I did go balistic but not infront of my ex or even in writing. Thats what she would want. I went balisitc in front of the therapist! I know, I know, not good but these are beautiful kids she is messing with. At first I was thinking, NO WAY my kids wont be seen again. But that just makes me look controling right? So I figured, let them go, there is nothing that can hurt them and I know I am not doing anything wrong so........
But what should I do about Mondays??? I hate to keep repeating myself but I need advice! I'll recap again:
Got a letter in the mail from her saying her schedule at work has changed and could possibly keep changing, says that 7:30 am is the only solution for Monday pick up time. Here is the background on this:
My divorce decree originally said that i pick up the kids at 5:30 am mondays and have them until 5:00 pm thursdays. When i realized that for school aged kids it was too early to pick up on mondays i started asking to either get them sunday nights or later on mondays. she wouldnt discuss it and went as far as to say "be here at 5:30 am or forfiet visits for the week" so i started to put it in writing. that was in may. I gave her my suggestions for a change and asked for hers. She wrote back giving me her suggestions (which was that her husband would drop the kids off at 7:30 am on Mondays and I would bring them back to her on Thursdays) and i went with her suggestion just to end it. That was in late may. since then she wont respond. I told her i agreed to her suggestion and asked her in writing numerous times, when can we start. Nothing!!!! so the girls are still getting up at 4:45 am every monday for pick up at 5:30 am.
Now the only kicker is, she doesnt want the change legally filed. Says this will only be on a "trial basis" because her schedule might change again.
Am I unreasonable if I request pickup time to be on Sunday nights at their bedtime instead. It isnt really fair that because of her schedule changes, my life, the kids and my finaces life have to keep changing, right? I really dont want to be difficult but she said her schedule was "eratic and varied" and could possibly change again.
So what do I do? Please give me some idea how to handle this!!!!
Also, for the person who asked why we dont talk on the phone and we do things in writing - its because my ex and I have a he said/she said aspect and when we agree to things she ends up deny it...........hence, in writing.
Last edited by retro80zkids; 22nd August 2004 at 8:50 PM..
It's certainly tough to work through with lines of communication that are so poor. I'm sorry, but I have no suggestions here. Your ex sounds awefully difficult. My only comment would be I would do whatever I could so my kids would not have to be dragged out of their warm bed at that rediculous hour... that is insane! Maybe it can't be helped, but I would hate for my kids to go through that.
Sorry if this has already been asked (I only had time to quickly skim the posts), can you not do the pick-up later in the day after school or a day at the sitter?
As I'm sure you are aware, when the parents cannot find common ground, the kids are the ones that suffer. I often have to fake it, but kids think that I still like their mom. (some days I tollerate her, most days I would rather go have root canal)
I have tried to deal with this so many different ways. Gave her suggestions about change, she wrote back and gave me her suggestions. I picked one, went with it and then crickets since May. Not a respond or anything! Let me ask if you know this (back to the therapist thing!) Do you know if a therapist can see my kids without contacting me first? She admitted to me that she knew I didnt know about it yet. Her exact words were, "I told her (my ex) to tell you about it and she said that you would get a letter from your insurance company about it." I just know that somewhere there is a law being broken isnt there? ugh!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I don't know what he rules are about that. In our separation agreement it is spelled out that we have to consult the other about all issues pertaining to the kid's welfare. I don't expect a call if my daughter wants to wear pink socks and my ex wants her to wear black socks, but if she has to go to the emergency ward for stiches or an ear infection, I know that I'll get a call. If I didn't, there would be trouble.
Cutting you out of decisions or being uncooperative is just plain inconsiderate and disrespectful besides not being in the kids best interest.
I was thinking about stopping the visits and refusing them to use my insurance because I know its just away for my ex to make me upset but then I realized, she would just take them out of pocket and the courts would make me pay for half of that!
This is just so unreal......My kids have another appointment on Friday and I will be there to find out what the doctor says afterwards. The therapist said that the only thing she saw was that my youngest (5yrs) said when asked how she felt about herself that she only likes it when she is all made up pretty. Um sounds like a five year old to me but now this therapist is running with it and says "there must be self esteme issues". Oh lord here we go!
Unreal! So the kids had another appoinment today with the therapist. So I call 1/2 hour before the appointment to confirm the time and guess what, mom cancelled and didnt reschedule. (btw, mom still hasnt mentioned a word to me about the therapist no matter how many times I have written a letter asking for her to discuss it)
So my finace and I go to see the doctor anyway. The dr says she believes us and says that while she cant disclose what my oldest told her, she suggests that we asks her why she is skittish at moms. the dr assured me it wasnt anything dangerous or abuse wise and that it was something that happened at moms that my oldest doesnt want a repeat of. Ok, so now I wait until monday to talk to my kids. (mom doesnt allow me phone contact on weekends.)
I have read your threads and about your ex's behavior toward you and I have a question....why is your ex so angry with you? Her actions are telling you big time that she's upset and its obvious that her anger is festering inside her and coming out in her actions toward you. Unless you get to the root of her anger, you will continue to have issues and you will continue to deal with each one of them as they come up and new ones will only keep cropping up.
I suggest you talk with her (not to her or at her but with her) about why she is angry with you. Approach her with a willingness to understand and then make the effort to truly listen and to put yourself in her shoes and try to see things from her perspective. You may very well find she is operating under misunderstandings and if you can set her straight, then that will help immensely. If there is something you did that was by no means a misunderstanding, you owe her a sincere (emphasis on sincere) apology. Swallow your pride for the sake of your respective partners, your children as well as yourselves and offer a sincere apology if one is due. If simply saying (and meaning what you say) "I'm sorry for hurting you" could save you a lifetime of hurt, wouldn't you do it???
I know this may sound next to impossible to do, but isn't peace between you worth it???? Good luck..... :0)
While I know she must not like me because I wanted the divorce, I understand that. I wanted to stay friends with her but she didnt want that at all so........we arent friends.
But, with that said, there is never any excuse for using our two beautiful children as pawns against me. I have done my part by agreeing to EVERYTHING she ever asks. Including my monday morning issue. She said her work schedule wasnt good any longer and after long thought about it, I sent her a letter back saying whatever she wanted was good.
Look, I am sorry she is bitter that we arent married anymore. I told her when I divorced her how sorry I was. She saw how it tore me up to leave but I just wasnt in love with her and we were both miserable. But now its time to raise our kids. Not to mess with them just to get back at one another. It has been years since we split and I am NOT going to continue to appologize. She has remarried and I am about to also. Apparently, it is her who needs the help, dont you think. BTW, I sometime wonder if it is more an issue she has with marriage in general. I was her 3rd husband and with each marriage, the man asked for the divorce. She is now married to #4 and I am hoping she married for love this time. The marriage did come on suddenly.
Anyway, we will see. For now, I just want to love my kids and enjoy the time I have with them. Thank you lord for that time!
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