After being bitter a week-or-so I was questioning the whole marriage thing myself. I had spoken to a bunch of women and none seem very happy. The bottom line was: The wife takes care of everything and the husband complies. The women I spoke to pretty much all felt unappreciated. Being jolted out of the "honeymoon phase" after 4 years of marriage, I was feeling pretty bitter. We don't get married and become the lifeblood of the family just to be taken for granted! So I questioned why is it (more likely than not) so? Here's what I came up with:
[color=indigo]Factors why some married women feel unappreciated (a generalization): [/color]
1. By nature we are more nurturing, loving & more connected with our emotions, making us more sensitive to our loved ones needs.
2. Our society norms for dating & courting makes us expect the same "dating/romantic behavior" after marriage. But men on the other hand are programmed to act "sweet/romantic" to attract a mate, most are not taught to continue this behavior after they securing a wife.
3. Women are plain too nice for their own good & forget to put numero uno above all else.
4. Happiness is a promise. It's reinforced everywhere, the media, older couples, love stories -- when you get married you promise to make your spouse happy. [color=red]THIS IS THE BIG WRONG-O! [/color] Because we are all human. Your spouse will screw-up and hurt you, & with this logic that would make you unhappy very often.
Happiness should be in our hands & not by controlled by another. We all have the power to be happy, it's a subconscious choice that's made everyday.
I agree with CaterpillarGirl & Karlise. Marriage to some is a false security, simply because people change -- we are all still changing by the day. What I feel is the biggest flaw of marraige is the "promise". It is way too easy to take someone for granted if you know they'll be with you forever.
But as hideous as that can be, it can also be beautiful. Just be honest and don't take the person you love for granted (it also helps if they do the same)
WHAT? I am a woman who finds it's the opposite. The guys I get involved with either want me to move into their house two weeks after we start dating or they propose marriage WAY TOO SOON!!!
Men in their 40's who are divorced and single are more antsy and desperate than women. Or maybe it's that I just don't want to get married or rush into committment that makes me more attractive and more of a challenge so men try to rush things quickly with me.
I am meeting more and more women who say to heck with getting married - why be someone's maid and cook and sex slave when it's more fun being single and enjoying life.
Society puts pressure on women to be married or have the fairy tale wedding.
Marriage to me is way overrated. The fastest way to kill great sex is to get married!
I think the loss of individuality is very demoralizing to some women.
Not for all of them.
But for very independent-minded women, suddenly having society perceive you as 'one-half' of a couple (i.e. 'where's your better half?'), the giving up of your last name, the sudden thrust in role of matron, is really unappetizing.
A lot of women go through a major identity crisis after getting married. There are some good books on the subject (look for one called 'Marriage Shock' by Anne Roiphe) and some of my closest friends have confided in me....that marriage is really not the fairy tale some would have us believe.
Marriage IS a partnership. It takes dedication and self-sacrifice. If someone is uncomfortable with making personal sacrifices for the good of their union, then, yes, I'd agree, marriage is not for them. As far as the independence issue goes, I have to ask, independent to do what? What freedoms would you be denied in a marriage that differ from a long-term relationship outside of marriage?
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the giving up of your last name
...not a requirement for marriage.
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the sudden thrust in role of matron, is really unappetizing
Well, hopefully, it's not that sudden, as I would like to think a woman had spent some time thinking about her new role in life. Also, what's unappetizing about a person who has made a commitment, whose spouse has done the same for her? Your core essence is not changing. Your lifestyle is.
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some of my closest friends have confided in me....that marriage is really not the fairy tale some would have us believe
I think most of us have stopped listening to the Cinderella fairy tales, or at least realized that REAL LIFE is about work.
BTW, Karlisle, lest I come off too harsh, the above statements were directed at your theories, not a personal attack on you as an individual.
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"A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."
- Simon & Garfunkel
I have friends who have gotten married who thought they entered into things with open, well-informed eyes.
Again I reiterate...please read "Marriage Shock"
It echoes so much of what my married girlfriends have told me.
I'm talking about well-educated urban women who did not enter into marriage blindly. They expected to carry half the load, to earn half the paycheck, to deal with issues.
They didnt' expect Prince Charming.
They also didnt' expect some of the incredibly difficult moments marriage can bring.
Marriage brings a lot of joy but a lot of surprises, difficulties, tensions and uncomfortable moments. Marriage can stir up a lot of deep deep issues for people. Marriage is work. Strange, hard work.
You must decide over and over again what the most important aspects of the relationship are. For some people, it's companionship. For others, it's raising children.
The idea of marriage based on romantic love is a very recent invention of society.
Most marriages serve other purposes.
the question should be why can't men commit to one girl?
I don't see why people always think it is women that are yearning to get married. What about men? As a mature individual you would realize that you are looking at it in the wrong direction.
Women are looking for security, a future and a good life.. whether or not that includes a man or marriage is optional.. when it marriage comes it comes. nowadays women do not think marriage is that important because they can support themselves without a man.. women want companionship and that is what is important to them.. and also of course women also want children.. but they only want children with the right man that will be able to commit.
In my relationship, my bf is the one that that brings up marriage, of course we both think marriage is very important and we both want children, we both want the commitment of a marriage, a family and a secure future, and I do not believe that that is unrealistic goal for any individual, either men or women.
And if my bf didn't want to get married or was not thinking about our future and about us being married I think I wouldn't be with him.. Because I want all of that... so why would I be with someone who couldn't give me what I want. Thats like saying that you don't want to get married but you would get married and give up being single just because you want to be with that person..
I'll just answer this one based on my own personal feelings.
I want to get married because of a number of reasons:
1) security
2) having kids
3) lifelong companionship and committment
4) the whole traditional thing...wedding, ring, signing papers making it legal, saying I do in front of people as a formal sign of committment etc (NB I do NOT want to change my name tho! lol!)
5) being willing to take that extra step, beyond simply living with someone...having the guts to make lifelong goals
6) the way I have been conditioned by society and my upbringing probably influences my feelings on the matter too
Luckily for me, my guy has similar views on marriage, even though he's already done it once. Hope over experience I guess.
I don't expect it to be easy at all. Relationships never are....not the good, true deep ones anyway.
I think just the thought of it is so awesome! I mean being with the same person, not having to date anymore, having a best friend forever, a partner, never being lonley, growing old together, making memories together, and my biggest is sharing the name and the children. Just an over all commitment is a turn on to me. Its a great feeling knowing that a man wants to spend the rest of his like with me. Not ever worrying about dying alone, sleeping alone, or feeling alone. You will have that person there to hold, talk to, cuddle and relate with. What beats that?
Originally posted by dontgetit
Why is marriage soooooooooo important to women? What does marriage mean to you that you are willing to end a really GREAT relationship if you don't get that ring and piece of paper??? Is it just about having kids or is it more? PLEASE be HONEST!
It used to mean <ahem> security and comfort...knowing that you have a life long committment with someone. Knowing that you would have that person be with you through all the things you go through in life, doing it together.
Originally posted by dyermaker
There are tax changes, not benefits, married couples usually end up worse off taxwise.
Thank you. This is true in the majority of cases. I speak from experience. I've done taxes every way possible to try to squeeze every cent out of what we have to pay and if we were able to claim ourselves as single we would get more back.
I was a tax practioner for many years for O&G companies. In my former life and I hated it because its so twisted!
I think that just being with someone for a long time and not getting married is just a sign of being afraid of commitment. Being married means you work through problems instead of just running away. People now a days just like the easy way out instead of dealing with legalities. I thinks its s huge deal and for most women its something weve always waited for and dreampt about.
Originally posted by Wolvesbaned
2. Our society norms for dating & courting makes us expect the same "dating/romantic behavior" after marriage. But men on the other hand are programmed to act "sweet/romantic" to attract a mate, most are not taught to continue this behavior after they securing a wife.
Pity to them, really. A wife that keeps care of her body, keeps her legs shaven, buys sexy clothes, and still *loves* to have sex after marriage is the almost-secure feedback to acting sweet/romantic.
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OK back to the topic @ hand =]
Hybrid Mode
