If you don't mind me asking, how are things in your relationship outside of the bedroom? Forgive me if you had already answered that I didn't read all the replies. Any changes you see in him other than him not being interested in sex with you?
I know you asked for a males perspective on what he said to you, and I'm not a male BUT its hard to say exactly what he meant by that. Maybe he enjoyed having sex with you the first year or so, more than he did with his first wife, and misses the old thinner you? I dunno. Then again maybe he was being truthful in the fact he doesn't enjoy sex alot, and had it alot with you in the fist year for whatever reason, once again hard to say.
Everything is great outside the bedroom. We just got back from a weeks vacation and he seemed to really enjoy it. He said so a number of times. Of course, from my point of view, it was the worst vacation we've had because we had no sex - first time ever on one of these vacations that we have not had sex.
He hold my hand, opens the car door for me, we watch TV together, etc. We do not sleep together any more because of my snoring. He has sleep apnea and wears a C-PAP mask. That does not mask my snoring {which was not a problem before I gained weight.} While we did not have sex often at night {he's more of a morning guy}, I miss the possibility of sex. I miss snuggling up with him and feeling the heat of his body. It was a part of being a couple that I really liked.
Since marrying him I have left the state where I was living, along with my family. I have planned a wedding & 2 receptions. We have sold and bought a home and I have started a business. Plus I've had the surgeries on my feet. That's a lot for just four years. Not that these are excuses, but just back story on everything.
Even if you had done those things in ONE year, they would be excuses.
This is what adults do. They plan weddings, they move, they start new families in new places, they start new jobs or businesses, they have health issues. Toss in that some people also have children in with that.
50 pounds in 5 years IS a lot. WeightWatchers says that a 5'2" woman with a BMI of 25 (which is the high end of healthy) should weigh around 137. So at marriage, you were at the high end of your weight scale. You are now at a BMI of 33/34.
Two years ago you had only gained 20 pounds, and you realized that your weight was causing a problem in your marriage. And with that knowledge, you gained 150% more.
Control? Possibly. But a desire for control isn't going to gain you the love or affection of your husband. Turning that need for control around into self-control may gain you self-love, for sure.
One thing that bothers me a LOT about your post is the way you dress in your home. Sweats, hair in a ponytail, no make-up. All of that is fine if you still look put together like that. I have seen some women at the gym who still look great wearing sweats, ponytails and makeup-less. The problem is that you are describing yourself like that in a way that implies to us here that you look like crap at home (because you look "nice" when you leave the house). Why wouldn't you want to look nice for yourself and for your H and for the UPS man? Human beings beautify our surroundings - we paint our homes, we plant flowers, we decorate our homes to be peaceful and welcoming, we paint murals over ugly graffiti, we make our surroundings beautiful.
Why are you deliberately making the decision to NOT beautify the first thing that you present to other people? Is your home exterior welcoming to strangers, or is your yard ugly and unkempt? Is your living room warm and inviting, or is it disheveled and mismatched and displeasing to the senses? Is your car filthy and filled with french fry containers and grass clippings, or is it clean and vacuumed?
I would suggest you read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. What men need is different than what women need, and neither of you are working on giving each other positives. He goes into detail about having an attractive spouse and about getting emotional support. I think you and your H could benefit from it.
Yes he is a jerk, but there is a simple answer...... Exercise and lose weight for your health and self esteem..... Not for him..... You don't have children, married late in life and have options.... Yes 50 lbs in 4 years is significant and you look much different then when you first met....
We know all the posts from men who have complained about the lack of sex and the pages upon pages of advise for something that is so complex in these marriages that there is not a single answer.
Men have posted here over and over about their great marriages and families, loving wives, but as soon as they touch them or propose sex, they are shut down. We as men however do not cry ourselves to sleep and actually for the most part just take it.
I don't want to be callous, but here is a simple answer and you know it..... Not a single male has had such an easy answer.
Again the choice is yours, and he is supporting you in that goal.
I wish you luck and hope the decision you make is for you not him....
One thing that bothers me a LOT about your post is the way you dress in your home. Sweats, hair in a ponytail, no make-up. All of that is fine if you still look put together like that. I have seen some women at the gym who still look great wearing sweats, ponytails and makeup-less. The problem is that you are describing yourself like that in a way that implies to us here that you look like crap at home (because you look "nice" when you leave the house). Why wouldn't you want to look nice for yourself and for your H and for the UPS man?
I would suggest you read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. What men need is different than what women need, and neither of you are working on giving each other positives. He goes into detail about having an attractive spouse and about getting emotional support. I think you and your H could benefit from it.
When I fix up and try to look nice, I get no feedback from him - none. WHY even try? It is so hurtful when I get ready for a night out and he says NOTHING. And he knows that is hurtful to me because the one time he actually said something nice about my appearance, I started to cry. When he asked why, I told him it was because he used to say that all the time and that now I never heard it.
Sounds like a little depression, low self esteem and lack of motivation going on. I know that if people suffer from depression/low self esteem, it can make you feel like you don't want to put make up on, get on the treadmill, make yourself look decent. Your mindset is, "why bother it doesn't matter anyway." You've got to change your mindset, your way of thinking and know you're worthy. Perhaps you have unresolved issues from the past?
I think once you start to think more highly of yourself, possibly check and see about talking with a professional, and maybe taking some inicintive to do/try some more things, exercise, apparence, and diet wise then maybe you'll see a change, not only in your self but maybe in your husband as well? maybe after YOU have tried all you know how and you have lost some weight etc, etc, and if your husband still refuses or isn't interested then you've got a bigger issue.
__________________ "Never make someone else a priority, that only makes you an option."
Do you think its possible, there is someone else or maybe he is into something else and that's where part of his lack of interest comes from?
Yes, I do believe its possible he might not be a sexual person period like he told you about his first marriage. BUT him not even complimenting on you when you do try to look nice, speaks volumes. I think there is another issue going on here and its not ALL just about you gaining weight.
__________________
~"The fact that you ran and told the "teacher" just proves you are ashamed of what you do." MY intentions were not the way you took them to be, but your actions speak louder than my words."
I haven't read all the responses yet, I've just read your initial post.
That's a tough situation you are in. When I met my X husband I weighed 115 pounds at 5'8" and was completely miserable... well, two kids and 14 years of marriage later and I'm way overweight. The last few years are when I've gained the most... because I was unhappy.
First things first... you can't force someone else to change. That only leads to bitterness and resentment. So, you need to do everything you can to get yourself happy and confident.
You don't want to wake up early to work out, then start doing little things that will get you going. When you go to get the mail, walk around the block, start having "healthy" snacks to boost your metabolism and keep your energy up. Do 5 minutes of stretching each morning after you wake up...
You are depressed, deary. And the best way to get past that is to start boosting your immune system, your healthy endorphins and getting some control back over "your life".
Now then... about the sex. Sex is physical intimacy, mental stimulation and emotional bonding (at least in my opinion)... you can have one dominate the others or a nice combination of those factors. It sounds like you are unhappy and depressed... do you remember days when you were happy and then had to spend a few hours with someone who was really unhappy? Negative emotions are like the swine flu... everywhere and anyone can pick them up. If you are unhappy, then he may feel unhappy too... and that could hurt his libido. You look different, you've gained weight, you are no longer comfortable with yourself... tell me, do you "feel" sexy? If not, it's not fair of you to expect him to think of you as sexy... if you don't perceive yourself that way, you are just feeding that mentality to him.
Guys are more visual usually when it comes to sexual matters. The truth could simply be that visually, you don't appeal to his sexual libido. If you are depressed and unhappy... you aren't mentally stimulating him. You both love each other, but obviously your sexual relationship needs more than just the emotional bonding.
Do you think its possible, there is someone else or maybe he is into something else and that's where part of his lack of interest comes from?
Yes, I do believe its possible he might not be a sexual person period like he told you about his first marriage. BUT him not even complimenting on you when you do try to look nice, speaks volumes. I think there is another issue going on here and its not ALL just about you gaining weight.
There is no one else. Just a bit of back story - I am the woman he always wanted to marry. He asked me when I was 27 and I was not ready. He never remarried {his first marriage lasted 6 months - father pushed him into it} and then he had a steady gf for 10 years - never lived with her.} I was the "woman of his dreams" - he saw me when I walked into a room and he said "WOW." I was all that he ever wanted.
It was 12 years before our paths crossed again. I had never married {no one lived up to the high standard HE had set. They just wanted me for the trophy.} We were married within a year because we both knew - there was no one else for us but each other.
He's not into porn - that's not an issue either.
My husband is someone who is a very honest person. If he doesn't compliment me it's because he can't honestly do so. He is not someone who will "lie" to make me feel better. I wish he would find something to compliment me on. I mean, even saying "that jacket looks good with your eyes" would be something.
I feel like he's frustrated by it all and has kinda thrown his hands up in the air. He's not even trying when it comes to that stuff because he's told me and there's just nothing else left.
I have used the "losing your hair" example since he is losing his . . . he says he has no control over that whereas I do have control over what I put in my mouth!
So what? It's still the same thing. He doesn't look now the way he did when you married him either, but you still love him and you still show him love regardless because of the man he is not the way he looks.
For him to treat you any other way than with the respect and adoration you deserve as his wife because of a few pounds is cruel imo. It's not like you wanted to gain weight and it's not like you want to be overweight. He should try a little tenderness.
I haven't read all the responses yet, I've just read your initial post.
That's a tough situation you are in. When I met my X husband I weighed 115 pounds at 5'8" and was completely miserable... well, two kids and 14 years of marriage later and I'm way overweight. The last few years are when I've gained the most... because I was unhappy.
First things first... you can't force someone else to change. That only leads to bitterness and resentment. So, you need to do everything you can to get yourself happy and confident.
You don't want to wake up early to work out, then start doing little things that will get you going. When you go to get the mail, walk around the block, start having "healthy" snacks to boost your metabolism and keep your energy up. Do 5 minutes of stretching each morning after you wake up...
You are depressed, deary. And the best way to get past that is to start boosting your immune system, your healthy endorphins and getting some control back over "your life".
Now then... about the sex. Sex is physical intimacy, mental stimulation and emotional bonding (at least in my opinion)... you can have one dominate the others or a nice combination of those factors. It sounds like you are unhappy and depressed... do you remember days when you were happy and then had to spend a few hours with someone who was really unhappy? Negative emotions are like the swine flu... everywhere and anyone can pick them up. If you are unhappy, then he may feel unhappy too... and that could hurt his libido. You look different, you've gained weight, you are no longer comfortable with yourself... tell me, do you "feel" sexy? If not, it's not fair of you to expect him to think of you as sexy... if you don't perceive yourself that way, you are just feeding that mentality to him.
Guys are more visual usually when it comes to sexual matters. The truth could simply be that visually, you don't appeal to his sexual libido. If you are depressed and unhappy... you aren't mentally stimulating him. You both love each other, but obviously your sexual relationship needs more than just the emotional bonding.
I'm sorry for what you have gone thru.
It's not that I don't feel sexy, it's that he makes me feel unsexy. I will look at myself naked and think, "Hey, I really don't look that bad." I get fixed up and I still turn guys heads - admittedly, not like I used to, but still I do.
There is nothing worse for me self esteeem than making a move on him and getting shot down. It's crushing.
There is no one else. Just a bit of back story - I am the woman he always wanted to marry. He asked me when I was 27 and I was not ready. He never remarried {his first marriage lasted 6 months - father pushed him into it} and then he had a steady gf for 10 years - never lived with her.} I was the "woman of his dreams" - he saw me when I walked into a room and he said "WOW." I was all that he ever wanted.
It was 12 years before our paths crossed again. I had never married {no one lived up to the high standard HE had set. They just wanted me for the trophy.} We were married within a year because we both knew - there was no one else for us but each other.
He's not into porn - that's not an issue either.
My husband is someone who is a very honest person. If he doesn't compliment me it's because he can't honestly do so. He is not someone who will "lie" to make me feel better. I wish he would find something to compliment me on. I mean, even saying "that jacket looks good with your eyes" would be something.
I feel like he's frustrated by it all and has kinda thrown his hands up in the air. He's not even trying when it comes to that stuff because he's told me and there's just nothing else left.
That's good hun glad to hear it!
I just thought I'd mention it because everything was being discussed except for that, and while thats not the case for everyone, it sounds like its not in your case, it can be for some people. That's why I said too, its possible he is just not a very sexual person like you had mentioned.
I still say regardless of what may or may not be going on with him, he could at least show you a little more kindness. I mean opening the door for you and holding your hand in all wonderful things too, but right now you need some support from the main person you care about and love the most and he is not providing that for you. I'm not saying you should depend on his love and support only, you need to love and support yourself as well. BUT it helps if the person you love were to show you they care and support you too. Have you told him this? Have you told him you need this from him? Surely he hasn't just checked out of the marriage due to your weight. I think the way he is treating you right now in his lack of support says more about him than it does you.
It's not that I don't feel sexy, it's that he makes me feel unsexy. I will look at myself naked and think, "Hey, I really don't look that bad." I get fixed up and I still turn guys heads - admittedly, not like I used to, but still I do.
There is nothing worse for me self esteeem than making a move on him and getting shot down. It's crushing.
It's called SELF esteem. The emphasis on the word SELF. Don't let your husband control how you feel about YOURSELF. You can feel good about yourself at any weight. That's your choice.
wrinkles like them or not appear..... How dare you compare losing hair to putting on 50 pounds (or 37% of your weight).
Damn right it is different. This is not to question the OP but Hopeful1980's callous comment...
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopeful1980
So what? It's still the same thing. He doesn't look now the way he did when you married him either, but you still love him and you still show him love regardless because of the man he is not the way he looks.
For him to treat you any other way than with the respect and adoration you deserve as his wife because of a few pounds is cruel imo. It's not like you wanted to gain weight and it's not like you want to be overweight. He should try a little tenderness.
So what? It's still the same thing. He doesn't look now the way he did when you married him either, but you still love him and you still show him love regardless because of the man he is not the way he looks.
I think for many people it's not how you look so much as how you GOT to how you look.
Losing hair is something that cannot be helped.
Gaining weight, aside from a medical cause like a thyroid problem, can.
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This is not to question the OP but Hopeful1980's callous comment... 
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