It's a different case if it was a cheater bragging on how he/she likes doing it, states how they got no remorse nor feelings for it and is not even seeking advice, then ok call them all the names you want to. But if they asked for what can they do, why not listen to the story?
for the WS's that have told their story and wanted to make it right, I'll still give them my opinion that the BS would be better off without them and maybe they should do them a favor.
but then in cases of posts like that I will go on to tell them that there are certain things that a BS is going to expect and deserves from the WS IF the WS wants to try to "save" the marriage.
but if they sit there and tell us that they can't give up their AP, or sit there and tell the story of how wonderful the OW/OM is and that they will always hold them dear to their hearts.....sorry, all bets are off. One of the things a WS should do if they want to "save" their marriage is to give their whole heart back to the BS. And if part of their heart belongs to someone else, then that is something the BS shouldn't have to settle or stand for.
In other words, they ask BS's their opinions on what they can do and what BS expect....and as a former BS, I tell them. I know that I didn't stay with my WS, but if I had stayed, I'd tell them what I'd expect.
They want to get inside the minds of BS's to find out what they are thinking......and we are telling them. Every BS is different, but unless they hear what more than likely is running through their own betrayed spouses' head, they have no idea how to proceed from there.
Their side? Fair enough, there are things a BS needs to do in the process too. But it still doesn't change the fact, in most cases, that one went outside the marriage, and the other one did not. Both spouses are responsible for the state of their marriage, but only one, again in most cases, chose to create a huge imbalance in the marriage by going outside the marriage. So that is the problem when trying to see.."their side".
They can work on the marriage, but the problem still remains....one of them went out and screwed someone else, in most cases. there isn't anything that can undo that, nor anything that will erase it from the BS's mind. It will always be a scar....they can heal, but a scar nonetheless remains.
for the WS's that have told their story and wanted to make it right, I'll still give them my opinion that the BS would be better off without them and maybe they should do them a favor.
but then in cases of posts like that I will go on to tell them that there are certain things that a BS is going to expect and deserves from the WS IF the WS wants to try to "save" the marriage.
but if they sit there and tell us that they can't give up their AP, or sit there and tell the story of how wonderful the OW/OM is and that they will always hold them dear to their hearts.....sorry, all bets are off. One of the things a WS should do if they want to "save" their marriage is to give their whole heart back to the BS. And if part of their heart belongs to someone else, then that is something the BS shouldn't have to settle or stand for.
In other words, they ask BS's their opinions on what they can do and what BS expect....and as a former BS, I tell them. I know that I didn't stay with my WS, but if I had stayed, I'd tell them what I'd expect.
They want to get inside the minds of BS's to find out what they are thinking......and we are telling them. Every BS is different, but unless they hear what more than likely is running through their own betrayed spouses' head, they have no idea how to proceed from there.
Their side? Fair enough, there are things a BS needs to do in the process too. But it still doesn't change the fact, in most cases, that one went outside the marriage, and the other one did not. Both spouses are responsible for the state of their marriage, but only one, again in most cases, chose to create a huge imbalance in the marriage by going outside the marriage. So that is the problem when trying to see.."their side".
They can work on the marriage, but the problem still remains....one of them went out and screwed someone else, in most cases. there isn't anything that can undo that, nor anything that will erase it from the BS's mind. It will always be a scar....they can heal, but a scar nonetheless remains.
It's true, most of you want to hear the BS side of the story and will support him/her but if WS writes their story and is seeking on some help as to what can they do, most of you all want to do is vent out your frustration and not listen to it or keep lecturing ''If you love him/her, then you wouldn't do it, you don't love them''.
Because it's true. Maybe a cheater believes that you can love someone and cheat on them at the same time. Who knows, maybe they actually consider this to be possible. I think they are mentally ill.
Quote:
Originally Posted by samsungxoxo
Lastly if I was a WS seeking help and you vent out on me calling me names, talking about your cheating experience, my reply would be ''Does it look like I care, I only want to know what can I do, not your stupid story''...
It's the reply I would expect, hence I hardly ever post in such threads.
Quote:
Originally Posted by samsungxoxo
It's a different case if it was a cheater bragging on how he/she likes doing it, states how they got no remorse nor feelings for it and is not even seeking advice, then ok call them all the names you want to. But if they asked for what can they do, why not listen to the story?
The answer to that depends on how you view cheating.
They cheated! That is all that matters. There is simply no reason that would justify cheating. Hence, there is no point to listen to what they have to say about why they did it. That is what I believe.
The only thing to tell them is that they need to come clean with their SO. His or her opinion is the only one that matters.
If a cheater refuses to be honest about it with their partner, they are nothing but cowardly traitors who deserve no mercy.
Can I also add that there have been many WSs that post nasty things to the BSs here and about their own BSs? I've seen WSs say something like "it figures you'd say that since you were cheated on". This isn't a person looking for help. THey are looking for some type of validation for their reasons for cheating. Or they are just looking for like-minded individuals. There are a few here, but they don't post nasty things about the person they are cheating on.
__________________ "Don't tear down a fence until you know why it was put up." ~ African proverb
Can I also add that there have been many WSs that post nasty things to the BSs here and about their own BSs? I've seen WSs say something like "it figures you'd say that since you were cheated on". This isn't a person looking for help. THey are looking for some type of validation for their reasons for cheating. Or they are just looking for like-minded individuals. There are a few here, but they don't post nasty things about the person they are cheating on.
True but the BS is the one who mainly must have started the argument. I mean, after all the name calling and insulting them when they have not attacked you once then they have off course already lost their patience....
It makes sense if I'm asking for help and suggestions on what to do, answer my question instead of flaming me or telling me how I shouldn't have done it, blah, blah, blah.... It's done already period, no point in going back in time nor crying over spilled milk...
__________________
Don't live your life with regrets but live your life to the fullest......
[QUOTE=Stockalone;] They cheated! That is all that matters. There is simply no reason that would justify cheating. Hence, there is no point to listen to what they have to say about why they did it. That is what I believe. The only thing to tell them is that they need to come clean with their SO. His or her opinion is the only one that matters. If a cheater refuses to be honest about it with their partner, they are nothing but cowardly traitors who deserve no mercy.[/QUOTE]
So, if I am honest with my BS, I would guess that means that I'm not a cowardly traitor, I would just be a traitor. Hmmm. You know, your right!
But its that distinction betweeen remorseful WS's and the non-remorseful WS's that creates this issue of being fair to those WS's who post.
That to me is what this is about. IMHO, I believe that most of the WS's who post here are posting because they are remorseful and sorry and ashamed over their actions. For a remorseful WS, there is a giant A painted on their forehead and they are coming clean with their SO.
I should know. I'm one of them. I am not justifying my affair. I am not blame shifting the responsibility for the affair. I am not denying that I lied and cheated. I did the crime and I am paying the time, no less than my BS is doing with her tears.
I post here for the same reasons that my BS posts here.
It allows me to have some support in my struggles with the demons inside me which I unleashed when I have to confront the "loss of respect for myself" each time I look into the mirror. I am posting here to vent my frustrations at not being able to have the communication skills to talk openly about the affair because my automatic defensiveness kicks in again, leaving my BS hurt again.
Yes, I made a frikin mistake. A huge mistake but then again, I am only human and we all can make mistakes. And while I might be guilty for committing that mistake, I don't need to be beat up when I come on this site in search of compassion, help and support.
Yes, a gentle 2x4 is sometimes needed for a WS to get the picture. Yes, I don't even mind being told " well, your're the cause of the affair, grow up, take responsibility, put your big boy pants on, learn to handle the crying jags" provided that it's not done in a way that becomes personal, vindictive and malicious.
I've posted on a few threads my views on this issue and I stand by my thoughts and opinions. No less than you request that I give you space and time to vent your issues, so too, should I get my share here.
I think that we all have to remember that this is a Infidelity site. Not a BS site. Not a WS site and not a OW site. It is suppose to be inclusive. Members are suppose to conduct themselves with respect per the guidelines.
Nuff said ..
__________________
I'm the cheater, my BS is my wonderful wife of 23 yrs. I had a 7 month EA affair. D-Day June 19, NC June 20, R-Day June 21. The Marriage clock was reset to zero because of the A. Thanks for the 2nd Chance given by a wife with love in her heart.
I think that we all have to remember that this is a Infidelity site. Not a BS site. Not a WS site and not a OW site. It is suppose to be inclusive. Members are suppose to conduct themselves with respect per the guidelines.
Yes that pretty much says it all. If one only wants to hear the BS's side in the story then this obvious ain't the right place or don't even post on WS's threads. It's like an old saying ''If you can't help, don't do nothing at all''....
Yes that pretty much says it all. If one only wants to hear the BS's side in the story then this obvious ain't the right place or don't even post on WS's threads. It's like an old saying ''If you can't help, don't do nothing at all''....
you don't think that it is to WS's benefit to get a glimpse of what is more than likely going on inside the minds of the person they f####d over?
you don't think that it is to WS's benefit to get a glimpse of what is more than likely going on inside the minds of the person they f####d over?
That's something no one can answer but the WS. Who knows what went through their minds but for someone to assume what it was, that's wrong. We're not mind readers..
So, if I am honest with my BS, I would guess that means that I'm not a cowardly traitor, I would just be a traitor. Hmmm. You know, your right!
Thankfully, I have never been cheated on (to the best of my knowledge), but I unfortunately had an experience with a traitor. My first thought was that he needs to die a slow and painful death.
And I consider cheating to be more personal, so I hope that I will never be cheated on. That is why I compared the two things. I am not trying to kick people who are already down. I am just being honest and expressing my opinion about cheating.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HUFI
But its that distinction betweeen remorseful WS's and the non-remorseful WS's that creates this issue of being fair to those WS's who post.
That to me is what this is about. IMHO, I believe that most of the WS's who post here are posting because they are remorseful and sorry and ashamed over their actions. For a remorseful WS, there is a giant A painted on their forehead and they are coming clean with their SO.
If they do come clean like you did, at least their SO actually has a choice. Everyone deserves that choice. To take it away is not tolerable.
That said, there are plenty of cheaters who claim to be remorseful but refuse to tell their SO. I don't believe them and have no sympathy whatsoever for those.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HUFI
I've posted on a few threads my views on this issue and I stand by my thoughts and opinions. No less than you request that I give you space and time to vent your issues, so too, should I get my share here.
I've never said cheaters shouldn't be allowed to post here. All I am saying is that they need to be prepared to have people disagreeing with them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HUFI
I think that we all have to remember that this is a Infidelity site. Not a BS site. Not a WS site and not a OW site. It is suppose to be inclusive. Members are suppose to conduct themselves with respect per the guidelines.
Nuff said ..
I agree that the guidelines should be respected.
Quote:
Originally Posted by samsungxoxo
Yes that pretty much says it all. If one only wants to hear the BS's side in the story then this obvious ain't the right place or don't even post on WS's threads. It's like an old saying ''If you can't help, don't do nothing at all''....
That is why I hardly post in the infidelity section. I don't even bother to go in the OW/OM section as I would have nothing nice to say.
However, you can't hand-pick the things you'd like to read or the posters who you'd want to address you. That's not right. You can't expect to do whatever you want, break rules (e.g. cheat) and at the same time demand that everyone else is being nice and better play by the rules.
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