Mr. Lucky's right - and it's as I said in my first post - it actually doesn't matter that this was years ago, for the pain you feel it might as well have been yesterday.
The time might have lapsed for him, but for you the wound is fresh, raw and new.
8 years ago, or 8 days - it's still pain.
You have a right to have that recognised and acknowledged.
I agree with this. However, if it happened 8 years ago and her H has been FAITHFUL ever since...then I think that might say something good about her H...and that he intends to remain faithful.
If the ONS had happened last night and then he had confessed immediately then gabriele would have needed proof and time that her husband truly hated what he had done and didn't repeat his bad choice again.
I get that both scenarios hurt just as intensely. However, I think gabriele can maybe look at it as a positive (if such a thing exists in infidelity) that her husband has been faithful ever since...he is proving himself/has proved himself, in a way. At least that part might be easier, I dunno!
T/J: It's peculiar, there's another recent thread about this very thing, except it was a woman who cheated on her husband 20 years ago. You should read the advice given to HIM vs. the advice given to this OP. It seems that men are still more justified in cheating than women, even in 2009. Am I the only one who sees this? Bah! Anyhoo, I digress, and I apologize...
OP, I feel really badly about your situation. You must feel like the rug was pulled out from under you. Your world has been turned upside down and I can't imagine what the feels like. I hope I never have to. But please make one thing happen: try to go to some sort of marriage counseling, for both of you, if you intend to stick with this marriage.
Personally, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust my husband again, and I don't know if I'd like that kind of relationship, but I'm not you, and I don't know everything about your life, either.
I hope you find some peace and healing in the process. *hugs*
T/J: It's peculiar, there's another recent thread about this very thing, except it was a woman who cheated on her husband 20 years ago. You should read the advice given to HIM vs. the advice given to this OP. It seems that men are still more justified in cheating than women, even in 2009. Am I the only one who sees this? Bah! Anyhoo, I digress, and I apologize...
I read both threads, too. And I agree there is quite a difference in the responses...but I think that has to do more with the posters who are responding to each thread than the fact that it is more 'okay' for men to cheat than women.
Men and women often deal very differently with the aftermath of their WS affair and this is often apparent here in the responses by each gender. I don't think one gender is more 'forgiving' or 'acceptiing; per se, but there are generally different reactions from each.
I really think that despite your pain (which I by no means see as small or unwarranted), your H is a shining light compared to accounts on here of other men's infidelity.
Crikey, he's been carrying this burden for years and has upped and confessed. Bravo! He sounds like one of the good guys.
And yes, I agree with other posters that his faithfulness after the event proves where his heart and decency lie.
Life offers us many wonderful things. And many temptations. In my M I am aware of this, and would not be hurt by this kind of infidelity. But then I am fresh out of an affair, and don't fully trust my H anyway.
So I think your hurt (like so much emotional hurt) is about expectations having been let down. The expectations you and your H share together about fidelity.
And I'm not sure expectations are about love. Are they about ego or something?
And to be honest, it sounds from what you describe, his match yours despite the indiscretion.
I feel it would be good to fully explore the reasons you are so hurt by this, because IMHO it's not as simple as 'I was betrayed'. I am not religious, but I feel forgiveness is more about love than feeling hurt could ever be.
I think your guy is good, and that fact might help you through the hurt.
I guess I want to say to you, don't make a mountain etc., while qualifying that with an understanding of how it might be possible to feel hurt.
And whatever you feel, you are not wrong. They are your feelings.
I am sure with such a good man you will work through them. Good luck with that. I wish you well.
Forgive me - please, forgive me - but this is Bull5h1t.
There are many, many abused people who do not lean on their past for justification of their present actions. if your husband were tempted to abuse YOUR children, I might see scope for doing something, and quickly. But if you are putting his past forward as any justification for what he did - then think again.
My partner suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his extremely violent and dominating father - but he doesn't go around hitting other people....
I disagree...many studies have found there is a correlation between having been sexually abused as a child and adult sexual promiscuity, sexual inappropriateness, sexual confusion, addiction, etc.etc. Certainly, there are those who are able to adjust and lead upright, meaningful lives and then there are those who shun sex altogether and/or unable to connect profoundly with other people. But sex sometimes becomes the coping mechanism.
If a person has not really dealt with the sexual abuse successfully--it is possible that stresses in work, or family might "lead" them to situations(in this case cheating0 that create shame, guilt and more confusion.
The same with violence...until the person learns how to appropriately deal with stressors, that person will respond the only way he knows how ( by his experience) and that's through violence. Thus the slogan...."break the chain", "break the cycle"......
So depending on which side of the aisle you sit-this sort of thing can be the reason, the excuse, the rationalization or the justification....
It's a reason, but it's no excuse.
To enact certain behaviours may have it's reasoning in previous experience, but to enact something, and then use previous experience as an excuse is inaccurate.
'I can't help it, my experience made me do it', is utter rubbish.
'I'm sexually promiscuous and it may have something to do with abuse as a youngster', is more credible.
__________________ There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.
" A cross between a new age Buddhist Monk and Xena the Warrior Princess" GrayClouds.Caliguy's No Contact Guide.
Last edited by TaraMaiden; 9th November 2009 at 1:36 PM..
Gabriele,
I'm sitting here in shock right now, after reading your posts. You are not alone and our story is almost the same. Married 14ys years two kids 7yrs & almost 5yrs. I just found on 19 August my husband had two affiairs also 12yrs and 8yrs ago. One was a one night stand and the other was basically a fling that was 5 times (I was out of the country at the time). I also have the same feelings as you and it doesn't matter it was years ago.
I also feel like my choices were taken away (if I would have known then) I'm sure I would have divorced him but, now with the kids and so much time and my husband (like yours) is also doing everything to be honest (in counseling, now being open and being here while I rage).
I'm short on time (gotta get dinner on the table) but, I just wanted to share and I know your pain.
I don't have the answer for my relationship....I'm taking each day one at a time and only time will tell.
Chris......that's crazy! I found out on Aug 24th! I would like the opportunity to connect and relate more of our feelings/stories......I feel kinda alone, such a weird circumstance. I also don't have much time now.....supper here. Maybe you will take the time to post your story. I will likely check back later tonight. I certainly will be thinking of you.
I think you two should connect, I think your parallel tales would be mutually supportive.
you have to be members for over a month, and post more than 100 posts (one or the other...maybe both, I'm not sure....) I believe that this is to ensure members join, stick around and mean it, rather than letting spammers, time-wasters and potential stalkers stir up trouble the moment they hit the board. Apparently.
I know, the time frames for us are so similiar...kinda crazy. I guess it kinda opens our eyes that all over the world this type of stuff is going on to someone.
thank you for kind welcome, not a spammer just a real person who just had her life shaken upside down. 100 posts...that may take me forever
I try and do alot of reading on the subject. I just happen to google, just found out husband had affair years ago.
we were also the nice family couple, that everyone thought was the perfect marriage...thru thick and thin, the past decade and half we have stayed strong (makes me sad that I didn't know the whole truth). He was never in love with these women but, the fact remains the lies and betrayal are heart breaking (i'm sure you can all relate).
are we allowed to share private emails?
I agree that a cheating man is more accepted than a cheating woman. For me , however the gender of the cheater isn't important. The infidelity and trust issues are.
Chris.... why don't you take the time to post your story? perhaps you can break each sentence into a new post (lol). I guess we can just go with the thought that we can 'email' through this thread for now.. and if we feel connected reach each other through private message later on. I have posted my story, but not all of the details so we can both talk it through more as the thread grows. I also came across LS from google, but the thread I found was really old, not quite what i was looking for and not active. I am glad you found it, and me!
When my h first told me about his infidelity he begged forgiveness and said many times "I'm not that man anymore". After a bit of hearing that I told him he had to stop saying it because he is the man who did it, and I am the one who was hurt. It did not seem right to dissociate from it so much. I do believe that he is a stronger and better man now and I don't think he would ever make the same mistakes now. Over the past couple months I find that when I am with my h I am mostly fine, because I am with the person he is today. When he is not home, I obsesively think about how hurt I am and new questions pop into my head and just everything, I get sad and angry. But I find that I dissociate, and have a hard time bringing the anger and hurt into present day or I just get sick of bringing it into everyday, since it happened so long ago. What I would like to do is this......DIVORCE the husband who betrayed me, and remarry the man I have now.....I don't think that's possible though. I wish this was possible
I'm still here, just busy busy (kids, parent teacher conferences, home, dinner, talking with h everynight, etc)
not hiding even thou I wish I could sometimes. Its funny how the past several months have been so exhausting...I guess thats what happens when you are emotionally run down with such news.
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