Curious for others out there questioning the love in their marriage. I am having a hard time pinpointing exactly when it vansihed, and I tend to think that it didn't just up one day and leave.
If it occured over time, then it was slow, but now in my mind I can't even think of when it started and when I fully realized just how far away it had slipped.
Proposed - kid 1, kid 2, parent died, parent died, career change...here I am. 100% certain I am not in love with my wife. 100% certain I love my children.
For the members out there, was there a specific trigger that started the point in your life when you felt like you were drifting away from your spouse? Or was it a long drawn process?
How long have you been married? Are you in counseling?
I believe my H and drifted apart emotionally over several years. During the first several years of our M, we traveled often, dated often, and focused on preparing for our future. We had many social outlets, some mutual, some with same sex friends. We built our dream home and welcomed our first child shortly after. That is when it all began to change. He accepted a new position at work which brought more stress and required more traveling. We had less of a social life, less dating, less traveling, and more responsibilities. Baby #2 arrives and our lives are consumed with laundry, diapers, work, and more. We started spending less quality time together and stress and fatigue were forever present. We were emotionally disconnected.
A year after baby#2 arrived, I began having an A with a long time friend and it lasted a year. Our spouses found out, now we are in MC trying to reconcile. We have increased our dating and quality time. Made changes like working less hours and hiring a cleaning service. I still love my H, but in counseling with hopes of creating and regaining excitement and intimacy.
agreed – you don't mention how long you've been married or what steps y'all have taken to address those needs.
DH and I haven't hit the kinds of crises y'all mention (kids, affairs), but after being together nearly 20 years, i can guarantee, it's not all smooth sailing! There are days we cannot stand each other, that we ... well, I ... question why I'm even there I don't feel anything for him, but then something comes along to help me reevaluate why I feel this way. One book that's recently made a HUGE impact on the way I view our relationship is "The Five Love Languages," which talks about partners' differing styles of expressing love to each other. Me and him are COMPLETELY different, and on the outset, seemingly incredibly incompatible. However, the book gives food for thought in how proactively approaching and loving your partner can bring about change, and ultimately, the results you want if the other person feels he/she has a vested interest in the relationship.
look, life is gonna lob a whole lotta fast-balls at you, but there's no law that says you can't duck or even learn to respond differently. Right now, you're focused on what's making you miserable, and that's a natural reaction. But also remember you also have the option to DO something to bring about the change you want to see. The question is, how quickly are you willing to get past the misery and start proactively working on your marriage?
you might not find the answers you want, but you will find what you seek ...
what specifically worked for us was a marriage enrichment weekend, which gave us the tools to use when working on our marriage. Even my husband will tell you it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage, and he was dragging his feet the whole time we were going through the weekend!
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
OMG! These are the hardest years of your life right now! Please do not give up on the relationship yet!
There is no job in the world more stressful than raising babies AND providing for them with a stressful job!
As you learn and grow to be a family, BOTH of your personal needs get placed on a back burner, and unless it is talked about....LOVINGLY... the resentments that build can be huge!
If you can't communicate without resentment, go see a MC.
Without mutual respect and consideration for the hard work BOTH of you are doing now....love can die.
We both go to IC and MC to learn how to identify what our unmet needs are and how to KINDLY communicate them and to listen, really listen to each other.
The anger, distance and resentment grew so great, he had an affair and I threw him out. It was a huge and hurtful turning point.
We have learned we never stopped loving each other, we just stopped respecting each other.
It absolutely kills me when someone says they still love their spouse after an affair...yeah, well apparently not that much. There is no circumstance under which I could forgive my wife for an affair. Bags on the porch...have a nice life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spoiled
How long have you been married? Are you in counseling?
I believe my H and drifted apart emotionally over several years. During the first several years of our M, we traveled often, dated often, and focused on preparing for our future. We had many social outlets, some mutual, some with same sex friends. We built our dream home and welcomed our first child shortly after. That is when it all began to change. He accepted a new position at work which brought more stress and required more traveling. We had less of a social life, less dating, less traveling, and more responsibilities. Baby #2 arrives and our lives are consumed with laundry, diapers, work, and more. We started spending less quality time together and stress and fatigue were forever present. We were emotionally disconnected.
A year after baby#2 arrived, I began having an A with a long time friend and it lasted a year. Our spouses found out, now we are in MC trying to reconcile. We have increased our dating and quality time. Made changes like working less hours and hiring a cleaning service. I still love my H, but in counseling with hopes of creating and regaining excitement and intimacy.
Is the reason you feel that way because your wife is already denying you love? I would also struggle with the idea that she would give love to a stranger when she denies it to her husband.
If on the other hand your wife loves you and loved you sexually and for some crazy reason she strayed. I don't know - my wife is religious. I would mainly feel sad for her - she would feel guilty the rest of her life. I would forgive her though. I love her too much to end it over one mistake. Even a big one. And no - I have never cheated and no plans to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparty97
It absolutely kills me when someone says they still love their spouse after an affair...yeah, well apparently not that much. There is no circumstance under which I could forgive my wife for an affair. Bags on the porch...have a nice life.
when my wife told she didn't love me like she used to (you know, at the beginning)... maybe a couple of years ago? I was shocked - been together nearly 25 years - and I've been slowly falling out of love with her, as a consequence...
I'm big into relationship books and stumbled upon a book about this very thing that I'm knee-deep into right now called "Why Men Fall Out of Love." There are all kinds of reasons. I find the reading absolutely fascinating and it's interesting to see the male POV about a relationship that's falling apart. It's a male author that has interviewed men about failed relationships and compiled the stories together in groups based on the reasons for falling out of love. Then at the end of those "groups," he gives ways to combat that particular downfall.
I'm not sure if it's something that can be reversed after it has already happened. I can't remember if I read it on here, or in the book - some man saying that men CAN fall back in love, but once a woman turns that off to you - it's over.
But I would also be curious to know if you've been in MC with your wife or if you two have at least talked about it.
Is the reason you feel that way because your wife is already denying you love? I would also struggle with the idea that she would give love to a stranger when she denies it to her husband.
If on the other hand your wife loves you and loved you sexually and for some crazy reason she strayed. I don't know - my wife is religious. I would mainly feel sad for her - she would feel guilty the rest of her life. I would forgive her though. I love her too much to end it over one mistake. Even a big one. And no - I have never cheated and no plans to.
I struggle to understand the guys that stick with their wives after an affair. They really seem like spineless wimps to me.
I think that these guys get cheated on because their wives know that they are spineless losers. It's hard for them not to take advantage of a guy like that.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I would write off 21 years together, 3 kids, way more good times then bad for one giant mistake. I just don't think so. I guess part of it has to do with patterns. There is no pattern of me feeling taken advantage of, no pattern of me feeling ill treated and lied to. So I would actually see this as a total outlier if it happened.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Untouchable_Fire
I struggle to understand the guys that stick with their wives after an affair. They really seem like spineless wimps to me.
I think that these guys get cheated on because their wives know that they are spineless losers. It's hard for them not to take advantage of a guy like that.
I highly recommend the book Five Love Languages. The author lays out the phases of love really nicely - my husband found it "right on" and we sent it to a friend of his who was going thru his second divorce.
Being "In Love" with our spouse is the first "phase" of love, if you will, but it is not love itself. It doesn't last but should develop into a deeper, mature bond. The author explains how when those feelings fade (I think between 3-7 years) that's when people often have problems.
You have gone thru a lot in the last few years. Many changes which make it hard to tend to the work of marriage. Often what we are doing for our relationship isn't what our spouses needs - it's what we need. So we get frustrated. That's why I think the Love Languages book is so cool, it helps you figure out what you/your spouses love languages are.
Yesterday someone on the boards recommended "His Needs Her Needs" to me. I've ordered it and am looking forward to reading it. Apparently the author has taken a lot of the concepts from the 5 Love Languages book. The author says he helps people fall back in love with their spouses - even when it seems impossible!
Did the physical part die due to rejection, due to loss of attractiveness, or to conflict in the marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevinconner
Curious for others out there questioning the love in their marriage. I am having a hard time pinpointing exactly when it vansihed, and I tend to think that it didn't just up one day and leave.
If it occured over time, then it was slow, but now in my mind I can't even think of when it started and when I fully realized just how far away it had slipped.
Proposed - kid 1, kid 2, parent died, parent died, career change...here I am. 100% certain I am not in love with my wife. 100% certain I love my children.
For the members out there, was there a specific trigger that started the point in your life when you felt like you were drifting away from your spouse? Or was it a long drawn process?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Hybrid Mode
