Thanks for the advice, canadaguy, and everyone else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by canadaguy98
Try some new stuff with your boyfriend, you dont have to jump into another guy's pants to try new and exciting things, and it isnt exclusively your boyfriend's job to read your mind and fulfill your fantasies.
And who knows, if you start doing new and exciting things, youll find your sex life will get much better real fast, the more practice he gets the better he'll peform, and pretty quick he's going to start coming up with his own ideas and you'll find that the passion will return pretty fast.
You dont have to toast a long term relationship just because you've bored yourself. Your man is probably jerking off to porn right now while you're busy on the computer trawling online dating sites wondering what you're missing out on, wishing that he didnt have to because he has a girlfriend that isnt paying much attention to him that he loves sitting right in the other room.
Turn off that computer, go to the bedroom pop on some lingere and get in there and do something you've never done before to him. And tell him you have an even better surprise for him tomorrow provided he comes home on time with some erotic take out food.
Watch how much more interesting your love life gets real quick.
This is one part people never seem to understand. I am NOT attracted to the man anymore. I know it sounds absolutely heartless, but it's true. This makes it very very difficult to want to get all sexy for a man I simply do not want to have sex with. I know I sound like a complete ogre and I am sorry.
I could make love to his brain and amazing personality all day (I know how that sounds, but you know what I mean right?), but physically... nothing. He is a big boy, about 243 pounds (I am about 110), and he has been saying for 5 years that he is going to lose weight but never has. Plus he is not very well endowed. Again I know how harsh and terribly shallow this sounds but I am just being blatantly honest as to the reasons why I feel like I do. No amount of lingerie in the world is going to fix his weight or size.
I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful as him, yet every day I am still with him upsets me.
Lately the age thing has also started to bother me. He will be 44 in a few months (I am 27). We went away to a couple's weekend a few weeks back and I was the only one there under 40. I felt so left out and was going to kill the next person that said "this was before your time, sweetheart". I again thought "this isn't how my life was meant to be".
I still feel like I cannot be myself around him (he is very intimidating. I cannot count the amount of times I have said I am fine when I am not, just to avoid fighting with him), and I thought that maybe that might have something to do with the way I am feeling??? God I wish I knew. Maybe I am just hoping for reasons... I am so screwed up.
Last edited by SecretlySad; 4th November 2009 at 10:16 PM..
I've been through a similar situation as CanadaGuy - someone gave me a load of BS several years into a relationship when the problem was their own unhappiness and insecurity. (I'm guessing this is one of those pretty common near-universals in relationships). So while I agree 100% with the sentiment that you can't rely on another person to make you happy, I think you REALLY NEED TO BREAK UP WITH THIS GUY.
Why?
Because the resentment is only going to build until it eats away at whatever good is left between you two. Some endings are so bad they seem almost retroactive, tainting the genuine connection that once was - and that's just a disservice to the both of you.
But HOW do I say "I love you, but I don't want to be any more than friends" without completely shattering him? Our friendship would be over, there is no doubt. He couldn't bear it.
I DO love the man, despite what anyone else might think, and hurting him - even the thought of hurting him - hurts me. I KNOW I am doing more harm than good just BEING with him at the moment but you know what I mean. Seeing him in pain tears my heart out. Plus, selfishly I will admit, he has a very nasty side, especially when he is hurt. I am worried about him making my life unbearable, especially because we live together.
But HOW do I say "I love you, but I don't want to be any more than friends" without completely shattering him? Our friendship would be over, there is no doubt. He couldn't bear it.
I DO love the man, despite what anyone else might think, and hurting him - even the thought of hurting him - hurts me. I KNOW I am doing more harm than good just BEING with him at the moment but you know what I mean. Seeing him in pain tears my heart out. Plus, selfishly I will admit, he has a very nasty side, especially when he is hurt. I am worried about him making my life unbearable, especially because we live together.
Okay, now the facts are finally starting to emerge. Let me guess, moving out is not an option because he's paying the mortgage/rent?
Oh no no I pay my way. We go halves in everything, and I pay my share of the rent. This isn't about me being left with nowhere to go or losing my financial stability, I just know him and his nasty streak.
He would go out of his way to play with my feelings to hurt me as I have hurt him. He is one of those people who is sweet as pie until he is crossed, then Mr Hyde comes out.
I went through a bad breakup with an ex and it drove me to severe depression, I don't think I could handle it all over again. I am scared.
Last edited by SecretlySad; 4th November 2009 at 11:21 PM..
Oh no no I pay my way. We go halves in everything, and I pay my share of the rent. This isn't about me being left with nowhere to go or losing my financial stability, I just know him and his nasty streak.
He would go out of his way to play with my feelings to hurt me as I have hurt him. He is one of those people who is sweet as pie until he is crossed, then Mr Hyde comes out.
So the guy with the 'heart of gold' is going to turn into a nasty/vindictive ex if you leave him? And you're only staying with him because you're afraid of his 'revenge'? This story is getting more and more bizarre....
I don't know what kind of advice I am seeking... maybe I have already made my decision but I just want to say/type it out loud. I don't know.
Maybe I am trying to figure out why I want to leave a good man. Maybe I have been completely blinded by him for the past 5 years, I chose to forget all the bad times and focus on the good, when I know some of the bad, I should never have put up with. Maybe I am trying to figure out why suddenly I have absolutely zero self esteem.
I have no idea... but thank you for listening to me anyway.
I DO love the man, despite what anyone else might think, and hurting him - even the thought of hurting him - hurts me. I KNOW I am doing more harm than good just BEING with him at the moment but you know what I mean. Seeing him in pain tears my heart out. Plus, selfishly I will admit, he has a very nasty side, especially when he is hurt. I am worried about him making my life unbearable, especially because we live together.
Sweetie - he is your best friend. And you are his best friend.
That is what has happened. You don't see him as an attractive man in the physical sense but you love him. It is a friendship you can trust in and cherish. But you aren't IN LOVE with this man.
You are in a very tough situation and not one person in it is in the wrong in any way. Neither of you are doing intentional harm to the other or the relationship.
Putting myself in your shoes, if I was just coming to this realization in my relationship I'd be wrestling in a lot of directions with what to do let alone HOW to do it.
Maybe the others have some advice. I am trying to wrap my head around it. As of yet I'm understanding the advice of ending it but I also feel that pain of having to hurt your best friend in the world and at the same time losing that friend.
I don't know what kind of advice I am seeking... maybe I have already made my decision but I just want to say/type it out loud. I don't know.
Maybe I am trying to figure out why I want to leave a good man. Maybe I have been completely blinded by him for the past 5 years, I chose to forget all the bad times and focus on the good, when I know some of the bad, I should never have put up with. Maybe I am trying to figure out why suddenly I have absolutely zero self esteem.
The bottom line is that you're not attracted to him any longer. It's time to move on with your life.
I know, Johnny. I am REALLY struggling to come to terms with it because I would do anything for it NOT to be that way, but I do know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Island Girl
As of yet I'm understanding the advice of ending it but I also feel that pain of having to hurt your best friend in the world and at the same time losing that friend.
Hi Islandgirl, thanks for replying.
I am so glad you understand. This is what is so hard for me. He IS my best friend. The one person I can truly trust and go to when things are bad. Losing that would be like losing a piece of myself, but staying knowing I am not entirely satisfied is even more painful. I am so confused. Some (not in here) say "good men are hard to come by - stick with him", some say "never settle for anything less than everything". Leave, and risk never being loved like this again, or stay, and live a life of hidden pain?
I think Johnny is pretty on the money here.... This thread has kinda morphed into a bizarre revealing of (important) facts that weren't present in your original post... and this isn't as difficult as you may think! Trust me, this is one of those situations where you need to try and look at the bigger picture. I know you've been with him for 5 years... and in that time you've developed a bond with him (naturally) and you do care for him a lot! But lets look at the facts:
- You are not attracted to him. It doesn't look like he's going to put in any effort to lose weight, and unfortunately you cant lengthen his penis.
- One of your reasons for staying with him is because you are fearing that he'll make your life MISERABLE after the break up.
As for that second one, why wouldnt you just move out immediately after? What you need to do is get serious about what you want. From your posts it looks like you are just delaying the inevitable and you really WANT to break up with him. Your options are: Break up with him and finally get started on finding a guy you ARE in love with and attracted to, or you can continue staying with this current guy who you don't want to have sex with ever again.....
Seriously girl... just do it and stop convincing yourself that you'll never find anyone better... because you WILL even if you dont believe that right now.
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