[HeavenOrHell]

I've had 4 months, (well actually 7 months if you include the run up to him leaving me) of hell. People say you'll get used to things and you'll find someone else, but I don't want anyone else EVER. Maybe I'm getting used to the abject loneliness bit by bit, but I HATE it. I have frequent suicidal thoughts, was put on anti depressants but the side effects are horrendous so stopped them,
I can't handle the misery, I had quite a lot of support for the first month and bit by bit it's dropped away. I don't make new friends easily, I have social phobia. My ex left cos I neglected him for a couple of years as my life was so busy.
I long to be free of this endless pain, I would have done it by now if I wasn't sure a coward.
Nobody really needs me anymore, except my mum maybe, shows what a sad act I am doesn't it if no-one really cares for me at 43 other than my mum. Yes my friends and ex say they care and need me, but they don't show it anymore. I'm sick of everything and everyone, there's nothing here for me anymore. I asked 2 of my closest friends (sisters) if I could go to their's one eve a week and watch telly but they said they're usually tired in the eves. I don't have many friends and the ones I have are too busy or too depressed/anxious to meet. I spend most days and evenings alone.
I was seeing ex weekly but I have gone NC for 9 days now.
I was loved for 18 years by him and now clearly I'm not loveable anymore. He moved into a flat in July and now he's all happy cos he's found a better flat to move into January, so his life is working out and I'm stuck in the past.
I knew if he left it would be bad but not THIS bad. I can't see a way through it, all I can see is existing in a lonely world and hoping I will die sooner rather than later, while he meets someone else.