That marriage is not a business transaction but a shared experience?
Going into this marriage he knew that I had needs and that there are certain things in life that one does need to spend on. Did I mention that he makes a six figure salary and I will never make even close to what he makes? I got myself into a bit of credit card debt and he took it upon himself to pay it off for me, silly me for thinking that he was making a nice gesture and helping us both out by doing so.
Now he is under the impression that I should pay him back and constantly brings it up. Isn't that wrong for him to think that with what he brings in? Not to mentioned that
WE ARE MARRIED!!!!
I thought that meant that we shared.... Am I wrong? All my friends think not.
wow that is not cool at all. in a marriage you share everything including money and that should be something he does for you because he loves you and he wants to help not tell you that you have to pay him back thats ridiculous.
Location: Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten.
Posts: 79
Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins;
but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or
knowledge, it will be superseded.
Here's the thing. Love can move mountains and slay dragons. Love is the highest commandment from God. Love can heal the sick, feed the hungry and embolden the lonley. Love is NOT a victory march. You husband will hold this over you until the end of time if he can. Hold your ground on this. If he keeps this type of behavior up, he will one day be doing it alone and with only half of what he has today (And the judge sayeth "Bring unto me the community property!")
[/SIZE]
__________________
"I'm looking for warriors to follow me." A.M Gray, Commandant, USMC
Maybe he got scared because you ran up some credit card debt, and he's afraid his money is just going to pay off bad debt.
Regardless or who makes what, you guys should come up with a budget together, agree what to spend money on, and stick to it. No more credit cards.
Make good on paying him back. Maybe he's just insistent on it because he's afraid you aren't financially responsible. This way you can show him you are.
Of course, this all depends on what you used the credit cards for... Contributions toward the household, such as repairing the roof, are a bit different than going on a shopping spree.
He is handling this very badly. I agree with you. Now here is my question for you. What have you done - what are you willing to do / sacrifice to show that you take responsibility for this problem which you created 100 percent yourself?
What I mean is this. Say you ran up 10K - and say it would be very, very painful to repay all of it.
Why don't you offer to pay off some of it - whatever that is - enough to feel pain. And yes LL you should feel pain - take some responsibility. Because it seems like you want to dump this whole thing on him solely because he makes more. And that isn't right. And you know it isn't right.
So my question for you is this. What are you going to do to show him that you take responsibility for this problem that you created? And if you want him to help you, I think it is fine to ask for help. You are married. But I think it is grossly wrong for you to have this sense of entitlement that you should absorb zero pain for this mistake. That is not how you act in a marriage. If you mess up and dump the whole problem on your spouse and them give them an attitude they will think you are not responsible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauralou28
That marriage is not a business transaction but a shared experience?
Going into this marriage he knew that I had needs and that there are certain things in life that one does need to spend on. Did I mention that he makes a six figure salary and I will never make even close to what he makes? I got myself into a bit of credit card debt and he took it upon himself to pay it off for me, silly me for thinking that he was making a nice gesture and helping us both out by doing so.
Now he is under the impression that I should pay him back and constantly brings it up. Isn't that wrong for him to think that with what he brings in? Not to mentioned that
WE ARE MARRIED!!!!
I thought that meant that we shared.... Am I wrong? All my friends think not.
so you burned up a bunch of money,that i'd be willing to bet he knew nothing about. then you complain that he brings it up? you just don't "get" into cc debt,you spent money you should not of. i think he's got every right to bi$ch at you.
How much is "a bit", and did you start acquiring this debt before you got married, or after? It's hard to give an opinion without more information.
First off, I'd have to say I'm more on your side than his ... UNLESS ... you got married and then started running up a bunch of debt that his six figured salary could manage. In that case I'd probably be mad about it, too, because I would start to wonder if I'd married the wrong person or not.
But if we're only talking a small amount of money here that he knew about pre-wedding (like maybe a couple thousand dollars??) and offered to pay it for you out of kindness, and then did a 180 and flipped out about it, then I'd wonder why he would have such a change of attitude.
In any case, I would do my best to get it squared away with him, I'm sure you're very tired of him harping about it.
That marriage is not a business transaction but a shared experience?
Going into this marriage he knew that I had needs and that there are certain things in life that one does need to spend on. Did I mention that he makes a six figure salary and I will never make even close to what he makes? I got myself into a bit of credit card debt and he took it upon himself to pay it off for me, silly me for thinking that he was making a nice gesture and helping us both out by doing so.
Now he is under the impression that I should pay him back and constantly brings it up. Isn't that wrong for him to think that with what he brings in? Not to mentioned that
WE ARE MARRIED!!!!
I thought that meant that we shared.... Am I wrong? All my friends think not.
Yes I agree. You should not have to pay him back.
But what are these "needs" that you need to spend on? Perhaps he has a different idea of what you do, on what is financially responsible.
Last edited by BUENG1; 2nd November 2009 at 10:48 PM..
That marriage is not a business transaction but a shared experience?
Going into this marriage he knew that I had needs and that there are certain things in life that one does need to spend on. Did I mention that he makes a six figure salary and I will never make even close to what he makes? I got myself into a bit of credit card debt and he took it upon himself to pay it off for me, silly me for thinking that he was making a nice gesture and helping us both out by doing so.
Now he is under the impression that I should pay him back and constantly brings it up. Isn't that wrong for him to think that with what he brings in? Not to mentioned that
WE ARE MARRIED!!!!
I thought that meant that we shared.... Am I wrong? All my friends think not.
A marriage is not only, but also a business deal. Had you both done your business well - this issue would have been fully addressed before you got married, in whatever way acceptable to both sides..... Actually - from your post it is not clear whether you accumulated this debt before or after the marriage.... Don't forget that your spending = your responsibility.
What did you do before you got married ? who paid your debts then ...? How did you even get to the situation you spent more than what you knew you could afford ?
It was definitely his mistake - to agree to pay off your debt without making it very clear you had to pay him back.
Last edited by Neutrino; 3rd November 2009 at 4:28 AM..
That marriage is not a business transaction but a shared experience?
Going into this marriage he knew that I had needs and that there are certain things in life that one does need to spend on. Did I mention that he makes a six figure salary and I will never make even close to what he makes? I got myself into a bit of credit card debt and he took it upon himself to pay it off for me, silly me for thinking that he was making a nice gesture and helping us both out by doing so.
Now he is under the impression that I should pay him back and constantly brings it up. Isn't that wrong for him to think that with what he brings in? Not to mentioned that
WE ARE MARRIED!!!!
I thought that meant that we shared.... Am I wrong? All my friends think not.
Yep, that's marriage. You share his money, he shares your debt. Is that why you got married - so someone could bail you out of your poor financial choices?
A great reason to stay away from the absolute worst business transaction a man can make. Sorry, a "shared experience" can be enjoyed without the government signing off on it.
That marriage is not a business transaction but a shared experience?
Going into this marriage he knew that I had needs and that there are certain things in life that one does need to spend on. Did I mention that he makes a six figure salary and I will never make even close to what he makes? I got myself into a bit of credit card debt and he took it upon himself to pay it off for me, silly me for thinking that he was making a nice gesture and helping us both out by doing so.
Now he is under the impression that I should pay him back and constantly brings it up. Isn't that wrong for him to think that with what he brings in? Not to mentioned that
WE ARE MARRIED!!!!
I thought that meant that we shared.... Am I wrong? All my friends think not.
I have to wonder what you mean by a "bit" of credit card debt. Then again, the amount may not be the main thing. Did you conceal the debt from him for any length of time? Is this the first time you've found yourself in a financial jam he had to settle? I ask because it seems he is rather resentful of having to pay off your bills. Unless he is just a jerk, he may be feeling deceived and/or used. Maybe you should ask him.
Did you share with him the opportunity to decide about getting into debt?
Sure sounds like you went behind his back to spend on things he didn't/wouldn't agree to buy, enough so that he felt a bail-out was required.
You treat his paying off your debt as a 'nice gesture to help us both out', rather than with an apology that you snuck off and got into trouble you couldn't get yourself out of.
And you're upset with HIM?
Sorry, LauraLou - as you've laid it out, you're self-centered and naive.
You're talking about everything else other than the fact that you spent money you didn't have.
You're dead wrong on this, and I think you know it. Go apologize to hubby, and try to incorporate the sharing you talk about from the beginning, not just after there's a train wreck.
You say he "took it upon himself" to pay off your debt. Did you two talk about it? Did he explain his expectations? IF he just did it without and understanding, then I think it is fair to discuss this with him.
I know a bit of how you feel as my hubby makes far more than I do and he paid off my college loans. We discussed it before he did - I told him that I could not have this hanging over my head so that when something goes wrong he brings it up and shoves it in my face. If that was going to be the case, then I would make monthly payments. He paid it off and has only brought it up once or twice.
I am curious as other are as to what "needs" you are talking about. Have you two discussed the role of money in your relationship? While I think it should be "our" money - not every man feels that way.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Why can't my husband understand.....
Linear Mode
