I was dating this woman for a little while (we went out a few times, never got serious). She decided she didn't want to start a relationship because the chemistry wasn't really there and that I seemed a little "young" for my age (in other words not really mature). I didn't push it at all, even though I liked her, because I knew her answer was final. We did however agree to stay friends and see if anything developed. Over the past few months we have become good friends, and while I mostly think of her as a friend I still at times hope it could be more.
She told me a few days ago that she is seeing someone else. And while I told her I was happy for her and I really do want to see her happy, I can't help but feel a bit disappointed at the same time. I do like her and I think the chemistry has been growing. Today I sent her an email saying that I have mixed feelings but I do want to see her happy and so I hoped it could work out with her and this guy.
The thing is, I am 32 and she is 35. She really wants to get married and probably start a family soon. I also want that but am not sure if I am mature enough for her yet (she is a very poised, confident, and strong willed woman). I would hate to interfere with this, somehow convince her we should have a relationship and then not have it work out because, like I say, as a friend I really want to see her happy. So I am not really sure what I should do. Any suggestions?
I would hate to interfere with this, somehow convince her we should have a relationship and then not have it work out because, like I say, as a friend I really want to see her happy.
This.
Let her go and be happy for her. Stop thinking that she'll turn around. You'll just get disappointed once again. Go out there and date other women.
She will never have a romantic curiosity about you again. So to help both yof you out, you need to stop hanging with her. SHe isnt attracted to you anymore, and you are holding yourself back by hoping something will come out of this when it wont. This isnt a friendship, this is an infatuation from your end. Once you admit that to yourself, maybe then you can let her go. Go get a 32 year old that likes you, and stop clinging to this unabtainable woman.
__________________ ADF: People don't lie to spare other people; people lie to spare themselves. Anybody who says, "it's not you, it's me" is beneath contempt.
I was dating this woman for a little while (we went out a few times, never got serious). She decided she didn't want to start a relationship because the chemistry wasn't really there and that I seemed a little "young" for my age (in other words not really mature). I didn't push it at all, even though I liked her, because I knew her answer was final. We did however agree to stay friends and see if anything developed. Over the past few months we have become good friends, and while I mostly think of her as a friend I still at times hope it could be more.
She told me a few days ago that she is seeing someone else. And while I told her I was happy for her and I really do want to see her happy, I can't help but feel a bit disappointed at the same time. I do like her and I think the chemistry has been growing. Today I sent her an email saying that I have mixed feelings but I do want to see her happy and so I hoped it could work out with her and this guy.
The thing is, I am 32 and she is 35. She really wants to get married and probably start a family soon. I also want that but am not sure if I am mature enough for her yet (she is a very poised, confident, and strong willed woman). I would hate to interfere with this, somehow convince her we should have a relationship and then not have it work out because, like I say, as a friend I really want to see her happy. So I am not really sure what I should do. Any suggestions?
I don't think either member can truly be "friends" as long as there's romantic feelings involved from either party. BUT, if you're able to manage, good on you. Just be ready for the constant kick in the gut every time she's with another man. I've found over time though that those feelings go away and if you're mature enough (which you seem to be) you really do just want them to be happy. Good luck, it's a rollercoaster I don't want to ride anymore!
The thing is, I am 32 and she is 35. She really wants to get married and probably start a family soon. I also want that but am not sure if I am mature enough for her yet (she is a very poised, confident, and strong willed woman). I would hate to interfere with this, somehow convince her we should have a relationship and then not have it work out because, like I say, as a friend I really want to see her happy. So I am not really sure what I should do. Any suggestions?
First off, lets get rid of the maturity excuse. If you were so immature you wouldn't even be her friend.
Next, you're in a situation that far too many people get themselves in - hoping that things will change - in your favour. Two things you can do, you can ride it out and in all likelihood, experience overwhelming pain and frustration in the process or you can, and should, cut your losses and cut all ties.
The common choice I've seen people take is to climb aboard the gut-wrenching emotional roller coaster ride to nowhere, hanging on until the pain becomes unbearable or the road ahead becomes patently clear (she gets married or she stops initiating contact with you).
Point is, you're traveling a well worn route whichever path you decide to take. One can only hope that you come out the other side relatively unscathed.
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Last edited by A O; 7th November 2009 at 1:40 AM..
Thanks for all of your advice. Honestly, I have seen her as more of a friend than romantically over the past while. So I was surprised that this bothered me when I found out. I have a lot of female friends, some of them are ex -girlfriends/crushes, so I am pretty confident that if I decided to I could put those feelings aside I could go on being friends with her, it just means I have to close the door of anything ever happening. Anyways, I think if I see what her reaction is I will know the answer to whether anything is possible or not and I can move on.
OP, tell her about this hot new prospect you have your eye on. She will be appropriately happy for you and interested in the details, if she is really a friend. Her reaction will help you move on emotionally. Disinterest will indicate that she doesn't consider you a true friend. Jealousy might convey potential instability, considering her current circumstance; the disease of the external validation junkie. At minimum, again going to friendship, she didn't want you but is annoyed that another woman might. It will help you see her for who she truly is. Often, truth is a really healthy thing.
You have no hot new prospect, you say? Well, that's job one
Not a tactic, because he's not trying to gain the romantic attention of the person. He's trying to discern if she's a friend worth keeping, as he has successful platonic relationships, as I have throughout my life. This 'tactic' helps separate the true friends from the worker monkey gatherers, IMO. Feel free to disagree
Not a tactic, because he's not trying to gain the romantic attention of the person. He's trying to discern if she's a friend worth keeping, as he has successful platonic relationships, as I have throughout my life.
It is a tactic because the chief reason for seeking another prospect is to test the relative interest level, romantic or otherwise (it matters not which one) of the woman he's interested in. The only time its not a tactic is if he chooses another prospect simply because he's genuinely interested in that person (and not because there's an ulterior motive lucking in the wings).
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This 'tactic' helps separate the true friends from the worker monkey gatherers, IMO. Feel free to disagree
The problem about tactics/game-playing is that once you start, its hard to stop using them. There's no substitute for good ole fashioned face to face communication or observation.
OK, let's go with that. Set up the scenario for the OP for some direct communication.
Re-reading the OP, he is not firmly in the friend camp yet, but is still holding out 'hope'. OP, is that correct? If so, working on your feelings, resolving them to a non-romantic state, would be my corrected job-one imperative. A 'new hot prospect' can help with this, diverting your energy and time, but the value of that is dependent on your psychology. For some, it might hurt more than it helps. How would you feel if meeting someone else whom you found attractive right now?
This smells like game-playing, I'm not a fan of such tactics. The OP really only has one true cause to take. It's up to him to choose it.
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It is a tactic to test her genuine-ness as a friend, but I like this test because maybe if he does this, it will help him shed some romantic feelings about her, solidify in his mind that it will never happen with her, and maybe wise up and go pursue a woman who might like him. But really he needs to cut ties with her for a while, that would actually work better.
I actually think dating some more would be a good idea for me. I can't be sure what her reaction would be, but she did give me some pretty blunt dating advice last time we met saying that as a friend she just wanted to see me happy (she can often be very direct, which is actually a characteristic I appreciate). Since she seems willing to give advice, I think I may ask her if she has any more. I think I could use it.
We will meet next week again (we take badminton lessons together) and then she will be away most of the time until January. I have been thinking that maybe this will be for the best as I can have some space to get rid of any lingering feelings I may have.
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