Its finally over, and it absolute silence to boot. This is by far the worst way to end things I have ever expereinced. It almost makes me want to call up the old ex's and at least thank them for having the ovaries to at least talk/argue with me. Even the one relationship that ended in a horrific fight was easier to deal with that this. When we as humans are left up to our own devices to "guess" we instinctively guess hyper-negative and keep inflicting ourselves with self created pain. I decided I had enough.
For the last 5 weeks she has decided to ignore everything. Even the most basic and direct questions. Last night I finally "got it" and ended it. I decided that matching her silence with my silence was spineless. I wasn't going to take the silent coward's way like she has. So I sent her a simple message that told her that I absolutely hate being ignored and that I see the situation for what it is. I kept it civil, despite being pissed off. I knew that low blows and name calling wasn't the way to go, even though I really wanted to go that route. I didn't beg for her back, I didn't assume how she feels or thinks, and I just simply stated I enjoyed the time I spent with her and wished her the best in the future. Signed my name and that was it. I didn't draft, and re-draft this thing. I wrote it completely on emotion. Now its over for me, and I can finally get on to real healing instead of healing yet holding onto hope. Hope does indeed die last, and it died for me last night.
I've been all over the emotional range with this particular girl all year, so right now it feels like a weight lifted off my chest. I really don't consider this a failure either. It would only be a failure if i didn't learn anything from this. Believe me, I've learned a lot about myself and other people. I've learned a LOT of red flags that I need to pay attention to in the future.
My advice for anyone out there. Just talk. Just do it. It's no where near as hard as not saying anything. Don't just think of yourself, think of the other person. Sure ignoring someone is easy for you now, and hard for them now but that will always reverse itself at some point in the future. At least respect them enough to tell them the truth. Don't let things die in silence.
Nothing is really solved, well I've solved everything that I can solve. But her? The bury your head in the sand, silent run-away method always, ALWAYS leaves skeletons in your closet that will never be removed until you DEAL with it. Even though I've deleted every way to contact her, I just have this gut feeling she'll come back months down the road. I just know it. This just feels like one of those where the other person always comes back. Usually in the same cowardly way they left.
__________________
"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."
I know how you feel. my ex never wanted to communicate with me. Our break up was over a cup. In other words he picked a dumb figh to say it was over. I left his house and that was it. That was the end of 5 years and our engagement. Over a dumb drink. 3 months of NC..and i finally broke it. I called him because the silence was killing me. He was shocked and i could hear his voice cracking but still he said very little and wouldnt answer my questions. Some people are cowards. They dont know how to deal with their emotions perhaps out of fear of appearing foolish. Its like they are emotionally unevolved. Sometimes talking things out and being the bigger person may seem like a weakness..but i think it is a strength. Its not easy to put your emotions out there, to pick up the phone with fear of being rejected and still go through with it. When you love someone you put your pride aside. Im happy to say i did all i could. At least i will have no regretts just like i think you wont either. These people will have to live with the fact that they never said what they really felt. Its ok though....i guess their silence was enough to let us know how they really felt.
My ex behaved in a similar way. For weeks he screened my calls and didn't pick up and talk unless I called 10 times in a row. He claimed to be away from phone or too busy... Several times I tried to make him start "the talk" but he prefered to stay silent and ignore me. As if, ignoring me would make me leave him alone just like that after 7.5 years. Finally, when I pushed him really hard to tell me if it was over or not, he said yes.
He was a real coward and apparently there are other who behave in similar ways. For months I couldn't forgive him for the way he broke up with me. I had to get over the way he broke up with me in addition to the fact that he broke up with me. Eventually you'll be happy she behaved this way because it will be easier for you to see that she's not perfect...
Mine did not come back since we broke up, which was 4 years ago. But he's checking out my web page every few weeks. Don't think he has the guts to email me or anything. Apparently he's still the same coward...
I got a call last night..and..My ex got an ear full of Patron "talk" last night. She needs to know what she is and how she treats people. It's not her world! That's why she has NO real friends. I'm for sure not going to be there for her EVER! I did however wish her well and to lose my number, as I have nothing left to say to her, since all she spews are lies that suit her for the moment.
__________________
"Everybodys got a plan till they get hit in the mouth"- Mike Tyson
At least I know I'm not alone. This whole situation is really hard to wrap my thoughts around. I can tell you, it feels as if I'm on a swing. Half the time I think what I did was right, half the time I feel like I want to reach out one last time. I know it gets better with time and the best thing to do is not contact her. I cannot believe, though I guess I should start to, that people act this way. I mean grown freakin' adults!
Its just such a waste to end like this. But I have to accept it. There's nothing I can do to get her to open up. Like I said, of all the ended relationships this one is by far the worst. Even though it was the shortest, the way it ended is the worst. I feel really guilty like I did something to cause this, but I have to constantly kick that thought out of my head. I did everything I could to try to at least get her to talk, even times throwing my pride out on the ground to get stomped on. Still nothing.
They say silence is deafening and they aren't kidding. I doubt she'll come back in that way, but like Symbol pointed out. They'll stalk you or randomly add you on Facebook like nothing ever happened. Somehow they convince themselves that not saying anything was the best way to go. I wish I had that kind of mental power!
Yes, one shocker in the start that I know to keep an eye on in the future was that this girl really didn't have any real friends. Friends you can count on to be there when you need them. Her friends always seemed to be "busy" when she needed them, so she relies on new people (ie me) all of the time. I know it now that her friends are simply doing what she does to them. Why should they be there for her when they know she'll run away when they need her?
That and the constant soap-boxing about how she's a good person who only gets screwed over by life because she's always there for people. Or the 15 minute rant about how she's not a liar. Next person I see doing that, I'll know that they will turn out to be exactly the opposite of what they are claiming to be. But when she was doing that, I was with her and was just happy to be around her. She was one of those few people that you really just click with. Face to face we'd probably still be together. But I lost my job and had to move many states away and once it stopped becoming a relationship of convenience for her and she had to put in real effort, that's when it started to take a dive.
Its really sad to not have her in my life. But, things don't always work out the way we hope for them to and I'll live to see the morning tomorrow.
Sometimes talking things out and being the bigger person may seem like a weakness..but i think it is a strength. Its not easy to put your emotions out there, to pick up the phone with fear of being rejected and still go through with it. When you love someone you put your pride aside.
You are absolutely right, it is a strength. Its much easier to run away than to face things. It just sucks that this trait in people comes out at the worst possible time. To outside observers it seems so simple, but for those of us who have gone through it. It is beyond complicated.
[QUOTE=WTRanger;2447581] This is by far the worst way to end things I have ever expereinced. It almost makes me want to call up the old ex's and at least thank them for having the ovaries to at least talk/argue with me.
Amen. People who just give you the silent treatment are cowardly peices of trash. They just don't give a damn and want to save themselves the trouble of dealing with your reaction. Nuts to them.
I'm in a bit of a rush right now, heading out tonight and just took too much time posting my own thread, so I didn't read everything but I think I get the idea about what's happening to you and I wanted to reply, and I agree that it sucks and it's the most cowardly way for an ex to deal with things. My ex still talked to me and discussed our relationship for a few months, and then out of nowhere, with no "it's time to stop talking, go our own ways", she just STOPPED, complete silence. Refused to give me closure, I told her I was ready to meet someone new and would appreciate being able to drop all the baggage she left me holding, but no. I'd send her texts begging for a ONE WORD response that just said "Yes" I want to stop talking to you, she couldn't even press the three buttons it would have required to do that just to let me know.
People who don't have the backbone to communicate like adults are not worth the trouble. Not only are they running from a confrontation with you, they are also running from their own responsibility to confront how they feel about things, and they can't even be bothered to have a discussion about it. People can't run forever and one day they'll crack and WISH they had someone to talk to.
I know it sucks, it only makes you want answers more.
Last edited by Exit; 22nd October 2009 at 7:06 PM..
Really what are they afraid of?? Of the confrontation? Of appearing weak and foolish? Of hurting our feelings?? Of feeling guilty?? Of getting emotional??? Of hearing the truth about themselves??
hi WTRanger - do you remember me? you wrote in my forum before - maybe a couple of weeks back when you were telling me you got the silent treatment too? and was in the process of trying to talk with her...... i'm sorry things ended this way for you, i don't know if this will make you feel better but my ex-bf did the same thing for me, ended things in silence....... it's been 2 months since our ISSUE and here i am trying to heal i guess everyday is different - sometimes i'm up sometimes i'm down (seriously - after 4 years and what we went through and he was one of my good friends before this, WTF, but you know what - that's FINE).
reading your posts started to make me cry and it described to the point of what i truly feel - you wrote her an email right? i wrote him an email too, put all my pride aside, put everything out there, still i get NOTHING. i guess it was foolish of me to think that he was gonna actually respond since i was having hopes for a while but i guess he's that cruel of a person....... this is the worst way ever that i have experienced to end things and he was my first true love i guess cause i have never ever felt HURT like this before.....
just like you said, the SWING with trying to reach out there one last time, i was there too - sometimes i feel like i'm doing the right thing or not..... because ya know, we were actually IN-LOVE with this person and we respect them, but it seems like they didn't respect us enough to even say anything - excuse me, let me tell you, i wrote him that e-mail and then he texted and asked me to go to a party (ok, you ignored that e-mail) and called, well you know what? i didn't even pick up or texted back..... it's been WAYYY too long and if he's not going to speak, he's useless to me. i miss him though and i'm very heartbroken about the situation......... ughh like you said the time thing will help..
i agree that i learned a whole lot with this experience too - it seems like the next person i date i would like to "piss them off" to see if they're gonna go silent on me and if that's the case i'll run as fast as i can.....
just wanted to let you know i'm here for you and you're not alone i'm hurting with you as well
i agree that i learned a whole lot with this experience too - it seems like the next person i date i would like to "piss them off" to see if they're gonna go silent on me and if that's the case i'll run as fast as i can.....
Actually, if you look back at your time with him, there probably were many red flags that they would do this. I know in my case there were. But, as with most people, I thought it would be different. In fact I thought, maybe foolishly, that we'd never get to that point. I also know that hindsight is really 20/20. I know now what to look for.
I'm only in my late 20's but I've never dealt with someone like this. Its just beyond my comprehension. The best thing I can do is move on with my life. Stop dwelling in the negatives and see the positive in the situation. And I can guarantee you there is a positive in there, somewhere. Everything is auspicious and everything happens for a good reason. If it wasn't this little crisis, then surely it would be something else. We all get hurt in our life, what defines us is how we deal with it. I know that not everyone deals with things the way I do, I really know that now.
Still, it doesn't make this any easier to understand. I get it, but I don't. And how hard is it to type, "F-You! Leave me the F alone!"? But nope, being beaten senseless with the silent stick it is. After a nasty argument is easy to deal with, but this almost makes you want to lose trust in anyone you meet in the future.
Last edited by WTRanger; 22nd October 2009 at 8:24 PM..
Well, this behavior isn't something that they figured out they would try on a whim. This is learned from childhood, usually from a parent. The truly sad part is, they don't see themselves doing it. I think that's why when they are confronted they have the, "Who me?" look in their eyes. They'll never really experience the pain of this becuase they are always seeking out the opposite people. So two runners will never get together, its always a runner and a normal person. To top it off, they'll always be the first to run away.
I really, reeeeeeeaaaallllly just want to insult her, say call her a smelly c*nt and see if she responds. Then respond with, "Oh, I see insulting you is a way to get you to talk but being honest isn't?" But, I won't. I've done all I can do.
Went thru the same thing.... my ex quit talking to me, not that he ever talked much, but after 3 weeks, I was done..... When I told him I was moving out, he asked me if I was taking the dog...... He eventually got around to asking why - hmmmmm.... He always used to ask me the same question: "Now that you know how I really am, why do you stay with me?" Over the past couple of months, I have asked myself that same question - WHY did I stay with him for 5 years?????? The man was a liar, a cheat, and full of BS. He had a new girlfriend living with him less than two weeks after I moved out.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Hybrid Mode
