[WinterPain]

I'm not sure where this belongs. I figure this section is probably as close as I can get. I never posted here before, so please let me know.

I'm in a pretty desperate situation right now and I hope you all can help me somehow extricate myself from this. After a marriage of 3 years, my wife and I separated about 4 months ago, which was her idea. I was in very much in love with her but she evidently needed her space. I moved out of the house and went to an appartment my dad left me after his death. I figured I'd give her that space she so desperately seemed to need and I didn't want to smother her. Sex had dropped to almost nothing in the past year and she seemed to be angry with me the last month I was there. I expected that the absence might help give her some perspective.

To make a long story short, I discovered that she was seeing someone else, hence the need separation. She just needed to be with him. I started trying to get her back, and I did everything for her. I fixed things around the house, she called me when she had a flat and needed some help, etc. I resorted to begging her to stop seeing him and that we should work things out. But she wouldn't drop this guy.

We never had sex during this separation, but she would give me occasional handjobs probably out of pity (she would keep her clothes on). I knew in my mind I should never have accepted, but I was incapable of saying no. Even if it burned me up that this new guy was getting to have her the way I used to and all could get was the this. This is one of the things that embarasses me the most and I hate myself for it. I've lost count of the times I've driven away and sworn to myself I would never do that again and that I would never come back. But the next day, my resolve melts completely.

About a month ago, I (again) asked for us to get back together, and she replied that she wanted to keep seeing him for awhile, and that she was planning on dumping him in 2 weeks. After that, she promised, we'd get back together again.

I was counting the days, and in the last days, I could barely sleep or eat as I was counting down the minutes. When I came over on that day, she was dressed to kill. She was all dolled ip and I thought this was for me. But she said that her and this new guy were going to spend the weekend together out of town and that when they get back "We'll see where we are". I was completely crestfallen and utterly devastated. She offered me another release, which I took, and while she was stroking me, I was begging her not to go away with him. She actually laughed as I begged her. When I got home, I puked.

I feel completely damaged by this experience. I cannot seem to get her out of my mind even for a second and I cry myself to sleep at least 5 days a week. I must have lost about 20 lbs already just because I have a burning pit in my gut at all times. I can barely stomach a boiled egg. I know she's messsing with me, but can't imagine not being with her.

What do I need to do to get her out of my head? What can I do to get her back?

I already know that this situation is messed up. No need to tell me. I realize that completely. I also know I'm addicted to her like a junkie to crack. I don't know what the hell to do about this.