[Bryanp]

She was screwing him in your home while you were at work? This shows utter disrespect and humiliation toward you and your marriage. You really have to have such total disgust for your spouse to bring someone to your home behind their back this way.. How nice that she was screwing her boss in your car and in your home anytime he wanted to screw her. It is unbelievable her lack of morals and respect for you.
I also agree with the other posters pertaining to the break up . She did not break up with him. He broke up with her which in turn resulted in her being angry and messing with his car. Why would she do this if she was the one breaking up with him?...The answer is she obviously would not. Talk about being the total doorprize. She keeps it from you while she was putting your health at risk for STD's and not bothering to tell you she was screwing her boss in your home. The chances are pretty good that she was screwing him in the afternoon and screwing you the same evening. How special is that? I feel so sorry for you. I would not believe anything she says at this point. If she felt so guilty how come she admitted screwing him a minimum of 12 times. I seriously doubt you have the full story. She has made a fool out of you and made your marriage a joke.

[schewter]

Glad you came by? For all this "objective" advice and opinion? 31 years is a long time to be with somebody...do you think her goodness through the years counter-balances this betrayal? Worth thinking about.

[seibert253]

IMO the number of times they had sex is a secondary issue. The fact she hid and lied about this for so long, that may be the back breaker. For me, I don't know if I'd ever believe her about anything, ever again. Obviously the guilt wasn't that strong. She was able to lie and tuck this away for 20 years.

I think you have to exam the state of the marriage after the affair ended, how it was prior to d day, the level of her remorse, and what's she's doing to make this right.

IMO you need to weigh all of these prior to making any decisions to try and repair this, or cut your loss and exit, stage left. Take your time. In the intern MC and IC for both of you is a must.

[2sunny]

Originally Posted by Bryanp

She was screwing him in your home while you were at work? This shows utter disrespect and humiliation toward you and your marriage. You really have to have such total disgust for your spouse to bring someone to your home behind their back this way.. How nice that she was screwing her boss in your car and in your home anytime he wanted to screw her. It is unbelievable her lack of morals and respect for you.
I also agree with the other posters pertaining to the break up . She did not break up with him. He broke up with her which in turn resulted in her being angry and messing with his car. Why would she do this if she was the one breaking up with him?...The answer is she obviously would not. Talk about being the total doorprize. She keeps it from you while she was putting your health at risk for STD's and not bothering to tell you she was screwing her boss in your home. The chances are pretty good that she was screwing him in the afternoon and screwing you the same evening. How special is that? I feel so sorry for you. I would not believe anything she says at this point. If she felt so guilty how come she admitted screwing him a minimum of 12 times. I seriously doubt you have the full story. She has made a fool out of you and made your marriage a joke.

i agree with this and wonder why you would stay and be so accepting of her devotion to you and the M. how can you take her word for anything?

she obviously kept a huge truth from you for many years, then hurt you deeply by unloading HER truth onto you to relieve HER own guilt (how nice of her, eh?) did she consider your feelings in all of this? i doubt it - as she had sex in your home, car etc.

her unwillingness to answer questions (ANY questions) you may have - is an indication that she's hiding more than she wants to tell you. if she's not willing to tell EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, the M most likely will never again get on solid ground. your commitment and trust level is built on her half truths and false information - therefore, how can it be repaired to a healthy state? it's like building something on quicksand.

have you gone to counseling? what has she done to repair her actions to you? she certainly hasn't given you the truth and that is a huge indicator that she hasn't tried very hard to make this right.

the fact that she smashed his car indicates hostility. he probably broke it off with her and she got angry. is she a hostile woman? i am seeing a pattern here... yikes. either way she probably didn't intend for it to end when it did. she pretended all these years to be happy with you and smile to your face while living a lie at the same time? i would have huge questions that i would NEED honest answers to.

if she's not willing to be honest and to set things right for your peace of mind - i don't know how you could look at her without disgust. she is a sham all the way around at the moment and just expects you to stand there, smile and take it.

what do you plan to do about this... it seems her getting rid of her own guilt has dumped a huge pile of poo on you and she just expects that you will
either:

a) overlook it
b) just take it and pretend it's not poo
c) not wonder enough to care
d) hope that you think she's that great that you don't deserve any answers from her.

what is it you plan to do now?

[Mr. Lucky]

Originally Posted by schewter

Glad you came by? For all this "objective" advice and opinion? 31 years is a long time to be with somebody...do you think her goodness through the years counter-balances this betrayal? Worth thinking about.

Would your advice be the same if the cheating was recent rather than long ago? She's really deceived him twice - once when she cheated and a second time when she witheld the truth for the next 20 years. He doesn't have the same options he might have had two decades ago...

Mr. Lucky

[schewter]

<<Would your advice be the same if the cheating was recent rather than long ago? She's really deceived him twice - once when she cheated and a second time when she witheld the truth for the next 20 years. He doesn't have the same options he might have had two decades ago...>>

Hard to say...I think you have to look at everything a person has been and has meant to you throughout the years. Some on here are so all-or-nothing in their views it wouldn't matter if the WS was voted wife of the year 30 out of 31 years and gave the guy a kidney...there'd still be no redemption.

[seibert253]

I think for me, I'd rather know right after it happened. If my W hid it and lied for X number of years, this would show a level of deception I do not think I would be able to overcome. I my mind, my marriage would have been based upon lies and deceipt. I don't think I could overcome that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Originally Posted by schewter

Hard to say...I think you have to look at everything a person has been and has meant to you throughout the years. Some on here are so all-or-nothing in their views it wouldn't matter if the WS was voted wife of the year 30 out of 31 years and gave the guy a kidney...there'd still be no redemption.

I agree that for many here cheating is a deal-breaker regardless of past history. Interesting that many that feel that way are those that have been married to a WS. Maybe they've learned a lesson only experience can teach...

Mr. Lucky

[FreezorBurn]

Originally Posted by Gabriele

So what has your marriage looked like the past 20 years??

Exactly,

You are in a diff situation then most, 20 years have past. How has your life been with her within the 20 years and right Now is the question. I say show her how much you are hurt, Learn from this and make your relationship better.

Life is too short and your a mature older person? Can you deal with being alone now? You believe you have a good women hat strayed 20 years ago. Given the TIME factor, I'd say try and keep it together.

[Dexter Morgan]

Originally Posted by mark982

something isn't adding up. she ended the affair because of guilt(as she says) that means she wanted out of the affair. then why would she damage his car? seems like a lie here to me. dig some more.

ya, thats why I think he dumped her and she would have continued the affair if it had not been for that.

and funny how she cheats, yet feels the other guy deserves to have his car damaged. so what does she think she herself deserves?

[Dexter Morgan]

Originally Posted by schewter

Hard to say...I think you have to look at everything a person has been and has meant to you throughout the years. Some on here are so all-or-nothing in their views it wouldn't matter if the WS was voted wife of the year 30 out of 31 years and gave the guy a kidney...there'd still be no redemption.

oh I dunno....if she gave him a kidney, that would have to give her some points and be worth something

[confusedinkansas]

Originally Posted by schewter

Glad you came by? For all this "objective" advice and opinion? 31 years is a long time to be with somebody...do you think her goodness through the years counter-balances this betrayal? Worth thinking about.

EXACTLY! BS' automatically think you should LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
I've been married almost as long as you have & you most definitely have a lot of things to consider.

In your questioning her.....(you are obviously church goers) I was just watching a show yesterday morning Beth Moore was talking with a room of women & she said "There are things in our lives that only GOD needs to know & can handle" She did not say you shouldn't tell things like this - but omitting some of the "nastier" details - because we are human & there's only so much we can endure. There is a thing called TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Be careful how much you're asking since so many years have passed. (I personally would not be able to remember details that long ago, she may not be able to remember them either)
She did however say that, "If you find these things out - that may be too much for you to bare, then God will help you to deal with them"

Think about your marriage in the last 20 years - How have things been?

Only you truly know your wife.

I am a WS & I do not believe in "Once A Cheater" philosophy as many here do. I think marriages can be repaired after something like this happens.

[schewter]

<<I agree that for many here cheating is a deal-breaker regardless of past history. Interesting that many that feel that way are those that have been married to a WS. Maybe they've learned a lesson only experience can teach...
Mr. Lucky>>

I'm a BS...I just see more grey in the world than black and white.We're all wired differently and what's right for some may not neccessarily be right for others. I didn't suggest this gentleman not be angry with his wife...nor did I suggest he forgive her and let the past be the past...I just said 31 years of marriage was worth considering when sorting one's feelings and weighing one's options.
I agree that for many here cheating is a deal-breaker regardless of past history. Interesting that many that feel that way are those that have been married to a WS. Maybe they've learned a lesson only experience can teach...

Mr. Lucky
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[Snowflower]

Originally Posted by schewter

<<I agree that for many here cheating is a deal-breaker regardless of past history. Interesting that many that feel that way are those that have been married to a WS. Maybe they've learned a lesson only experience can teach...
Mr. Lucky>>

I'm a BS...I just see more grey in the world than black and white.We're all wired differently and what's right for some may not neccessarily be right for others. I didn't suggest this gentleman not be angry with his wife...nor did I suggest he forgive her and let the past be the past...I just said 31 years of marriage was worth considering when sorting one's feelings and weighing one's options.

I am also a BS married (obviously) to fWS and I also see more gray in my world than black and white.

Trust me, my husband's infidelity taught me some harsh lessons which are gained only by this awful experience...but even through that ordeal, I still see differences in cheating scenarios...none of them are right but none are black and white either.

In this case though, a veritable lifetime has passed since the OPs wife cheated on him...20 years...that is longer than many marriages last even if there was no cheating. And heck, even my marriage hasn't reached the 20 year mark yet. People change over that period of time and no matter what, the OP cannot go back and change the past. Deal with the present and go from there rather than wishing for what could have happened 20 years ago.

I'm not advocating the OP 'forget' what happened 20 years ago but honestly, the 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' is pointless after all this time. Deal with the reality of the marriage now and how it has been for the 31 years you have been together.

[metalsman]

"oh I dunno....if she gave him a kidney, that would have to give her some points and be worth something "

I reckon this might be good for her to give up and prove her validation for him...then he ought to cook it in front of her and eat it!!