Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
I have convincing evidence that supports my theory that a persons past behavior only sometimes indicates future behavior.
My girlfriend cheated on me a total of 4 times and each time she expected our relationship to be over. The fourth time is the reason we are broke up now.
But unfortunatly alot of our relationship stayed the same. I could have done some things diferently and she could have too.
So I believe actualy that a person who cheats does so for a reason not because they will just naturaly do the same thing.
If I do not respond to the needs of my mate then expect someonelse to do so.
This does not make it right but each person deals with a relationship diferently.
Say for instance, if my girlfriend told me I was not being romantic enough or not telling her know how special she is . Eventualy she will run across someone who pays her attention and she gets that urge. If I do not change the behavior she does'nt like, I can expect her to take action that fills her needs.
I say people who cheat are flawed, stupid , selfish, have no standards morals or are cowards. I am not a cheater but aparently I dont learn from the past.
I guess many will disagree but I'm a firm believer there are two types of cheaters.
There is the type that's the premeditated, consistent cheat like your ex-H. These types of cheaters can't help their behavior almost like it's an compulsion, do it time and time again, and find justification for their behavior.
Then there's the cheaters that do it the one time, almost always because they are hurting and in a bad relationship. They feel a lot of guilt after the cheating and don't want to do it again.
Your ex was the first type, you're the second type. The statment in the OP applies to him, not you. Any human being in a bad situation will do bad things.
I bet if I put all the people in this forum in a position where they would either starve to death or kill a man, MOST would kill a man after starving for some time. It's human nature to do extreme things in extreme situations.
I guess many will disagree but I'm a firm believer there are two types of cheaters.
There is the type that's the premeditated, consistent cheat like your ex-H. These types of cheaters can't help their behavior almost like it's an compulsion, do it time and time again, and find justification for their behavior.
Then there's the cheaters that do it the one time, almost always because they are hurting and in a bad relationship. They feel a lot of guilt after the cheating and don't want to do it again.
Your ex was the first type, you're the second type. The statment in the OP applies to him, not you. Any human being in a bad situation will do bad things.
I bet if I put all the people in this forum in a position where they would either starve to death or kill a man, MOST would kill a man after starving for some time. It's human nature to do extreme things in extreme situations.
Don't worry.
I see what you're saying here - and I agree that there is certainly a difference between something that is done completely unprompted versus something that is done in a reactionary/retaliatory manner. and I also agree with you that she is probably not any more likely to cheat in her next relationship than anyone else, and that she probably is not, and never will be, the first type of person that you described.
However, as I stated earlier, my problem is that she could have gotten out of her situation in a lot of other ways than she did. Your analogy of starving to death versus killing a man would only be accurate if her only two options were to continue to get treated crappy or cheat herself - and that was not the case. you don't need to starve OR kill a man if you can simply leave the proverbial deserted island at will. She could have ended the relationship anytime that she wanted - and if she felt the need to exact revenge, she could have also done that in many ways other than cheating. I know that if I were in that situation I'd be out with another girl ASAP - AFTER I had broken off my marriage.
let's put it this way - if I shot a guy who shot someone close to me, would my behavior be more justifiable? probably. would that mean that I'm the type of person that would start killing for sport? probably not. am I still a murderer? yup.
Last edited by AAlike; 3rd November 2009 at 12:05 PM..
I see what you're saying here - and I agree that there is certainly a difference between something that is done completely unprompted versus something that is done in a reactionary/retaliatory manner. and I also agree with you that she is probably not any more likely to cheat in her next relationship than anyone else, and that she probably is not, and never will be, the first type of person that you described.
That is exactly what got me when I read the initial post. She handled the situation very poorly, which speaks to being way too passive aggressive and insecure.
Also, the amount of effort she puts into trying to make her actions seem justifiable is not a good sign either.
Personally, I would not make any sort of commitment to her in a relationship. She seems like the ticking time bomb type that would do something horrible to you 10 years down the road.
I wouldn't because I think it depends on the person who the other person is with on whether or not they will cheat. I say this from experience because although I cheated on my ex repeatedly (and he openly cheated on me emotionally pretty much from the get go), I never cheated on anyone else. Was it wrong? Yes, but at least I owned up to my mistakes. On the other hand, I would never cheat on my current boyfriend because he's a much better guy than my ex and treats me alot better. So I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Unless of course the guy is just a bonafide player, then all bets are off.
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I came into this world with nothing, and I leave this world with nothing but love...Everything else is just borrowed. - The Streets
So back to the original question - would you discard a possible relationship with somebody if they admitted to cheating in their past - regardless of their reasons or level of contrition?
If I found out someone has cheated, it would put me off big time. Lets say I was dating someone and they told me they had cheated in past relationships, I'd definitely let them know that it didn't sit well with me and that how would I know they wouldn't cheat on me.
then the relationship would just naturally fizzle out for me and it would end soon after.
It would always depend for me. I've cheated, I wouldn't ever do it again. I made a terrible choice. I wouldn't want that record to taint every relationship I may enter, granted, I'd expect them to be more wary of me, but people must remember that people change, it's not always so black and white.
Soul Search to be honest with you, I would be concerned if I were a potential suitor of yours and I heard your story...not because I would be concerned that you'd cheat on me in an otherwise good relationship - I get that you obviously were under extenuating circumstances and that your relationship was probably coming to a close anyway.
my problem would be that you felt that you stuck around in a crappy situation for 4 years and needed to do this in order to "make yourself get off of your ass" - you say "after years of lying and abuse I made a choice" - which, unfortunately, was not to tell him to F off and leave, but was to stoop to his level. and the second and third paragraphs of your post really seem to be justifying this choice.
That's the thing with cheating - I completely disagree with the analogy of it being like an addiction. I suppose that there are "serial cheaters", but I think that most of them are simply just scumbags, not really "addicted" to cheating. In most cases, however, people that have cheated have done so not because they just couldn't resist temptation, rather it is their way of "striking back" when their relationship begins to go sour or they feel unloved/underappreciated. The cheating itself is almost incidental - they do it to make a statement. It's the ultimate manifestation of passive-aggressive behavior, which has no place in relationships.
and that would be my reservation about dating you - I wouldn't be thinking "oh god I can't leave her alone with a guy or who knows what would happen" - but I would be worried that if the relationship got difficult in any way (which 99.9% of them do) that your passive-aggressive behavior would show up in some way, whether cheating or otherwise, instead of you being able to stand up to me or confront me.
SSC, when two people are starting a new relationship, they are trying to understand what makes their new SO tick. The majority of the information that they will get is necessarily about past experiences, preferences. After finding out about these past experiences or preferences, then the person has something to base their decision on, whether to continue the relationship, or end it. An example would be if one person really hates living in the country and the other wants to live in the country, it probably won't work. If you have cheated in the past, then I would explain the reasons why, to your new SO. If he/she excepts these reasons and chooses to continue, you are good to go. But I would make sure that he/she knows that it was a one-time thing , NEVER, EVER, to be repeated.
If I found out someone has cheated, it would put me off big time. Lets say I was dating someone and they told me they had cheated in past relationships, I'd definitely let them know that it didn't sit well with me and that how would I know they wouldn't cheat on me.
then the relationship would just naturally fizzle out for me and it would end soon after.
I've had other relationships where I had zero interest in cheating at all. It's not in my character. So what if it was ONE - not ALL of the ones they ever had? This was a one and only event.
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Originally Posted by AAlike
and that would be my reservation about dating you - I wouldn't be thinking "oh god I can't leave her alone with a guy or who knows what would happen" - but I would be worried that if the relationship got difficult in any way (which 99.9% of them do) that your passive-aggressive behavior would show up in some way, whether cheating or otherwise, instead of you being able to stand up to me or confront me.
I totally hear what you're saying, AA, and thank you for being honest and sharing that. I didn't just "put up" with his behavior for 4 years without calling him on it. I put 4 years of busting my tail into this man with no results. It was my first (and only) marriage - I didn't want to admit defeat. So by the time I did what I did, I was utterly broken and defeated. I guess in my own mind, it was kind of like doing hard battle for a long time, realizing it was a complete waste of time, and committing suicide to get it over with - it was going to die anyway.
But again - I do hear what you're saying and I appreciate your POV. Very interesting. Thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by boldjack
SSC, when two people are starting a new relationship, they are trying to understand what makes their new SO tick. The majority of the information that they will get is necessarily about past experiences, preferences. After finding out about these past experiences or preferences, then the person has something to base their decision on, whether to continue the relationship, or end it. An example would be if one person really hates living in the country and the other wants to live in the country, it probably won't work. If you have cheated in the past, then I would explain the reasons why, to your new SO. If he/she excepts these reasons and chooses to continue, you are good to go. But I would make sure that he/she knows that it was a one-time thing , NEVER, EVER, to be repeated.
Agreed. I'm not worried about being rejected by a future SO. I was curious what the consensus was in general out of morbid curiosity (I don't know why - I seem to like being the cat that gets killed by curiosity). I've gotten to a point in my life where if a man is going to reject me for whatever reason, then there's a good reason for it - we're simply not compatible and I have no reason to feel bad about that.
Yes I would have to eject them from my life. I was cheated on 3 weeks before my wedding many years ago (which I had the added bonus of walking in on) and it affected me on ways I never imagined it would.
But regardless, even if they tried to give me an explanation of circumstances of cheating I wouldn't listen to it.
At that point in my mind, that person could never be fully trusted and I would not want to risk it. Excuses(much like opinions on internet forums..lol) are like rectums...everyone has one and they all stink.
It took me nearly 20 years to be able to get to a point where I trusted a woman enough even become exclusive and I got burned a second time. So yeah if I actually posed that question to somebody I was interested in if the answer was yes I'd delete them from my life without batting an eye. I know that sounds downright sad but I refuse to risk getting burned a third time
I've had other relationships where I had zero interest in cheating at all. It's not in my character. So what if it was ONE - not ALL of the ones they ever had? This was a one and only event.
dunno...it would be hard to say until I am presented with that.
but what I do know is if I found out someone had cheated even once....as harmfulsweetz said, I'd be wary of them. My guard is up, but if I find out that someone has cheated, the guard would be up and my emotions would be in check for a long time if I were to consider them for long term.
but I definitely would be put off by the revelation.
I agree. It does depend, when I told my current SO I cheated in the past (ok, it was only a two week R, and well, we saw each other once in that time, so not exactly serious) he was unsure of me. He said it didn't really prove I was trustworthy, but as I've said, once he realised how not serious the R was at the time, (I wasn't sure it was one until he had a go) but it will always make someone uncertain. Had my bf told me he had done the same thing, I'd have been unsure. It is sometimes a predictor, I'm not saying once a cheat, always a cheat, I believe people change, they grow. But if you are susceptible once, you can be susceptible twice. It's just more likely. Sort of like someone who is convicted of robbing an old lady, they get out, they may have no intention of repeating the crime, but that doesn't mean people shouldn't wary of them. They should, they are more prone to that. Extreme example I know, but our personalities, traits, emotions etc are governed by our actions. So if you found yourself in a bad situation and cheated to get out of said bad situation, then chances are, the next bad situation you get in will be the same thing. However, you may have stopped yourself in the error of your ways, and seriously changed.
I've heard this before. On this board, but then also other places. I've read and heard of people asking someone they are dating if they have EVER cheated on a SO and if the answer is "yes," they walk away from that person - positive that they WILL cheat again. Would their reasons and level of contrition make any difference in your judgment of them?
The reason I ask is this. I was in a 4-year marriage where he REPEATEDLY cheated. Now, I don't mean physically. All the stuff he did was online and/or phone. He also had some EAs that I'm aware of. He always got caught. He kept doing it. Nearing my breaking point with him, 4 years of heartache and emotional abuse and lies...I made a choice. Partially, it was to lash back at him, but also partly it was to make MYSELF get off my ass and get out of the relationship. But anyway - I ended up cheating on him. I met up with a guy and had a physical encounter. I was only able to do it once before the guilt ate me alive and I told my H. (And by the way - we were sleeping in separate bedrooms at this point already...and had spoken of divorce.)
He was clearly hurt. But you know what? He gave me permission to keep doing whatever I wanted. Which was truly the point at which I said I was done with him - to be okay with sharing his W like that just made me realize how value-less I was to him. I will say there is ONE good thing that came out of that event. He told me that he had been cheated on in his first marriage and ever since then had been cheating on every woman he had had in his life...but not a one of them cheated on him. By having it occur in our marriage, he FINALLY saw the damage and hurt that he was causing.
Anyway - I'm not looking for anybody to validate me. I'm at peace with what I did. I'm not proud of it (the only part I'm proud of is reclaiming my power). If you want to bash on me for cheating, go for it. It's not a weak point in my self-worth due to the fact that I feel I paid the price, I did a lot of self-work, and I have forgiven myself. Please try to stick to the purpose of the post. I only gave my story as an example - not as the point of the post.
So back to the original question - would you discard a possible relationship with somebody if they admitted to cheating in their past - regardless of their reasons or level of contrition?
How exactly did your ex-husband cheat if nothing "physical" happened between he and another woman? Your story makes it sound like you slept with someone else, but he didn't.
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I'm not worried about being rejected by a future SO. I was curious what the consensus was in general out of morbid curiosity (I don't know why - I seem to like being the cat that gets killed by curiosity). I've gotten to a point in my life where if a man is going to reject me for whatever reason, then there's a good reason for it - we're simply not compatible and I have no reason to feel bad about that.
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