Justification for guilt!!!! She yet blames you!!.... to make herself feel better... She doesn't know how to say... I care about you enough to contact you knowing you are suffering from a serious illness. If it were me I would want to ask her if she really cared??? Is she feeling guilty?? or why she wanted to contact me in the first place???
OK Tojaz & the rest of you why use the drinking to try & forget some of the pain? You will have to deal with it again late so might as well do it now.
I would get Gunny in here to help me kick some butt but he is probably also drinking so maybe it's just me.
I understand Tojaz what's it like when you feel you do so well & then you talk to the former W & it's like right back in your face. I feel I can talk to anyone in the world, but when it comes to the former W I can't do it. It's like we go back right to the place we used to be....
Just get thru today & tomorrow is a new day.....Get out & rub some sunshine on your face, don't let that stick'n think'n get to you.
__________________ God's aim looks like He's missing the mark because we're too nearsighted to see what He is aiming at.
Feel kinda strange posting on one of your threads...anyway, I don't think your wife will look back on you and the marriage in a negative way forever. She's doing it now to justify her departure. In the beginning, the one who leaves starts to define the relationship as troubled, while the one left behind is left thinking the ex is wonderful and the relationship wasn't THAT bad.
But as time passes, the roles reverse. The one left behind starts to see the negative, while the one who left starts to remember the good times and forget the bad.
I think your ex will get there one day. She will remember the positives eventually, and the negatives will fade away.
You did just find before you meet the X ~ and you'll do just fine without here afterwards.
Granted that's me saying that ~ and granted that your mind is like a pinball machine going "tilt" and not getting the message?
IMHO? Part of this is that she knew you were sick and couldn't deal with it. That is to say that she "loved" you and couldn't deal with your being sick, and the possibile end out-come of it all?
Am I misreading your initial post in that you've come down with the Big "C"
Whatever illness it is?
Damn Bro! My heart goes out to you. It really does! To begoing through a divorce and a major life threating illess ~ well it just really sucks ~ Big time!.
What your going to have to do is step up to the plate for you! You've got to concentrate all your enery on getting yourself well and healthy. (Hint if you do have cancer? Get your happy-self to Houston, TX yesterday)
My baby-sister came down with a form of cancer that has never been diagonised in anyone under the age of six. A brain tumor. She was 37 at the time.
She (who lived in Texas) went to Houstion and she's in remission and still kicking some Texas butt in her forties.
If you've got cancer, theres two places to go. UAB (University of Alabama ~ Birmingham) and Houston Texas. I would suggest Houston
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
Well Tojaz my friend...it's been another long night. I really do hope and believe you will again be alright when you wake. I drink and drink, yet don't sleep more than 1-2 hours a night, so my thoughts stay with me at all times. However, I read about folks like you and it gives me that hope that I'll eventually be stronger, well, hopefully my head will be alright.
I lay here on the couch, in the dark, because I refuse to sleep in the bed we shared for so long, and just think all night. Not just about her, or our relationship, but I come here and read about others and think about y'all as well. Most of us were done really wrong, and can't figure out what the Fu ck we did outside of what "they" tell us.
Damnit I want to keep typing but I'm losing focus. More when I sober up. Thank the iPhone for correcting my spelling.
__________________
it leave never would you, you show could I if
Well Tojaz my friend...it's been another long night. I really do hope and believe you will again be alright when you wake. I drink and drink, yet don't sleep more than 1-2 hours a night, so my thoughts stay with me at all times. However, I read about folks like you and it gives me that hope that I'll eventually be stronger, well, hopefully my head will be alright.
I lay here on the couch, in the dark, because I refuse to sleep in the bed we shared for so long, and just think all night. Not just about her, or our relationship, but I come here and read about others and think about y'all as well. Most of us were done really wrong, and can't figure out what the Fu ck we did outside of what "they" tell us.
Damnit I want to keep typing but I'm losing focus. More when I sober up. Thank the iPhone for correcting my spelling.
Hey Aksion - have you been to your GP or a counsellor to get any help yet? I know I am being Miss Practical and it is probably the last thing you want to hear right now.
If you don't sleep you will go crazy....a couple of drinks is ok now and then to dull the pain, maybe even 10 drinks, but not every night. Are you in the house alone every night?
Have you tried just not caring what she thinks of anything anymore? It really is possible. Believe it! Like a tap...turn it off. You are 8 months in now, time to stop dwelling on her and think about the future, without her in it. Think of happy life experiences that are yours for the taking when you free your mind of her. She ain't paying rent to live in your head, so boot her out. Who cares if she has her hat n gloves? Those kinda thoughts are mental tojaz. I know, been there, done that and the best possible thing to do, for you, is never talk to her again, cut off all communication. She is way too negative but that is her business, nothing to do with you anymore. You must start thinking positive thoughts. You will recover physically...you're a big, strong tough guy. You will recover mentally if you set your mind to it. It takes work. You can do it. You are almost there.
__________________ you've been too gone for too long, now it's too late to come back home-------randy travis
Justification for guilt!!!! She yet blames you!!.... to make herself feel better... She doesn't know how to say... I care about you enough to contact you knowing you are suffering from a serious illness. If it were me I would want to ask her if she really cared??? Is she feeling guilty?? or why she wanted to contact me in the first place???
Surfer Girl, I would like to ask her those things as well. The thing is, I don't think she knows to be honest. If i'm clear that I want her to leave me alone, she seems to try to be nice yet if I try to be friendly she pushes me away. The writing lately has been a constant back and forth, starts pleasant, goes bad. I acknowledge that fact, back to pleasant again. Shes dealing with something on her end, but in her eyes it all has to do with me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PWSX3
OK Tojaz & the rest of you why use the drinking to try & forget some of the pain? You will have to deal with it again late so might as well do it now.
I would get Gunny in here to help me kick some butt but he is probably also drinking so maybe it's just me.
I understand Tojaz what's it like when you feel you do so well & then you talk to the former W & it's like right back in your face. I feel I can talk to anyone in the world, but when it comes to the former W I can't do it. It's like we go back right to the place we used to be....
Just get thru today & tomorrow is a new day.....Get out & rub some sunshine on your face, don't let that stick'n think'n get to you.
Thanks Gunny Jr. I know all this and tell it to others all the time. I wasn't drinking out of deperation or even dispair. More just being emotionally exhausted by a lot of things in my life, the ex just put the last thing on the pile yesterday. Still not proud, but I made the decision to drink, no nephews, no responsibilites for the night. Not the best coping mechanism or one I resort to often, but last night I decided to head it off at the pass, let myself go and be a little wreckless for a change, to be honest i enjoyed not having the weight on my shoulders for a little while, but now I will pick it up and plod on. Breaks over! Thanks PW!
TOJAZ
__________________
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -Dr.Sydney Friedman
Feel kinda strange posting on one of your threads...anyway, I don't think your wife will look back on you and the marriage in a negative way forever. She's doing it now to justify her departure. In the beginning, the one who leaves starts to define the relationship as troubled, while the one left behind is left thinking the ex is wonderful and the relationship wasn't THAT bad.
But as time passes, the roles reverse. The one left behind starts to see the negative, while the one who left starts to remember the good times and forget the bad.
I think your ex will get there one day. She will remember the positives eventually, and the negatives will fade away.
SHB, don't ever feel funny about posting on one of my threads or anyone elses. You give great advice of late and everybody needs it once in awhile, and believe me, I'm no different then you or anybody else here, just posting and trying to help others here has become my way of working on myself and coping. Sounds like you have been doing some of the reading I suggested awhile back, either that or you are way ahead of the curve! your right though, and i believe I have developed a pretty accurate view of how my marriage went. i own what was mine, i am not innocent, but i laid the rest at her feet. knowing it's not true is one thing, but having to hear it is another. many people have told me she will regret this, i think parts of her already do, but i also know that her pride will never allow her to admit that. it will be easier for her to live the lie then to face the truth after the fact, i think thats a big part of why walk aways stay away, and why my wife avoids any in person contact. Every time she saw me she would burst into tears, not the reaction of someone leaving an abusive man that they never loved and had been imprisoned by.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gunny376
Am I misreading your initial post in that you've come down with the Big "C"
No Gunny, not the BIG C thank god. I have already been called a Big A by my ex who was acting like a Big B which of course lead to the Big D. A Big C would complete the set, but I managed to dodge that bullet! Although that was on the table for awhile.
In a nutshell, it is a repiratory issue that makes me sensitive to certain things which happen to be present in my line of work. It is life threatening and my father passed from the same thing quickly and without warning so i'm a little tweaked about it. It is controllable now that it has been discovered, but working out treatment has been trial and error which has lead to some bad days recently and some permanent damage.
Thanks for the post Gunny, as usual, just the right message at just the right time. I am doing what i can to get healthy but unfortunately that leaves me with a lot of down time to think and my mind still wanders back to her sometimes. Not nearly as often as it used to though, and I'm finding new things and new people to occupy my thoughts and my time.
Little victories!
TOJAZ
Well Tojaz my friend...it's been another long night. I really do hope and believe you will again be alright when you wake. I drink and drink, yet don't sleep more than 1-2 hours a night, so my thoughts stay with me at all times. However, I read about folks like you and it gives me that hope that I'll eventually be stronger, well, hopefully my head will be alright.
I lay here on the couch, in the dark, because I refuse to sleep in the bed we shared for so long, and just think all night. Not just about her, or our relationship, but I come here and read about others and think about y'all as well. Most of us were done really wrong, and can't figure out what the Fu ck we did outside of what "they" tell us.
Damnit I want to keep typing but I'm losing focus. More when I sober up. Thank the iPhone for correcting my spelling.
AK, your going to be OK, but it's going to take some will! I mentioned little victories above. On another thread awhile back, I mentioned that to another LSer and it seemed to help. Go out everyday looking for a little victory. Eat somewhere you used to frequent together by yourself, do something she didn't like, hell, leave the toilet seat up! It gives you power, gives you back your life, at least for a little while. My wife hated country music, I never listened to it around her. One day I just said F**K IT and while cleaning up the house, I put my favorite CDs in and turned it up til you could hear it down the block. That was a little victory but for that time, I was living FOR ME and not WITHOUT HER! Put down the bottle and go find something to do for you and only you. Drinking is not the answer, I took a rare moment last night, but I wanted it, I didn't need it. If the bottle is the only way you cope, then it's time to try something else.
TOJAZ
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopesndreams
Have you tried just not caring what she thinks of anything anymore? It really is possible. Believe it! Like a tap...turn it off. You are 8 months in now, time to stop dwelling on her and think about the future, without her in it. Think of happy life experiences that are yours for the taking when you free your mind of her. She ain't paying rent to live in your head, so boot her out. Who cares if she has her hat n gloves? Those kinda thoughts are mental tojaz. I know, been there, done that and the best possible thing to do, for you, is never talk to her again, cut off all communication. She is way too negative but that is her business, nothing to do with you anymore. You must start thinking positive thoughts. You will recover physically...you're a big, strong tough guy. You will recover mentally if you set your mind to it. It takes work. You can do it. You are almost there.
Thanks H&D and I have tried not caring, but I'm not wired that way, not for anyone, not just her. Most of the time my mind is clear, and the hat and gloves were stupid, but thats been me, trying to be the partner I wanted to be for 13 years. I knew it was dumb as I was doing it, but instinct is hard to break. She is to negative and thats up to her to fix for herself, and I also realize that i don't want her in my life as she is now. Just got stuck on lingering thoughts, I'll make it though.
TOJAZ
Last edited by tojaz; 7th November 2009 at 10:53 AM..
Feel kinda strange posting on one of your threads...anyway, I don't think your wife will look back on you and the marriage in a negative way forever. She's doing it now to justify her departure. In the beginning, the one who leaves starts to define the relationship as troubled, while the one left behind is left thinking the ex is wonderful and the relationship wasn't THAT bad.
But as time passes, the roles reverse. The one left behind starts to see the negative, while the one who left starts to remember the good times and forget the bad.
I think your ex will get there one day. She will remember the positives eventually, and the negatives will fade away.
I totally agree with this because I do feel it has happened to me. At the beginning I was told it was all my fault, I was the one that didn't work on the marriage, etc. etc.
So I believed it until I started to do something about it and "ADMIT" that yes I did have a part in it but it wasn't just me but there was something I could do about my part. Sure it might not get my marriage back but it would make me a better person.
So as I started to do the classes, meet new people I started to grow & I started to see yes I did have a part in the bad marriage but "I" didn't have a part in the divorce, that was all her....
I also started to see her faults, her part in the marriage & I didn't have to own that part anymore, she had to own that.
I still see the good times but I can also see the bad that got us to that point.
Meanwhile she is seeing the bad and only the bad, but now she is seeing the good, it's been a while but she told me she has deep feelings for me & prays that I'll be happy.
I think part of it is, when things aren't going like they thought they should they start to see it wasn't ALL your fault & that they do have to own there part & they don't want to do that so they try & blame that as well on you which makes them even that more evil.
What they thought was your fault they find out wasn't but they don't want to take the responsibility so they get angry & take it out on there spouse or ex.
Not sure if that is true but I wonder about it sometimes.
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