No way. He's a wonderful man.
Not applicable.
Not applicable.
Since I didn't settle, no way. I'm not a grass is greener type of person.
I've never settled.
TBF, what is your husband like? Shy? Quiet? Slightly overweight?
TBF, what is your husband like? Shy? Quiet? Slightly overweight?
No, he's not shy, quiet or overweight. More like confident, intelligent, great sense of humour and fit. He's very much a de-escalator, rock solid internally and unafraid to speak his mind. He can also be impatient and a little insensitive, albeit the insensitivity portion suits me, since I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings or ego/pride.
The best thing about him, is his integrity.
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ETA for "Bump" June 8, 2010!
Gestating in a life-satisfying way.
No, he's not shy, quiet or overweight. More like confident, intelligent, great sense of humour and fit. He's very much a de-escalator, rock solid internally and unafraid to speak his mind. He can also be impatient and a little insensitive, albeit the insensitivity portion suits me, since I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings or ego/pride.
The best thing about him, is his integrity.
Sounds like a great catch TBF And I agree, a guy who can take a slight blow to his ego is sometimes better because you can be more open and honest to him without worrying about him having a hissy fit about something you've said.
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I came into this world with nothing, and I leave this world with nothing but love...Everything else is just borrowed. - The Streets
Sounds like a great catch TBF And I agree, a guy who can take a slight blow to his ego is sometimes better because you can be more open and honest to him without worrying about him having a hissy fit about something you've said.
It's less about him being a catch and more about compatibility.
He came from a similar background as myself, in the way we were raised. This resulted in similar core values and also, similar styles within relationships. This is by far, the easiest relationship I've ever been in, in that his and my actions are intuitive. We speak a similar language of love and appreciation so it's not a daily struggle, to make things work.
Once again, neither one of us is perfect or close to it. What we are, are two individuals who are very similar but with some complementary character traits of which one is, that he's a de-escalator. I'm stubborn and opinionated but when he goes into de-escalation, it forces me to be a mature adult and sheath my claws and fangs. He understands how to push my positive triggers, which is generally the way he acts with people in general. That's why he's such an effective win-win style negotiator, in his career. Having said that, he's also good at drawing blood, if it comes down to a head-to-head. And yes, I've felt it before and yes, I've also drawn blood too.
With all this in mind, I'm so glad that I didn't settle, even though there were opportunities to do so. I do strongly encourage people not to settle, within reason. Once you settle, your perspectives are all wrong, in that you'll always feel like there's something better out there aka grass is greener. If you view your partner as the cat's meow, whatever his character traits, you're going to remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage, unless you're the self-entitled type.
Last edited by threebyfate; 5th November 2009 at 3:06 PM..
Do you feel you've lowered your standards and/or settled on your current significant other? By "lowering standards" and "settling" I mean that you feel as though you could do better, or that you deserve better, but, for whatever reason, decided to settle for your significant other rather than to wait to find genuine happiness with your "true love"?
If you have settled, why have you done so, and are you are happy/content in the relationship viz. would you do it again? Finally, if you have settled on your significant other, would you end the relationship if you found someone else whom you felt could better meet your original standards?
Also, if you haven't currently settled for anyone: would you settle and, if so, why?
Are you just stimulating debate, or are you having a more personal issue?
Are you just stimulating debate, or are you having a more personal issue?
Well, I personally I think I have pretty high standards--however, like Sam Spade suggested, I too find that "our preferences evolve as we interact with other people." So, in light of that, I suppose I really don't have so much of a "standard," but rather I generally like a particular person versus some idealized qualitative list.
Though I always love a good debate, I really asked as more of a curiosity. Actually, I was thinking of a person I know who I am fairly certain is in love with a woman from a previous relationship, but is dating someone else. I could be entirely wrong, but I get the impression that he settled for this woman because he's afraid of being alone. So, thinking on this, I decided to get the loveshack community's opinion.
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"Our dad use to murder us in cold blood each night and dance about on our graves singing, 'Alleluia!'" John Cleese in the skit Four Yorkshiremen
Do you feel you've lowered your standards and/or settled on your current significant other? By "lowering standards" and "settling" I mean that you feel as though you could do better, or that you deserve better, but, for whatever reason, decided to settle for your significant other rather than to wait to find genuine happiness with your "true love"?
If you have settled, why have you done so, and are you are happy/content in the relationship viz. would you do it again? Finally, if you have settled on your significant other, would you end the relationship if you found someone else whom you felt could better meet your original standards?
Also, if you haven't currently settled for anyone: would you settle and, if so, why?
I think the question itself is a bit loaded. The fact is there is no settling down without some settling for. No two people are utterly perfect for each other in every way. All relationships require compromise. People need to stop waiting for "the one." The one is a myth. The one is a lie. Don't wait for the one becuase she/he ain't comin'.
Do you feel you've lowered your standards and/or settled on your current significant other? By "lowering standards" and "settling" I mean that you feel as though you could do better, or that you deserve better, but, for whatever reason, decided to settle for your significant other rather than to wait to find genuine happiness with your "true love"?
I don't feel like I've settled for my SO as he makes me extremely happy. If he didn't we wouldn't be together, lol. On the same token I believe that I found the closest thing to my "true love" in my ex so I think finding someone I felt such an intense and passionate love for coupled with this eerie "we get each other" feeling, will be near impossible. As much as I can't stand the bastard, he was probably the closest thing to "true love" and "soulmates" I will ever get.
Quote:
Originally Posted by always_searching
Also, if you haven't currently settled for anyone: would you settle and, if so, why?
I wouldn't settle, did that once before and I was miserable. If I'm not happy and I see no way of improving the situation, then I move on. No good can come of wasting both my time and some other person's time on something that will be dissatisfying to us both in the end.
If you are genuinely in love with your partner then you are not settling. It doesn't matter if he is 4 feet tall, unemployed and lives with his parents. If he makes you truly happy and you are crazy about him, you have found your true love.
Now settling means that for some reason as much as you like your partner or even love them, you are just not "in love". He can be a multi-millionare surgeon and underwear model on the side, if you are not in love: you are settling.
If you are genuinely in love with your partner then you are not settling. It doesn't matter if he is 4 feet tall, unemployed and lives with his parents. If he makes you truly happy and you are crazy about him, you have found your true love.
Now settling means that for some reason as much as you like your partner or even love them, you are just not "in love". He can be a multi-millionare surgeon and underwear model on the side, if you are not in love: you are settling.
Yes. I absolutely agree with you.
My responses have been more in relation to how one found his/her significant other and whether the method he/she used is an indication of "settling," or "having high standards."
I suppose the terminology is too loose, but the question was articulated due to more of a fleeting-intellectual and not a personal interest. So, I didn't take time to thoroughly define what I meant.
Anyway, I agree love is the key. However, whereas some people think love can "grow" out of having a history together (I agree that love does "grow" or diminish with time), I am more inclined to say that we have an initial affective response to a person which may be related to admirable qualities, but not reducible to qualities--I believe in a kind of "love at first sight." However, allow me to qualify by saying that just as this love can further "grow," it can, indeed, also diminish with time. However, I think that dating someone whom you did not having that initial "spark" of interest with is already settling.
Anyway, I agree love is the key. However, whereas some people think love can "grow" out of having a history together (I agree that love does "grow" or diminish with time), I am more inclined to say that we have an initial affective response to a person which may be related to admirable qualities, but not reducible to qualities--I believe in a kind of "love at first sight." However, allow me to qualify by saying that just as this love can further "grow," it can, indeed, also diminish with time. However, I think that dating someone whom you did not having that initial "spark" of interest with is already settling.
Well, love does grow and there is no saying when that spark will happen.
I always loved my bf's smile. I loved his smile even before we started dating. Yet, I wouldn't say there was a spark the first few months we were dating. I was still getting over someone and we were both really busy. But that spark happened in time - while getting to know each other so that now yes, I do have that spark.
With hindsight though, I could say that it was love at first sight since I do remember the first time I met him years ago and how much I loved his smile. Only, for various reason, we only fell in love once we got to know each other.
His smile though: I can be mad at him (like last week) and the minute I see him and he smiles at me all my anger melts. So yeah, that spark does help us move things along.
Anyway, I agree love is the key. However, whereas some people think love can "grow" out of having a history together (I agree that love does "grow" or diminish with time), I am more inclined to say that we have an initial affective response to a person which may be related to admirable qualities, but not reducible to qualities--I believe in a kind of "love at first sight." However, allow me to qualify by saying that just as this love can further "grow," it can, indeed, also diminish with time. However, I think that dating someone whom you did not having that initial "spark" of interest with is already settling.
Your right, this is where we disagree!
I believe that if you don't both put effort into your relationship... that is true settling.
The difference between us is attitude and approach. Your attitude says your going to be the grass is greener type.... my attitude says I'm going to be watering my lawn.
See we all choose what conditions we put on our love. My conditions are solid, while yours are fleeting and ephemeral. If he makes me feel like this, then I will be in love with him. Isn't that how it works for you? Well, he is not always going to make you feel that way... what then?
I believe that if you don't both put effort into your relationship... that is true settling.
The difference between us is attitude and approach. Your attitude says your going to be the grass is greener type.... my attitude says I'm going to be watering my lawn.
See we all choose what conditions we put on our love. My conditions are solid, while yours are fleeting and ephemeral. If he makes me feel like this, then I will be in love with him. Isn't that how it works for you? Well, he is not always going to make you feel that way... what then?
Who or what is to say that he isn't always going to make me feel that way?
Honestly, I'd rather have a year of impassioned love that could potentially fade away--whether I stay in the relationship after the initial romance has faded is a different issue entirely, as it depends upon a number of factors.
Regardless, at least I will be able to say that I experienced all encompassing, all consuming, impassioned, love, versus being content in a friendly companionship that has never had a moments worth of passion. Why bother being in a relationship at all? I have plenty of friends whom I feel fondly toward, but don't have any burning desire for.
I suppose the answer depends upon what you want out of a romantic relationship: content, friendly, philia companionship, or burning, impassioned, eros love?
You choose the former, and I choose the latter. You may have a more contented friendship with your significant other, but I have friends. Though friendship is important and, hopefully, comes about later on in the relationship: I want to experience passionate eros love with my significant other, a-thank-you-very-much.
I don't feel like I've settled for my SO as he makes me extremely happy. If he didn't we wouldn't be together, lol. On the same token I believe that I found the closest thing to my "true love" in my ex so I think finding someone I felt such an intense and passionate love for coupled with this eerie "we get each other" feeling, will be near impossible. As much as I can't stand the bastard, he was probably the closest thing to "true love" and "soulmates" I will ever get.
I don't understand this idea of soulmates.
If I date 10 different women how am I supposed to know which one would be considered a "soulmate". They don't come with labels!
How can your passion for one person be greater than another? That passion comes from YOU, not from anyone else. In fact the amount of passion I feel for someone at any given time depends much more on my circumstances than the other person.
Do you feel you've lowered your standards and/or settled on your current significant other? By "lowering standards" and "settling" I mean that you feel as though you could do better, or that you deserve better, but, for whatever reason, decided to settle for your significant other rather than to wait to find genuine happiness with your "true love"?
If you have settled, why have you done so, and are you are happy/content in the relationship viz. would you do it again?
Yes, I settled. Typical story of a shy, nerdy guy who crashed-and-burned in "nice guy"/doormat fashion a lot. Then out of the blue comes this girl who was actually crazy about me, and even though I wasn't especially attracted to her (weight issues), we got along well and I figured it was probably the best I was going to do. I thought attraction at my end would grow over time. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work that way . . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by always_searching
Finally, if you have settled on your significant other, would you end the relationship if you found someone else whom you felt could better meet your original standards?
Fast-forward 15-20 years to mid-life with young kids: I ask myself that question every day, especially as there is a good candidate for the "someone else". Looking back, I realize that it wasn't the weight that was the problem. It was that I had no idea what I really wanted -- or that that even mattered. A good take-home message to those with "nice guy" tendencies is to start working out your issues before getting into an LTR -- actually attracting a woman can cause bigger problems than not being able to attract them.
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And I agree, a guy who can take a slight blow to his ego is sometimes better because you can be more open and honest to him without worrying about him having a hissy fit about something you've said.
Hybrid Mode
