first night we went out for coffee, it was like we'd known each other for years....we really "clicked" and my sides hurt from laughing so hard. He told me off the bat that he was separated...(2 sons, ages 7 and 10) - that the custody and separation agreement were all in place, the divorce had been filed and it was just a matter of him attending a mandatory "workshop" for Parents Going Through Divorce (required here in Canada, by the courts). His ex and him had been apart for over a year - him certain that she was involved from before she left, with the father of a child she babysat in their home. He didn't bash her but he did say they'd been married 12 yrs, she was a spoiled girl growing up and that didn't change when he married her...she never worked but expected him to work his tail off so that she could spend her days shopping. She would rack up the credit cards, and he would harder and more to pay the bills..to the point where he was rarely ever home...........and then she got something going on with the dad of the kid she babysat in her home.
I was leary from the start, getting involved with someone who wasn't officially divorced. Leary that maybe he still had unresolved feelings for her -after all, that's 12 yrs of marriage and 2 children together. I asked him point blank, "If she ever changed her mind now, before the divorce is final, and wanted to reconcile, what would you say/do?" He seemed genuine in his assertion that "they" were in the past and he needed to move forward.
Strangely enough, he wanted to introduce me to his demons, I mean sons (they were HORRID and mouthy and foul and spoiled) within the first week we began seeing each other. Now the sons lived with Mom (ex) mostly, and he got them every second weekend plus 2 nights during each week. Obviously the kids would run back to her and tell her about "Dad's new girlfriend" - so I was happy to know he wasn't hiding my existence.
But things started to happen that concerned me. One day I noticed a picture of her and the boys suddenly "appeared" out of nowhere, on the stand with the rest of th pics. I know it was never there before as I looked each time I'd go over......I was always curious what she looked like. I asked him about this picture appearing..he first tried to say the boys must have found it and put it there. Yeah, right. It was stuffed way back on the shelf, such that a person (or rangy kid) would have knocked everything to place it back there). Then said it had been at his office and he'd put it into his briefcase -where it had been for many months..and he was just finally cleaning out his briefcase, so brought it home. Uh huh.
When he'd come over to see me, he'd often have his cell phone turned off. Odd, because he was a senior manager for a large commercial construction company and it was imperative that his employees be able to reach him at all times...especially because he didn't even have voicemail.
Then, the odd time it did ring, guess who...the ex. He'd talk much quieter, and like clockwork, he'd have to "leave." He said he just didn't feel comfortable "talking with her" in my home/presence...but it was stuff "to do with the kids."
For a guy who used to love to spend time at my place, including most of the weekends, he suddenly started making very lame excuses for having to leave.....as lame as claiming he had to drive the 40 min drive all the way home to "wash his jeans"..things that didn't make sense. It was as if he felt guilty for being with me ,or he wanted to be available to................her?
I was feeling very upset at this point, feeling I'd been duped but knowing how I can read too much into things - out of fear of getting hurt. One evening i was at his house (no kids there)...he was having a shower, invited me to join him. I declined....my gut said "look around." In the nightstand beside his bed, there was a stack of 50+ greeting cards she'd given him over the years....from when they were first married to several anniversaries later. Not the kind of stuff you'd expect to find 6 inches away from the guy's bed - a guy who claimed he wasn't the least bit sentimental and didn't keep things like this.
I just had to leave. I felt like a fool. I couldn't talk with him for a week, I felt so rotten and mislead and stupid. But he reassured me that he didn't even "know" they were in that drawer. I was wanting to believe him because to believe otherwise would mean I was a horrible person ,hanging out with someone's husband.
The final straw was this..one weekend, when he had the boys, I was to spend Saturday with them at their place. I was on the phone w/ him Friday evening. Mentioned what time I'd be done my thing and going to see them all. He then told me that "she" was coming over to pick the boys up to take them to a birthday party - the birthday party of the guy she basically secretly left him for...though she wouldn't admit whose party it was (the boys told him). I couldn't understand why he was telling me this, so what? She knew I existed, she had a boyfriend, what was the secret? So I jokingly said to him, "Gee, when she comes over, do you want me to hide in the broom closet til she leaves?" There was silence. He then suggested it be best that I not be there when she came to get the kids. I thought surely he was joking....
I told him, "look, I'm not going to be in her face and make it awkward for everyone, I can just go down into the basement while she's here for all of 10 minutes to pick them up - or what, do you expect me to drive all the way here, then 5 minutes before she's to arrive, I should drive around the block a few times until she's gone?" He thought that would be the best idea.
That was it. He said he wasn't sure how she's react to "seeing me".....afraid she might be a "b*tch" and make a scene in front of the kids - which made no sense since they were nearly divorced and she was with someone for months. So to make a long story short, he was not over her, not prepared to let her see he'd moved on ,because deep in his heart I don't think he was ready to move on.
What a waste of several months.
I see your guy being in the same type of situation....................has not cut the ties. Still holding onto hope.
Get out before you get even more hurt. Let his divorce become final and let him spend at LEAST 6 months grieving the loss of his family/marriage............and then if he's fit to date you, then consider it...otherwise, you are wasting your time. He is not ready. not at all.
I think there are some who are ready to move on, and some who are not.
I was lucky; my fiance was ready. I am afraid this fellow of yours is not. And if you sit around and wait for him to be ready to move on to new relationships, you might get your feelings hurt. You might like to tell him that you think a lot of him, but he should call you when he is really ready to stand beside you in the light of day, and acknowledge YOU as the woman in his life. And until that time, you can't date him. It's going to hurt, but I think it will hurt less than spending more time waiting for him, and compromising your dreams.
And Charlayne, I thought that gentleman was quite clear -- he wasn't love his wife, so did the right thing, and divorced her, so she could be with someone who did love her. I can't criticize that. Sometimes divorce is better than a bad marriage.
Originally posted by aerinha
"they're still living in the same house..." from my initial email meant that his wife and his kids are still living in the same house that they were when the two of them were together. He's living at a friends house. Woops. Now I've got 15 emails telling me I'm the other woman. Yikes.
I've dated as a separated woman - and I still talked regularly to my STBXH (not anymore, as I am pregnant and obviously have moved on with my life, ha ha). It was hard for the men I dated, and they had to be very understanding. I ended lots of relationships because they were pissed about me talking to STBXH, but, we had a life together, we had history, and ending a meaningful relationship really takes a lot of effort, at least, it did for me.
Anyways, I may get blasted for this, but now that I am expecting a baby I understand a little more in terms of the feelings parents have for their children. I never did want kids before I got pregnant - and didn't really understand why parents acted the way they did.
But, he obviously loves his kids, and maybe he doesn't like the fact that he can't see them every day? Maybe he really treasures the time that he gets to spend with them, even cooking and mundane sh*t like playing videogames - all moments with your kids are precious, and they grow up so fast you want to be there as much as possible. In my life, my child will always come before everything else, including relationships - and that's how it should me, IMHO. Being a parents is THE MOST important job in the world. Raising a healthy, happy, intelligent, thoughtful person takes effort and hard work, and most of all - you have to be around!
You don't mention how long you've been together. I told the father of my baby that if he dates anyone, he can't introduce them to the child unless they've been together at least 6 months. My rule. Because I don't want my kid exposed to random people who float in and out of their life. They don't need to get attached to someone and then have that person leave after she breaks up with my ex. So, I can see reasons to not introduce your GF or BF to the kids until you've been together a while. But, maybe you have been together!
Ultimately, when you date a man who has children (and he is involved in their life), you have to deal with the fact that he is emotionally invested in someone else - his child. And that should be respected. Because being a father is great, too few men do it these days.
When you talk to him, is it always in the context of you being upset?
Originally posted by AloneAgain
Hello, all. I'm a new member of Loveshack. I'm 52 and separated because I fell out of love with my wife. I'm not sure if I ever did love her. But, that's another story.
[SNIP]
So, I'm listing myself as "Separated" now, and I know I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting a date, but, for now, that's all I want, dinner and a movie or something. A relationship during separation sounds so tempting to us guys but, I guess, it's trouble on a stick.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I know that's a very difficult thing to go through.
When I was separated, the issue was academic, as dating was the last thing on my mind. Had any conversation with a woman reached the point where that was an issue, I believe that I would have been above-board about my status, without being excessive, & let her decide for herself.
Scott S - you hit it on the head. Be upfront with a woman if you're separated. Like the song "Tell Her About It" says, Listen boy and take some advice from a man who's made a lot of mistakes. (Or words to that effect) Don't lie, guys. You owe it to the woman you're dating as well as yourself. And she's taking a lot of risk by going out with you. Tell her about it!
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