I'd bet good money that she has been and she still is banging the other guy. Nobody has six month long emotional affairs. Right now, you're the backup dude if things don't work out with the new guy.
I say, tell her you'd like her to stay for good at her mother's house. Change the locks, get a lawyer, and let the fun begin. Right now you're being had, brother.
I completely agree.
But scriv, I just gotta wonder.....why don't you tell the women the same thing? I mean, given your own view on your own cheating, and men that cheat on their wives, then surely there had to be SOMETHING that caused his wife to cheat? Just like you blame your wife for your cheating, why couldn't this be the case as well?
timbo, dont get me wrong...this isn't my thinking at all. I do agree with what was said. tell her to go stay at her mother's house. I never think anyone did anything to deserve cheating or that it is justified in any way. I just had to wonder about the advice from someone that has justified it before.
But scriv, I just gotta wonder.....why don't you tell the women the same thing? I mean, given your own view on your own cheating, and men that cheat on their wives, then surely there had to be SOMETHING that caused his wife to cheat? Just like you blame your wife for your cheating, why couldn't this be the case as well?
timbo, dont get me wrong...this isn't my thinking at all. I do agree with what was said. tell her to go stay at her mother's house. I never think anyone did anything to deserve cheating or that it is justified in any way. I just had to wonder about the advice from someone that has justified it before.
This is somebody else's thread, so if you're going to post in it - then have the courtesy of staying on the man's problem and not on the hard-on you've got for me, sweets - ok?
This is somebody else's thread, so if you're going to post in it - then have the courtesy of staying on the man's problem and not on the hard-on you've got for me, sweets - ok?
This is somebody else's thread, so if you're going to post in it - then have the courtesy of staying on the man's problem and not on the hard-on you've got for me, sweets - ok?
just asking you to not be a hypocrite while giving advice to this man. because your advice changes based on gender.
I did agree with what you had to say to him, however. k, pumpkin?
This is a very hard situation to be in and I feel for you. From what you have written your wife is enjoying whatever relationship she has with the OM whilst keeping you sweet, her back up, her fall back in case it doesn't work out.
My xH wanted to do exactly the same........keep seeing his OW whilst living in the house and continue to be married to me. As far as I was concerned, there is no room in a marriage for 3 people and because he wouldn't break the triangle, I packed his bags and told him to go to her.......no more fence sitting at the expense of my health and well being. I deserved better than that.
Timbo, you do have choices here. You can put up with her treatment of you, her seeing an OM whilst still married to you or you can knock her off her fence. The choice is yours. Just remember you deserve better than to wait around whilst your wife decides what she wants to do. Come on now, don't you count at all????????
Thanks again for the replies. It all seems so simple when it's written here - just wish I could make it so straight forward in my head!
I know everyone who goes through this must think "My situation's different, my wife isn't like everyone else" and I'm the same I guess. I honestly believe that my wife's head is in a real mess right now and the excitement and fantasy of the EA isn't helping at all. I think that if we got through this she'd look back and cringe about what has happened. I know that she's not a bad person and I really think she had her head turned by a certain kind of man at a time when things in our marriage were at a bit of a low point and our jobs had meant that we hadn't spent enough time with each other.
Part of me knows that it's not fair of her to drag things on like this and it does seem like she's keeping all her options open but another part of me is worried about pushing her into a decision while she's not thinking straight. She says things every so often like "thanks for giving me the chance to make the right decision".
My wife's friend has told me that she has tried to end things with the OM but he talks her round each time - he currently is risking nothing and getting all the benefits of the attention of a beautiful married woman. He's got no reason to give it up.
Maybe an ultimatum would be the way to go though; like someone said, all it's really doing is expediting the decision. Obviously I'm just worried that she'd make the "wrong" decision which is of course not what I want; but also I think in the long run would end up with her being hurt by the OM.
One of the most frustrating things is that if this were one of her friends in the situation that she's in, my wife would tell the friend to "stop being so stupid" "grow up and let this fling go" and "can't you see you're being used and ruining your marriage". Seems like she's too wrapped up in the thrill of the EA.
Right now she is playing games with you and those games aren't going to end any time soon because you are playing right along with her. She has her sights on another man but because he has a gf, she's playing the waiting game for him. You, well, you are on the back burner if things don't work out with her new fella. Your best bet in all this is to tell the gf. Expose the affair. As soon as the affair comes out of the dark and into the light, the sooner your suffering will end. You will then have the knowledge about what has really been going on and what you need to do about it.
Don't fall for it's just an emotional affair. She has left you. She is at her mums. She is not with you. Gives her plenty of time to be with the OM, and they aren't just chit chatting.
__________________ you've been too gone for too long, now it's too late to come back home-------randy travis
This has all left me feeling pretty rotten as you’d expect. The main problem is I’m so confused. I get real mixed messages about how she’s feeling – one minute she’s talking about plans for Christmas together, the next minute she doesn’t want me holding her hand. I wonder whether she really has tried to break things off with this other man or whether she’s just telling me that. I don’t know if I’m being a pushover or just need to get on with things. In my wife’s defence, she does look like she’s about to have a breakdown and I don’t think she’s stringing me along vindictively.
Any advice or comments would be most welcome – I feel pretty low on sanity right now.
Timbo... You feel like absolute crap, because your letting her treat you like crap! Stop it.
Your letting her emotionally ride the fence and string you along. It's time you just got a definite answer from her so you can know whether you want to move on or give this a shot.
Man up! Tell her to stop all contact with this joker and start working on the marriage... or you will stop all contact with her... and mail divorce papers.
Women will string you along forever if you let them. If you force her to make a hard choice... then you will see who she really cares about. Chances are it's you, but even if it's him... you just saved yourself years of emotional turmoil.
Women will string you along forever if you let them.
Women only?. I didn't know this is gender specific? I could have sworn many men have done the same....I think there are many stories about that somewhere.....
Women only?. I didn't know this is gender specific? I could have sworn many men have done the same....I think there are many stories about that somewhere.....
I didn't say anything about men. The guy married a woman, so I don't see how male tendencies matter in this situation.
For the record though, men tend to do the same thing, but in a very different way.
The guy she’s involved with I know from University and is well known for being a charmer with the ladies but also well known for his infidelity (he is currently with a girlfriend who knows nothing about this affair). My wife says he makes her feel special and attractive and confident. She swears that nothing physical has happened although at times I find this hard to believe.
You cant believe it because it isn't true!
Quote:
Originally Posted by timbo1
Unfortunately, things hadn’t really moved on very much in the last 4 weeks. She has spent the last 2 weeks at her mum’s house (only a few miles away) as she said she needs to clear her head and wants to miss me a bit. We’ve made an effort to spend some time together and have gone for a few meals out and gone to the theatre etc. When we’ve done these things we’ve had a good time and has generally ended with her coming back to our house for the night.
Pretty lame excuse, at her mums...
Quote:
Originally Posted by timbo1
But she still kept saying that she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to have a go at saving our marriage. I would say things like “the only way we’ll find out whether we can make eachother happy is to give things a real go for a few months, and then see how we feel” and she’d accept that this was the right thing to do but wasn’t able or willing to stop contact with this other guy. There are still daily SMS and I know for sure they met for dinner a couple of weeks ago. All through I said I would wait for as long as I could for her to make a decision but that I couldn’t hold on forever as the not knowing was too painful.
If it were my wife here, I would give the ultimatum. Obviously she is a cake eater and you are the crumb.
Unless the spouse is remorseful and wants to recommit to marriage a NC letter has no value.
The cheater will simply contact their affair partner after and tell them that they did it to appease their spouse.
If your wife is not into recovery completely, and demonstrate this with action.....forget the NC letter.
You need to adhere to the advise of showing strength and not being a doormat or 2nd choice. Otherwise, she feels that you will take her back even if she continues her affair.....but you won't .....RIGHT!
She needs to feel this. Threatening divorce will not do anything IMHO. She does not believe that you will especially due to your past behavior.
Have the discussion. Make your points emphatically. If you do not see a HUGE desire to recover immediately....file asap.
You have a greater chance of keeping your wife if you file and knock her off the fence.
If she does NOT get knocked off the fence, well you have your answer. That would mean that your wife is NOT willing to give up an affair to save your marriage.....something you don't want.
Needed to let you all know what happened this morning when I talked to my wife about our situation. I'm currently even more confused than before and need to hear whether you think this is normal or if I'm in more trouble than I'd imagined.
I told my wife this morning that we needed to talk. I made all the points I had planned to like how I wasn't prepared to carry on being treated the way I was, and that she needed to either commit to our marriage and go NC with the OM or I'd get a divorse. I thought I held it together well!
My wife then took the wind out of my sails a little. She told me that she'd met with the OM on Thursday and told him that they couldn't keep contacting eachother and she was going to try and save our marriage. No more texts, emails, phone calls or meetings. This was obviously good to hear and was really the first time she'd said that she did want to make our marriage work. (Whether he'll back off or in not is another thing but not much I can do about that at the moment)
But... she said again how distant she felt from me and how she wasn't sure that we'd be able to sort things out even if we tried. She feels like she's fallen out of love with me and can't just pretend that she feels otherwise. SHe thought that we'd just end up in our old habits and seperate lives and didn't think I'd really be able to make her as happy as she felt with the OM.
It was a real kick in the teeth to hear that - even though sh'ed said most of it before . I think I expected her to bit a bit more enthusiastic about working things out between us. Instead it basically felt like she was saying that she didn't think we'd end up being happy in our marriage but giving it a go was the "right" thing to do.
Am I expecting too much? Should I be grateful that we've finally taken that first step? It just feels like she's going through the motions.
She's stalling for time. Time for her to find out if her and her new fella are going places. Maybe he's married? She will be hiding her A more than ever now. She's not ready to end things with you at this point but soon, maybe next month or a few months, but soon, it's all being planned.
Take the control away from her. You got the ILYBNILWY. Be tough, stick to your guns. Give her a real taste of life without you. She's in dreamland, time for her to wake up.
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. I didn't know this is gender specific? I could have sworn many men have done the same....I think there are many stories about that somewhere....
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Hybrid Mode
