I can completely see the logic in what you are saying but I honestly believe that if I push for a definitive decision too early my wife will leave. I know this should set alarm bells ringing all over, and it does, but I think she's wrapped up in a real emotional mess right now. Part of it is the fantasy of the OM & EA but also part of it is guilt and I really think she is sorry that she's hurt me.
I am getting closer to pushing her to make that decision but I don't think we're quite there yet. Closer than a few weeks ago though. She said last night that if she'd had to make a decision at that point, she'd have probably left me and moved in permanently with her parents- at least that way she'd not be hurting me any more and I could get on with my life.
That's not what I want and plenty of people will say I'm stupid for sticking with someone who doesn't want to fight for their marriage. Maybe I am being stupid but maybe I'm just very much in love and think that the time for fighting and hard work is just round the corner.
She is so full of crap her teeth are floating!
The more you lollygag the more she has an excuse to put you off. Because if it doesent work out with Loverboy, there's "Good Old Timbo" waiting with open arms to take the be her personal hand puppet. She knows you will take her back in an instant and that your warning of not waiting forever are about as threatening as being hit with a wet noodle
All this "confusion" on her part is in essence telling you that she disrespects you enough to the point where she will toy with you just to see if for some reason this guy will leave his GF(which he wont). She is keeping you on the back burner just in case he does not leave his GF for her. Apparently she is under the assumption(as much as you may be in denial about it) that you are a complete doormat and will put up with this.
Man Up and make her decision for her. Make her feel some damn consequences for these actions, because she sure as hell feels no consequence lying to you or cheating on you. And if you feel that this affair is strictly emotional, may I submit to you that if she cant tear herself away from his sweet talk, it means he's hit it and she doesen't want to quit it.
See a solicitor toot sweet Timbo!
THE CURB...find the nearest one and kick her sorry ass to it.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now.If you're wishing to preserve your marriage,I'd like to recommend that you read the story and posts of a long-standing LS member. "Owl" . (go back to '04 , '05, mostly)
His was one of but a handful of success stories, regarding recovering a marriage from an EA. And his wisdom here is legendary....(living up to his name). sadly, he hasn't been posting for a while, but he's still on the members list, so you can read his story.
Wishing you my best.......................
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you can lead a horse to water, but you can`t make `em......... think.
I don't think she knows what she wants. It would be great if she could say that she knew that with hard work and time our realtionship could be fixed and we'd both be happy. But neither of us know that for sure at the moment. I have to keep believing it otherwise I'll have nothing to keep me going.
You know for someone who has just started this painful transition, you are doing good.
You are correct. She does not know what she wants. You would love to see your wife running back into your arms...right now anyway.
No women in her position knows what she wants. She wants you and him....she feels torn. She is confused. It is all about her! The best thing you can do is accept the fact that is a marathon (like you said). Dont make any impulsive decisions. But at the same time, set your boundaries. Make it very clear to your wife that the f* affair has to stop and she sends an NC note to the OM.
Why is she staying away from you ? Let me clarify what I meant by stalking. You want her to be living with you. She is your wife afterall. She needs to come clean about what she has done. She needs to understand the pain she caused you. And at the same time, you own up your share that contributed to the bad marriage and do a 180. This is VERY critical. It is impossible to start the recovery process unless the affair ends. And the chances of ending it are better if she is living with you and you are watching her like a hawk. You have two objectives....Ending the affair, do a 180 in your behavior. Does that make sense ?
How you handle your immediate post dday days dictate your path going forward. You need to take charge here my friend...while you continue to grieve. You will get your self respect, confidence, self esteem back slowly. Your wife will be stunned by what she did. That affair was a terrible choice. Right now, she is the fog, she has no idea.
About her wanting space...My wife said the same thing. Boy, I almost gave in. I offered to move out and stay in a hotel but never followed up on it. DO NOT give in.
You are not being stupid in wanting her back. I felt the same way back then. I did what I felt was right. It is very painful dealing with rejection and wanting someone who does not care a s* about you. You call her and tell her you want her back in the house so you can sort this out.
And when you start talking...remember NO RELATIONSHIP talk whatsoever !! Two objectives....Ending the affair and doing a 180 in your behavior.
If I'm honest with myself, I think another of the reasons I haven't pushed her to make a decision is that I want her to want to come back to me, not to do it because she's been bullied into it.
One of my greatest fears is that she won't get over the EA even with NC. For the last few weeks I've been telling myself that the thrill & lust that go with this EA aren't real and could never last. I've told myself that she's caught up in the drama of a new relationship but it doesn't represent real love - it's lacking all the fundemental parts that make love. I keep telling myself that with time these feelings will go away and she'll realise that the OM doesn't represent perfection and a life with him isn't the only way she'd be truly happy.
But... what if her feelings don't go away. What if she keeps feeling that she's given up on her one chance of being truly happy. Will she spend the rest of her life wondering "what if" and feeling like she's settled for second best with me? Will our marriage always leave her with a sense of emptyness that I can't fill because I'm not the OM. That really scares me. Common sense tells me that the emotions she's feeling for the OM are fantasy and rose-tinted but there's still a nagging doubt. Maybe the grass really is greener on the other side.
I understand the feelings that you have, that by pushing her may mean she will never come back to you. Look at it on the reverse, by leaving her carry on with both you and the OM, could ultimately lead to her not coming back to you anyway. Over time she could develop deeper and deeper feelings for him.
At the moment you are allowing her to have the best of both worlds......you and him. I would recommend taking yourself out of the situation and let her miss you. In effect knock her off her fence. This is to protect you and ultimately to she which side she lands.
One of my greatest fears is that she won't get over the EA even with NC. For the last few weeks I've been telling myself that the thrill & lust that go with this EA aren't real and could never last. I've told myself that she's caught up in the drama of a new relationship but it doesn't represent real love - it's lacking all the fundemental parts that make love. I keep telling myself that with time these feelings will go away and she'll realise that the OM doesn't represent perfection and a life with him isn't the only way she'd be truly happy.
First, there are no guarantees in life. You wont know until and unless you give it your best shot. Having said that she hasnt even ended the affair, she hasnt even told you anything about the affair, so how do you know what is going to happen in the near future ? What have you done so far except to ponder over the pessimistic what if scenarios ? (sorry about the 2X4).
Let me tell you, the feelings she has for OM are very REAL and very strong. They are not fantasy. However like you said, it is lacking all fundamentals of true love. It (is being) was done behind your back while she (is) was still married to you. She WILL realize this sooner or later provided you act decisively. She may be a wayward but there is a huge guilt that she is carrying right now about what she has done. You need to turn that guilt into true remorse. (There is a nice thread here somewhere that talks about the difference between the two). The remorse comes into play ONLY after the affair ends.
A lot of people in your situation react the same way you do and it is flat out the wrong way to handle this. First off you have to see the situation for what it is, not the way you want it. If it has gone physical you have to acknowledge that, otherwise even if she does choose you it will be in the back of your mind. Second giving her time to live out her fantasy will just make her want him and pity you. No woman will respect a man that is willing to share her because he is to soft to act. It sounds cruel but it is true. When you chase her and do all these "little" things for her, she will not see it as you showing affection she will see it as you being pathetic.
You have to DEmand that the affair ends and you have to expose it. Your wife is having her cake and eating it to. If you don't act now you will regret it later
The best thing you can do is accept the fact that is a marathon (like you said). Dont make any impulsive decisions.
This is what I'm finding hard at the moment, I have to keep telling myself that things are going to take time but what I really want is everything to be right again now.
This is another reason why I don't want to push my wife hard just yet. But I have set boundries in my head.
One of the problems underlying our relationship is my wife's lack of self-confidence and she has said a number of times that she doesn't feel like I need her for anything, that I'd get along just fine if she weren't there. Now for things like making my own dinner and loading the dishwasher that's true but I didn't fall in love with her because she'd make a good maid. I need her emotionally and love being with her.
Anyhow, right now she feels like she needs some time to clear her head and to miss me and not take me for granted so much, and that's why she's staying with her mum. She knows I don't agree and I think we need to be starting to work on things with her back here. But if I put my foot down it'll be just another example of how I don't take her point of view seriously and me thinking I know best over her. I think right now that would do a lot of damage to the way she thinks about me.
That is why I'm happy (well, not happy but tollerating) her staying with her mum for a short while. She's said she'll move back in a week or so but she feels like it's doing her some good.
I know I can't keep an eye on her movements etc but her mum and I are pretty close and she tells me that my wife is coming home each evening and also that she's bloody miserable most of the time so I think she is suffering too.
In terms of my boundries, I'm going to give it another week or so before I put my foot down about her coming home. Soft? Maybe.
Anyhow, right now she feels like she needs some time to clear her head and to miss me and not take me for granted so much, and that's why she's staying with her mum.
Well let her miss you. Tell her that you are giving her this time and that you don't want any contact with her for the next week or so. She won't miss you if you are still in touch. She needs to realise what life will be like without you.
Well let her miss you. Tell her that you are giving her this time and that you don't want any contact with her for the next week or so. She won't miss you if you are still in touch. She needs to realise what life will be like without you.
I am trying, and I hope it'll help. My mind's going crazy wondering if she's in contact with OM by SMS etc but that's beyond my control I know. I told her that she wouldn't miss me if she was still in contact with OM and she said she knew that.
So you all think it's too early to be trying to rebuild things by dating again? For example we spend last weekend together and seemed to have a nice time.
Do you think I need to wait for more of a committment from my wife before we move onto that stage? This is all so confusing. Maybe I'm trying to get us to run before we're walking.
The guy she’s involved with I know from University and is well known for being a charmer with the ladies but also well known for his infidelity (he is currently with a girlfriend who knows nothing about this affair). My wife says he makes her feel special and attractive and confident. She swears that nothing physical has happened although at times I find this hard to believe.
You cant believe it because it isn't true!
Quote:
Originally Posted by timbo1
Unfortunately, things hadn’t really moved on very much in the last 4 weeks. She has spent the last 2 weeks at her mum’s house (only a few miles away) as she said she needs to clear her head and wants to miss me a bit. We’ve made an effort to spend some time together and have gone for a few meals out and gone to the theatre etc. When we’ve done these things we’ve had a good time and has generally ended with her coming back to our house for the night.
Pretty lame excuse, at her mums...
Quote:
Originally Posted by timbo1
But she still kept saying that she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to have a go at saving our marriage. I would say things like “the only way we’ll find out whether we can make eachother happy is to give things a real go for a few months, and then see how we feel” and she’d accept that this was the right thing to do but wasn’t able or willing to stop contact with this other guy. There are still daily SMS and I know for sure they met for dinner a couple of weeks ago. All through I said I would wait for as long as I could for her to make a decision but that I couldn’t hold on forever as the not knowing was too painful.
If it were my wife here, I would give the ultimatum. Obviously she is a cake eater and you are the crumb.
I am trying, and I hope it'll help. My mind's going crazy wondering if she's in contact with OM by SMS etc but that's beyond my control I know. I told her that she wouldn't miss me if she was still in contact with OM and she said she knew that.
So you all think it's too early to be trying to rebuild things by dating again? For example we spend last weekend together and seemed to have a nice time.
Do you think I need to wait for more of a committment from my wife before we move onto that stage? This is all so confusing. Maybe I'm trying to get us to run before we're walking.
From my experience and reading others experiences you need to go NC with her. You cannot work at rebuilding your marriage with an OM in the picture. She wants her space so give it to her. Hard I know, but better for you in the long run..........I've been there.
This is another reason why I don't want to push my wife hard just yet. But I have set boundries in my head.
Things will take time.....whether you live happily ever after or you end up divorcing. And I agree you should not push your wife hard in that direction yet.
HOWEVER, you must push your wife hard to end the affair NOW !!! See the difference ?
Quote:
Originally Posted by timbo1
So you all think it's too early to be trying to rebuild things by dating again? For example we spend last weekend together and seemed to have a nice time.
Nope. Dating is fine. But you need her to move back in first, right ?
Quote:
Originally Posted by timbo1
Do you think I need to wait for more of a committment from my wife before we move onto that stage? This is all so confusing. Maybe I'm trying to get us to run before we're walking.
Yes you are trying to run before you walk. Don't push for committment. No relationship talk at this point.
One of my greatest fears is that she won't get over the EA even with NC.
even if she gets over it and you stay with her, she will have fond memories of another man she fell for while with you....you willing to put up with it, and settle for that?
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