I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.
I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish. Even at that weight I felt like I did not look good in a bathing suit and I wanted to lose more weight (to be around 115ish). Not sure that was realistic since I hadn't been that weight since high school.
I had told him I had lost weight, so I never hid that from him. When we were first together I was motivated to work out - you know how it is, the flush of love, not being able to eat, always thinking of that person and how you are just kinda of obsessed.
He had lost 40 pounds a year or two earlier and was working out. Our new relationship really motivated him. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.
Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing. I wanted to talk to him about it but I get so emotional and cry and I don't think that's fair to him. So I sent him an email about it. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.
What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.
When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. I work from home and make my own hours. One of the benefits I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am.
Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have no kids. My time is my own. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement.
I have no excuse except I am so hurt and bitter. This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore.
I feel like he has me backed into a corner and I am defensive and hurt. I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."
When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.
I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.
I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 4 but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.
I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"
I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.
I'm sorry you're hurting! Do you think, maybe depressions has added to your weight gain? What kinds of surgeries have you had if you don't mine me asking? You said you don't want to have sex sometimes unless you guilt him into it....so is it YOU that doesn't want to have sex mostly, or is it that HE doesn't want to? Perhaps its both of you that would rather not even bother? The only thing I know to tell you right now, is maybe see about talking to a counselor. Someone that can help YOU with whatever is going on and how to better deal with your feelings.
__________________ "If you're tired of beating that same dead horse....then just stop!"
Do you realize that sexual response is largely involuntary. Meaning his body is just reacting the way that it is to yours. That isn't something he directly controls.
If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage. Angry that instead of being sorry and trying to fix a problem you created, you are trying to blame the victim - and he is the victim here not you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.
I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish. Even at that weight I felt like I did not look good in a bathing suit and I wanted to lose more weight (to be around 115ish). Not sure that was realistic since I hadn't been that weight since high school.
I had told him I had lost weight, so I never hid that from him. When we were first together I was motivated to work out - you know how it is, the flush of love, not being able to eat, always thinking of that person and how you are just kinda of obsessed.
He had lost 40 pounds a year or two earlier and was working out. Our new relationship really motivated him. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.
Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing. I wanted to talk to him about it but I get so emotional and cry and I don't think that's fair to him. So I sent him an email about it. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.
What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.
When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. I work from home and make my own hours. One of the benefits I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am.
Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have no kids. My time is my own. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement.
I have no excuse except I am so hurt and bitter. This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore.
I feel like he has me backed into a corner and I am defensive and hurt. I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."
When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.
I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.
I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 4 but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.
I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"
I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.
Pandora, I have had several surgeries on my feet - 5 different procedures. Since those, I have pain when on the treadmill which was my primary mode of cardio.
And IT'S ME who wants sex - him who doesn't. I have to guilt him into it. I'm the one who wants sex, he's the one who doesn't.
Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.
Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they did not have much sex.
I told him last Christmas that what I wanted as my gift was to have sex at least 4 times a month. That is NOT a lot, but it hasn't happened.
Pandora, I suppose depression could be a part of it. The economy has taken a toll on my business. I don't feel motivated about anything.
Location: Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten.
Posts: 79
Wtf!
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
__________________
"I'm looking for warriors to follow me." A.M Gray, Commandant, USMC
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
I agree. I think that was unnecessary. Obviously she needs to loose weight, but to say she loves food more than her husband is insulting. It's not that black and white.
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
This is completely uncalled for and unproductive.
You nor anyone else here knows for sure whether she loves food so much that its a replacement for her husband and sex.And even if thats the case, that is a form of depression and her channeling her energy into food is one way some people deal or not deal for that matter, of what may or may not be going on their lives. Obviously she needs some kind of help, and hopefully with positive reinforcement she might be able to do that. Telling someone to punch another in the face is not the answer.
__________________
~"The fact that you ran and told the "teacher" just proves you are ashamed of what you do." MY intentions were not the way you took them to be, but your actions speak louder than my words."
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
While Mem was a bit blunt I would agree that a 50 pound weight gain over 4 years is a lot of weight. When you add i the fact that at only 5ft 2 inches tall and weighing in at 135 pounds the OP went into her marriage over weight by a goodly amount.
What's key here though is that the OP told her husband that she'd lost weight, she entered the marriage with the agreement that she was just as committed to physical health and staying physically attractive as he was ie: she was going to continue to attempt to lose weight and become more physically fit.
If OP had come here and said she'd had several surgeries
and been depressed and couldn't get lower than 135 pounds or even that she'd gained 5-10 pounds because she couldn't handle her treadmill I could understand.. but 50 pounds in only 4 years? I can well understand if her husband feels betrayed and lied to.
Location: Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten.
Posts: 79
Turning my deck guns...
Frustrated, I would agree with the above posters if the opposite was true. First, you don't lose weight for somebody else. You lose it for you. When you are tired of what you are, then change it. If not, then not. Second, losing weight doesn't change who YOU are. My wife is not thin, but she is as beautiful to me as the day we met not because of her flesh, but because of HER! If all of a sudden you drop the weight and your husband wants to ride you around like a pony, was it because of you or your body? If it's the latter, your better off dumping this jerk and finding a guy who is worth a damn. Third, stop kicking yourself. Your not the problem, your husband is. You gained weight? So what! He seems to be the one with the issue. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, I BETCHA there are many men who would!
Do I sound angry? HELL. YES. I'm angry and here's why. My daughter is eleven and as skinny as a rail. She was told by some silly-ass boy that she was fat. Next thing I know, she's trying to STARVE herself by not eating for the whole day! She was told by her friends that if she gets fat, nobody will like her. I could see the tears well up in my wife's eyes and I think she may have seen the rage building in mine. This is what I told my daughter:
"Where ever you go in life, people will always tell you that you are too this or not enough that. You will be too fat, too thin, too black, or not black enough. What ever you are, be that and be proud of what ever that is". That's what my parents told me and that's what I told her. She seemed okay with this and ate pizza with us that night.
Double ouch on mem11363.....
Weight gain is a very sensitive subject. I've been there like so many others and it is not as easy as it sounds. But....first and foremost you need to stop and really focus on what the real issues may be. The surgeries may have played a part, but I would bet that a lot of it is depression.
Get in touch with yourself and focus on you. Try to be healthier......eat right, and start exercising. Concentrate on yourself and loving yourself, don't do it for anyone else. As you start to pull out of your depression you will start to see things differently and then may be able to deal with the other issues around you; like your husband. There are different ways that he could have handled your weight gain without being cruel about it.
IMO, 50 pounds over 4 years might sound like alot, but really its not. 50 pounds in a few months or even in a years time, yeah then that's different.
Anyway I've seen the OP actually agree with some of the things some people have said, , but yet thats not good enough for some I suppose. So then the question would be, how do you light a fire under someones butt that is depressed, and unmotivated to loose the weight she knows she needs to loose?
My guess would be to start off with a person(s) that can help you. Counselor/personal trainer/nutritionist. Of course this is probably if its based on something within your budget. Or even try some online tips etc. I know that no mater what is told to you or suggested though, at some point you'll have to make some kind of conscience decision on what you want to do. Good luck!
__________________ "Sometimes its best to consider the source."
Pandora, I have had several surgeries on my feet - 5 different procedures. Since those, I have pain when on the treadmill which was my primary mode of cardio.
And IT'S ME who wants sex - him who doesn't. I have to guilt him into it. I'm the one who wants sex, he's the one who doesn't.
Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.
Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they did not have much sex
I told him last Christmas that what I wanted as my gift was to have sex at least 4 times a month. That is NOT a lot, but it hasn't happened.
Pandora, I suppose depression could be a part of it. The economy has taken a toll on my business. I don't feel motivated about anything.
Hi,
I am new here and have been following this thread since the beginning.
I hope that you don't mind me posting being a newbie. From what I am gathering from your posts your husband doesn't seem to be a "sexual person". The above statement from you raises so many red flags IMO. I think the weight issue is a cover up for what is really going on in his head. I think that him focusing on your weight deflects the real
reason he is not having sex with you. IMO, you are entitled to
know whats going on so you can make an informed decision in
your marriage. You are too young to be living like this. And yes
50 year old men still love sex.
My first thought is that he is gay and in the closet. This happens way
more often than alot of women think. I know that you said that
you had sex often early in the marriage. Many times thats a coverup.
Why did his first wife say he wasn't sexual? She was not overweight.
My second thought is he having an affair? He isn't going to admit either if you confront him. I'll be honest with you I would be tempted to
have a keylogger installed on his computer to at least rule out
the gay and affair questions. But that is just me
Would you be open to getting IC for yourself? Woman to woman I hate
seeing your husband treat you like this, deflecting his own sexual
problems and making them your fault. Yeah, yeah, men are visual
sexual beings but a loving husband would not be turning down sex
like this unless there was an underlying cause, Overweight or not
overweight take care of yourself before you do anything. Do not
let him have power over you and ruin your self esteem. Get IC
and find out why you are allowing him to treat you like this!
I hope this post was not too strong I just call them like I see them.
I laid there for another minute and then got up and went into our master bedroom where I climbed into a cold bed and cried myself to sleep.
He didn't come after me.
I want to tell him how crushed his sexual indifference makes me feel. I am just so sad and broken.
I feel for you, and understand the pain you felt. I have been there so many times, but my wife gives me no reason other than she has no interest.
I am so sorry for the pain you have and completely understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
JamesM - I hear what you are saying. I know I have only lost 10% of what I need to. I know it is not noticable, but my effort is. I would think, as you said, he would at least be turned on by that.
I agree, but if he truly is turned off by your weight, then I guess it makes sense it will take a dramatic difference to turn him on again. What bothers me (and I am guessing it still bothers you) is that his love would be so contingent on your weight and your looks.
As you said in your first couple of posts, why cannot he be turned on by you as a person?
And again, an underlying reason seems to be the answer. Perhaps as has been suggested, he has performance anxiety. Perhaps he has a problem getting an erection and wrongly blames it on your weight gain when in reality it is a medical issue. Or perhaps there is something that is a secret in his life which keeps him from enjoying sex with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
I keep going over the "script" in my head about how I will talk to him about this. I am praying about it.
The moment will be there and the words will be there. Sometimes it is interesting how suddenly you find yourself taking about the problem. Whether that talk would bring any solutions...that is the question.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
You're right that he loved "the chase" of getting me - once you're married, that is gone, huh? I think I would have to be an Academy Award winning actress in order to pretend not to be desperate!
Sadly, in time as you get more frustrated, you also become less hurt by it all. You actually become less interested yourself, and the love begins diminishing. I know. I have reached that point. This does not mean that the few times we do have sex that I do not enjoy it. It simply means that hope for change disappears.
And then being desperate turns to anger and a bit of a "Who cares" attitude. And then either you focus on looking good for yourself or for someone else...or stop worrying about your looks.
I don't want you to get to that point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
He's 50 - I'm not sure what the sex drive is of a 50-year-old healthy man, but my gosh, I certainly don't think asking for sex ONCE a week is asking that much? I mean, men's bodies are designed to NEED a physical sexual release even as they get older, aren't they?
As mem said, he is 47 and still has a sex drive. I am a young man compared to him...at 45. And I do not see myself losing all interest in sex at 50. Most certainly if my wife took the initiative and came after me, it would be impossible to resist.
BTW, what happens if you DO take the initiative and go directly for his "manhood?" Does he turn away? Does he even get hard? Have you tried?
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
I really just want to say to him, "So, since you have pretty much cut me off, what are you doing for sex?" That's what I really, really want to ask him. I know he's not having an affair - I just want to confront him but it's difficult.
You are afraid of the answer. I understand.
But even if he was in an affair, then why would he turn you down? Unless he considers this cheating on his affair partner. Unless he out of guilt can no longer have sex with you. IMO cutting you off would make him look MORE guilty than if he had sex with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
Is it fair of me to ask him not to take care of himself?
Two people in a marriage should be free to discuss the problems that arise. If he is masturbating and because of it having no desire for you, then it is definitely fair.
Again, how would he respond?
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
I would like to say, "Marriage means you are my only partner for fulfilling my sexual desires. Since we have not have sex for weeks and weeks, I have got to assume you are taking care of yourself. You know, that REALLY hurts me - you have a wife who is willing and wanting you, but I'm assuming you woud rather jack off."
Or perhaps you can be less accusing and ask him if he lost his sex drive completely. Or at what point will he become sexually turned on by you....ie the weight he met you at. Sometimes being completely open and up front gives more answers than implied questions.
BTW, how did the two of you meet? Had he been divorced/separated for awhile? Did the two of you meet while he was in a relationship with someone else?
What did the two of you see in each other?
__________________ "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, the other is to let her have it." --LBJ
I realize what I am about to ask may escalate, still I think it is fair.
If he is not willing to limit his sexual activities to you then I think you are justified installing keyloggers on his computers. I do NOT think he is having an affair. I really don't. I do think you need to see what kind of porn he likes - and hey maybe he is the one guy in a hundred who can be completely celibate and he never watches porn, never masturbates and is simply content to never have sex. I just doubt it.
I do not wish to turn this into a thread about porn. I do however feel very strongly that if porn replaces real sex, that is a type of infidelity. I am not making a moral statement about porn. Plenty of guys ( me included ) use it as an overflow valve because their sex drives are much higher than their wives. But to cut your partner off - while you are satisfying yourself on your laptop - that is wrong.
FO - I do know what it is like to feel undesired. It is awful. It really hurt to read your post about crying yourself to sleep and then sleeping alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesM
I feel for you, and understand the pain you felt. I have been there so many times, but my wife gives me no reason other than she has no interest.
I am so sorry for the pain you have and completely understand.
I agree, but if he truly is turned off by your weight, then I guess it makes sense it will take a dramatic difference to turn him on again. What bothers me (and I am guessing it still bothers you) is that his love would be so contingent on your weight and your looks.
As you said in your first couple of posts, why cannot he be turned on by you as a person?
And again, an underlying reason seems to be the answer. Perhaps as has been suggested, he has performance anxiety. Perhaps he has a problem getting an erection and wrongly blames it on your weight gain when in reality it is a medical issue. Or perhaps there is something that is a secret in his life which keeps him from enjoying sex with you.
The moment will be there and the words will be there. Sometimes it is interesting how suddenly you find yourself taking about the problem. Whether that talk would bring any solutions...that is the question.
Sadly, in time as you get more frustrated, you also become less hurt by it all. You actually become less interested yourself, and the love begins diminishing. I know. I have reached that point. This does not mean that the few times we do have sex that I do not enjoy it. It simply means that hope for change disappears.
And then being desperate turns to anger and a bit of a "Who cares" attitude. And then either you focus on looking good for yourself or for someone else...or stop worrying about your looks.
I don't want you to get to that point.
As mem said, he is 47 and still has a sex drive. I am a young man compared to him...at 45. And I do not see myself losing all interest in sex at 50. Most certainly if my wife took the initiative and came after me, it would be impossible to resist.
BTW, what happens if you DO take the initiative and go directly for his "manhood?" Does he turn away? Does he even get hard? Have you tried?
You are afraid of the answer. I understand.
But even if he was in an affair, then why would he turn you down? Unless he considers this cheating on his affair partner. Unless he out of guilt can no longer have sex with you. IMO cutting you off would make him look MORE guilty than if he had sex with you.
Two people in a marriage should be free to discuss the problems that arise. If he is masturbating and because of it having no desire for you, then it is definitely fair.
Again, how would he respond?
Or perhaps you can be less accusing and ask him if he lost his sex drive completely. Or at what point will he become sexually turned on by you....ie the weight he met you at. Sometimes being completely open and up front gives more answers than implied questions.
BTW, how did the two of you meet? Had he been divorced/separated for awhile? Did the two of you meet while he was in a relationship with someone else?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Wtf!
And I do not see myself losing all interest in sex at 50. Most certainly if my wife took the initiative and came after me, it would be impossible to resist. 
me included 
Hybrid Mode
