so things just arent going to work with my H. not from my lack of trying, what i did is just too much for him. i dont blame him. what i did was unforgivable, i deserve it.
for the first time in 15 years im alone. no H, no MM. i take full responsibility. its all my fault and i understand that i am living the consequences of my actions.
but it still hurts. to be alone, when neither of them love me enough to at least care. my H would have, but i believed the MM that he'd never abandon me.
I was in your shoes 9 yrs ago. Ex left me and the other man ran as soon as I was single.
I can tell you, it feels terrible now, but the lessons learned from this pain are priceless.
Embrace the pain and use it to make your self worth grow
hug
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Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson
oh....i'm sorry to read this! The only good thing I can tell you is that maybe it's a good time to sort things out, minus the relationship confusion. What you saw in your H, what you saw in the OM, what you want out of a relationship & life? With one of them in, you might not be able to clear your mind. That's a sucky response, but maybe you just need the time to heal right now?
xxoo
I think most of us can relate to your pain. Keep posting, the people on this forum are so compasionate and understanding. If I may ask you, what would your biggest regret be in this whole situation? Do you see the OM in a completely different light now that everything came to a head?
so things just arent going to work with my H. not from my lack of trying, what i did is just too much for him. i dont blame him. what i did was unforgivable, i deserve it.
for the first time in 15 years im alone. no H, no MM. i take full responsibility. its all my fault and i understand that i am living the consequences of my actions.
but it still hurts. to be alone, when neither of them love me enough to at least care. my H would have, but i believed the MM that he'd never abandon me.
its a terrible, terrible place to be.
Does your H know how much you still think of the MM?
I mean, you really haven't given him much time to digest things. It has only been what -- a month?
It make take him 6 months to get over it.
And the fact that you even included the MM in this post - the fact that HE doesn't want you - shows how much you still let him affect you.
Honestly, how do you think you would have reacted to your H (a) having an affair for years (b) when it is exposed, him moping and crying for days about the other man (c) the other 'woman' continuing to contact him?
He really has gotten the raw end of this deal and he just may need more time.
And maybe it is best for you to be alone - for you to evaluate why you chose to have an affair and to give yourself ample time to heal from the affair AND the marriage.
I am sorry you are hurting.
__________________ We teach others how to treat us.
I have no words of wisdom. All I can say is sorry. I may be in your shoes one day...and I would feel the same. If you need us...and our limited support here...hiy us up.
__________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. -Rumi
Do you think that maybe your H felt that you weren't ready to commit 100%? Were you in MC? Him in IC? Maybe he just needs to disconnect for a bit to think clearly and decide what is best. Are you in IC, you really should be whether you and your H stay together or not.
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Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
been to MC. husband doesnt want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry. its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.
MM. of course i still think about it. now im stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldnt have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.
and now comes the guilt. the tremendous guilt.
i do think as a woman if it was me on the other end of this the "wrath" would have been much worse than what my H has given me. but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.
omg.. yes. And it melts us... and how could they possibly not love us and want to move mountains to be with us. wow... my MM just came to see me after 3 months NC, looked in my eyes, told me he loves me. Now he wont answer my email question. He's gone very quiet. Shocking? Nope.
Browneye
Sorry for your pain and circumstance. The more I read here, the more things seem to be the same. I am baffled really how men and women can lie to eachother faces all the time, and say I LOVE YOU and I am in love with you, and I want to be with you, and it is a selfish game or lie. I think perhaps now, that my xMM was bsing me all along. I believed he was in love and i was the one and only and he was looking at me like no other, but when I come here, I think it seems so many of us have similar situations, that perhaps we are the fools all along.
I think it is a good time for you to focus on you and what you want, irrespective of the men. Think about you and how you can grow from this, do some good for others, and yourself. When i am miserable, I try to focus on the lesson and also give back to others in some small way. Neither thing can be bad, right? helping u and giving to others...it takes the focus and power off of THE MEN....at least for a time being
perhaps we are all suckers, I sure feel like one..sometimes...u never really know what someone is doing or telling you, do you, it is a gamble..wow.
been to MC. husband doesn't want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry. its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.
MM. of course i still think about it. now I'm stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldn't have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.
and now comes the guilt. the tremendous guilt.
i do think as a woman if it was me on the other end of this the "wrath" would have been much worse than what my H has given me. but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.
I do so wish that my H and the OW could have read something like this before they embarked on their affair.
Her own H ended up dying and in a roundabout way, that's how I found out about the A.
I was utterly destroyed by d-day. My H said he wanted to stay married and would give her up so he chose to "throw her under the bus" (as it's called on LS) in order to reconcile with me. For what it's worth I didn't force him and he hated doing it to her. It left her sad and lonely too; probably beyond my imagining.
When 2 people have an A they both know that when a d-day comes it will be a choice between 2 unpalatable things. To end it "nicely" with the OW will mean breaching newly made commitments to end the A, with a newly
devastated wife.
Brown-eye it doesn't mean your MM didn't love you just that he had only unpleasant choices; there was no easy way out for him.
You must stop focusing on how badly your MM treated you and how he didn't choose you. If he had chosen you does this mean you would have left your H? If not and he knew it, why would he have chosen you when he couldn't have you anyway? If you would have left your H had the MM chosen you then you probably won't save your marriage; and why on earth do you want to?
Apart from this, if your H hasn't left yet there is still hope for you, but not if you keep focusing on the MM and his W. They have their own problems to deal with believe me.
been to MC. husband doesnt want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry.
Glad you recognize its a phase. I went through it after my xW's A too.
I am worried about his quitting MC. Something I didnt do (my xW did though) and its troublesome.
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its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.
Because there is nothing YOU can do, its time to open up to friends and family. Its time to leverage them to help YOU reconcile. You're right, anything you say or do during this will backfire. And its a trend you NEED to end. And you NEED friends and family to help you. Its SO very hard to do it on your own...
Now, he hasn't filed for D yet has he? If not...then simply recognize its a phase...it may pass. Which means it may come back again...likely will. I had several such phases.
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MM. of course i still think about it. now im stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldnt have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.
You gotta get off the MM. Enough already. Your M is in FAR more peril than you yet realize. For every outburst you see from your H, there are 10 you don't.
You must understand he was betrayed by the one he trusted the most. He questions everything you have ever done or said. Nothing you say has the certainty and validity it once had. You need others. You need to surround your M with people you and more importantly your H love and trust.
If you TRULY want the M...you better focus like a laser on your H. And that means swallowing your stupid pride and calling EVERYONE. You need the help. Look, at this point, if your H files for D...they're gonna know anyway. Might as well do it now where they can help you save the M.
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but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.
One more time. Enlist friends and family.
Its not over until the judge accepts the divorce decree. And you're not there yet...FIGHT. And if that means you quit your job...do it.
For pete's sake BEG...how do you think your H handles knowing that. Having to play nice at the soccer game or whatever it was. Knowing you communicate with "him" still. ITs almost unbearable.
You want your H...time to get drastic...quit the job, call friends and family. SHOW him something. No more words...Actions. Verifiable ACTIONS which say "I want my M to work".
Keep on trucking...it takes, on average, 2-5 years to recover. And its pure hell until then.
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"The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination."
been to MC. husband doesnt want to go anymore. hes in an angry phase. very very angry. its hard to do much, i try but it makes him angrier. he wants his space but at times its hard to give him that when all i want is to be near him and to talk to him and to try to make this better.
MM. of course i still think about it. now im stuck on coming to terms with the fact that i ruined it all for someone who turned out to be a jerk. so yes, i see him in a different light. i feel somewhat fooled. certainly wouldnt have gambled with someone like him. but i believed him. i really really believed the words he said, how could he be lying when he looked me in the eyes, i thought i could "feel" how much he meant it. its just sick. i dont want him back, i just want to understand this. And yes fooledonce, i do think of him. but in a much different way. im sickened by these memories. ashamed. disgusted.
and now comes the guilt. the tremendous guilt.
i do think as a woman if it was me on the other end of this the "wrath" would have been much worse than what my H has given me. but im not getting the wrath, im getting nothing. and that is a thousand times more painful.
Give him the time. If you love him, let him know, but give him the time. Work on yourself in IC. Deal with the thing that caused you to go down this path. Work on you.
Oh BEG... I literally almost threw up when I read your post. Are you sure? What happened? Was it another event? Did he just tell you he can't be with you anymore? What about your marriage counselling?
I want you to think long and hard about your xMM... You now know who this man is. Even if he came crawling back to you now that you could in theory be with him, could you even go back? I know it's not an option but it's time to let go of him once and for all.
What are you feeling about your H? Is there relief? Or do you still want to save your marriage? Because if you do, then it's not really over until you have completely given everything. If you are ready to move on, that's one thing. But if you want to save it TALK TO HIM and tell him what you are willing to do to make it work.
Don't have any more regrets, BEG. Don't move on until you know in your heart there is nothing more you can do.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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