Originally posted by Merin2
I am in no way saying that a restraining order is ALL she needs and that it's a "magic bullet" nor was I trying to make her situation appear to be "simple"
My sister was in a situation a lot like this one.. and she did make a PLAN of getting help that included a restraining order to protect herself and her kids.. so while it may not be the thing for EVERYONE to do, I still believe it is ONE good option in conjunction with other things as well.. and said so in my post.
Well then you should have also included that restraining orders do not provide protection to the woman in all cases. You indicated that if she merely got one, it would protect her and her child. While that may be the case in some situations, it's surely not for most.
In most cases, the only way a restraining order can truly provide proper protection to an abused woman is if she's got a police car sitting outside her house 24/7 and can summon the police's assistance, should the order be breached, within mere seconds. This is obviously not a reality.
Often times an abuser will become infuriated that he's basically been kicked out of his home and no longer has easy access to control and abuse his partner. A restraining order can make him all the more violent and determined to seek revenge on his partner who had the "nerve to stand up to him." Most abusers want a woman who's submissive, fearful, spineless who will do as he says.........which is why they eventually make them into this kind of woman.
It can take only seconds for an abuser to break into the home, despite a restraining order, and inflict abuse on the woman. Many times she doesn't even have a chance to get to the phone to call 911 to report that he's breached the order. There's surely no guarantee that he'll abide by the stipulations of the order...if he's angry and sick enough, he won't give a damn about a piece of paper or perhaps being arrested and thrown into a jail cell for the night.
I just don't ever want abused women to have a false sense of security with having a restraining order. The degree of protection it can provide is solely proportional to whether the abuser abides by it or not, and if he doesn't, how quickly she can get to the phone to call 911.
Rent or share a storage unit with all your personal belongings. That way when its finally time to go you have all your possessions . You have to move items slowly so your husband/bf does not notice things missing.
Contact a Crisis Hotline and they will DOCUMENT your calls. They will also offer valuable advice such as : Socking away money so that you have an exscape fund. And numerous tips on how to get ready to get safely away from this man
DOCUMENT any bruises , injuries, threats ect. and keep this in a safe storage place because its hard to get people to believe that this was happening to you. You will appreciate it later in court
Know that he will eventually KILL you ! The subtle and not so subtle threats are REAL ! You are dealing with an insecure dysfunctional man who is going to close off your world to keep you in HIS !
You NEED a SUPPORT SYSTEM ASAP !
That means a friend who can get you OUT of there and keep you safe. If you have no friends or family you can contact a battered womens shelter and they will pick you up at a secret location and keep you safe helping you get back on your feet.
LEAVE this man now ! But most importantly you need counseling to deal with why you let this man demean and insult you and control you and make your life a miserable HELL !
I needed the same things you need today.
TELL SOMEONE ! ANYONE what he is doing. ITs UPlifting and FReedom ! ITs essential...Its the beginning of the REST of your LIfe
I just wanted to let everyone know how much I apperciate your support!!! You all are being most helpful, and you just have no idea how much that means to me. First thing tomorrow I'm making a few phone calls to some shelters. I'm going to try to get out of here ASAP!! Hopefully I can go somewhere out of Town or State. So if anyone has any info. on how I can do that it would be great.
Just to let you'll know that at the moment I'm okay. Well, considering my situation. I am completely terrified, but I am confident that I will pull out of this. I am putting all my faith in God, I have nothing else. My Daughter means the world to me, and is the most important person in our situation. She has been through so much, bless her soul. I just want her to be safe, thats my main concern.
I honestly don't know what happened to my Fiance (I hate calling him that)! We have been together for 8years, and at first everything was great. Well honestly we were just kids when we got together. I'm now only 20 yrs. old, so I was 12 when we first got together. Please nobody judge me, alot of people do. They seriously look down on me. Anyway, I got pregnant at the age of 13 and had my Daughter when I was 14. I got kicked out of my house, but he found a place for us to stay. We both changed our Birth Cert. to work to support ourselves. He stood by my side the whole entire time. But a few years ago he started to change. At first it was his attitude, him disrespecting me. And it seemed like all we did was fight. Well, I finally decided that we needed to take a break, and that was the first time he hit me. He broke my jaw bone! He must have enjoyed it because after that he became more and more violent. And now he acts like he would do anything to me and it wouldn't bother him a bit. Every time I have left him he has always found me. I would be forced to go back home, or scared for my life to do otherwise. Thats why I need to get as far away from him as possible.
Once again, thanks to all of you! My love and blessings go out to all!!
My shelter worked with a shelter in another state to relocate me, and put me in transitional housing. Transitional housing provided me a cheaper apartment, along with classes and counseling for my children and myself.
You might be able to use statutory rape laws to your advantage in this situation is he is older than you.
I just wanted to share my experience with the restraining order issue. I had one against my ex-poison guy and I moved to colorado to get away from this jerk. He followed me there, I let him in, we argued, he got violent, I called the police, pg lied and said I initiated the physical contact (he had a black eye from my defending myself, I had no marks b/c he hits in the stomach ( we dont bruise there and he chokes, restrains, throws me on the ground (my back and neck are still jack-ed up) and does things less likely to leave obvious marks) at any rate, despite my having the restraing order against him I WENT TO JAIL -NOW I AM FACING CRIMINAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHARGES because this guy is so devious and lies. After that incident it removed my power to threaten to call the cops when he started getting violent.....now I am a trapped rat until this ahole decides to move out. which he has promised to do. first it was last saturday, then sunday, now it's friday. he has me over the barrel b/c i am afraid to call the police as the ahole knows all he has to do is hit his own head on a wall, look worse than me, say i did it, and I will go to the pokey. it still just amazes me.....i am just praying he doesnt knock my teeth out like he has threatened in the past. short-story-long, that restraining order didnt do sh*t for me.
just get away - if you feel like you might need to call the police just leave. these guys are unstable and will do who knows what. forget the material crap. you'll get more. you and your sanity are more important than any of that stuff.
I'm proud of you that you will take the steps to get yourself and daughter out of there.........I know how hard it is, and how scary it is.
Do you know which shelters to call in your area? If you don't, here's a page (click on the link) that provides a "Directory" of Domestic Violence Shelters in all U.S. States. If you're in Canada, just say so and we can find something similar for you, too. Assuming you're American, just click on your "state" in the list and it will give you all the shelters there, find one close to you...and if you're in a small town and the nearest one is a ways away, call them anyway.........they might still be able to help you!
Here, also, is another helpful website (from the U.S. govt).....with all kinds of helpful links...including the toll free (doesn't call anything to call, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week..so this won't show up on your phone bill) # to the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE or (1-800-799-7233)
By calling this #, they should also be able to put you in touch w/ LOCAL Domestic Violence Shelters in your area.........and be able to answer any questions you might have (I'm sure you have many!)...regarding how you're going to "get out" when you're not working, don't have money, etc etc. So many millions of other women have been or are in your boat - you are not alone - there is help for you, you can count on that.
i will try to put some input on this but ivenever been inthis situation so hopefully something works out...
K...im the same age as you and girl the first thing i would seriusly do even if ur scared is you have to have a heart to heart conversation with this guy...
tell him you really want to talk without any hands being raise or yelling and see if it works...tell him he's ruining ur life when all u want to do is be a happy family toghether...see if he wants to make a new start and tell him if anything abusive happens again he'll never see u again and thats a promise...you have to talk to this guy even if it scares you.. you HAVE to let him know how he's scaring you to death and relationships arent like this...he has to see that ur hurt..he has to realize wut he's doing to you b/c obvisouly he doesnt...
but if that doesnt work i would try this: if he works 8am-4pm or 9-5 or whatever.... get a part time job or a full time job while he's working so he doesnt have a clue that ur working the same times...you need money girl and thats the only way to do it...even if u work 4/5 hrs a day thats a start... drop ur child at day care of hire a babysitter... you need a start and this is wut ithink is best...save money for a lil bit and once u have what u need take off!! and dont lookback go out of state look around for apartments andstart ur life over... get credit in ur name ... dont use anything of his b/c he'll track you down...YOU COULD DO IT!!! GET IT THERE!!!
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Re: restraining orders
Quote:
Originally posted by emmy lou
Well then you should have also included that restraining orders do not provide protection to the woman in all cases. You indicated that if she merely got one, it would protect her and her child. While that may be the case in some situations, it's surely not for most.
In most cases, the only way a restraining order can truly provide proper protection to an abused woman is if she's got a police car sitting outside her house 24/7 and can summon the police's assistance, should the order be breached, within mere seconds. This is obviously not a reality.
Often times an abuser will become infuriated that he's basically been kicked out of his home and no longer has easy access to control and abuse his partner. A restraining order can make him all the more violent and determined to seek revenge on his partner who had the "nerve to stand up to him." Most abusers want a woman who's submissive, fearful, spineless who will do as he says.........which is why they eventually make them into this kind of woman.
It can take only seconds for an abuser to break into the home, despite a restraining order, and inflict abuse on the woman. Many times she doesn't even have a chance to get to the phone to call 911 to report that he's breached the order. There's surely no guarantee that he'll abide by the stipulations of the order...if he's angry and sick enough, he won't give a damn about a piece of paper or perhaps being arrested and thrown into a jail cell for the night.
I just don't ever want abused women to have a false sense of security with having a restraining order. The degree of protection it can provide is solely proportional to whether the abuser abides by it or not, and if he doesn't, how quickly she can get to the phone to call 911.
*Sigh* You know what Emmy Lou, I was giving my two cents.. I wasn't telling her once again that this was a end all solution, I was speaking of what experience someone close to ME had with this.
I'm not the "enemy" here, and I resent you telling me what I should've told this young woman.
You've offered some great advice for her, and that's great as thats what we're all here to do.. hopefully help another person and offer what experience we may have as INDIVIDIUALS.
Best Wishes Scared Mother..
__________________
Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. Its bad how things can get.
I'm not judging you about your age and all that ..that doesn't matter, all that matters is your safety and the safety of your child.
These are things that you should do:
1. Get full custody of your child
2. Get a restraining order
3. Find a place to go (without your 'fiance' finding out)
4. Call support groups, hotlines
5. Document everything that happens (threats, abuse, etc)
6. Notify police, or go see a Magistrate and plea your case
7. Save money (any way you can)
8. TRY to get family support.. you may not have a good relationship with them now.. but it will help later down the road... believe me
9. Have Confidence in yourself..and don't stop until you go through with it. Have motivation
These are not placed in any order.. they're just things that you should consider doing. I truly wish you good Luck.. God Bless...
I am currently in a physical, verbal, and emoitional abusive relationship. I've been with my fiance for 8 years now, and for the past three years he has started abusing me. I have left him several times, but he always seems to find me. I have also put him in jail, but he gets right back out. I can NOT get away from him.
We also have a 6 year old daughter together. He doesn't really abuse her, but what she see's me go through is abuse to me. He always threatens me and always threatens to take her away from me. I can't work because he wants me to stay at home, and he also doesn't want me to have any money. He got offered a job out of town, and now weve moved where I don't know anyone. I feel very alone and trapped. The only way I can get my Daughter and myself completely away from him is just to like run far away from here. But yet I have no money to do so. I just feel hopeless.
I am truely scared for my life, and that is why I'm still here. I mean, if I leave him and he finds me again he said he would seriously hurt me. I can't bare the thought of something happening to me and him getting away with that and leaving my child behind. I just want to live a happy, safe life!!! If anybody can help me, or give me advice on what I can do I would appericate it SO much!! I am begging people to help me out!
If you love your child, you will leave for her. You are doing more damage to her than you can know by staying. If you can't do it for yourself, you have to do it for her. Nothing else should matter right now, bills, money anything, the only thing that should matter is you and your daughter's well being. DO IT FOR HER!!!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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