I have been talking, well e-mailing, this girl I met online for a couple of weeks now. After the third e-mail I suggested we talk over the phone. She agreed. Its now two weeks later and we are still e-mailing back and forth. Asked again on Monday how she felt in talking over the phone and/or setting up a meet. Gave her two coffee houses (one and indie and the other a Starbucks). They are about 15 miles away from where she lives. About 20 miles from me. Thought it was a fair place. E-mails me back and says We should meet up this weekend; preferably Saturday night.). Says she, her mother, and sister are all taking care of her father (he's going through kemo for prostate cancer.); as she says meeting in person is much better than over the phone or something).
Few of issues. 1) I am assuming she wants me to go over to her town instead of meeting somewhere in the middle; which is what I normally do. 2) Is it strange to meet before talking over the phone? 3) Already have plans for Saturday night. 4) Have another girl I am talking to (on the phone) today which may also end up in meeting somewhere for coffee.
Or is this talking before meeting not a good thing generally?
When you mentioned talking on the phone, did she give you her number?
Also, it sounds like she doesnt really give you solid answers, or other times that she could meet up. Sounds like she just gives you excuses, and keeps talking over email.
Honestly, Id chalk this up as little or no interest on her part. She probably just likes the attention she gets, but either isnt looking to really date or has other people on her plate. If it was important enough, she would figure something out, and driving to meet you in the middle is pretty reasonable.
Stick with the girl who actually talks to you on the phone and gives solid answers when you ask to hang out. You dont seem to be making progress with the other girl.
Gave her mine, and she replied with her direct e-mail. Not really dodging me, as she replies to all e-mails pretty fast. She suggested to meetup Saturday evening in lieu of talking over the phone. Do people go to coffee shops in the evening? Then there is the issue of location. Seems she thinks 15 miles is far away. Considering I live 35 miles away.
I've done the meet before talking on the phone thing. I don't like talking on the phone (especially to someone I've never met in person), so that was okay with me. I can only think of two problems: 1. it takes longer to set something up via email (which I'm sure you've realized) and 2. you can't hear what the person's voice is like before meeting (which could be a problem if they have an annoying voice).
As far as whether she's interested or not, it's tough to tell. I helped my mom take care of my dad when he was going through chemo for pancreatic cancer and it's very emotionally draining. That may be why you're not getting much of a solid response from her or she could not be interested and stringing you along--it's hard to tell.
True. But then why bring up the prostate cancer thing, suggest a meet (on a Saturday night no less), and be on both Match.com and Yahoo! Personals?
See how I am a bit confused. Also, not exactly sure where she wants to meet, as the two places I suggested, about 15 miles from her, seem to be too far (said cause she does not want to be too far away from her father). Should I turn the tables and see what she has in mind? Really do not want a full fledged date at first. A dinner in up here can easily approach 75 bucks. Hence the reasoning to the coffee/tea suggestion.
As I learned in the online thing, a quick phone conversation or IM to set a meet is all you should do. Pop them for the meeting right away if you're actually looking to meet someone. There are tons of girls who have boyfriends or husbands who are just looking for attention, and they will string you along nearly indefinitely with chat, e-mails, IM conversations, whatever.
As Ive found in conversations with literally hundreds of girls in the online thing...
1. The initial talk on IM/phone you should keep to basic questions and answers to find some common ground. It makes no sense to meet a girl who loves rock and roll and heavy metal when you despise it for example. Keep it short and sweet, light and dont get into too many details, or you will burst the bubble and kill the mystery.
2. After the initial talk on IM/phone, everything should be about setting up the meeting. You dont be forceful, you'll freak her out. Just drop ideas casually, like, "want to go for a hike" or "I'm going to see X movie, want to come". The whole romantic dinner thing tends to get their guard up and freak them out anyway. They are afraid they're going to end up in an hour long meal with no escape if they dont like you. Icebreaker first dates like walks in malls, etc. give them an escape route and they can always fake a phone call and 'have to go, sorry".
3. If you keep getting runaround answers, leave them with a plan and move onto the next girl. "Well fire me an e-mail if you want to get together and check out this new ice cream joint at main and fraser. I think you're cute I'd like to meet you in person sometime". The runaround answers can go on forever.
4. When you meet them, try to spot the "checklist chick" right away and cut it short. There are women attracted to online dating because they're looking for Mr. Perfect. They'll get together with Mr. Useless Jerk that they met in person, but online for some reason they'll only accept Mr. Perfect. You can tell by the types of questions they ask you, and how many they have. "So, how long have you been working at that job?", "You must make good money.", and "So what do you think of kids". Unfortunately "Checklist Chick" probably has a checklist that is so unattainable that she's never going to meet anyone perfect anyway. Shes looking for a guy making well over six figures who has tons of time to help raise children and who can take a year off work to go travelling the world by backpack and the cash to fly first class. Forget this one she will just waste your time and drain your wallet.
Source: Been on over 35 dates with girls I met online. Had sex with five of them and got into a relationship with one of them.
I have been talking, well e-mailing, this girl I met online for a couple of weeks now. After the third e-mail I suggested we talk over the phone. She agreed. Its now two weeks later and we are still e-mailing back and forth. Asked again on Monday how she felt in talking over the phone and/or setting up a meet. Gave her two coffee houses (one and indie and the other a Starbucks). They are about 15 miles away from where she lives. About 20 miles from me. Thought it was a fair place. E-mails me back and says We should meet up this weekend; preferably Saturday night.). Says she, her mother, and sister are all taking care of her father (he's going through kemo for prostate cancer.); as she says meeting in person is much better than over the phone or something).
Few of issues. 1) I am assuming she wants me to go over to her town instead of meeting somewhere in the middle; which is what I normally do. 2) Is it strange to meet before talking over the phone? 3) Already have plans for Saturday night. 4) Have another girl I am talking to (on the phone) today which may also end up in meeting somewhere for coffee.
Or is this talking before meeting not a good thing generally?
I've had experiences like this before, here's what I think:
1. After three or four emails are exchanged, numbers should be given if there is a genuine interest. If you have the ability to talk (when you are not at work or with other people) it's a much easier form a communication than typing. Something doesn't add up and usually when something like this has happened in the past it was because they were in a relationship already....beware.
2. No, it isn't necessarily strange but it does get stranger as the emails go on and on and on....without either finally meeting the person or talking to them on the phone.
3. If someone is interested in you, they want to meet you as soon as possible, even if its for five minutes. This new girl sounds like she has potential. I'd forget about the other one for now because she seems indecisive and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
4. With all this being said, she could just be a real shy, sheltered, guarded girl. Is that what you want?
Talking before meeting is ALWAYS a good thing in whatever form it needs to take. However, chasing someone around to get them to meet you somewhere is not a good sign. good luck.
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Last edited by DustySaltus; 4th November 2009 at 5:01 PM..
I have been talking, well e-mailing, this girl I met online for a couple of weeks now. After the third e-mail I suggested we talk over the phone. She agreed. Its now two weeks later and we are still e-mailing back and forth. Asked again on Monday how she felt in talking over the phone and/or setting up a meet. Gave her two coffee houses (one and indie and the other a Starbucks). They are about 15 miles away from where she lives. About 20 miles from me. Thought it was a fair place. E-mails me back and says We should meet up this weekend; preferably Saturday night.). Says she, her mother, and sister are all taking care of her father (he's going through kemo for prostate cancer.); as she says meeting in person is much better than over the phone or something).
Few of issues. 1) I am assuming she wants me to go over to her town instead of meeting somewhere in the middle; which is what I normally do. 2) Is it strange to meet before talking over the phone? 3) Already have plans for Saturday night. 4) Have another girl I am talking to (on the phone) today which may also end up in meeting somewhere for coffee.
Or is this talking before meeting not a good thing generally?
I find it very odd that she won't talk to you on the phone, and she doesn't want to be far from her father, but she wants to meet you in person. That makes no sense.
15 miles is NOT far. AT all. Seriously?
I'm surprised you're not turned off by her agreeing to talk on the phone, but then not following through. That indicates a serious lack of interest.
I think it's ridiculous of her to ask you to go all the way there when she won't even speak to you on the phone first.
I think it's bizarre of her to want to meet you in person, but not to call you at least first. If she's concerned about her privacy, she could call you and block her number very easily.
Don't blow off your plans to try to accommodate this girl. As BCCA stated, she has a very low level of interest.
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Excellent answers here. I'll reiterate that ongoing emails back and forth with resistance to give a phone number is low interest. Cut her. She likes the attention, and that's about it.
You're a smart guy not taking someone you don't know for dinner even if it's $20.00. There are serial daters out there in the game solely to get free food. Going for a coffee is a smart call, so she can pass the interview assuming she shows up on time. That's a biggie in my book.
Has she passed the physical attraction test and vice/versa? Have you both exchanged photos?
I don't think driving that distance is too far even if you're driving the majority. I think 35 drivable miles is a good limit to set for dating someone.
Last, in the beginning of dating someone I never take them out or meet them for that first coffee date on Friday or Saturday. On Friday I disappear until Sunday. Sunday afternoons are okay. Until they ask why I'm not asking them out on weekends they only get Monday through Thursday dates. A woman that never asks this and keeps accepting dates has low interest. This presents a challenge that I've found women love.
Yep, we've exchanged photos. She's a looker. No doubt bout that. I was thinking of opting out of Sat. night and shooting for Sunday morning. If she agrees, then say if something changes right before on while I am on the way, how will I get in touch with you? If she still will not give a number, than I will wish her the best. All I need is to get there and find out she isn't coming on e-mail two hours later. Its a common courtesy.
Yep, we've exchanged photos. She's a looker. No doubt bout that. I was thinking of opting out of Sat. night and shooting for Sunday morning. If she agrees, then say if something changes right before on while I am on the way, how will I get in touch with you? If she still will not give a number, than I will wish her the best. All I need is to get there and find out she isn't coming on e-mail two hours later. Its a common courtesy.
The problem with this idea is that youve already given her your number, so she can say she'll call if something comes up, and still not give you her number.
I'm telling you, she has low interest if she took your number and didnt give you hers back. The way youre going to phrase it makes it look like you know shes hesitating, but youre giving her an out. I would ask her for her number directly, and ask her if shes free Sunday afternoon. Dont beat around the bush and 'trick' her into giving you her number, if she wont do it willingly, something is up.
Never officially asked for her number. Just said would you like to talk over the cell sometime. Could reply with the Sunday coffee and if she replies with a go, then reply with what is your number incase something comes up or I need to contact you while on the way to her.
That would make sense. Doubtful theres low interest. Why suggest to meet on Saturday night if there was low interest. Makes no sense. She lives in a very ritzy area doubtful she needs the money.
Yep, we've exchanged photos. She's a looker. No doubt bout that. I was thinking of opting out of Sat. night and shooting for Sunday morning. If she agrees, then say if something changes right before on while I am on the way, how will I get in touch with you? If she still will not give a number, than I will wish her the best. All I need is to get there and find out she isn't coming on e-mail two hours later. Its a common courtesy.
I wouldn't say setting up a date without talking to someone on the phone is that unusual, but the fact that you gave your number and she didn't give hers is suspect like BCCA said.
I would tell her you have plans Saturday, and change the date for the following week on a Monday through Thursday or I guess Sunday would be fine too since it's Wednesday today. I set them up 4-6 days in advance. I think it shows that the girl is not a flake, and they have interest if they even remember to show up.
Ask her directly for her phone number on the coffee date. If she starts jaw-flapping and mumbling nonsense. Bye bye.
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