In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
Originally posted by guest
I think for some reason alot of Asian guys dont have confidence. I think its because of sterotypes and the media.
But - to all the Asian guys out there, go nuts - half the white girls I've talked to who've had a Asian lover say the
same thing: Amazing in bed.
Just remember that white girls like a guy with confidence, so lift up that chin and go get em.
They want to be caught.
what if you really don't have what it takes to be confident... how can you be confident without being a bully...
again the "asian" I mean is the asian from asia, not asian americans. real asians don't have the american stuff that can make them confident. and they are often left out by people because of their "bad" english. it's not they don't want to confident, they don't have the opportunities to be confident in front of white girls. yes they can work really really hard to build up those characteristic that make them confident, it's just not fair that white guys don't have to work hard at all.
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I'm tired of screwing up, tired of going down, tired of myself, tired of this town
Originally posted by [Ros]Kurt[X]
what if you really don't have what it takes to be confident... how can you be confident without being a bully...
again the "asian" I mean is the asian from asia, not asian americans. real asians don't have the american stuff that can make them confident. and they are often left out by people because of their "bad" english. it's not they don't want to confident, they don't have the opportunities to be confident in front of white girls. yes they can work really really hard to build up those characteristic that make them confident, it's just not fair that white guys don't have to work hard at all.
Kurt you made an interesting point we all missed.
Yes asians from asia that come to the states normally have bad english cause they rarely use it back home. Which somewhat cripples their chances with interracial dating. which in turn, leads them to being friends with only people within their ethnic background. I feel this is where the problem lies in confidence in certain asian groups.
Actually talking about this reminds me of a similar situation with middle eastern/ indian (India) people, which they probably have.
I agree, women in general dont have to try hard to choose a good mate. i mean most women do look at their men as being the "provider". So in this situation, yes white guys probably would have better chances with women compared to the asian guy taht came recently.
If i didn't come to America at a young age, i think i'd be dealing with that right about now...
Originally posted by [Ros]Kurt[X]
and they are often left out by people because of their "bad" english.
If they want to date an American girl, then they should learn their language properly. I donīt see your point in complaining, I for my part, do not understand why someone who is not even able to communicate properly in my language would want to date me. I absolutely would understand it when someone I was interested in, but whose language I didnīt speak wouldnīt be too eager to date me. Communication is a really important part of a relationship and if you canīt speak your partners language properly then Iīm not surprised if despite all your other good qualities you might have a harder time to get in contact with people.
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it's just not fair that white guys don't have to work hard at all.
If you want fair chances, then you should consider going back home.
Too many guys here consider themselves to be such victims that itīs no wonder that they have trouble meeting women.
On this time there always comes a bunch of guys who complain they canīt get a white woman. Now, letīs look closer at this. Many women probably have a bunch of criteria that Asian maybe do not meet, they are usually not tall, not muscular, do not show the amount of confidence that attracts women. You can go and complain about the unfair and biased media, about how stupid women are for being so shallow, for being whatever, BUT you are not going to get laid by these women. All your complaints are absolutely worthless in respect to changing your situation and just make you look like whiney losers and thatīs one of the biggest turn offs that I know.
The only thing that you can do is trying to convince these women that you have a lot of other qualities that make up for your lack of size or muscles. The single market is just like any other market, you want to sell something, in this case, yourself. You improve the product so that it meets the demand of the buyer and you improve the marketing, because a good product alone is not enough.
very unfortunately I don't live in CA nor vegas nor Seatle. I live in a southern state with all those super christians around me. I have some white gal friends, they like me cuz I'm funny and sweet and cute but they never thought about dating me ( in other words I'm everything besides hot). maybe it's not the fact they don't want to date me due to I'm asian, because I don't think I have ever dated anyone for my entire life. I'm the kind of person that people usually call "losers". I don't know why I'm a loser, cuz they never told me. so I'm stuck in this terrible situation and don't know what to do.
Originally posted by [Ros]Kurt[X]
very unfortunately I don't live in CA nor vegas nor Seatle. I live in a southern state with all those super christians around me. I have some white gal friends, they like me cuz I'm funny and sweet and cute but they never thought about dating me ( in other words I'm everything besides hot). maybe it's not the fact they don't want to date me due to I'm asian, because I don't think I have ever dated anyone for my entire life. I'm the kind of person that people usually call "losers". I don't know why I'm a loser, cuz they never told me. so I'm stuck in this terrible situation and don't know what to do.
if thats the case, then the problem lies in you. As kooky said, you're the product, you're selling yourself. What good qualities do you have or can you present to those girls?
I understand you live in a southern state where interracial dating is rare, compared to other cities like cali and nyc. But if you dont put yourself out there (product) and go for what you want in life, it just wont happen.
do you lack confidence and self esteem? is it cause of your weight?
Try joining a gym and starting a workout program, when you get bigger you'll notice the difference in how yo ufeel about yourself.
I think guys have the problem of having to be more assertive and more active when it comes to dating, but women are more forgiving when it comes to looks. Your looks are still less important when you can make it up with charm, intelligence and self-confidence.
If you want to improve your chances, then Iīd suggest to start exercising a bit in order to get in shape. We are not talking about something ā la Arnold Schwarzenegger, but just some exercising to make you look fitter, healthier and more active. Second, Iīd recommend you to take some classes in whatever, because someone who is interesting and has something to tell will always attract people. Hint: mental stimulation, things are not always happening at the physical level. If your English is bad, then take some classes in English writing or literature.
If you are getting in better shape and develop your intellectual skills you will also gain more confidence and a positive side effect of joining the gym or a class will be that you have the opportunity to meet people and get to know them better.
I wonder why the Asian guys here are so eager to date white females, they probably would have less problems dating an Asian girl. But maybe itīs less about dating a woman, but more about going for the unattainable ones. If they were in Asia they would probably also go for the girls who are out of their league and complain that life is unfair and women are all superficial and do not appreciate nice guys.
I can only say, the women that you are after probably did a lot in order to improve their product which in turn makes you want them. Ergo, you will also have to invest some time and energy in yourself if you want to play in their league. You will have to be better than the white guys, but thatīs your choice, you could as well go for a woman who is less demanding, but thatīs just not what you want. So stop complaining and try to improve your chances or shut up and take what you can get.
Thanks a lot for the advises. right - I am working in the gym and on the track and hopefully will gain some weight... lol I'm a slim guy weighing only 148lb. I'm feeling pretty confident today though I figured that I should look at girls a little more... one of my gal friends followed me from the dorm room to the exit of the building, I did notice her till then cuz I never look at girls... I said I don't know why I don't look at them, but pretty girls usually make me feel bad cuz I know they all have hot boyfriends and their prettyness makes me feel I'm ugly (I'm a normal looking asian with glasses)... I know that girls are more forgiving in terms of looking, but what would you choose, if two guys are of similar quality but one is prettier? There are TONS of hot looking white guys out there. I'm trying to get to know more people, but 18 credit hrs and 8am classes everyday and my self-esteem doesn't let me go out partying all the time. I can only try to be around people by participating in extra-curriculum activities. I did find quite a few very nice girls that I would love to be with for the rest of my life, but they are all upperclassman. I'm afraid that they will consider a freshman as a little brother instead of a reliable man (however I'm 20 years old). Plus dating between council members is not quite a nice thing to do. Even worse is that I'm ECE major, the world of single men, mostly asian... It's just sooo hard to find a decent girl to chase, who doesn't have a boyfriend. there's a saying: never assume a nice girl is single, cuz she'll always have a boyfriend; never assume a guy is in a relationship, cuz he'll always say that he's single.... hahaha I know that ain't true
Well I am Black and female and definitely interested in dating Asian men. I have dated Asian men and I have appreciated the way in which I have been treated. Any suggestions for meeting Asian (particularly Japanese) men in Toronto? I am close to a Japanese man. We hand out together A LOT. He ttreats me really well. Takes me out regularly, always pays, gives me gifts, etc. I think he is really hot but I guess he just thinks of me as a friend I have dropped hints but he doesn't seem to be picking up on it and I am not going to chase him. I am looking for single or divorced men over 40.
You have both summed this up PERFECTLY. That's exactly what I see here in Canada too.
Black women may as well be invisible and Asian men unless they are tall and in an exotic industry such as entertainment are shunned too. Tall Asian men with a hip appearance (e.g. long hair, very trendy clothes) tend to be hit on constantly by White women.
Anyway because of factors like this, I stopped going to clubs. It was just too humiliating to be ignored night after night. The men tended to go for young blonde and Asian women who were thin and dressed in skimpy clothing. Other than that, you could stand there the whole night and be ignored. The Asian men were turned down time after time when they asked women to dance.
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Originally posted by Jeff
Have any of you realize that black women feel this same dilemma in regards to interracial dating in a similar light to us Asian guys? I talk with some and they agree that both black women and Asian men are getting the short end of the stick in interracial dating. Love is not color blind nor preference blind. You just have to work with what you have and hope for luck.
Monkey00,
I agree with your assessment on modern Western society. Love courtship has changed much in this time and age. I think people are not necessarily going to go for what you can offer from the "inside" but focus more on the "outside." Dating is becoming more primal oriented, unlike the past. If you don't believe, just check out the nightclubs in major integrated cities of the USA. It is meat market, and a very racist one at that. Black guys get more than they could handle, while Asian men and Black women just walk around by themselves. There is no free, fair and colorblind preferences in dating. People date images and stereotypes. Of course, this is accentuated when you take interracial dating/attraction into consideration. Some groups are left out (ie Asian men and black women).
I'm not sure if what you guys here experience is really racism or not the same problem that a lot of other white guys experience - problems finding a girlfriend. If this was purely about racism, then I wonder how come that some Asian guys obviously do not have problems finding someone. And how come that according to your theory Asian women have more success in the dating game? Seems like this is less race-related, but a gender problem that also white guys have. This has less to do with your race, but with the fact that you are a guys and guys, well, have the luck to be considered the ones who do the approaching and wooing thing. White guys have the same problem.
I think we should stop this thread now, because I do not think that this is going to be helpful for any of you. No absolutely not, it only fuels your belief that it's your race that creates your dating problems while in reality it's the fact that you are probably nice guys who don't know how dating works or what women want. Step out of this thread and read the posts about nice guys, doormats, etc. and how to approach women. That seems to be more useful than dwelling on this thread and wallowing in self-pity.
I also don't understand it why a white girl should like you just because you like her and if she doesn't, put the blame on your race. Maybe you're just not what she wants. Maybe she just doesn't like your looks, but that's her choice. Just because you are interested in interracial dating doesn't mean that she thinks the same. I'm sorry, why should she? Because you are a nice guy? Well, you may be nice, but still not what she's looking for. I had to turn guys down that were nice and that I liked, but not how they wanted to. I always feel bad for hurting their feelings, but I also can't always say yes, the consequence would be me doing things for other people that I actually do not want to do just in order to avoid hurting their feelings, and a big big harem. You are interested, she isn't and says no, that's how it is. Some white women find Asian guys cute, others don't. Resenting them for their taste is not going to help you.
There was a really long discussion on this thread about nice guys, I hope it can make you understand that it's not only about race. Attraction is based on a lot of other things than merely your race. A good-looking, confident, nice, smart Asian guy would not have problems finding a girlfriend.
That may have sounded a bit harsh what I said, but I see one guy without a girlfriend confirming the next one that it's all about race and I'm sure that some women might find this to be a turn off. You should start realizing that with this strategy you are not reaching to find a girlfriend.
Last edited by tokyo; 13th March 2005 at 6:14 AM..
Kooky. I am sorry to say that you are wrong. Ignoring the problem and putting the blame on the Asian men (or Black women) is not helpful and it fact it's downright cruel.
We live in a media driven society. Certain people are promoted as "hot" and sought after and others are shunned. I have had White men tell me POINT BLANK that while they would be willing to be my friend, they don't find BLACK SKIN attractive and they would never CONSIDER dating a Black woman. I am not talking about one or two guys either. Also, I have seen men go gah gah over blondes time and time again. I believe an Asian guy posted in this very thread that he wants a blonde. Are you going to tell me that ALL of the blondes have their act together and no attitude problems or issues with how they approach dating and that none of the Asian men and Black women do? I know MANY wonderful, and attractive Asian men and Black women of great character who are without patners and a lot of downright bitchy blondes who are SWAMPED with requests for dates and hit on constantly.
So please, don't add to the hurt and humiliation people already face by blaming THEM. It's doouble the cruelty and it won't address or solve the real problem....racism in North America and the fact that the dating playing field is far from level.
Topaze, I feel sorry when you get rejected for the color of your skin, but I still don't think it has that much to do with racism. It's not my intention to be cruel, but some people here seem to put too much emphasis on their race than other issues.
People will alway have preferences about their partner, some people do not want to date someone for a special feature, in your case it was the color of your skin that they didn't like, in other cases it's the color of the hair or the weight. It can be anything. You mentioned Asian men and black women of great character and bitchy blondes who are surrounded by a bunch of guys. You are actually asking why does someone with a great character loses against someone who is so dumb. That happens all the time, through all the races. Everybody would like to be loved for his inner values, but it just doesn't happen, we are not ethereal beings without a body, we get influenced by our animalistic instincts. I don't think race is the issue, it's the lack of attraction. Everybody has a set of preferences, if that doesn't include black skin or slanted eyes, so it be. I honestly don't understand why people insist on dating someone who does not want to date them and then blame it on their race.
And my post did not adress in any way black women, I was talking about Asian guys as the topic of this thread revolves around Asian guys having problems with dating.
Well I have started a Black woman thread as I think that similar dynamics are at play. I will be interested to hear what the men have to say.
In terms of insisting that people date me, that is not what I am focusing on. However, we all need love. If you happen to be an Asian man or a Black woman and you live in a White community in which the people around you won't even consider you...I am not saying consider, evaluate and then decide in favour of someone else, you aren't even condisered, well quite frankly it sucks.
I know some wonderful Asian men who can't find partners despite the fact that they are truly wonderful human beings. Yet, I see some Black and White guys who are players and jerks and they are swarmed by women. Same with the Black woman thing. I know some truly beautiful Black women (some have even modeled)and they have great personalities and no dates. Yet, I see some blondes who are cruel to the men they date and they have them lining up at the door.
Here is one example. One man in whom I was interested told me that he didn't find Black skin attractive. (We were just talking I never let him know how I felt. He has dated 3 blonde women who he has caught having sex with the man who at the time was his best friend (different women, different best friends, different stages of life). Yet, he will only consider a Blonde in her 20s who is slim and with big boobs. he is now 44 and he has never been married. I have since learned that he has many negative qualities so it would not have worked out anyway. But, at the time, it really, really hurt. I have had a number of experiences like that so I can relate to what some of the Asian men are saying.
Last edited by Topaze; 13th March 2005 at 9:55 AM..
The problem you have described with Asian guys and black women being wonderful people and still not getting dates is the same problem that a lot of white people also face. It boils down to personal preferences. If a guy likes blonde with big breasts he also rejects the brunettes, the redhaired, the darkhaired. He will also reject girls who have less in the upper department. So what.
And I don't want to sound nasty, but why do you criticize white men for being players and jerks and still getting dates when you yourself seem to have fallen for someone that I would have put in the same category? You fell for him and you got rejected, that of course hurt, but how come you could fall so quickly for someone who obviously wasn't the best match for you? You don't feel so rejected and hurt if you don't fall too much in love with people that you don't know if you can trust or not. That doesn't look like it's a problem with race that you had, but with falling too fast for the wrong person and that happens to everybody.
I think dating in itself already is a tough game, and to make sure I don't do well in it either, but I'd say if you bring the interracial card into it, it gets even tougher. Human beings often prefer to stick to what they know and if that means only someone with the same color of skin as they have, then you can't change it. But if you want to spice up the game, then you must be prepared for more rejection and more hurt.
And I don't want to sound nasty, but why do you criticize white men for being players and jerks and still getting dates when you yourself seem to have fallen for someone that I would have put in the same category? You fell for him and you got rejected, that of course hurt, but how come you could fall so quickly for someone who obviously wasn't the best match for you? You don't feel so rejected and hurt if you don't fall too much in love with people that you don't know if you can trust or not. That doesn't look like it's a problem with race that you had, but with falling too fast for the wrong person and that happens to everybody.
Not that difficult to understand. When I first met him, he was in a leadership position at a conference and he seemed like a nice guy. He was physically attractive, outgoing, energetic, and religious. It didn't take long for me to see the other side. Trust me, it wasn't until after I got to know him that I realized that he was a jerk. Kissing and telling. Pretending to be religious and then going as far a she women would let him and then dumping them saying he didn't find them attractive.
And no, I don't fall too fast for everyone. Another time when this happened, the guy had been taking me out for 5 months before I realized that he saw me as "just a friend". By then, yes I had developed feelings for him. The other scenario is meetin guys on the net and they will tell you point blank that they would be friends with a Black woman but would never consider dating them. Some Asian male friends of mine have told me about similar experiences.
The dating game is tough enough without making people feel like something is worng with THEM when it's other people who are rejecting them and not even giving them a chance because of superficial reasons like race and hair colour.
Kooky, your advice about "sticking to your own" is not viable when there are few of "our own" to be had in the areas in which we live.
Last edited by Topaze; 13th March 2005 at 2:54 PM..
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I have dropped hints but he doesn't seem to be picking up on it and I am not going to chase him. I am looking for single or divorced men over 40.
You are interested, she isn't and says no, that's how it is. Some white women find Asian guys cute, others don't. Resenting them for their taste is not going to help you. 
Hybrid Mode
