Before I start the post, I have to say how sad and deeply disappointing it was to read posts in this and The Other Man/Woman forums. How do so many people end up cheating, and for so long? How do so many people delude themselves and how can they rationalize what they do as anything other than a choice to actively engage in one of the most horrible betrayals in life?
Anyway, to the purpose of the post. I have a friend, married 10 years, says she loves her husband and he is her best friend but he is not interested in her physically as often as she would like.
She met a married guy at a sales conference, thought he was amazing (he is successful, good looking and looked at her like he desired her) they had a passionate one night thing at the hotel then returned home.
The guy from the conference texts her a couple of times then nothing for 4 months. She is depressed about this and has another one nighter while drunk at a party with a family friend.
The other night she gets drunk, texts the guy from the conference, he responds saying he is at a conference near her in a month and suggests they hook up.
She calls me, tells me everything that has happened. I tell her that what she has done is incredibly wrong, that she is betraying a good man and helping a player betray his wife. I say that she needs to forget about this guy and fix or kill her marriage. She agrees, accepts that she was wrong but then says she is still going to go see this guy (supposedly at the hotel he is at for 3 days) to understand what happened and get closure.
Am I being dumb in thinking this is BS? This guy made her feel special ('incredible' was the word used) and it seems to me that if she really thought he was a player she would not meet up with him.
So my question is - Has anyone been in a similar position and felt the need to physically see the person to 'get closure' or is she more likely going for a last feel good shag before deciding what to do?
She is going to the hotel to take advantage of the fact they can have alone time. No two ways about it. She isn't done and she won't walk away to save her marriage - not right now anyway.
To your first point, people end up cheating because they are unhappy in the situation they are in with the person they are in it with. Its there chioce and if here is the only place that they can get the stuff off there chests then so be it i guess, although I do disagree with being unfaithful.
__________________ We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins (1936)
I think she is on the brink of getting involved. She is at the questioning stage. Direct her to the OW/OM & infidelity forums here. She needs to read all the heartbreak. If she still wants to go after that, you can bet it's not for closure. Quite the opposite.
I understand how she feels. She must want to know what it means to feel so freshly enamoured. She is probably wondering if it means she should leave her H. (I have been there). When I was on the brink, I wish every last person I told had talked it straight and told me not to go there. But I was 'in love' and many people had a respect for that.
This behaviour will resolve nothing. Does she seem in crisis?
Also, the one night stand while drunk is an indication that she is 'losing it' big time. She needs IC. And when she's feeling settled, MC for the physical problems in her M.
I have read so many posters who say they wish they had found LS before they started anything. There's still time for her.
she's going for a shag.
she was excited about the prospect before she called you about it. Dont think that your reasoning is going to cancel out her desires to be fulfilled by this man.
She's in control of what she does, you can't do anything to stop her, other than advise her.
if she feels you are so dead set against it, she may just end up lying to you about it, because she doesnt want to feel judged by you.
__________________
I love life because what more is there? - Anthony Hopkins
She's lying to you and pacifying you.
Do her a favour.
Suggest to her that you turn up at the hotel with her, to support her.
See how quickly she turns on you....
Do you feel strongly enough about it to threaten to tell her husband?
How good a friend is HE to you?
Does he have a medical condition, like prostate problems, or diabetes, perhaps?
This is bigger than you think.
.
__________________ There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.
" A cross between a new age Buddhist Monk and Xena the Warrior Princess" GrayClouds.Caliguy's No Contact Guide.
Having to get closure in person? No...she could do that by having NO CONTACT...that is the ultimate closure...making somebody insignificant
Closure (especially in person) is fleeting at best in my opinion. Its an excuse for contact. Its like a bad movie where you can just hear the cheesy Lifetime Movie of The Week music in the background
You friend is playing with fire. at any rate, for her to call you and give you all of these details sounds like someone who relishes this low drama.
Wow, what a pickle to be in...If it were me I wouldnt care how good a friend she is...Id bust her cold to her hubby.
My Ex GF tried this whole closure thing on me when she was messing around and got busted. After she used the list of excuses "You are not around enough" and "I could not tell you how I really felt" Her biggest hit on that album when I asked her how she didn't think Id catch her and what the hell was she thinking was the time honored "He just got to me". I can chuckle about it now a little bit after a couple of years but when that rolled off her tongue my face mottled up in about three shades of purple and red with rage.
I told her to get all the closure she wanted, because she would return to an empty apartment. she went to get that closure and I packed up while she was gone and drove 1000 miles back to Illinois
Anyway, to the purpose of the post. I have a friend, married 10 years, says she loves her husband and he is her best friend but he is not interested in her physically as often as she would like.
Um end the marriage or get a battery operated boyfriend. You have a few choices: 1. support her 2. tell her you don't agree 3. tell her husband 4. do nothing
She agrees, accepts that she was wrong but then says she is still going to go see this guy (supposedly at the hotel he is at for 3 days) to understand what happened and get closure.
Haha. I've never heard it called that before.
She confided because she hoped you would be supportive, but you were right not to be. So now she has to mask her base desire to get an exciting **** with BS about closure and understanding. What she definitely didn't do is listen to you and change her mind, so if you want to keep her as a friend I'd suggest saying you think what she is doing is wrong and you'd rather not know about it.
Yeah, offer to be there with her when she "ends it", for emotional support. See how far that goes? I can hear her stuttering and stammering for words already.
It's pretty simple Jim, are you going to condone and enable her behavior, which she's admitted is wrong, or are you going to be a true friend and help her end it. One thing though, you may have to be willing to damage or destory your friendship in order for her to do what is right. To sacrifice that for you friend shows what a TRUE FRIEND you truly are.
I've been in your shoes, here's what I did:
I gave my friend several choices:
1. end all contact, commit to working on fixing your marriage, and I will be there with you step by step.
2. end your marriage, tell your husband why, then set him free. I do not agree with this, I will still be your friend, but our friendship will never be the same.
3. Do nothing and continue the A and lies. If you choose this, I can no longer be your friend, and I will do the right thing and tell your S what you've been doing. It is not fair to him, and not fair to you.
One caviote in your case, if you friend balks at having you there when she "ends it", I would tell her if she meets with the OM alone, you are going tell her husband everything.
It's not about doing what's popular, it's about doing what's right. I think you agree her husband deserves to know what's been going on. If your husband was involved in something like this, I think you would want to know.
IMO I think the tough love approach is warranted at this time. This is the only thing that's gonna snap your friend out of it. If she meets the OM alone, this WILL NOT END, it will go on, and nothing will be accomplished.
The other night she gets drunk, texts the guy from the conference, he responds saying he is at a conference near her in a month and suggests they hook up.
yup, he has found himself an easy hookup with no strings.
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She calls me, tells me everything that has happened. I tell her that what she has done is incredibly wrong, that she is betraying a good man and helping a player betray his wife.
a player he is, but don't think your friend is any different.
Quote:
I say that she needs to forget about this guy and fix or kill her marriage. She agrees, accepts that she was wrong but then says she is still going to go see this guy (supposedly at the hotel he is at for 3 days) to understand what happened and get closure.
Am I being dumb in thinking this is BS? This guy made her feel special ('incredible' was the word used) and it seems to me that if she really thought he was a player she would not meet up with him.
of course he made her feel special. he wanted in her pants. and he doesn't have all the baggage with your friend that comes with being her husband.
besides, apparently being "special" isn't a major concern if she had another one nighter with another guy. seems she just wants other guys.
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So my question is - Has anyone been in a similar position and felt the need to physically see the person to 'get closure' or is she more likely going for a last feel good shag before deciding what to do?
closure for her is a lie. she just wants to #### him again. her husband needs to know what is going on....otherwise she'll just keep having one nighters, and her husband won't have the freedom and right of knowledge to decide how his life turns out.
see what she says by telling her, "you need to tell your husband...if you don't, I will"
She calls me, tells me everything that has happened. I tell her that what she has done is incredibly wrong, that she is betraying a good man and helping a player betray his wife. I say that she needs to forget about this guy and fix or kill her marriage. She agrees, accepts that she was wrong but then says she is still going to go see this guy (supposedly at the hotel he is at for 3 days) to understand what happened and get closure.
Why is she telling you all her junk?
Stupid people will always do, what stupid people do. At the end of the day what are you going to do? Tell the husband?
OK. As someone who has cheated maybe I can shed some light into her cognitive distortions. Yeah a part of her wants to get closure. However, if she were honest with herself, she would see that she just really wants to be around him...no matter what. She will sleep with him, then she will feel horrible, and in a few months he will come back for another pit stop.
Her self esteem is in the tank and he is praying on that. Feeding her what she wants to hear. Her talking to you is a cry for help. A part of her wants you to do something to end it....or else she would maintain the secrecy of the whole thing. She is on the path to becoming a serial cheater...and in for a world of self loathing and shame.
If I were you...I would encourage her to seek some professional help. Tell her that you feel that she is reaching out to you because she wants to stop...but doesn't know how. Recommend that she go to therapy. That she stop. She is truly at the crossroads, this identity crisis could literally destroy her...trust me...I know.
__________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. -Rumi
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