I'm not sure where this belongs. I figure this section is probably as close as I can get. I never posted here before, so please let me know.
I'm in a pretty desperate situation right now and I hope you all can help me somehow extricate myself from this. After a marriage of 3 years, my wife and I separated about 4 months ago, which was her idea. I was in very much in love with her but she evidently needed her space. I moved out of the house and went to an appartment my dad left me after his death. I figured I'd give her that space she so desperately seemed to need and I didn't want to smother her. Sex had dropped to almost nothing in the past year and she seemed to be angry with me the last month I was there. I expected that the absence might help give her some perspective.
To make a long story short, I discovered that she was seeing someone else, hence the need separation. She just needed to be with him. I started trying to get her back, and I did everything for her. I fixed things around the house, she called me when she had a flat and needed some help, etc. I resorted to begging her to stop seeing him and that we should work things out. But she wouldn't drop this guy.
We never had sex during this separation, but she would give me occasional handjobs probably out of pity (she would keep her clothes on). I knew in my mind I should never have accepted, but I was incapable of saying no. Even if it burned me up that this new guy was getting to have her the way I used to and all could get was the this. This is one of the things that embarasses me the most and I hate myself for it. I've lost count of the times I've driven away and sworn to myself I would never do that again and that I would never come back. But the next day, my resolve melts completely.
About a month ago, I (again) asked for us to get back together, and she replied that she wanted to keep seeing him for awhile, and that she was planning on dumping him in 2 weeks. After that, she promised, we'd get back together again.
I was counting the days, and in the last days, I could barely sleep or eat as I was counting down the minutes. When I came over on that day, she was dressed to kill. She was all dolled ip and I thought this was for me. But she said that her and this new guy were going to spend the weekend together out of town and that when they get back "We'll see where we are". I was completely crestfallen and utterly devastated. She offered me another release, which I took, and while she was stroking me, I was begging her not to go away with him. She actually laughed as I begged her. When I got home, I puked.
I feel completely damaged by this experience. I cannot seem to get her out of my mind even for a second and I cry myself to sleep at least 5 days a week. I must have lost about 20 lbs already just because I have a burning pit in my gut at all times. I can barely stomach a boiled egg. I know she's messsing with me, but can't imagine not being with her.
What do I need to do to get her out of my head? What can I do to get her back?
I already know that this situation is messed up. No need to tell me. I realize that completely. I also know I'm addicted to her like a junkie to crack. I don't know what the hell to do about this.
I won't help you get this woman back, not sure who would, she is garbage. Sorry for saying that but the sooner you realize it, the better.
The only thing to do in this instance is divorce her azz. You do not deserve this treatment. You don't really need her, but your emotions are all over the place, you are confused, one day, soon, I hope you see this.
Go NC and break the addiction. It's the only way. Good job you don't have kids with this woman.
__________________ you've been too gone for too long, now it's too late to come back home-------randy travis
Sadly, you can't get her back because she doesn't want to..She's allowed herself to get used to having this OM in her life, and have you on the side..But not in the way you want. She is USING YOU and knows that you're waiting meanwhile, she's enjoying herself on your expense.
Sorry you're hurting.
Please, talk to your family, friends, to help you through this..And, talk to a lawyer. Start divorce papers because it really doesn't seem your wife is interested in staying committed to you.
I am sorry you are hurting so much.I would not have anything to do with her she is leading you on just in case it does not work.She has showed you no respect.Move on find someone who will give you the love you deserve.Dont
talk to her show her she does not deserve your care or attention.It is hard when you have been hurt in this way their is so many mixed feelings and pain involved.But she is going to keep eating her cake.Do not except her actions you are worth more then that.good luck
oh dear.
firstly, dont beat yourself up about the hand jobs, personally, i am quite disgusted that she would offer them to you, almost as a way of shutting you up, like hand jobs are some sort of commodity.
it shows she has no respect for you, leading you on, then making you go etc.
secondly, laughing as you beg her not to go with this man! what a heartless b*tch. thats one of the worst things a person can do, laugh when you're at your lowest. i really feel for you.
dont try and get her back. she'll play you again and again.
try and see her for what she is, you really dont want to see this woman, she's damaging for you.
__________________
I love life because what more is there? - Anthony Hopkins
Please see a lawyer and get that toxic being out of your life. As previously mentioned she sees you as a total doormat. Who could respect a husband who leaves his home so his wife could continue her sexual affair with her lover? Move back into your home immediately. Ask her to move out and see a lawyer. Your story is very sad and pathetic. It is clear that your wife sees you as a joke and has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough!
She is taking advantage of you in the worst possible way, that cannot continue. No one should have the power to make you feel so terrible about yourself, no one.
You need to gather up all of the courage and strength that you have and cut her off. Get out of that apartment. Go stay with family or a best friend for a few days, the loneliness won't be so great and you can have a physically present support system there for you to talk to when the urge hits to run back to her. Talking it through with someone who loves you like family will help you more than you can imagine.
You also need to start taking care of yourself. You need to start getting regular sleep, first and foremost. If that means seeing a doctor to get temporary prescriptions for anxiety and sleep meds, do it. I know eating when you're that upset is hard, but you need to keep trying. Do not hurt yourself anymore - maintaining a healthy body is extremely important in emotional stability.
And just know that none of this is your fault, so if you're harboring accusations towards yourself in your head, stop it! No one deserves to be cheated on, she's being very sadistic, you deserved better and you still do.
Unfortunately, you have NOW learned the hard way that a woman will not love a man she doesn't respect. She has NO respect for you ... that is why she continues to rub her affair in your face ... give you only crumbs ... and then LAUGHS at your pleadings.
MANY of us have spent a least some period of time acting just as you are, with the same predictable results. NOW we know that they BEST way to handle a wayward wife is to grow a pair as big as CHURCH BELLS (hence the username) and act accordingly.
Read up on the 180 plan ...
No more "I LOVE YOU'S" for your wayward wife (WW).
Start moving on with your life.
Start dressing, grooming, and smelling great.
When you do speak to your WW, make it a point to let her know that you are moving on and seeing where life will take you WITHOUT her.
Keep up the facade of peace and contentment.
DO NOT accept her hand job "CRUMBS" ... tell her you have rediscovered your self-respect and are no longer willing to share her with another.
ALWAYS appear confident and in control ... DO NOT beg or plead.
If she asks "what's up" ... simply tell her "You made your decision ... and now I'm moving on with my own life".
Your WW is doing what is known as "cake eating" ... she's getting to keep her cake and getting to eat it too ... she is playing BOTH you and OM for her own benefit. At least OM is getting the "goodies", while you are left with basically nothing, but some "pity release".
This may cause her to stop and think long enough to realize what she is losing. If so, then the dynamic changes and YOU get to decide if a lying, cheating wayward is worth the pain and work of recovering a broken M, but at that point ... IT IS YOUR DECISION. Like many that have been faced with this in the past ... you will likely find that "having is not the same as wanting" ... and will move forward on your own.
Once a WW goes so far as to seperate to be with OM, even after her betrayed husband (BH) knows of her A, then the likelihood of a successfully recovered M goes to basically nil, so you might as well prepare yourself for life after M. Which isn't such a bad things considering the alternative is sharing your life with someone you will never be able to trust again.
... so you might as well prepare yourself for life after M. Which isn't such a bad things considering the alternative is sharing your life with someone you will never be able to trust again.
Holy sh*t - pull yourself together, man! The advice given to you here is good. Your only chance at all to get her back, if that's what you actually think you want, is to go full out NC on her.
If you and wifey own the house, check and see if you're underwater. If so, sign the damn thing over to her. If not get her to buy you out. If all that fails get the sheister. But wait a month. If you're renting, you'll home free.
Now stop all contact with her for the next 30 days. No phone calls, no emails, no IMs, no nothing. Drop off her radar. Believe me - she won't forget about you. That's impossible. She'll instead have to consider life without you. Like you imagining her her entwined with her new guy, she's also going to imagine you finding another.
But the best part of the NC is that her spell on you will wane and you'll get our brains back. The awakening might be a bit harsher on you than others once you look back at what level you debased yourself - but mybe that's a good thing.
This woman is a piece of work. Giving you handjobs while going out with another guy. Unbelievable. She's a good woman to stay far away from. Guranteed you'll see that better in a month.
I think this is by far the sickest thing i've ever heard on this site... I feel so badly for you.. Don't let her treat you like this anymore. It's partially your fault for the way you are feeling right now. Don't let her manipulate you the way she does. Just divorce her slutty ass and move on. The longer you go without talking to her or seeing her the better.
I think your wife is a typical woman who love being treated like crap, and scorn weakness in a man. In a word, she doesn't have the ability to love and doesn't have moral code, and WHY do you want to get her back? your changing attitude isn't going to change her, maybe you can switch slave-master roles, but that is a sick thing too, please save headaches
and I agree with other posters, you need to pick your dignity back, and not allow anybody trample it on. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot love others as well. Your happiness and dignity isn't in your wife's hand, but in yours.
Last edited by Lovelybird; 27th October 2009 at 12:52 AM..
First, you need to see a shrink about why you want to be with someone who treats you so horribly.
Second, after you do that, you will realize what utter trash this woman is, and you'll realize it's crazy of you for actually wanting such trash back in your life.
Third, do not even consider dating until you have the ability to have multiple women interested in you, if you don't have options, you shouldn't be dating, as, you'll come off as desperate, and women who take advantage of you, and treat you horribly, will be the only kind of women you'll get. Be happy be single, be happy being alone, and only then should you even think about dating.
Call the HR department at her work and expose the affair 2 them. This isn't vengeance, it's telling the truth. Her relationship with him will have an effect on the quality of work she does for the company, particularly since she's most likely hiding the affair. It's quite likely that she's wasting copious amounts of work time talking 2 him on the phone and sending emails back and forth.
Good news about your lease and the plan 2 file for legal separation. When I looked in2 that, the mediator we consulted with said that as soon as the separation was filed, our finances would be separated. Get that done as quickly as you can, but in the meantime, get yourself a separate account where you put your paycheck. Keep paying your share on the lease until it's expired, so you'll have a clean record when you need 2 look for a new place of your own.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
what a heartless b*tch. thats one of the worst things a person can do, laugh when you're at your lowest. i really feel for you.
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