I've been in contact with the ex since Friday through email. Over the weekend, I told him no contact. I flipped out a little bit and just said to give me the space I needed to let go.
He wrote back telling me he couldn't give me forever. He'd email me in December.
I wrote back telling him, "fine, email me all you want then." To imply that I wasn't going to pay attention. :-/
Then I emailed him again addressing the fact that he wouldn't let go of this dream. That our relationship has never worked out, yet he wouldn't let go of this dream. All the while I'm feeling crushed, my dream feels crushed.
He writes back talking about how he's always tried to keep us together, but I always pushed us away. That our feelings for each other are the same... we both feel hurt, both still care for each other. He tells me that towards the end is when he gave up, until something major changes. (one of us moves closer to the other or something... something)
I write back telling him I just want to put these three years of torture behind me. That all I hope for is that we can both let the past go, and not bring any of the garbage forward, only use whatever was good to our own personal benefit.
I tell him I wish I could see him, but I just don't see the point in going through those emotions. That I just want to know he's okay, that the overall relationship didn't hurt him, that I'd do anything to make it feel better. Or almost anything. laugh, laugh. (ugh)
That was yesterday at 3:26 p.m. Nothing yet in reply. Sigh.
How do I feel? I'm ready, so ready, to move forward. No, really. I'm just too curious on how he's doing I guess. (dumb!) I think to myself that I'd only get back together with him if he showed me how much he desperately loved me. But do I want a desperate guy? uhhhh.... no? So I think my dignity, and his, are just letting this go right now. Really letting this go.
It's like a stupid obsession.... waiting to see what happens next. I can't help it when I'm at work in front of the computer all day. I get my work done. I'm great. But I'm not so incredibly busy that I don't think.
Ah, shame on me. Maybe I need to make it a point to think of x or y or z instead of him. A conscious and committed point.
Any suggestions or thoughts or tough love is always appreciated.
She dumped him... I have absolutely no idea why.....
I'm afraid it's true though.
if you've dumped him - then quit rising to the bairt and answering, block him off, and don't ever, ever respond again.
he will only keep contacting you, if you make it worth his while, won't he?
__________________ There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.
" A cross between a new age Buddhist Monk and Xena the Warrior Princess" GrayClouds.Caliguy's No Contact Guide.
Winter 2007-2008 was rough, but we we're okay. I was the cause of the "not okay".... I would push him away. I kept telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship. In fact, that is THE story. And he's always been persistent.
We date.
Spring 2008 He gave up. We stopped seeing each other.
We date.
June 2008 I stopped seeing him.
We date.
From November 2008 to July of 2009, we were okay. My insecurity was there but it was a pretty good stretch. He never gave up.
July 2009 I stopped seeing him.
SO NOW..... in late August I took these Landmark Education classes, which I picked up from him actually. So after he knew I completed them he called, we talked.
We dated for two weeks.
Then he tells me he had a date that Saturday, to a beach party, and that he had this date BEFORE we started dated. He asked me for assurance that I was going to stick around.
I flipped. I said that if he wanted to date someone else, then do it. He kept the date, but she cancelled on him.... because she knew he was seeing me.
I was wounded that he would do that to me, my ego hurt.
He protested that he just wanted assurance. He protested that she was just a stand in. That I was his first choice.
YOU SEE WHAT WE GO THROUGH??? WHO'S FAULT IS IT?
Ugh.... I've told him numerous times I wasn't ready for a relationship, but we tried. I tried. I had a lot to go through. I AM in a better place right now. But he was with me through the worst of it.... through the initial recovery from my past.
It's just a lot of yuck. A lot of pain and hurt from the past. I want to start fresh. I love him... but this can't go on. It's so ridiculous.
We're just at a stalemate. I know I pushed him away. But only because I needed the space. I won't always be like this... it was just bad timing, that's all.
Now what? Now just move on. Continue on my road... live my life... learn my lessons.
It's very hard keeping a relationship with an eating disorder. Blah. Plus from my past I had so many stories circling my head.... I was too busy, to insecure, to have a relationship. I pushed him away.
But he knows I love him. He knew I honestly loved him. And I believed he loved me.
It couldn't be helped. I had to help myself... I had to heal before I could be in a relationship.
Now it's just the end of all that on and off.... it's the end of our half-relationship. It's the going our separate ways.
It hurts. I'll miss him. I love him. I wish him the best.
It's very hard keeping a relationship with an eating disorder. Blah. Plus from my past I had so many stories circling my head.... I was too busy, to insecure, to have a relationship. I pushed him away.
But he knows I love him. He knew I honestly loved him. And I believed he loved me.
It couldn't be helped. I had to help myself... I had to heal before I could be in a relationship.
Now it's just the end of all that on and off.... it's the end of our half-relationship. It's the going our separate ways.
It hurts. I'll miss him. I love him. I wish him the best.
But I have to move forward.
....until he gets in contact with you again.
__________________
"There's nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men. True nobility is being superior to your former self". -Ernest Hemingway Caliguy's No Contact Guide
Winter 2007-2008 was rough, but we we're okay. I was the cause of the "not okay".... I would push him away. I kept telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship. In fact, that is THE story. And he's always been persistent.
We date.
Spring 2008 He gave up. We stopped seeing each other.
We date.
June 2008 I stopped seeing him.
We date.
From November 2008 to July of 2009, we were okay. My insecurity was there but it was a pretty good stretch. He never gave up.
July 2009 I stopped seeing him.
SO NOW..... in late August I took these Landmark Education classes, which I picked up from him actually. So after he knew I completed them he called, we talked.
We dated for two weeks.
Then he tells me he had a date that Saturday, to a beach party, and that he had this date BEFORE we started dated. He asked me for assurance that I was going to stick around.
I flipped. I said that if he wanted to date someone else, then do it. He kept the date, but she cancelled on him.... because she knew he was seeing me.
I was wounded that he would do that to me, my ego hurt.
He protested that he just wanted assurance. He protested that she was just a stand in. That I was his first choice.
YOU SEE WHAT WE GO THROUGH??? WHO'S FAULT IS IT?
Yours, of course!!
Nobody held a gun to your head and coerced you into dating him against your will... this was a totally on-off relationship - indulged in by both of you, equally.
he then states, (although not in so many words) that he wanted assurance, which is a good way of yanking your chain and letting you know that actually, until he knows you two are serious, you're actually just a FWB....
The problem is, it seems that you too, were the classic Miss Commitmentphobe... you wanted all the benefits of true enduring lasting love - but held him at arm's length.... so he became just a little peeved at that....
If you weren't 'ready for a relationship' why did you lead him on for so long?
Nobody held a gun to your head and coerced you into dating him against your will... this was a totally on-off relationship - indulged in by both of you, equally.
he then states, (although not in so many words) that he wanted assurance, which is a good way of yanking your chain and letting you know that actually, until he knows you two are serious, you're actually just a FWB....
The problem is, it seems that you too, were the classic Miss Commitmentphobe... you wanted all the benefits of true enduring lasting love - but held him at arm's length.... so he became just a little peeved at that....
If you weren't 'ready for a relationship' why did you lead him on for so long?
You are right... because of all that on and off, we could never get serious. I would joke around that we were lovers, but at the same time I meant it. We talked about what we were... so in love, yet such a crazy relationship. I joked with him again that he was my "love interest."
I COULD NEVER GIVE HIM THE RELATIONSHIP HE WANTED! I couldn't help it. I'd try to stop dating him.... but he always comes back.
He's been such a great guy. I'm really pushing him away this time. I begged for NC. He wouldn't listen. That's just where we're at NOW.
We're both trying to accept that it's REALLY OVER THIS TIME.
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