Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
I recently had a conversation with my other half, and he told me that he doesn't believe that I trust him. Well of course it hurt alot, but he also said that he understands and that we have years to work on it. My problem is that I believe that I do trust him, I just have this automatic pilot that sets in occasionally. We are all afraid of what people can do, but that doesn't mean we think they will.
We have talked about other people, and I explained to him that I have no desire for any other guy, i.e I do not look at another guy sexually, I don't flirt with other guys, I just feel sick thinking of being with someone else, because he is all I need. His response is that he trusts me, so that I could do things and he would trust me not to go further than I should. Only problem is he thinks that way about his actions too. I tell him I do not like someone and he simply says "But I don't do anything, so you should trust me" I explained that there is a big difference between trusting someone, and being hurt by someone's actions.
The latest conversation (we talk alot and ask questions of each other to get it all out in the open, I am sure some of you would see this to be a bad thing) I asked him if he gets turned on by other women, he kinda shrugged. I asked if a chick walked in with a low cut top and short skirt would he get turned on. He said no. I asked if a chick walked in topless would he get turned on. His response was, "well maybe" I asked why, and his response was "because it gets me thinking about my baby's breasts" I told him that was bull**** and he said "Well it sounded good". I asked him why he would get turned on by another women and he couldn't answer.
Am I wrong for getting upset by this? Is it something about the male being that has to get turned on by anything that moves? Does it make a male any less committed?
i think its healthy for a man to be turned on when he sees a topless woman - in fact, i think he has problems if he doesn't get turned on (unless its not an attractive sight).
just because u'r committed to someone doesn't mean you don't find other people attractive. but because u'r committed, you don't go after these people.
that's my view,
-yes
PS too much talking about these things IS bad, i think ...
Is it something about the male being that has to get turned on by anything that moves?
Yes. Men are wired differently than females. They are visual. I would be shocked to hear about a man who didn't get turned on by looking at an attractive woman. Your boyfriend sounds perfectly normal.
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Does it make a male any less committed?
No. You obviously aren't feeling completely confident in your relationship if you are worried about things like this. Don't worry about it. Just because he sees a woman he finds attractive doesn't mean he is going to pick up and leave you for her.
Asking your b/f if he'd be turned on if a topless chick walked into the room is an unfair question, in my opinion. He's either going to feel like he has to lie to avoid upsetting you, or he tells the truth and become all insecure..it's a no-win question for him.
You might be better off just focusing on the here and now, versus thinking up hypothetical questions/scenarios and then working yourself into a stew by his responses. Who needs undue stress?
Just because you find somebody attractive does not mean you are going to sleep with that person. Are you saying that there is not a single man that you think is attractive anywhere on this planet now you have a boyfriend, including the stars you might have had crushes on? I seriously doubt it.
No wonder your BF doesn't think you trust him!!! You don't!
If you did, you would believe him when he says that he might think another woman is attractive, but that doesn't mean he'll leave you for her. You have to realize that just because you are committed does not mean you are dead. It is a fact that men are visual and that they get turned on by visuals - but being turned on is not being unfaithful; it's normal and human.
You also should not tell him that he's lying when he says that seeing another woman reminds him of you because that's probably exactly what it does.
If I were you, I would try to work on my own insecurities because your lack of trust will hurt the relationship. It's the same with people who worry about a guy looking at porn sometimes (and I don't mean the addicts). Very often, the guys are using it to imagine things they want to do with their ladies - not with the people in the pictures.
what are you controlling? the attraction! ah - so it does arise... but you can control it. the attraction part is healthy; the control part is the result of committment.
Location: Diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Posts: 1,105
I was going to post a reason for how I am, but that contained too much personal information. I will stick with this; I'm quite different than everyone.
Everyone that knows me in person will agree fully.
I never said I had an attraction. I don't find myself looking at men in any other way than "he has a funny hat on" "Cool shirt" or whatever. I don't look further than that, I have no reason or desire. All males but my b/f are plain boring men to me.
When I'm in a relationship with someone I really care about, I also can see a gorgeous guy walk by and I notice but that's where it ends, I don't sit there and fantasize about them, wish they were mine, get all tingly inside....BUT...on the other hand, I'm mature enough to know that men are wired differently than women; they are inherently very visual. So your guy sees a hot topless chick somewhere, of course it's going to get his attention....he'd have to be in a deep coma not to notice...but that doesn't mean he's going to get a boner, nor does it mean he's going to think to himself "man I wish I had that" nor does it mean he's going to go home that night and beat off to thoughts of this chick.
You sound to me like someone whose entire total complete world is wrapped up in your b/f....you hang off every word he says, you take note of every little thing he does, and as you've said, he's "all you need." You come across as being extremely emotionally dependent on him for your happiness.....and maybe this is the root of your insecurity and inability to totally trust him, and the reason for your need to ask him these "loaded" questions.
All I can tell ya is that no man likes to be nit-picked and interrogated and grilled with hypothetical-loaded questions.........it reminds him of when he was a child and living at home with his Mother.
Your inability to trust him is YOUR problem, not at all his. From what you've shared, he's not done or said anything to cause you to mistrust him......
If you somehow think that living with him down the road here is going to help you to trust him more, think again. I predict that you'll watch his every move more, and analyze his every word and answer to the Nth degree.......and he's going to end up feeling smothered, mothered, mistrusted and resentful.
And Bill, you're a great guy, I'm sure...but sometimes your responses to things are totally cut and dry, black and white.....you're very sure of yourself, it would appear, but a lot of them sound extreme.....and you surely don't speak for the majority of men.
To say that you don't become attracted to hot chicks, or given Kat's scenario (topless chick)....that you wouldn't because you have "control".....that totally and completely indicates that you DO in fact feel some degree of attraction but that you CONSCIOUSLY suppress it.
People, we're not talking about a guy getting a raging hard-on here, when he sees a beautiful or sexy woman out in public.........we're talking about a guy finding someone pleasing to the eye. We're not talking about the guy drooling all over the place or getting a serious case of whiplash........we're just talking about him noticing.
Kat, whether you know it or not, it would seem to me that you're simply sabatoging your relationship, looking for trouble.......your insecurity with yourself and inability to trust men is manifesting itself in your need to ask your b/f controversial questions that he tries to answer truthfully, then you go and accuse him of being a liar. What the hell do you want from him?????
I wouldn't worry Kat, he answered you honestly, and you should really respect that. You wouldn't want him to lie about it, right? I think every person, whether they are in a relationship or not, would find others attractive.
Location: Diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Posts: 1,105
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And Bill, you're a great guy, I'm sure...but sometimes your responses to things are totally cut and dry, black and white.....you're very sure of yourself, it would appear, but a lot of them sound extreme.....and you surely don't speak for the majority of men.
To say that you don't become attracted to hot chicks, or given Kat's scenario (topless chick)....that you wouldn't because you have "control".....that totally and completely indicates that you DO in fact feel some degree of attraction but that you CONSCIOUSLY suppress it.
I speak for myself, I never implied I was speaking for anyone else.
I never said, "I don't become attracted to 'hot chicks'". I said I don't get turned on. Those are two very different things.
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