We have this recurring thing where my husband will be telling me something, and I find myself interupting him with details I think should be taken into consideration. He (understandably) takes it that I'm being negative, but I really dont mean it that way. I'm one of those people who has to think about every scenario and how it all might turn out. Sometimes as the words are leaving my mouth, I realize I shouldn't be saying it (at least, not at that moment). He gets frustrated and we wind up in a fight. GHADS!!! - Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?!?!
I don't think I'll forget. Anxiety, maybe? Like I need to have all the ducks in a row before I can agree to something or make a decision? Which I think is a good thing, but why do I have to interject it when he's trying to tell me his thoughts? Especially when I KNOW it's going to set him off?
You could always try to deal with this with some humor. Carry a small roll of tape in your pocket, and when he starts to tell you something, tell him to hang on a minute, and pull some off and put it over your mouth. Keep it there until he stops talking.
What 'they' say is, "Silence is golden, and duct tape is silver." Don't use duct tape, though, it might hurt when you pull it off. I'd go with Scotch tape, or maybe bandage tape.
Coco...sounds like you are speaking before thinking...processing aloud. Two things come to mind for me.
One...you may benefit from a practice of mindfulness meditation. Focus on allowing your thoughts to be there without having to say them. When your husband is speaking focus on him and listen...then when he is finished...add your piece.
Two...let your husband know you are sorry and that sometimes you just blurt out your mental process. He married you, he knows you, I'm sure he can come to accept this...especially if you are telling him that you are working on changing it.
Good luck.
__________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. -Rumi
Thanks for the great advice, everyone. The tape on the mouth actually sounds like a good idea. It would be a physical restraint I could use until I can condition myself to shut up and listen!
I just started seeing a counselor a couple of weeks ago. I'm going to bring this up with her on Monday and get her thoughts.
I don't think I'll forget. Anxiety, maybe? Like I need to have all the ducks in a row before I can agree to something or make a decision? Which I think is a good thing, but why do I have to interject it when he's trying to tell me his thoughts? Especially when I KNOW it's going to set him off?
My gf does this too and it drives me nuts. I've believe it's because she wants to argue/negotiate every tiny irrelevant detail that bothers her, because she's afraid of getting blamed for something extra. She just reacts before realizing that the detail she's interrupting me with is irrelevant to what we're actually talking about.
Just force yourself to let him finish his thoughts and then decide which part of it you need to respond to.
Honestly, it makes me not want to talk to her AT ALL. Just breathe and let the poor man talk!
You can't keep your mouth shut because you don't trust him and you think that if you don't tell him the details, he'll forget and things won't go your way. You need to be in control and you really don't have that much faith that your husband knows what he's talking about.
I know because I am the exact same way. What I do now is practice listening without interupting. For one day, I vowed to say absolutely nothing unless I was asked first. It was HARD. I realized how much I actually talk. I had to catch myself many times during that day.
Now I let my husband talk even if I think what he's saying is wrong or stupid. I just let him know that I heard him and I don't give my opinion unless he asks for it. Even then I don't tell him my real opinion (he doesn't want it any way). I just tell him that I support him in whatever he thinks.
[QUOTE=hopeful1980;2461515] Now I let my husband talk even if I think what he's saying is wrong or stupid. I just let him know that I heard him and I don't give my opinion unless he asks for it. Even then I don't tell him my real opinion (he doesn't want it any way). I just tell him that I support him in whatever he thinks.[/QUOTE]
Wow, Hopeful - You hit the nail EXACTLY on the head! I'm putting the actions in your last paragraph into practice ASAP.
My gf does this too and it drives me nuts. I've believe it's because she wants to argue/negotiate every tiny irrelevant detail that bothers her, because she's afraid of getting blamed for something extra. She just reacts before realizing that the detail she's interrupting me with is irrelevant to what we're actually talking about.
Just force yourself to let him finish his thoughts and then decide which part of it you need to respond to.
Honestly, it makes me not want to talk to her AT ALL. Just breathe and let the poor man talk!
I read your thread, Phateless. What's weird is, in our situation, it's my husband who takes forever to get to the point. I think that's part of the reason why I interupt. Still no excuse on my part...
I read your thread, Phateless. What's weird is, in our situation, it's my husband who takes forever to get to the point. I think that's part of the reason why I interupt. Still no excuse on my part...
Ah, that makes sense. Well we can collaborate on ideas to expedite their talking/thought processes and give ourselves ideas on not interrupting.
I think what bothers me so much is the double standard of her talking too much and then interrupting me when I try to talk. Totally unfair.
He (understandably) takes it that I'm being negative, but I really dont mean it that way. I'm one of those people who has to think about every scenario and how it all might turn out.
my wife and i are going through the same struggle. I feel the same way about her and she knows it.
I understand that you want to think through it and in the process ask questions....your husband may see it as shutting him down..see the difference ? He may be very discouraged and even feel rejected.
Instead, encourage and ask questions..hear him out. Show interest. May be he is not doing a great job in presenting the idea/facts. Use empathetic statements such as "if I heard you right, you said......". Repeat what he said. Dont analyze before you heard him out. Help him out !
Location: Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cocochanel34
We have this recurring thing where my husband will be telling me something, and I find myself interupting him with details I think should be taken into consideration. He (understandably) takes it that I'm being negative, but I really dont mean it that way. I'm one of those people who has to think about every scenario and how it all might turn out. Sometimes as the words are leaving my mouth, I realize I shouldn't be saying it (at least, not at that moment). He gets frustrated and we wind up in a fight. GHADS!!! - Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?!?!
Ah, wives. Crushers of little boy/grown man dreams. Clippers of the wings to flights of fancy. A sure fire way for a man to have his ideas and dreams crushed are to share them with his wife. The top five words that destroy creativity? "Hey honey! Listen to this!". No wonder your husband gets ticked. Women reflect men's failure. We fail, you remind us. ALWAYS. You wanna uplift your husband? When he talks about his dream or idea, break out that tape and say NOTHING! NADA! Don't poke holes in it. He can do that himself because if he is a decent man, he won't put his family in jeopardy to prove a point. If he succeeds, congratulate him. If he fails, don't rub it in by bringing it up unless he does. Men's egos are as fragile as raindrops and can be crushed pretty quickly.
LET THE COMPLAINING BEGIN!!!
__________________
"I'm looking for warriors to follow me." A.M Gray, Commandant, USMC
At least you have reconized, and admitted what it is you're doing. The harder part is knowing what to do about it, and making sure after you know what you should do, to stick to it.
__________________ "Its amazing how people can convince themselves to believe whatever they want to believe."
Ah, wives. Crushers of little boy/grown man dreams. Clippers of the wings to flights of fancy. A sure fire way for a man to have his ideas and dreams crushed are to share them with his wife. The top five words that destroy creativity? "Hey honey! Listen to this!". No wonder your husband gets ticked. Women reflect men's failure. We fail, you remind us. ALWAYS. You wanna uplift your husband? When he talks about his dream or idea, break out that tape and say NOTHING! NADA! Don't poke holes in it. He can do that himself because if he is a decent man, he won't put his family in jeopardy to prove a point. If he succeeds, congratulate him. If he fails, don't rub it in by bringing it up unless he does. Men's egos are as fragile as raindrops and can be crushed pretty quickly.
LET THE COMPLAINING BEGIN!!!
No complaints from me, Midnight. From now on, the lips are zipped. He's a good guy, and I know he usually has my best interests at heart. It's going to be hard, as it's a nasty habit - but now that I understand why I'm doing it, I'm determined to get it under control.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
What I do now is practice listening without interupting. For one day, I vowed to say absolutely nothing unless I was asked first. It was HARD. I realized how much I actually talk. I had to catch myself many times during that day. 
Hybrid Mode
