[bloggervenus]

Your parents tell you “Make sure he comes from a good family. Does he love you for who you really are? Is he committed and trust worthy? Can you guys communicate well? Do you share the same goals and dreams? Do you have the same worldview? Are you on the same page when it comes to religion or political views? Are you good friends? Do you have the same hobbies? Is he kind and caring? Do you think he will be a good father?”

The man I married has all of those. He is kind and caring, not just towards me, but towards the entire universe. He has very little ego, and is innocent like a child. He gets excited about little things and jumps up and down like a little boy when something good happens. He is the person I try to be in many ways. I love how he is able to live in the moment. I on the other hand am constantly worried about -and planning for- the future. I love how he is able to forgive himself if he fails in something. I tend to criticize and torture myself for the smallest less than perfect action or thought, let alone a failure. I love how he always smiles and is in a happy mood. I never have to worry about cheering him up or getting him out of a bad mood.

My husband is a very mature human being. He is open to things and ideas, does not judge people for what they believe in or what they do or don’t do, and lends a helping hand to everyone without expecting anything in return. He has been there for me through ups and downs. Like when I was in school and had to fight a big battle with my senior supervisor who wasn’t letting me graduate, or when my dad was very sick and our family was going through hell. He was there for me when I had trouble with a colleague at work who was stealing my ideas. He consoled me when I got laid off and patiently listened to my complaints while I was looking for a new one. He was there for me when I was getting my graduate degree and was hardly at home or spending any time with him. When I got severely depressed and needed professional help, he was very understanding and helped me get through it. He loves me, tells me that I am pretty and have a great body, and supports me in whatever I decide to do.

Doesn’t he sound like a perfect man? Wouldn’t you want to have a husband like that?
Then, why don’t I?

Is it because I have too much of a good thing and my critical mind wants to find a flaw in it? Is it because I am just an unhappy person always focusing on what is missing? Or is it because in my early thirties, I finally have enough self confidence to confess, “I am not -and never was- in love with my husband and I want and deserve to be in love”?

You see I never liked his looks or his body. I never liked the way he walked and talked. There was never any chemistry between us. His boyish and innocent behavior used to make me feel like I needed to protect him. I never liked the way his friends treated him. It felt like they did not take him seriously, and he was too good to even notice that. I made it my mission to protect him, like a mother would. You see, he has all these ideas about business ventures, scientific experiments, books he wants to write, or movies he wants to make, and none of them have yet been implemented. Naturally, no one takes his stories seriously any more. Over the years I have also learned to tune out when he talks about his next wonderful grant proposal or exceptional business plan. If I take them seriously, I set myself up for big disappointments. Unfortunately I have lost faith in his ability to make anything happen.

I have been the sole breadwinner of our family since we got married. It is 7 years now! He was a PHD student for the first 6 years, and has been working on his startup company during the past year. He started a company the first year we got married. It failed miserably leaving us in huge debt (which I paid off eventually). He found some good real estate investment deals for us and with my credit we bought, renovated, rented, and sold those places and made some good money. He is really proud of his achievements with those deals as they have increased our net worth. He does not believe it is any less credit to him that I was actually the one who paid the down payments and mortgages for those investments.

I want to separate from my husband. I do not know if I will ever be able to find a man as good as him, but I am tired of living with someone I do not love or trust. I respect him as a human being and as a friend, but I don’t respect him as a man. He doesn’t make me feel womanly, feminine, and cherished. I want to feel protected in the arms of my partner. I want a powerful man with a successful career, whom I admire and trust. I want to be in love.

Funny, isn’ t it? I married a man who had all the characteristics that my parents told me were important, and yet I am not happy. He IS my best friend, he IS kind and caring, we DO share the same interests and hobbies. Nevertheless (and despite my constant efforts), I do not desire him. And unfortunately, what I have is not good enough anymore. Seven years ago, I was naïve and adamant to not let my heart ruin my life! But the heart’s desire eventually raises its head, no matter how long you try to bury it.

Someone said to me the other day, “Maybe you shouldn’t marry someone you can live with. Maybe you should marry someone you desire so much that you can’t live without”. Maybe...

Would love to hear your thoughts.