[bigcat22]

By staying there after he abused you they learned either it's ok and when I grow up I'll do it too or it's just normal. More importantly when the kids are grown and he does leave the kids will see they are the reason he stayed. They will feel guilty. Yor are teaching them it's ok to live a lie. Confront him, make a decision and stick to it.

[Cairo]

I am a single woman who is involved with a married man. I have ended the relationship several times trying to do the right thing. He's been married to his HS swetheart for 13 years. They are 37 and 35 respectively with 2 daughters 5 and 9.

He is miserable pondering whether or not to leave her. He tells me he's no longer in love with her, not attracted to her and that there's nothing for him or her to do to fix this. I am staying out of it and not seing him during this time.

The two talked and agreed that they are onl there for the children. There entire lives revolve around the girls and they are miserable together. They have agreed on all the important issues of why they shouldn't be together, but neither is willing to say the words SEPARATION or DIVORCE! I don't understand it.

She is miserable and willing to undergo plastic surgery. He says he won't let that happen. My point is: They are miserable. He's racked with guilt and is allowing her to try all kinds of things to FIX this marriage. He tells me repeatedly it makes no difference and everything she does irritates him and he rejects her which then starts more fights. I feel terribly for her and told him to STOP IT!! If he already knows there's nothing she can do, than to simply tell her that. It's not OK to let her make a fool out of herself. He can't seem to bring him self to tell her to stop and he's not willing to just say, "I'm done. I'm sorry."

My question to all of you having gone through this is: WHY!!!!! I just dont' understand. What's it gonna take. I think it's so unfair to her. Hell, ti's unfair to her, me and him. He's wasting all our time!

Any thoughts. HE says he knows his kids would adjust fine, he's called about apartments, looked at his money, etc. His brother is willing to help him etc. He is very proud of his conversations with her saying this is the most prgress he's ever made toward getting out and thinks it's going to take a while but that it will happen. He says it's a matter of time. I just dont' understand.

Thank you

[leilab]

Does that mean that the concept of being "in love" is vital to a marriage - since you state that without it one would be in a loveless marriage?

This seems to be quite a debate, at least within myself - "in love" being merely the romantic love, first stage of love that gives way to a more meaningful "love" as the partners get to know each other.

In my opinion this turn of event, however it is described, is the politically correct way to portray the way humans tend to become less interested in each other as they spend more time with one another, and get to know their partner very well.

I contend that there have to be marriages in which the partners ARE in fact still "in love" with each other. I have been thinking about all the people that I know that are married and am still searching for my role model couple.

[Samson]

Findings from the first scholarly study of unhappy marriages challenges conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Originally posted by Samson
Findings from the first scholarly study of unhappy marriages challenges conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

I'm not disregarding this study you've mentioned, but it just doesn't even make an "common sense" to me. It doesn't seem logical. If people are unhappy in their marriage, and they divorce, they have a darn good chance at finding the person they ARE compatible with.....and can have a HAPPY (or happier) life with. How could remaining in a miserable marriage, where nothing changes, where you're not fulfilled, where your needs aren't met (this varies: need for friendship or affection or sex or support, etc), etc.

I'd be very interested in reading this study, and how they came to this crazy conclusion.

And regarding the original poster's post...and your going off on Moi accusing her of having not read the original poster's post elsewhere (the one you quoted, the one that speaks of her husband's ABUSE)....sorry dude, but there was absolutely not one thing in her post to indicate that her husband is NO LONGER abusive. All she said was that he wigged out and was abusive to her about every 6 months. She didn't say he'd stopped. When's the next beating due? Is this month 3 or 4 or 5 or 6?

As a woman who was beaten by my (ex) husband, and from all the battered women I've spoken with over the years, the reading I've done on Domestic Abuse, the book I've read by Lenore Walker about the Cycle Theory of Violence.....after all of that, I can tell you.......men who would dare to beat up on a woman......whether emotionally/physically/mentally/sexually....they don't just "stop." And just because this lady's hubby beats on her only twice a year, that doesn't mean he's not an abuser. If you're going to dog on people about a certain subject, make sure it's a subject you actually know something ABOUT.

[brashgal]

I can only speak for myself. I endured verbal emotional abuse in my marriage and I believe I'm happier since I got out of it. I'm definitely less stressed as I was always walking on eggshells waiting for the next argument. I sometimes miss the companionship but I am not willing to trade that for the abuse.