I exposed the affair to the OM's wife today. She was not the raving lunatic who might jeapordize my family the way he said. She was very respectful and thankful. We spoke for an hour on the phone. He portrayed this miserable woman who was pyscho to both me and my wife and she was the exact opposite. I shared the conversation with my wife and it was pretty much the nail in the coffin for her regarding this OM. My wife cried and horrible realizations that she was so completely deceived by this man, her soul mate. She is at rock bottom. She is humiliated beyond belief. I am not taking pleasure but I do know she needs to feel that. My question is.. now what? I plan on giving her alot of space for a couple of weeks to resolve things in her head. I am still not talking about "us" and will not. BTW the guys last e-mail to me describing his wife follows:
" I cannot guarantee that she will not go crazy after your wife and your kids if she identifies her. In fact, my biggest preocupation is her mental health, in addition to her physical health. She has esquizofrenia in her genes. Her aunt died crazy, and her father has been on psiquiatric medications for many years. She has had a couple of very scary episodios. Today her ginecologist ordered her to have a biopsy (she is waiting now for the person who schedule the biopsies to contact her). What she has has grown and does not look good. She is scared."
This was the most difficult thing to do in my life but it is done. His OM's reaction was not what he described and she was very intelligent and in touch with herself. This guy was truly full of Sh-t. NOW the affair is over. NOW my wife can heal and defog and wake up. She is extraordinarily guilty right now and that may be my biggest hurdle to reconciliation should I chose to.
I am utterly bewildered why people are shocked to find out the person they've been carrying on an affair with is a liar. I mean, shouldn't that be obvious?
right on FP! you did what had to be done. now, you just have to wait it out i think. i guess you just have to decide, because in my opinion, reconciliation is coming, at least from her end. i exposed as well, but it didn't go the same way. exposure made my ex go same day and sign the papers at my attorney's office. you have time. use it.
That email is clearly a lie and trying to make you feel guilty for contacting his wife. What an effing loser. LMAO. Not only is he a POS but he is illiterate as well. I won't try and tell you what to do with your wife, but if I were you, I would be flying solo. Good job. I know this helps your self esteem.
cyabye
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Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. ~Confucius
ADF - Yeah these are all realizations she is going through now and she is in a deep funk. VERY deep funk. When you're in the affair it is truly an addiction and they are completely blinded by it all
MRMAYI - This exposure occurred at the tale end of her affair where she was beginning to see this man for who he was. The exposure pretty much nailed the coffin shut. I guess it is all about timing. I purposly held off on exposure because I knew she would have been furious in the early months. Now she is not. Timing and patience I guess worked in my favor. Still don't know if she will want to reconcile. She has ALOT of guilt for which I don't know how to deal with. Not even 100% I want to reconcile.
Cyabye- You said this helps my self esteem. I never thought of it that way when I did it but now that I did you are SO right. My self esteem surprisingly really went up after this. Unintended result but I will take it.
floridapad,
I'm glad you experienced a positive outcome.
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridapad
She has ALOT of guilt for which I don't know how to deal with.
Her guilt is HER issue to deal with, as are all her other feelings -- do not take ownership of, or responsibility for, that.
You do, and will, have more than enough of your own feelings and decisions with which to deal. And yours are the only ones over which you have any power and control, anyway.
I can understand this, and it's worth quite a bit of thought. If it was me, I'd have to step back and figure out whether I truly wanted to spend the rest of my wife with someone, even though it would be an awful long time before I could trust them let alone get the 24/7 "movies" out of my head, or whether I simply wanted to win a competition. I don't know how I'd answer, either.
I can understand this, and it's worth quite a bit of thought. If it was me, I'd have to step back and figure out whether I truly wanted to spend the rest of my wife with someone, even though it would be an awful long time before I could trust them let alone get the 24/7 "movies" out of my head, or whether I simply wanted to win a competition. I don't know how I'd answer, either.
I thought about this also.
I thought about how easy it was for her to lie to me, manipulate me, & make me feel like the bad guy while all the while she was the one cheating.
I'd recommend rejecting the 'affair fog' concept, which almost sounds like someone dropped her a pill and she was unduly under the influence of a drug. Affair fog is just another phrase for 'she selfishly wanted some attention, excitement and ego boosting and sexual fun with a guy who she was attracted to, & prioritized enjoying herself at the cost of betraying you'.
You sound like you have a lot if dignity and have handled this the right way...I agree with another poster that you should not take ownership of any bad feelings and what he is experiencing right now. Rght now, in fact, it should
just be you concentrating on what is best for you.
It is quite normal for a WS to go into depression after an affair. Remember, the affair IS a drug and she is missing her oxytocin. She will remain withdrawn for a couple of weeks before settling down to normal.
These affairs beg questions. 1 Of you personality. 2 Of her trustworthiness 3 Of your marriage. You need to find the answers for your own satisfaction.
1. The major thing about you is whether you are meeting her emotional needs. This does not prevent affairs but does help marriages.
2. She has corrupted the marriage through her actions, will she ever be trustworthy again. Find out what a POJA is on the Marriage Builder articles site. This can help a great deal.
3. Marriage is a union of two people and is strengthened as each person comes closer to God. Rest assured, Satan stepped in and she did not yield to temptation.
All of us can be tempted. Do you want to restore your marriage? The decision is yours. You may never get complete resolution to this event. Recovery is MUCH harder than divorce.
Christ laid down his life to restore him to us. He did this once, no second chances for those who turn away.
You need to to tell her that you want to rebuild
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But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
" I cannot guarantee that she will not go crazy after your wife and your kids if she identifies her. In fact, my biggest preocupation is her mental health, in addition to her physical health. She has esquizofrenia in her genes. Her aunt died crazy, and her father has been on psiquiatric medications for many years. She has had a couple of very scary episodios. Today her ginecologist ordered her to have a biopsy (she is waiting now for the person who schedule the biopsies to contact her). What she has has grown and does not look good. She is scared."
Wow, so he's asking you not tell his wife because his W is crazy AND dying. (And he can't spell). Classy guy.
I hate to agree with the others, but I'm not seeing that your W is invested in the M. It seems like you're the default choice rather than the real choice.
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