My wife of 31 years admitted an affair that occurred about 20 years ago. We had attended church one Sunday and the sermon moved her to come clean. She has been forthcoming to my questions but somewhat vague in her answers. such as,
How long? How many times did you meet? (It was her boss and he would ask one of the 3 women in the office to accompany him on business trips (a couple of hours at the time) which were justified due to the type of business he was in.. My wife has said he had business to conduct outside the office 1-2 days per week. She said they had sex every time she went out with him. They had sex in our car, our house, his house along country roads and met in Hotels. She said she gave in to him because he flattered her and made her feel special she was never in love with him. She said the may had been together maybe 12 times in a 1 - 11/2 year affair. I'm having trouble believing that it didn't happen more than 12 times. She has said she broke things off with him and has been faithful since. Will I ever know???
I will ask you something.. and be honest.. (only you can be honest with yourself I know that... and you probably wouldn't admit it anyway.. but)... have you ever cheated on her... be honest!
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If your marriage is in cardiac arrest, an affair can be a defibrillator.' - Mira Kirshenbaum
I will ask you something.. and be honest.. (only you can be honest with yourself I know that... and you probably wouldn't admit it anyway.. but)... have you ever cheated on her... be honest!
if he never has, he might be thinking about it now.
CIK, I think that a lot of people got that implication, but I don't think that was, what was meant. You don't loose your "man-hood", by forgiving a cheater, you loose it, if you accept a "continuing", cheater. As I have said, we nor the OP really know how many times this woman has cheated, and really have no way of trusting her words, even now. Those posters who praise her for admitting the affair, conveniently forget that she lied for 20 years. 20 years of deceit would be impossible for me to forgive.
<<This is an interesting thread, and I gotta say, Dexter is consistently the voice of reason when it comes to the subject of cheating. He iunderstands the concept of having the self-respect and power to walk away from someone who has disrespected you.>>
Nonsense...Dexter is the last person I would seek advice from in matters of infidelity. He is the least objective poster on here. In his view, if you cheat that is your very definition thereafter...doesn't matter what good you may have performed before or after you will forever be a low-down, scum-sucking, no-good-for-nothing CHEATER. That's hardly the voice of reason. The voice of bitterness maybe.
<<Don't let the haters and shamers call you "cynical" (classic shaming word) for being true to yourself. I recommend you drop your wife and find some young tail. You can forgive her on your own time, in your own heart, but that doesn't mean she deserves your partnership. She blew it.>>
The "haters and shamers"???? Who is more hateful and about shaming someone than the posters who 1) Accuse the WS of lying despite having never met the person. 2) Urge the BS to "kick 'em to the curb" despite all variables and / or underlying factors. 3) Suggest that NOT kicking them to the curb is some sort of weakness of character. 4) Use graphic language in describing what transpired for no better reason than to enflame.
Dexter is, who he is, and can take care of himself. But you Schewter are just as quick to forgive, without proof , as Dexter is to condemn , again, without proof.. You counsel forgiveness, yet you do not know if the OP is willing or able to, nor do any of us. You are assuming that now the wife is being honest and yet you have no proof of this, nor do any of us. The OP needs to know all of the facts, in order to decide, FOR HIMSELF, whether forgiveness, or divorce is the answer that best suits his situation. Venting your spleen against Dexter or Dexter venting his spleen against you, does the OP no good at all.
Dexter is, who he is, and can take care of himself. But you Schewter are just as quick to forgive, without proof , as Dexter is to condemn , again, without proof.. You counsel forgiveness, yet you do not know if the OP is willing or able to, nor do any of us. You are assuming that now the wife is being honest and yet you have no proof of this, nor do any of us. The OP needs to know all of the facts, in order to decide, FOR HIMSELF, whether forgiveness, or divorce is the answer that best suits his situation. Venting your spleen against Dexter or Dexter venting his spleen against you, does the OP no good at all.
No Boldjack...what I do is take what OPs post at face value. The assumptions begin when people suggest that all is not as it appears. So until OP comes back and says their WS was lying or not being completely honest I will believe things are exactly as they have been related. Good example occurs whenever someone posts a story about their spouse having an EA...not long before people start suggesting or downright stating that it was a PA with absolutely no evidence.
Snowflower, It does take a strong person to forgive, but it takes a fool to forgive, without the cheater showing true remorse and absolute committment to honesty. Why do you assume that she is worth keeping? You , nor do any of us, know the full extent of her dishonesty and adultery. Forgiveness is only one of many options that the OP can choose from. But nothing can be done and no choices can be made until the OP is aware of the full extent of her treachery, and can make a fully informed decision.
Snowflower, It does take a strong person to forgive, but it takes a fool to forgive, without the cheater showing true remorse and absolute committment to honesty. Why do you assume that she is worth keeping? You , nor do any of us, know the full extent of her dishonesty and adultery. Forgiveness is only one of many options that the OP can choose from. But nothing can be done and no choices can be made until the OP is aware of the full extent of her treachery, and can make a fully informed decision.
Good question...the bolded part above.
I'm responding to what the OP wrote in his post originally...it happened 20 years ago. I am going to assume unless the OP tells us differently, that his wife was a faithful woman for the ensuing 20 years. No one here knows for sure, but that was the gist of the OPs responses here.
I personally think that is worth something...if in fact it was true...that the wife was faithful after the fact.
There were a few posters going on about the fact that since she had vandalized her APs vehicle, that there must have been some emotional attachment on her part. I say, who cares...it was 20 years ago...she obviously feels something different all these years or she would have left her husband or continued cheating (assuming that she was faithful ever since).
The assumptions made here were terrible (she is getting ready to cheat again, she must have enjoyed what she did with the other guy) and that is what I have a problem with. I agree that the OP shouldn't forgive without more facts and probably some MC/IC...but it wasn't like this cheating occurred last week either. It was a long time ago...not that it mitigates things or the seriousness of what the wife did...but a lot of things change in 20 years. The current marriage is what needs to be assessed here.
The "haters and shamers"???? Who is more hateful and about shaming someone than the posters who 1) Accuse the WS of lying despite having never met the person. 2) Urge the BS to "kick 'em to the curb" despite all variables and / or underlying factors. 3) Suggest that NOT kicking them to the curb is some sort of weakness of character. 4) Use graphic language in describing what transpired for no better reason than to enflame.
There is very little support for a BS who has just found out about their spouse's infidelity. So I call total BS (bulls---) that certain posters are trying to help. I found that out the hard way...
I was told by many posters (not all) that my husband was still lying and continuing his affair (my husband's lies were few during his affair-he shut down and retreated into his own shell) and was still gaslighting me (he never did this). Like anyone here knew my situation?
Then the graphic language...I remember a couple of posters here (one has since left, the other is still here very regularly) had fun with the word they coined 'sha-boink' in reference to my husband's affair (it was my thread-the only thread I have ever started). They were poking fun at my expense and pain-big time!
I was strong enough to ignore the flaming posts (and the pain the caused) and dig out the good advice. I knew myself, my husband, my marriage and my situation. But I do worry about those who post here who are unfamiliar with what goes on here...like the OP of this thread (who hasn't been back, I might add).
<<This is an interesting thread, and I gotta say, Dexter is consistently the voice of reason when it comes to the subject of cheating. He iunderstands the concept of having the self-respect and power to walk away from someone who has disrespected you.>>
Nonsense...Dexter is the last person I would seek advice from in matters of infidelity..
oh, *sniff*...I'm crushed. I'll need to pop some Sominex tonight.
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