Husband cheated years ago, but just told me....anyone else with similar story?
So I have been married for 14 years, a happy strong marriage. 2 boys....5 &8. My husband recently told me (2 months ago) that on 2 separate occasions he had kinda one night stands with 2 separate women. so one was 12 years ago and the other was 8 years ago. He has told me that both times 'his equip did not work', it was awkward and ended right away. He has been very respectful and open. He loves me, I know that, I love him, we have built a life together, I have no intention of leaving him or ending our marriage. I just feel so alone with my feelings. I feel like this is the weirdest sercumstance that no one can really relate to. It was so long ago......but it is so fresh for me. I feel a bit broken now, like I have changed as a person. My perception of my life is completely dif than what it really was. My husband was sexually abused as a child, and I know that his emotional struggles with that have had a big impact on his actions. Anyhow, I would just like to know if there is anyone else out there that can relate with me at all??????
So I have been married for 14 years, a happy strong marriage. 2 boys....5 &8. My husband recently told me (2 months ago) that on 2 separate occasions he had kinda one night stands with 2 separate women. so one was 12 years ago and the other was 8 years ago. He has told me that both times 'his equip did not work', it was awkward and ended right away. He has been very respectful and open.
Er, no...I personally don't see this.
I think he has been most disrespectful, but he wants to ease his conscience. the fact 'his equip didn't work' is neither here nor there. If it had done, he would have been screwing other women.
The big question is not what he did - but why.
What on earth was so unsettling in his marriage that made him think of even being with another woman, let alone possibly having sex with her?
TWICE - ??
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He loves me, I know that, I love him, we have built a life together, I have no intention of leaving him or ending our marriage.
Lucky chap. But you do need to think things through, so the initial shock needs to develop until you find yourself thinking straight.....
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I just feel so alone with my feelings. I feel like this is the weirdest sercumstance that no one can really relate to. It was so long ago......but it is so fresh for me.
The fact that he's only just told you, it might as well have been.
He's been living a lie for all these years, and without realising it - so have you.
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I feel a bit broken now, like I have changed as a person. My perception of my life is completely dif than what it really was.
Yes, and understand this - it will never be the same again.
You can't un-tell someone something, so you are now stuck with this new existence - and somehow, there has to be a way of learning to live with it.
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My husband was sexually abused as a child, and I know that his emotional struggles with that have had a big impact on his actions
Forgive me - please, forgive me - but this is Bull5h1t.
There are many, many abused people who do not lean on their past for justification of their present actions. if your husband were tempted to abuse YOUR children, I might see scope for doing something, and quickly. But if you are putting his past forward as any justification for what he did - then think again.
My partner suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his extremely violent and dominating father - but he doesn't go around hitting other people....
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Anyhow, I would just like to know if there is anyone else out there that can relate with me at all??????
no. Not directly.
But I think input from others from any perspective may help you consider this from different angles....
as I said:
The question is, why did he feel he had to do this?
And why tell you now?
This is not to say that you are in any way, shape or form guilty of his desire to stray.
Because he has to step up to the plate and own that guilt. This is on him, not you, and no excuses or justifications....
But a relationship is built and supported by an equal commitment from both parties... and maybe there were issues within your relationship that he - rather than air and face them - felt could be resolved another way, for some kind of closure....only to find that actually, this was not the solution, and far from 'closing' his perceived situation, rather, 'opened up' a can of worms.....
do you see?
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wow, on dday, it was 8 years ago too, before we were married. but she didn't tell me...she didn't have the guts. I found out from someone that she use to be friends with that couldn't stand her. So not only when I investigated did I find out her x-friend was telling the truth, I uncovered other betrayals.
and in the end, she got a boot up the shoot.
so yes I can relate, only my love for her quickly, almost instantaneously, diminished when I found out it was the truth. she wasn't the person I loved...she was someone else.
Tara, I usually agree with your input, but this time I need to disagree.
Sexual abuse is a very valid reason for the dysfunction of this sort of action. I don't advocate cheating in ANY way, shape or form, but there are certainly cirumsances that it can be forgiven.
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I admire he had the courage to tell you after all this time. No MORE SECRETS! Very good.
But it doesn't matter when it happened, YOU just found out you had been betrayed, not once, but twice by a man you loved and trusted.
You both need individual counseling --he to figure out why he did it, and you to vent about your pain--and marriage counseling to help you deal with the aftermath of this shocking news.
My husband was emotionally and physically abused as a child (not sexually) and for many years of our relationship I expected...less of him because I had such empathy for his early pain. No more.
There are many people who were abused as children that do not have affairs, drinking or gambling or drug addictions. I do not know why that is, but it is true.
So either he comes to terms with it, or he does not. But we are all adults now and it can not be used as an excuse for unacceptable behavior in our relationship. Empathy, yes, if I feel he is really working on himself and the relationship.
So the sexual abuse is not his excuse, but after therapy on his part(as well as some reading I have done since dd) it is clear that it did play a part in his actions. He has been in therapy for some time now and was leading up to telling me. he took part in a personal development workshop which finally gave him the strength to come clean. He said that the lie had been eating him alive, and he thought about it everyday. It is hard for me since so much time and life have passed since then. I sometimes wish I just didn't know.
So the sexual abuse is not his excuse, but after therapy on his part(as well as some reading I have done since dd) it is clear that it did play a part in his actions. He has been in therapy for some time now and was leading up to telling me. he took part in a personal development workshop which finally gave him the strength to come clean. He said that the lie had been eating him alive, and he thought about it everyday. It is hard for me since so much time and life have passed since then. I sometimes wish I just didn't know.
Sounds like he wants to be healthy.
Can you go to the therapy with him?
Tara, I usually agree with your input, but this time I need to disagree.
Sexual abuse is a very valid reason for the dysfunction of this sort of action. I don't advocate cheating in ANY way, shape or form, but there are certainly cirumsances that it can be forgiven.
I never said it was a reason. I said it wasn't an excuse. There's a difference.....
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Originally Posted by Spark1111
There are many people who were abused as children that do not have affairs, drinking or gambling or drug addictions. I do not know why that is, but it is true.
So either he comes to terms with it, or he does not. But we are all adults now and it can not be used as an excuse for unacceptable behavior in our relationship. ......
But as an excuse, no.
This was my point.
First of all, I am neither implying nor suggesting that this is what the husband has done.
We do not have his input, merely his wife's and as the OP she has clarified above.
It played a part, but wasn't an excuse.
Again, it isn't an excuse, but a reason.....
There are many abusers who put forward the excuse that they are abusive themselves, because of their past...."I can't help it, it happened to me...."
This is tommyrot.
Everybody is in free control of their actions.
So, whilst I am happy to discuss this as a factor in this situation, as the OP has expanded, I cannot accept that previous sexual experience is any foundation for excusing current behaviour.
The bottom line is that he willingly sought sexual gratification elsewhere.
Nobody MADE him do it, nobody stood by him and forced him to do this.
All it takes to NOT do it, is a simple 'no'.... a conscious, moral decision that an action is wrong.
He knows it, hence the guilt.
He knew it then, too, but he still tried it.
As I said, the fact that apparently, sexual coupling failed at some point, is completely immaterial and irrelevant.
He willingly decided to cheat on his wife.
Now, past experience may be a factor - but the fact is, he did it twice.
he very likely felt ashamed and guilty after the first occasion - but then, lo and behold - he tries again! 4 years apart.....
So whilst I understand the factor about being sexually abused rearing its head - I think there are other issues - which perhaps are more poignant and relevant - which could do to be examined.
In actions and decisions, never look beyond yourself for reasons.
The answer and responsibility - lies at your feet.
He said that the lie had been eating him alive, and he thought about it everyday. It is hard for me since so much time and life have passed since then. I sometimes wish I just didn't know.
Yeah -- I don't really have a firm opinion on whether or not he should have told you now. He probably should have told you then, but he didn't. I guess it's good that this hidden truth MAY no longer prevent him from feeling close to you. But are you going to be able to feel close to him?
I don't really know whether he will now stop thinking about it everyday, but surely you will be thinking about it. Probably obsessively.
Once you find about your partner's infidelity, you think about it everyday -- some days you can't even get a free hour from it -- and that's kind of the "hitch" for me in the whole full disclosure thing. I mean, yes, I think it's better for people to know. But the WS has an obligation to make sure they are not just unburdening on the BS for their own relief and that they have a moral obligation to walk with their partner every step of the way as they process the betrayal and to unequivocally prioritize the needs of the BS during this time.
I think you should tell him that he owes you that.
Gabriele,
I'm sitting here in shock right now, after reading your posts. You are not alone and our story is almost the same. Married 14ys years two kids 7yrs & almost 5yrs. I just found on 19 August my husband had two affiairs also 12yrs and 8yrs ago. One was a one night stand and the other was basically a fling that was 5 times (I was out of the country at the time). I also have the same feelings as you and it doesn't matter it was years ago.
I also feel like my choices were taken away (if I would have known then) I'm sure I would have divorced him but, now with the kids and so much time and my husband (like yours) is also doing everything to be honest (in counseling, now being open and being here while I rage).
I'm short on time (gotta get dinner on the table) but, I just wanted to share and I know your pain.
I don't have the answer for my relationship....I'm taking each day one at a time and only time will tell.
Chris......that's crazy! I found out on Aug 24th! I would like the opportunity to connect and relate more of our feelings/stories......I feel kinda alone, such a weird circumstance. I also don't have much time now.....supper here. Maybe you will take the time to post your story. I will likely check back later tonight. I certainly will be thinking of you.
I think you two should connect, I think your parallel tales would be mutually supportive.
you have to be members for over a month, and post more than 100 posts (one or the other...maybe both, I'm not sure....) I believe that this is to ensure members join, stick around and mean it, rather than letting spammers, time-wasters and potential stalkers stir up trouble the moment they hit the board. Apparently.
I know, the time frames for us are so similiar...kinda crazy. I guess it kinda opens our eyes that all over the world this type of stuff is going on to someone.
thank you for kind welcome, not a spammer just a real person who just had her life shaken upside down. 100 posts...that may take me forever
I try and do alot of reading on the subject. I just happen to google, just found out husband had affair years ago.
we were also the nice family couple, that everyone thought was the perfect marriage...thru thick and thin, the past decade and half we have stayed strong (makes me sad that I didn't know the whole truth). He was never in love with these women but, the fact remains the lies and betrayal are heart breaking (i'm sure you can all relate).
are we allowed to share private emails?
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