no matter how much you are "in love" with someone, some people still enjoy time to themselves. Me personally, I enjoy going out with my girlfriends for a relaxing time to talk "girl talk." It has nothing to do with being on a high horse or power trip or negativity of any kind towards the male gender. Some guys just don't understand why we would want to do anything without them and they can be so pouty sometimes its rediculous. I mentioned going to a nursing convention to my boyfriend and he didn't like the idea and was hurt i didn't ask him to go. Yeah, sure, he really wanted to go to a nursing convention to see what they had to say. I'm sure he just couldn't handle me going anywhere without him, back to the trust issue I guess. Sure some things should change when you enter a relationship, but with guys and girls too, it's a control issue when they don't want you to maintain doing things you normally did before they came along.

[seahorse]

I too like doing things by myself occasionally - and when I do, I expect my SO to wish me well, tell me to have a good time and to trust me, just as I do when he tells me he has something on which doesn't include me, or I'm not interested in. I like the occasional night out with the girls, and I work a couple of evenings a week most weeks.
I believe everyone, even in the most committed relationship, is entitled to "me time" whenever they want it. If nothing else, it gives you something to talk about when you get back to your beloved!
I think some "me time" keeps relationships fresh and helps you to appreciate each other more.
JMHO.

[havNfun]

THIS ONE IS TO KELLY,
WHO SO BODLY WROTE,
would let him tag along with me from time to time with my girlfriends. I told him right from the start he could never tell me what to do and if I felt any jealousy or possessiveness I would dump him."


WHO THE heck do you think you are Ms Kelly? What an immature conception of relationships you seem to have. Why even date men at all if you regard them so disrespectfully and with such contempt?

Believe it or not, there are some men out there that wouldn't give a rat’s ass about tagging along with you and that you would probably be overjoyed if they decided to. And with that attitude, there is bound to be many men that will not give you the opportunity to "dump him."

I imagine that once you get your heart broken very badly Kelly, you might grow up and enlarge your sensitivity a bit. Love is not a competition or battle. Your thoughts - at least the sentiment that you posted, seems very heartless to me. And to me, that is ugly.

Remember - you may be cute - but everyone has there day of rejection - especially when they have such foundationless arrogance as you seem to. What have you contributed to the world that makes you such a catch that us guys would wish to Tag along with you and your bratty GED girlfriends?
Good lord

[havNfun]

moimeme

the lady moimeme seems to have a much more mature understanding - situation

[SnowWhite]

Originally posted by havNfun
WHO THE heck do you think you are Ms Kelly? What an immature conception of relationships you seem to have. Why even date men at all if you regard them so disrespectfully and with such contempt?
What have you contributed to the world that makes you such a catch that us guys would wish to Tag along with you and your bratty GED girlfriends?

Eish talk about some hostile comments.

HavNfun,
I didn't really think that her post was all that negative towards relationships or guys. I think she was just trying to say that it would be appropriate to 'lay down the rules in the beginining' or tell the person you are dating the sort of things that you are and are not looking for in a relationship.

Maybe some people should only be allowed to drink decaf in the morning. <COUGH COUGH>

[dudesomewhere]

the title of this thread would have initially kept the responses to a narrow path...but ah the straying thoughts of people

that said...let me nudge this thing in a slightly different way

I'm one of those [AND I'LL AVOID DIFFERENTIATING THE SEXES HERE] who is never threatened by the presence of a significant other in my life. Their presence can be all of mine and I would never feel suffocated.

Now the things is, independence from each other and independance based on financial settings seem to get confused...both are separate of each other. I would focus on the psychological independance rather than the financial.

Maybe it is clearer to use me and my relationship bg as an example. Age, 31...partners 4...relationships 2. Of those 4 partners, 1 was a 1nighter, 1 was to lose my viriginity, 1 was a false love and another is someone I care very much about . So, it is not my goal in life to experience as many people as I can but to fail as few times as possible before I find my one. There can be many "ones", they are just those that fit you just right...although not neccessarily perfectly.

For me, my path it is to live my life as best I can...to go forward as best I can...to achieve what I believe I am capable of but also to want that achievement and not obtain it because I feel it a societal obligation. So I go it alone, I craft who it is I craft myself into. I test myself so that I am not a hypocrit, so that I do not contradict myself, my views and my beliefs. One must be happy with themselves in order to be happy for another, they must love themselves truely to be able to love someone truely as well. When you are at that point, when you really love yourself, you can love another...that special unique person, completely...you can love them 24/7 and not just sometimes whenever you have time for them.

With that I look at the world, the world in the broad sense and the world within my immediate environment, my country, my state, my city. I look at the thousands upon thousands of faces of strangers in my life that come and go up to this very point. I can live my life and not be with them, not want to know who they are...a sea of strangers. This sea, this ominous thing...I stand on the shore of life and wait. I sit on the sand and wait for that something to wash ashore. A glimmer that catches my eye in the distance of the sand...I move to it. I gaze upon it, whatever it is and it makes me take hold of it. I keep it with me, next to my heart and I do not want to throw it back to the sea.

That is how I would think people would wish to live their lives...in the romantic, intimate sense at least. To look upon something, someone so special to also know that they are looked upon equally as special. That wonderment that shuts out the world when you both look at each other, into each others eyes and into each others hearts and never feel the need to do without them...because, how sad is that?

I know those things might sound idealistic but they aren't silly are they? Sure we don't live in a perfect world but it's all about the search and how you get there. I don't think people try hard enough. I wouldn't judge someone negatively if their heart is all over the place but...I take little steps to get where I'm going. I think when you are free of guilt from whatever guilts you, when you are content with what is in your soul, when you are true to the world as to yourself is when you can love someone unbound, with no limitation to time spent together...that there can never be too much of a person. A person lives their life without that someone for however long it takes them...and then one day they find them...why then would they need to be apart from that person?



BTW, don't forget all the butthead comments I've made. And try to ignore comments I make like these

[havNfun]

Snowwhite,
the important thing to focus on here.. is that caffein increases testicle mass.
hugs

[CurlyIam]

well, havin' fun, I think you have said it this time!


You see, not everything in my life revolves around sex. I do not seek it around me, I do not want it from my friends and sure won't have it unless with my bf!


That's all there is to it!

[clia]

If you meet a guy who's awesome for you, shouldn't this issue not be relevant,
and won't you probably want him around you as much as possible?

This issue is always relevant, and for both parties in the relationship. I don't care how much in love I am, how head over heels I've fallen -- I need time apart from the relationship to do my own thing. That's just my personality type. I'm an introvert -- being around people all the time drains my energy. I need to be alone to rejuvenate. I also need time with girlfriends -- my friends are important to me. Yes, my boyfriend may be #1, but just because we got together doesn't give me the excuse to ditch everyone who supported me and was there for me before he came along. And frankly, it's annoying when a girl brings her guy everywhere with her. I have a friend like this who is connected to her husband at the hip -- it'll be girls' night + her husband. Kind of takes the wind out of the sails...

Please also consider, ladies, that you might actually meet a great guy who would
maybe add a lot to your life, and if you approach a relationship with him
with this personal quest to assert what you think is your independance - because
some unhappy friend or something sold you a bad attitude about men,
the good guy you meet is going to run or become unpleasant because he has
this seemingly reluctant and selfish person on his hands (from his perspective) because
he hadn't provoked.

You are reading a lot into these posts. No one here is on a "personal quest to assert independence." Is it so hard for you to believe that some people actually enjoy their independence and don't need to be with their boyfriend/husband 24X7? How is it selfish to be an independent person? What if that is just the way you are and have always been? Should you change into a co-dependent leech just to please your guy?

There are all types of people in the world. I don't do well with guys who aren't independent. I do amazingly well with guys who are, because that's how I am. All relationships are also different -- everyone does not fit into one mold of "the happy relationship."

[Suzi]

Independence is something hard to define, like feeling of happiness. But you know when you have it.
It is not about your partner, it is about you; it is about the values inside you. It is what we all are given and none can take it away but us.
For me it is doing what I love to do and having a partner who understands it… it is having chance to do what I love and having a partner who want to help me…
It is knowing what I want and having someone to share my happiness… It is answering him with the same, showing undue favor his desires and feelings.
Hurting each other will never lead to independence. What do you think independence is?

[meanon]

dude you can love someone 24/7 and not be with them 24/7, the need to be in each others presence ALL THE TIME passes. The love remains but changes into something less desperate, more sustaining.

havNfun, you are quite right. I am an exceptionally shallow and immature 38 year old. My husband is a saint for tolerating me for 17 years. He is thinking of moving to Stepford where no doubt he will find a woman who will be content to spend her every waking moment really appreciating him.

[moimeme]

The love remains but changes into something less desperate, more sustaining.

Oh let me be clear, here. In my case, it was not about 'need' at all. It was sheer enjoyment. It is possible to find folks whose company you enjoy sufficiently that you just don't tire of it. True, they're rare, but they're there.

Could be a function of Myers-Briggs E/I, though. Someone who's 'I' might get tired of any human hanging around a lot while an 'E' may find it much easier to be in the company of other humans - and I'm an 'E'.

[meanon]

Lol. Yes it was sheer enjoyment for me too, it was only desperate when I wasn't with him. But for me that was a phase, I still loved him as much if not more so when it passed but it was different. I'm an off the scale E

[sportsloving]

This is just referring to myself.

I love spending time with my S/O. Not all of our interests are the same, I love sports (going to games and playing) while he could live without it. He could at any time say he doesn't want to join me, but instead he prefers being a cheering squad. (Now if I could find a cheerleader outfit for a six ft eight man, woo hooo). On the other hand he enjoys classical music and symphonies and such ... while I could snooze through the best of them (unless it was classic rock of course). But I will attend them with him because I know he enjoys them and I enjoy time with him.

I don't feel as if I lose my independence because I want to spend a lot of time with him. I feel as if he gives something extra to my interests and hobbies. And it is always nice to know that I can go alone if I wanted too, but I would much rather share the time with him.

If I wanted to go shopping (which I hate) with a friend he wouldn't say a word about it ... but he makes everything so much more enjoyable ... so I want to be with him. I haven't and won't cut off all contact with the outside world to stay focused on him, nor would I want him to do that for me. But the majority of the time, yeah we will be together .

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think (for me) there is a difference between preserving your independent "self" and your independent "life" absent your partner.

I don't believe in sacrifice, I believe in happy compromise.

I still enjoy doing all the things I did before entering into my relationship 5 years ago. I still have the same hobbies, interests, friends and enjoy the same activities as before. The only thing that has changed is that I no longer hang out with my single friends until the wee hours at the morning, spend my weekends at the bars and clubs, or spend one on one time with my male buddies like I use to when I was single. Platonic or not, it would feel too much like a "date" to me. And if I wanted to maintain some semblance of my single life, I'd have been smart enough not to have gotten into a serious long-term relationship in the first place.

The funny thing is…I don't miss it at all! I actually prefer the company of my partner to all others. He's certainly more entertaining! And so far, I haven't felt smothered or the need to escape for a breather. But it's probably do to the fact that our work keeps us apart for 12 hours a day, anyway…AND because our relationship is only five years young and we're still in that "romantic" stage that makes our single and less happily married friends feel all squeamish and uncomfortable.

Who knows if things will still be the same between us ten years from now. We're both hoping that it will be, but have made no promises to each other about "forever." All I know is that during the last half of my fifteen year marriage, I too couldn't find enough excuses to get out of the house and away from my husband. But that's because we were no longer best friends who actually found enjoyment in each others company. The emotional intimacy was fading…and so was our marriage. And I'm still trying to figure out whether spending so much time apart was the "cause" of it or the "result" of it.

I'm still trying to learn from my past experiences too…