How about the tried and true spanking? Unless you're one of these "time out" parents. But Christ, if I did something wrong and got spanked, I never did it again.
Or the soap in the mouth. Got that, too. Never cursed in front of my parents since.
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i think the idea is that a beating might add further drama and emphasis to the event, whereas giving her better words to express anger will allow her the freedom to be angry but express it in a socially acceptable fashion.
having said this: i don't have kids, and i don't know the personality of the child in question. it's very cool that SteveNChicago is handling this in such a reasonable and thoughtful fashion, though.
I agree with Jenny. Hitting a child does nothing but teach them that it's okay to hit. And a two-year-old child has no idea why you're putting soap in their mouth. That's disgusting.
Why can't people just get it: Kids are going to copy what you do. I think the word substitution thing is the best way to go. Next time you get angry, let your daughter see you say a benign word and she'll pick up on it and forget all about the old word. The bigger deal you make about the bad word she's saying, the more she's going to say it to get attention.
Last edited by cindy0039; 30th October 2003 at 1:44 PM..
Hitting a child does nothing but teach them that it's okay to hit.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
My parents spanked my sister and I, all my buddies were spanked as children, and none of us grew up to be hoodlums who get into fistfights all the time. That's a really bad generalization. I've never thrown a punch in my life.
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hmm...i think in my case, i am guilty of listening to Dr. Spock, etc, but i was also admittedly brought up in quite a liberal home. when i learned to swear, my parents had an exceedingly long and embrrasing talk with me about exactly what those words meant, the origin of them, and why they were hurtful and to whom.
i would not wish this on anyone.
but to say that because you and your friends grew up to be upright strong moral people, ergo spanking is terrific, is also a hasty generalization. it may have been right for you, and for that time.
i don't know the specifics of this case, so i'm not qualified to judge. i'm just a bit alarmed by glibness and hitting in the same statement, i suppose, to me it would seem like it would be a parent's last resort, or to be used in dire-safety circumstances only.
Well, then you and I are two very different people.
Personally, I don't think the "time out" angle works whatsoever, especially not nowadays with so much stuff they can do in their room, TV, computer, etc.
Originally posted by jenny
to say that because you and your friends grew up to be upright strong moral people, ergo spanking is terrific, is also a hasty generalization. it may have been right for you, and for that time.
i don't know the specifics of this case, so i'm not qualified to judge. i'm just a bit alarmed by glibness and hitting in the same statement, i suppose, to me it would seem like it would be a parent's last resort, or to be used in dire-safety circumstances only.
I agree. And I wasn't trying to suggest that everybody who got spankings growing up would end up being a hoodlum who went around beating people up.
But I do think that, IN GENERAL, it makes those people, depending on the quantity and the severity of the "spankings," more violent in temperament, whether they strike out at other adults in a physical way, spank their kids in a similar manner to what was done to them, or simply have a harsher attitude towards others; i.e., more verbally abusive. I think hitting a person, especially a child, is very hurtful to them in more than a physical way. Kids trust us, as the adults and the parents, and when we hit them I think it damages that trust.
Remember, this is just my opinion, so please don't lash out at me. I realize there are many different opinions on this subject. And there is certainly more than one way to raise a child.
For those of you who recommend spanking because it was done to you: Stop and think about how you felt at the moment you were being spanked and shortly thereafter. Is that a feeling you would like to inflict upon YOUR kids?
Originally posted by UCFKevin
Well, then you and I are two very different people.
Personally, I don't think the "time out" angle works whatsoever, especially not nowadays with so much stuff they can do in their room, TV, computer, etc.
The idea of a "time out" is that they are taken away from those things and put in a quiet spot where there is NOTHING to do and they can be watched. Also, it is important to talk to the child and explain what they have done wrong, why it is wrong, and the conduct that is expected of them in the future, in a loving way.
Remember, the child in question in this thread is only 2 1/2 years old!
My parents spanked my sister and I, all my buddies were spanked as children, and none of us grew up to be hoodlums who get into fistfights all the time. That's a really bad generalization. I've never thrown a punch in my life.
This a line of 'logic' I find fascinating. 'My youth was horrid, violent, and oppressive but because I haven't ended up in jail, I must then consider it perfect, ideal, and an example worth following'. Unbelievable.
Had you considered that even though you are not those things, you might be other, and better things had you not been spanked or punished with pain? I suppose not, since every one of us must be perfect now we're adults and therefore everything that went into our lives ought be followed exactly by everyone else, right? Not possible that there could be better ways of bringing kids up, that people could try them, and that it is no dishonour to the parents to suggest that perhaps they weren't fully aware of all the implications of their actions and might have made better choices?
Sigh.
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I think that even though your daughter is 2 1/2 you can nonetheless talk to her. Tell her the truth: that mommy shouldn't have used the word she did, that it's not a nice word and that it's not a word you want her to use. I think that if this is said calmly it can be very effective - it's only when kids get a huge reaction from people that they want to hang on to a behavior.
As for spanking, time out, etc., I would only implement these if they are already in your parenting toolkit. I wouldn't bring on new forms of discipline simply for this issue. Personally, I am not one for spanking and time out is most effective when it's used as discipline (i.e., a cooling off time), not punishment. But if these are techniques you already use successfully, then it may be appropriate to use them now.
But honestly, I would start with just telling her what you expect from her. This has usually worked with my kids, even when they were very young.
Not everyone knows where to draw the line. Child abuse happens. Angry people loose control - it happens all the time. Off course this does not apply to everyone, most parents spank sometimes and there are usually no ill effects. How do we prevent people crossing the line unless we say we should all try never to do it? How do you work out what is reasonable force? If we have the right not to be hit why don't those more vulnerable than us? Spanking is illegal in Scotland - I don't see a Nation of selfish people there. There have been countless studies since the 1960s in child psychology that show that there are more effective ways to discipline children than spanking.
In point of fact, it's impossible to guess at what people would be like had some aspect of their upbringing been altered. It is possible that Kevin would be a better person if he had not been spanked. It's possible he'd be less of a person. It's possible he'd just be different but not necessarily better or worse. And it's possible he'd be exactly who he is now.
It is equally ridiculous to state that a person would be other, better things if he hadn't been spanked as it is to claim he'd be spoiled rotten. There is no way to know which claim, if either, is accurate. And it is pretty rude to go around offering up one's opinion.
It's a common fallacy to assert that there is damage in those practices we don't believe in. I don't personally believe in spanking, but my reasons are based on many factors, including my moral code, what kind of parenting style I have decided to adopt, etc. Much as I believe in the rightness of my decision as it applies to my family, I recognize that there is no *one* right way to raise children and claiming that folks who do it differently than I do have somehow harmed their kids or prevented them from being something better than they are is a judgement I am not qualifed to make.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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