[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]Hi everyone. This is my first post on here although I’ve read a lot of other threads and gleaned a huge amount of useful information and advice from them. I’ve now got to the point where I need to share my problem and ask for some advice myself. I apologise in advance for the rather long post. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]My wife of 2 years (together 9 in total) has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker for around 6 months. I discovered this for definite about 5 weeks ago when I caught my wife out about where she was one evening. The next couple of days we had some big talks about everything and talked through a lot of the problems in our relationship (both busy jobs, don’t spend enough quality time together, I don’t really express my feelings for her enough). She said she didn’t really know what she wanted – whether to try and work things out or to walk away from our marriage. I said I was willing to work at things but she had to want to try too – there was no point me trying by myself.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]The guy she’s involved with I know from University and is well known for being a charmer with the ladies but also well known for his infidelity (he is currently with a girlfriend who knows nothing about this affair). My wife says he makes her feel special and attractive and confident. She swears that nothing physical has happened although at times I find this hard to believe. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]Unfortunately, things hadn’t really moved on very much in the last 4 weeks. She has spent the last 2 weeks at her mum’s house (only a few miles away) as she said she needs to clear her head and wants to miss me a bit. We’ve made an effort to spend some time together and have gone for a few meals out and gone to the theatre etc. When we’ve done these things we’ve had a good time and has generally ended with her coming back to our house for the night. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]But she still kept saying that she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to have a go at saving our marriage. I would say things like “the only way we’ll find out whether we can make eachother happy is to give things a real go for a few months, and then see how we feel” and she’d accept that this was the right thing to do but wasn’t able or willing to stop contact with this other guy. There are still daily SMS and I know for sure they met for dinner a couple of weeks ago. All through I said I would wait for as long as I could for her to make a decision but that I couldn’t hold on forever as the not knowing was too painful. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]Yesterday felt like a bit of a breakthrough as she said that she was going to try and give things a go and see how we get on. It doesn’t really feel as if her heart’s in it though. She said things like “I can’t promise that things will be okay” and she has also said she wants to stay at her mum’s house for another few weeks. She didn’t actually say that she’s firmly put an end to things with the other guy and I didn’t ask. She has also gone rather distant and has said that she doesn’t want to just pretend things are okay again. She said she doesn’t think we should sleep together at the moment as she’s still very confused about what she wants. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]This has all left me feeling pretty rotten as you’d expect. The main problem is I’m so confused. I get real mixed messages about how she’s feeling – one minute she’s talking about plans for Christmas together, the next minute she doesn’t want me holding her hand. I wonder whether she really has tried to break things off with this other man or whether she’s just telling me that. I don’t know if I’m being a pushover or just need to get on with things. In my wife’s defence, she does look like she’s about to have a breakdown and I don’t think she’s stringing me along vindictively. [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3]Any advice or comments would be most welcome – I feel pretty low on sanity right now. [/SIZE][/FONT]
I'd bet good money that she has been and she still is banging the other guy. Nobody has six month long emotional affairs. Right now, you're the backup dude if things don't work out with the new guy.
I say, tell her you'd like her to stay for good at her mother's house. Change the locks, get a lawyer, and let the fun begin. Right now you're being had, brother.
I think she is trying to be as honest as she can about where she is emotionally. That is only what is fair to both of you.
As to you being told that people do not have six month long EAs with NO PA, that is simply NOT TRUE!!! I was involved in a strictly emotional affair for WELL OVER A YEAR before it became physical. So it is very possible that there has been NO physical affair at all.
Perhaps the two of you should get into MC and IC as well. Take the time she needs so that when you enter back into the marriage as it should be you both know that it is because it is something you both want and you both think it is worth fighting for. I think if you rush things that you may lose her.
In my opinion, women get into Emotional Affairs because they feel they are lacking real affection at home. That is not to put the blame on you in any way. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is generally a lack of self esteem on the womans part, that leads her to look for ego boosting outside of the marriage.
If you love her like you seem to, then make sure you not only tell her, but show her regularly. Women who are this vulnerable need constant reassurance. If you are feeling tht you love her, tell her. If you think she looks beautiful, say so. The heart of a women is not rocket science. We want to feel beautiful. We want to feel valued. We want to feel needed. We want to feel loved.
Talk to her and find out what she needs specifically, and be honest with her about what you need. If she is being so honest with you, as she seems to be now, I think your marriage stands a very good chance of making a true recovery.
Good Luck, and Good Love!
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Attempt not to deceive the god with thy mortal lips. Peer deep within thyself, and ask not questions to which thou already knowest the answer, seek not advice which thou dost not intend to obey.
Perhaps the two of you should get into MC and IC as well.
Until the affair ends there is no point in being in MC unless ofcourse you see a C very experienced in infidelity. Even then, the affair has to end first.
Call his girlfriend, your wife's parents, your parents, expose the affair.
Your wife has left the marriage long time ago (wait, you have been married only for two years so couldnt have been that long....sorry i know it is a bad joke)
More than likely she has in PA.
Are they both working at the same university ?
OP, you need to stand up for yourself. Ever heard the phrase Love must be tough ? Now is the time to implement it.
She is playing you and you are letting it happen. Stop chasing her and expose the affair to everyone including the OM gf. If you demand respect she will respond, otherwise nothing will change
She is playing you and you are letting it happen. Stop chasing her and expose the affair to everyone including the OM gf. If you demand respect she will respond, otherwise nothing will change
Yes,
I would get tougher with her. I would Tell her "I will not tollerate this!" The Break contact.
SHE SHOULD NOT BE SEEING THE OTHER MAN AT ALL. Untill that stops you can't do anything to save your relationship.
Good Luck!, My wife have an EA and we are working threw it so I know your Pain.
They can't believe that some involvements just don't go physical for whatever reason. Despite the fact that EAs can be just as damaging as PAs there are still a lot of people who view both as very distinct lines to cross, the PA being the worst of the two. This gentleman knows HIS wife better than any and everybody on here so until HE says different it is an EA.
I'd bet good money that she has been and she still is banging the other guy. Nobody has six month long emotional affairs.
Well I don't know about "nobody"...I had a 2-year emotional affair with my xOM/MM before it became a PA. So it IS possible.
OP, your wife is clearly confused. What are you willing to do? Are you willing to wait until she is clear on what she wants? How long? If you are, then you have to give her the time, space and opportunity to weigh options available to her. Set her free. But I wouldn't assure her that I would still be "there" waiting for her when she decides what she wants.
OR, you can talk to the OM, or their boss or the GF or all three. How much exposure are you willing to do? Bear in mind, that exposing your wife to these people MIGHT just make her resent you. Calculate the risks. What are you willing to lose?
I've beaten myself up lots about whether this is an EA or PA. I have asked her straight and she's told me it's not physical but I'm also well aware that I've been lied to a fair bit already. I'm telling myself at the moment that all I can do is try and believe her rather than keep stressing about it.
In terms of what I'm willing to do... I can honestly see us working things out in the long term and I'm willing to try to do that. But I'm aware that I can't do things by myself and the first step has to be my wife wanting to try too. I think that she's got so deep into this EA that it's hard for her to see her and I sorting things out. It seems like a real risk to her right now to commit to our marriage. She doesn't know if she could ever be as happy with me as she is right now the the OM.
I know that I need to try and give her space to sort things out in her own mind but I'm also aware that the longer this period of "limbo" goes on, the more devalued our relationship is becoming. My fear is she is hoping that with time this decision will become an easy one; wheras I think that at some point she is going to have to take what she sees as a risk - either on our marriage or with the affair.
I don't know how long to try and back off for or whether I should try and get her to move back in. I don't know whether while she's staying with her parents I should try and rebuild a bit of love in our relationship - go out on dates etc.
It's also hard to see us making any progress if she continues to have any contact with the OM. Her friend told me that every time my wife tries to tell him it's over, he sweet talks her round. I have been temped to confront him or his girlfriend but am worried that would just drive him and my wife closer together.
You need to get this guy outta your marriage! expose and get her to stay gone. Get NC with her and let her choose. him or you. Your not gonna be the one who suffer's fools!
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You see I'm not a monster...I'm just ahead of the curve!!!
Ok, timbo....Why can't you demand that she come back to the house, cut all communications to/from the OM and start working on your marriage? You can't let the fear of losing her paralyze you. There is something you can do. Sometimes people need to be given ultimatums.
Ok, timbo....Why can't you demand that she come back to the house, cut all communications to/from the OM and start working on your marriage? You can't let the fear of losing her paralyze you. There is something you can do. Sometimes people need to be given ultimatums.
Amen Tami.
You hit it right on the head.
Choose, him or me.
Come home and work on this, or we're done.
It's not rocket science. She wants you to stand up for yourself and be a strong confident man.
Ok, timbo....Why can't you demand that she come back to the house, cut all communications to/from the OM and start working on your marriage? You can't let the fear of losing her paralyze you. There is something you can do. Sometimes people need to be given ultimatums.
I can completely see the logic in what you are saying but I honestly believe that if I push for a definitive decision too early my wife will leave. I know this should set alarm bells ringing all over, and it does, but I think she's wrapped up in a real emotional mess right now. Part of it is the fantasy of the OM & EA but also part of it is guilt and I really think she is sorry that she's hurt me.
I am getting closer to pushing her to make that decision but I don't think we're quite there yet. Closer than a few weeks ago though. She said last night that if she'd had to make a decision at that point, she'd have probably left me and moved in permanently with her parents- at least that way she'd not be hurting me any more and I could get on with my life.
That's not what I want and plenty of people will say I'm stupid for sticking with someone who doesn't want to fight for their marriage. Maybe I am being stupid but maybe I'm just very much in love and think that the time for fighting and hard work is just round the corner.
I know that I need to try and give her space to sort things out in her own mind but I'm also aware that the longer this period of "limbo" goes on, the more devalued our relationship is becoming. My fear is she is hoping that with time this decision will become an easy one; wheras I think that at some point she is going to have to take what she sees as a risk - either on our marriage or with the affair.
I don't know how long to try and back off for or whether I should try and get her to move back in. I don't know whether while she's staying with her parents I should try and rebuild a bit of love in our relationship - go out on dates etc.
It's also hard to see us making any progress if she continues to have any contact with the OM. Her friend told me that every time my wife tries to tell him it's over, he sweet talks her round. I have been temped to confront him or his girlfriend but am worried that would just drive him and my wife closer together.
If she wants you, then she needs to move back in and start working on the marriage.
If you give her "space" your just giving her permission to keep on chasing after this guy. She isn't trying to reconnect with her feelings for you... she is busy going after someone else. Giving her physical "space" is a stupid idea. Instead cut off the physical distance and give her emotional space.
In terms of contacting this guy or his GF... I'd wait. Force your wife to make a choice first. If she chooses you, then you may want to contact the guy and his GF... otherwise.... it's not really your business anymore.
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