[Lanapalace]

Hi, I have been married for almost 10 years. My husband is an attractive, flirtatious man, working in a professional atmosphere, where he puts in many hours. We have 2 children. Our marriage has been difficult from the beginning, with arguing and a general inability to ever come to basic agreements about how things should be. He is not afffectionate unless he wants to have sex. He has a strong desire to control everything, and I have always been a fairly independent person. He has at times gotten somewhat aggressive, even violent with me, but never in front of the children, and he is never violent toward them. On the contrary, they think he is wonderful.

I have for years suspected him of having affairs or flings for a multitude of reasons. I have stayed home with the children, taking care of them and gaining weight, drowning my sorrows in food and soda. I left him for a week back in June after he pulled my hair and screamed in my face so close he was literally biting my nose as he spoke. He has not behaved like that since, but I have for years, and still do sense a general disgust, dissatisfaction that he has with me, although he will not admit it. I have asked him for a divorce numerous times, but he has promisted to make it as difficult as possible for me if I try to divorce him - not threatening violence, but threatening to withold finances and to try to get custody of our children, just to spite me.

I have been with this man since I was 21, married when I was 26, and now I am 36.

Lately, although it is against my religious and moral beliefs, I find myself wanting to have an affair. I am an attractive, friendly and likeable person. I have allowed myself to gain some amount of weight, which I could easily lose, and I have held back on being friendly to men in general because I have known for a long time that I was susceptible to having an affair because of the lack of love and affection in my marriage.

My children are young and I don't want to disrupt their lives. Yet right now I feel so alone and like what is left of my life as an attractive woman is wasting away. I plan to probably leave my husband when my children are a little older, maybe in 5 years or so, but how do I get through these years? I have lately been scanning the internet and considering men who might be likely candidates. I'm scared of getting caught, though.

Is it ever acceptable to have an affair to help you get through something like this. Yes, I have tried masturbation and fantasy and yes I do have a lot of friends. And I have tried everything I can think of to get my husband to work on our marriage. He will not even wear his wedding ring, though I have asked him to repeatedly.

All I can tell you is, friends are great, but you don't have a physical relationship with your friends. It's not just about sex, it is about being understood, being appreciated, and hearing another person share their thoughts and feelings as well. We have been to counselling several years ago. Three counsellors recommended that I should get a divorce. I do love my husband, believe it or not. I just am so lonely and miserable.