The Ex's Birthday...is there a true guide on how to handle it?

It seems that here on LS and on other relationship forums, few topics bring up such a varied set of opinions as how dumpees should handle the dumpers birthday after a breakup. Advice ranges from "strict NC no matter what!", to "an emotionless Happy Birthday text/e-mail/card won't hurt...ignoring it can make you look bitter, especially if you were on good terms."

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I've posted my story before, but quick background: my girlfriend broke up with me in November, looking back it seemed like a G.I.G.S. case. We've both been single since the breakup. We stayed friends basically since we broke up...but about 2 weeks ago, I told her that my feelings were too strong to pretend to be ok with being "friends" anymore. I loved her too much to settle for friendship. I told her I had to be honest about how I felt- it was all or nothing for me, and until she was sure of what she wanted, I had to step out of her life.

After telling me "she didn't know what to do" and "you can't do that, it's kinda unfair don't you think?", she finally accepted it. I backed out of her life on good terms. I told her it's the best thing for both of us right now, and I'd be willing to listen if she wanted to talk about a 2nd chance for us, but friendship isn't an option. Since then, I've been NC for 2 weeks.

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So LS, here is where I need you: my ex's birthday is Feb. 19. It will be 1 month NC at that point. Because we were friends after the breakup, and because I went NC on good terms, I was thinking of sending a basic "Happy Birthday, have a great day" text on her birthday...no more, no less.

A female friend of mine even suggested mailing a basic "Happy Birthday" card instead. Her reasoning was that I won't sit around hoping/expecting for a response to a text, and it will be an acknowledgment of her birthday without acting like I need contact from her in the form of a text or call.

One more thing: This is only about people who were still on good/friendly terms post-breakup...NOT for people whose ex's have a new girlfriend/boyfriend...and NOT for people who have been ignored by the dumper since the breakup, and would just use the birthday as an excuse to try to open the lines of communication again. I'd stay strict NC in those cases.

Bottom line: my ultimate goal is reconciliation...so will acknowledging her birthday in the form of a text or a card help or hurt my chances?

If you guys are on friendly terms and you want to maintain LC, a simple acknowledgment of her birthday's fine. "Happy birthday" sends the message across.

:shrug: I don't see what's wrong with it, but you risk having her interpret that as a friendly gesture and she's not wrong in thinking that, if she does. At the same time, friendly ≠ friendship. Good luck!

My ex's b'day is in July. He will be 47.... I'm thinking of breaking No Contact then just to wish him a happy 50th :p

If you guys are on friendly terms and you want to maintain LC, a simple acknowledgment of her birthday's fine. "Happy birthday" sends the message across.

 

:shrug: I don't see what's wrong with it, but you risk having her interpret that as a friendly gesture and she's not wrong in thinking that, if she does. At the same time, friendly ≠ friendship. Good luck!

thank you

I've already given her the "all or nothing/we can't be just friends" speech, and by the time her birthday rolls around it will be 1 month NC, so she'll know I'm serious. Like you said, I don't see what's wrong with a simple acknowledgment. In my situation, I just can't see how it helps my ultimate long-term goal (reconciliation) to completely ignore her birthday...but I'm willing to hear any and all opinions, that's why I'm here.

If she tries to use it as an opportunity to rekindle the friendship, I'll just be 100% honest with her once again...I can't be "just friends" with someone that I still have feelings for, and that it's still all or nothing for us.

thank you

 

I've already given her the "all or nothing/we can't be just friends" speech, and by the time her birthday rolls around it will be 1 month NC, so she'll know I'm serious. Like you said, I don't see what's wrong with a simple acknowledgment. In my situation, I just can't see how it helps my ultimate long-term goal (reconciliation) to completely ignore her birthday...but I'm willing to hear any and all opinions, that's why I'm here.

 

If she tries to use it as an opportunity to rekindle the friendship, I'll just be 100% honest with her once again...I can't be "just friends" with someone that I still have feelings for, and that it's still all or nothing for us.

I just hope it works out for you. Really. I know the boards can get negative sometimes (I was like this, too), but somehow, my recent break-up made me a more optimistic person. I've no idea how that happened. Perhaps it's because I refuse to be bitter.

Yes, you can't be just friends with someone you have feelings for. Hurts too much. Wish I had the same strength that you do, but I know that keeping in touch with my ex, even LC, will entrench me further into the friend zone and I will prolong my healing. It differs for everyone, yes.

Good luck, sincerely. Perhaps someday, I'll be able to read your Second Chance post in the boards.

^^^ thank you so much, I hope so too

I really admire your current outlook...and trust me, you probably have just as much, if not more, strength than me.

Being friends was just pure emotional torture...I tried for 2 months, but I just couldn't take it anymore. That's why I'm NC now...on good terms, but still NC...and it's why I will stay NC. It's just that her birthday in 2 weeks has really thrown me for a loop. I can think of a million reasons in my own head why ignoring it will hurt my goal of getting back together...but I can't think of one reason why a "Happy Birthday" text or a simple card would hurt my chances of any future reconciliation.

Maybe I'm wrong though.

Personally, I would not contact an ex on their birthday. I know you mentioned that you wanted to remain friends...but unless you are in the process or reconciling, you are making yourself really vulnerable. Just my opinion. I would assume it's over, and act accordingly - and hope for good things in the future with her.

^^^ thank you so much, I hope so too

 

I really admire your current outlook...and trust me, you probably have just as much, if not more, strength than me.

Ah, nothing to admire. I'm currently trying to work through the pangs of missing him by listening to Anberlin and watching Animal Planet and staring at a Giant Sunfish. I suppose I really do love him, that's why. He's going to move on and I can't say I'll be happy for him. I just want to be able to say that he's going to move on, I gave him the space he wanted, and I'm moving on, too. I don't want to get caught up in the whole "He'll regret leaving me!!!" emotions. It doesn't really help me at all.

Being friends was just pure emotional torture...I tried for 2 months, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

MHMM. That's exactly what I do not want. At all. Best thing to do for me is to do nothing.

That's why I'm NC now...on good terms, but still NC...and it's why I will stay NC. It's just that her birthday in 2 weeks has really thrown me for a loop. I can think of a million reasons in my own head why ignoring it will hurt my goal of getting back together...but I can't think of one reason why a "Happy Birthday" text or a simple card would hurt my chances of any future reconciliation.

 

Maybe I'm wrong though.

I think you LS users doing LC are stronger. I tried before, I learned I cannot do it. My ex is hopeful in becoming friends "someday;" I'm hopeful in reconciling "someday." We're definitely at a standstill right now. He's the kind of guy who likes being on speaking terms with people (our point of contention was him still being great friends with his first love/first sex/first everything, so I had a lot of doubt about his feelings for me because of that), but I'll be his first who's able to go cold turkey on him. He hasn't reached out, so I'm sure he doesn't care anymore.

That's just the way things are.

Personally, I would not contact an ex on their birthday. I know you mentioned that you wanted to remain friends...but unless you are in the process or reconciling, you are making yourself really vulnerable. Just my opinion. I would assume it's over, and act accordingly - and hope for good things in the future with her.

Actually, she wanted to remain friends, and since I loved her, I did try for a while...but being that I still have feelings for her, I had to put an end to our friendship 2 weeks ago, on good terms. I couldn't take that pseudo-relationship anymore, it hurt too much. I've been NC since.

I agree with you though, in a way, I am putting myself out there, even with just a text...but I rationalize it by saying to myself, "am I that stubborn/prideful that I'm just going to ignore her birthday? am I willing to do some major damage towards possible future reconciliation because I was scared to be a little vulnerable? because I wouldn't send a simple text?"

Like I said, maybe I wouldn't do any damage by ignoring her birthday, maybe it would work in my favor...

...BUT, by acknowledging her birthday (a simple card or text), other than the fact that I'm making myself a little vulnerable, how else can it hurt?

Just wanted to post an experience I had with this situation before, where I was the dumper, that became a 2nd chance story...

Years ago, around May, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time. She wanted to work things out, but honestly, I wasn't willing to work through some of our issues, and if it wasn't going to get better, I decided it would be better to end it before one of us really got hurt. After the breakup, we didn't talk at all.

My birthday is in September...so we didn't talk for 3 months after the breakup. A few days before my birthday, I get a birthday card from my ex in the mail with a short handwritten note. She wished me a happy birthday, said she was doing well, and hoped I was doing well also.

After the breakup, as time passed, she was always in the back of my mind. I thought about her throughout the summer. Her card just gave me the final nudge I needed to try and win her back. I was the dumper and she was the dumpee, so all logic says I needed to come back to her first...but that letter really touched me. I didn't see her as weak, needy, etc., as they say most dumpers see dumpees when they break NC...It actually confirmed my feelings for her, and I felt I had to try to reconcile with her at any cost.

I contacted her, thanked her for the card, and after a few weeks we were back together again. After she sent the card, I knew all the work was on me to fix us, and I did...but I always think, if she, the dumpee, never got in touch, would we have gotten back together? Would I, as the dumper, have made the first move? Who knows.

Now I'm not saying this can or will happen to anyone else, myself included in my current situation...but that story is also probably why I'm so unsure if maintaining NC and ignoring her birthday is the right way to go.

Just wanted to post an experience I had with this situation before, where I was the dumper, that became a 2nd chance story...

 

Years ago, around May, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time. She wanted to work things out, but honestly, I wasn't willing to work through some of our issues, and if it wasn't going to get better, I decided it would be better to end it before one of us really got hurt. After the breakup, we didn't talk at all.

 

My birthday is in September...so we didn't talk for 3 months after the breakup. A few days before my birthday, I get a birthday card from my ex in the mail with a short handwritten note. She wished me a happy birthday, said she was doing well, and hoped I was doing well also.

 

After the breakup, as time passed, she was always in the back of my mind. I thought about her throughout the summer. Her card just gave me the final nudge I needed to try and win her back. I was the dumper and she was the dumpee, so all logic says I needed to come back to her first...but that letter really touched me. I didn't see her as weak, needy, etc., as they say most dumpers see dumpees when they break NC...It actually confirmed my feelings for her, and I felt I had to try to reconcile with her at any cost.

 

I contacted her, thanked her for the card, and after a few weeks we were back together again. After she sent the card, I knew all the work was on me to fix us, and I did...but I always think, if she, the dumpee, never got in touch, would we have gotten back together? Would I, as the dumper, have made the first move? Who knows.

 

Now I'm not saying this can or will happen to anyone else, myself included in my current situation...but that story is also probably why I'm so unsure if maintaining NC and ignoring her birthday is the right way to go.

Why did the 2nd chance not work out, skee?

After telling me "she didn't know what to do" ...

The above response to your feelings of wanting a reconciliation indicates the only thing you can do- walk away.

You can't remain friends with an ex, no matter how much you want to- it's far too painful.

If your ex-gf is confused about wanting to get back together, your best course of action is continued silence.

When someone can't make up their mind about you, it's best to continue NC. Saying happy b-day isn't going to magically endear her to you- but it will send the message that you are still "waiting", and that's the opposite of the message you should be sending at this juncture.

The above response to your feelings of wanting a reconciliation indicates the only thing you can do- walk away.

 

You can't remain friends with an ex, no matter how much you want to- it's far too painful.

 

If your ex-gf is confused about wanting to get back together, your best course of action is continued silence.

 

When someone can't make up their mind about you, it's best to continue NC. Saying happy b-day isn't going to magically endear her to you- but it will send the message that you are still "waiting", and that's the opposite of the message you should be sending at this juncture.

This is very accurate.

Like i have said in other replies, NC is for YOU to get to a point where none of the this will hurt you. How long you do it, "breaking" it, whatever, doest matter. Its to get to a point where you are good.

Personally i think you could get away with saying something, but you are the dumpee and you know that sending her that will bring up some sort of something in you that wont feel great. If you know in your head that right now you guys will not work out, especially if you were the one dumped, then you need to stay NC until none of this bothers you.

I have broke NC during my time in it, but i did it because i knew it was what I had to do for ME...zero intentions. But that took a lot of time to get there.

I think the card is a good idea. Gives the impression that you still thought of her, and doesn't require a direct response from her (ie: waiting for a text back). She could either choose to call/text at that point, but you won't have to wait around for it. I don't think it's weak, even if she did think that, who cares. If anything, it shows you are a thoughtful human being that has emotions, and you thought of her on her special day.

Why did the 2nd chance not work out, skee?

It was my fault. I was only 20 at the time, and I just wasn't ready emotionally to handle everything that comes with a serious, committed, long-term relationship. If that same scenario occurred, say, 5 years later, would I have been able to make the 2nd chance work? Absolutely.

I think the card is a good idea. Gives the impression that you still thought of her, and doesn't require a direct response from her (ie: waiting for a text back). She could either choose to call/text at that point, but you won't have to wait around for it. I don't think it's weak, even if she did think that, who cares. If anything, it shows you are a thoughtful human being that has emotions, and you thought of her on her special day.

Almost word-for-word, right or wrong, this is exactly what was going through my head before I made this thread.

Thank you for that advice...like I said, I got the card idea from a female friend. If I do acknowledge her birthday with a card, I love the fact that I wouldn't have to "wait around" for a response, like I would with a text. I would just mail it and keep living my life, no matter how/if she responds.

It's funny though, I was just talking to another female friend, and she said sending a card is worse than a text, because a card shows I put in a lot more effort. In her opinion, she thinks a simple text is the way to go.

As I've said before, I've never really seen a topic get so many conflicting opinions online or in "real life".

Personally i think you could get away with saying something, but you are the dumpee and you know that sending her that will bring up some sort of something in you that wont feel great. If you know in your head that right now you guys will not work out, especially if you were the one dumped, then you need to stay NC until none of this bothers you.

If I didn't think there was a chance of reconciliation, this birthday definitely wouldn't bother me...I wouldn't even think of acknowledging it.

I'm not lying to myself...I mean, I know I'd be putting myself in somewhat of a vulnerable position by wishing her a Happy Birthday...but should I not take that small risk for someone I love and still care about? Should I be that cold, even though we left on good terms? Is there any other downside to saying a simple "Happy Birthday" other than "hey, you're putting yourself out there a little bit"...will ignoring her birthday hurt my chances in any way of future reconciliation? This is what I'm struggling with.

The above response to your feelings of wanting a reconciliation indicates the only thing you can do- walk away.

 

You can't remain friends with an ex, no matter how much you want to- it's far too painful.

 

If your ex-gf is confused about wanting to get back together, your best course of action is continued silence.

 

When someone can't make up their mind about you, it's best to continue NC. Saying happy b-day isn't going to magically endear her to you- but it will send the message that you are still "waiting", and that's the opposite of the message you should be sending at this juncture.

D-Lish: I've been reading through the LS archives since the breakup, and this quote from you really struck a nerve with me:

"That's the mistake people make- they feel like they have to remain front and center to remind the person that they aren't going anywhere. The opposite is true. People need to feel what it is like to miss you in order to know what they truly want."

So on some level, in all honesty, yes, I was hoping a "Happy Birthday" text would remind her I'm still there for her (but only if she wants to get back together). I'm not in denial about this. Because of my NC, if she's having doubts/second thoughts and really misses me, I don't want her to think she can't make a move because I'll reject it.

I'm worrying that if I ignore her birthday, it will dig my hole even deeper...but you're saying that anything OTHER than complete silence/acting as if I'm moving on will do nothing but hurt my chances?

Is it a good sign or a bad sign that every female friend I have that knows my story is telling me to acknowledge her birthday?

I'm guessing they're just seeing it from her perspective- of course THEY would want to get a "Happy Birthday" card/text/e-mail from an ex-boyfriend that they still care about on some level

The female majority says acknowledge her birthday in some small way...so I have to ask, if my ultimate goal is reconciliation, does that mean I should do the exact opposite? Ignore it? So confusing

My clear and honest advice is don't send anything to her. First, you are contradicting yourself since for all purposes you are sending a friendly message, second, believe it or not you are showing weakness, third, you are trying to pull a trick on her, four, if she is ever getting back to you it won't because your concern for her birthday, five, she probably will ignore you, what it will burn you (again), six, NC is a s*** but it should be a s*** with purpose: TO STOP AT LAST THE SUFFERING, whereas by contacting her you expose yourself to a new hurt, seven, despite the former (NC is not a trick or plan) you have a better chance of getting her back by keeping your distance... eight, if anything, she will think of you only as yet another friend who wished her a nice b/d... nine, she probably will despise you... or ten, she will go back to you just because you sent her a card... this is sarcasm, btw...

Put yourself in her place, man, would a happy b/d text or card put your ex back in the game?

And before you bash me, let me tell you that I played being friends with my ex and it was worse than just breaking up and going our separate ways... at least you were one of the lucky guys, your ex let you go NC... some rejecters (I hate the word dumper and dumpee) call up or text or visit or send mixed signals to the other party every other day or so until you are friends with them again... you are not lover or friend but something in between (minus the benefits)...

In sum, don't sending that text won't kill you or her... greetings...

Trovador: why would I bash you? I'm looking for as many viewpoints as possible, so I appreciate your advice, thank you...and every single thing on your list has crossed my mind at some point

Put yourself in her place, man, would a happy b/d text or card put your ex back in the game?

Read my story on page 1 (Post #10): Years ago, in a different relationship, I was the dumper, and after 3 months NC, a birthday card from my ex (the dumpee) gave me the final nudge I needed to contact her and try to win her back. Obviously, my own personal experience is skewing my thoughts, which is why I'm here...for objective opinions.

Anyone else have any thoughts? especially females...literally every female friend in my life has told me to either acknowledge her birthday, or that "it won't hurt to do it"...is this actually a major sign that I should stay silent?

Skee,

I'm a female, dumpee, not looking for reconciliation, and kinda on good terms with my ex, just to give you an idea of where I'm coming from.

Your female friends know you, her, and the situation, correct? I would never advise a friend to do something that would hurt him. You know girls have no problem telling their guy friends to forget about the b*$&@ and move on when the situation calls for it. Your friends say to acknowledge her birthday, and that makes me think it wouldn't hurt.

I like the card, not the text, for the same reasons the other people have said. Also, texts (IMHO) send the message "hey I care, but not enough to email, call, write..." Maybe I'm just old.

It seems like if you don't send something, it will bother you. If you did nothing, would you wonder "what if I had just..."

Also, you indicated to your ex that you are willing to reconcile, so if you show her you care about her, it won't be a big shocker. If I received a birthday card from my ex, the first thought in my mind would NOT be "wow, that's weak!" I might think, "Wow, that's nice. Maybe he's not the biggest a**h*** in the world." (I know, it doesn't apply in your situation.)

What are the cons? You might not get any response. In that case, you will be in the same boat you are in right now. Can you think of anything that would make you think, in the future, "I'm so dumb for sending that card!"?

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out and how you feel about whatever you decide to do.

It was my b-day last week, and my exbf texted me one 'Happy birthday, hope you have a nice day'... then in the evening on FB he texted with 'Happy birthday again, what did you do all day..?'

We ended our 2.5y relationship on good terms, except that he didn't want kids and start a family and make concessions in terms of where to live. So yeah, i had to let him go because he didn't gave me anything to stay.

Now, i'm not an expert on texting, but isn't 2 time texting sending some kind of signal??? I don't get men...

D78: I really appreciate your input, thanks so much

yeah almost all of my female friends feel like either way, whether I acknowledge her birthday or not, it won't necessarily "make or break you guys"...but because of our situation, they all feel like I should lean towards the side of good feelings (a simple "Happy Birthday"- if I do it, I'm leaning towards the card) rather than potentially stirring up bad feelings (ignore her birthday).

It seems like if you don't send something, it will bother you. If you did nothing, would you wonder "what if I had just..."

You couldn't be more right. I'm really struggling with this- will the lasting thoughts of regrets and "what ifs" by not sending something bother me more than the temporary pain of possibly getting no response? Right now, the answer is definitely yes...but that's why I'm giving myself time to think about it, gather opinions from everywhere/everyone, and decide what to do.

What are the cons? You might not get any response. In that case, you will be in the same boat you are in right now. Can you think of anything that would make you think, in the future, "I'm so dumb for sending that card!"?

exactly...I really can't think of anything that would make me think that. By the time her birthday rolls around, we will be at 1 month NC, by my choice. If I get no response, I continue NC like I've been doing. What really changes?

If I was 100% sure that ignoring her birthday would do nothing but help my chances of us getting back together in the future, I would do it in a heartbeat. It's the same reason why I was strong enough to end our 2 month post-breakup friendship on good terms and go NC- because I knew I'd never get her back by being her friend, and she needed to know what it feels like to miss me. But the fact that so many females think acknowledging her birthday is a good idea, or at worst, "that it won't hurt", makes me really unsure of what to do.

All opinions are still appreciated. My ex's birthday is Feb. 19th, so I promise I will stay updating this thread. Hopefully it can help others who might be going through this, or will have to go through this same scenario in the future.

I was talking to my ex on MSN, she initiated it almost right when I signed on, we were talking for a bit and I was talking about taking a holiday when my bday is and she said she rememebered the date because it was a special date in her family too, the day came and I never even got a text from her saying happy bday, she must really hate me lol!

2011