[Arabess]

Either you trust someone or you don't. I wonder if that lack of trust is already the beginning of the end though.?????

[HokeyReligions]

If you trust your partner and they trust you, then what is the big deal?

If something in the marriage changes, or one partner feels that their needs are not being met - then discuss it and find out why and what to do to correct it.

If sex drops off and one partner is suspicious of an affair - then I can see the evesdropping bit--but it goes back to trust.

Porn is a specific issue - one of the many specific issues that should be discussed before a commitment is made. I'll use it as my example though.

Example: A couple agrees that porn is a natural part of the guys life. The wife doesn't want to know specifics because she's not crazy about it, but it doesn't bother her enough to think about it all the time.

The guy logs on to porn sometimes, but it does not interfere or change the couples sex life. It is just fine and they are happy.

One year the wife begins to notice a change in their sex life and that maybe the husband is acting more distracted.

She observes her husband and then asks him if something is going on, but he says no. Now she is suspicious and begins to aggressively look for the cause of the problem. She checks his computer and finds porn. It can be shocking when she is first confronted with it. She may even think "how could I have ever said this was okay!" because she is so offended by the porn.

She could start thinking that porn is the cause and leave it at that, or she could search further and find emails or chats of an explicit nature, etc.

Because she had suspicions and the trust and communication broke down, I don't see this as an invasion of privacy. I see it as looking out for oneself.

On the other hand, if she had constantly been looking on the computer to see what porn her husband was viewing simply because she was curious or offended or insecure - then I can see that as a privacy issue.

[dyermaker]

If marriage is a sacrifice, why do we do it? I see no love in breaches of trust, and the less I am trusted, the more the connection is severed. I would only marry someone to be closer to them, and I would never invest myself in someone that doesn't trust me.

If there's a postnuptial difference in the expectations of privacy, I'd rather not marry in the first place.

[brashgal]

Back when I married we didn't have email or cell phones. I never thought of checking my ex's regular mail or going through his car either until his behavior changed. Hard to predict how people will change as they age, there are no guarantees in life.

[jenny]

i just think a system of checks would be helpful to this question. again: some spouses are afforded *less* privacy than inmates at a minimum security prison.

i agree that a prior, admitted, proven, or the reasonable suspicion of the act of cheating could warrant snooping, but i now feel people should have to get warrants, and demonstrate their evidence before an objective court, before being allowed to rummage through their partner's mail, email, computer, or things. right now, honestly, it reads like an unethical free-for-all in *some* (not all) of the posts.

to repeat dyer's line: privacy is different than secrecy. having a seperate inner life does not mean one has something to hide.

[moimeme]

I don't have anything to hide from my past or my present. My policy is that any question can be asked of me; but the person asking is warned that s/he has to be able to deal with the answer. If s/he thinks for any reason that the answer might be displeasing or distressing, then don't bother asking.

I'm a big believer in openness and honesty. I'm more than happy to be an open book to people in my life. I consider someone's trust to be an honour and try to return the favour by trusting in return.

Invariably, we all have thoughts running inside of our head that would deeply hurt, disgust, inflame someone we love.

Now I get why some people are big on privacy. I guess people have very different internal lives. Then again, someone who loves you may well accept you, whatever you think. I get having flashes of annoyance and accompanying unfair thoughts, but these pass; I don't find them significant enough to record for posterity.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

I’ll admit I’m noisy but usually not much of a snooper. If I want to know, I’ll just ask.

I am a wife, not a warden. My husband has as much privacy and freedom as he wants. Enough that all of his friends are jealous. I don’t care about the porn he has his computer. I don’t care about his stash of porn mags or DVDs. Porn didn't and still doesn't bother me as long as it is not used as a replacement for me. He has time with his boys, usually once a week. He goes to strip clubs and my only concerns are a pre-determined spending limit and there is a sober driver for the drive back home. He takes a few trips without me every year. He and I have separate computers and I normally would not dream of trying to hi-jack my way into his PC. After all, I would be offended if he did that to me. In turn, he affords me the same privacy and freedom.

In a very condensed version: one day, he had some odd behavior relating to an old high school flame. I talked to him about it. I thought it was resolved. Then it wasn’t. We talked again. There were still problems. It is snooping time for me and I snooped for a while. I found things that just set me over the edge. And that takes a lot. After I had enough evidence to leave no doubt they could have thought their contact was innocent or I wouldn't have a problem with it, we had another discussion. Then after our "discussion," with his knowledge, I continued to monitor and check his computer use. When we worked out our issues and I felt like I trusted him to understand and respect my boundaries, I stopped checking his computer. It takes too much energy to be snooper. If we hadn’t been able to work it out enough I felt safe without snooping, our marriage would have been over.

[meagara]

Why do spouses/boyfriends seem to want to hide the fact that they watch porn or look at it on the internet. I think if you are ashamed of it and have to hide it from you significant other then there is a problem. I watch porn with my boyfriend and it is always a great experience. Just be open with them and tell them you want to share, cause trust me it also turns on women. About the snopping, maybe she feels insecure and you are doing something that increases that insecurity, like hiding porn! She may think " Well what else is he hiding?" Just talk to her about the situation. Two years ago my boyfriend cheated on me at my birthday party, after that incident I found a letter from the girl who was in the marines. She said how much fun she had that night( He denied it, but my sister caught them). I took the letter and confronted him about it. He of course said how dare I snoop and that he didn't trust me!!!! When the real reason for me looking was cause I didn't trust him, and cause he hurt me before. Like most relationships we had ups and down, but the best thing we learned with each other is that we had to communicate and talk about things like porno. Just talk it will do wonders for the relationship, and include her, and make her feel secure.