While I have "fought" Tojaz and still believe he gives great advice, I have to intervene and tell you honestly that NC, while they say it is for you to work on yourself, you may find it extremely hard. I myself have found it to be completely damaging to myself as all I really seek is the "why" and maybe that "closure", not our marriage to work as I originally wanted. Sadly, this NC and lack of what I wanted has just driven me crazy and I've lost myself between LS, lack of sleep, and the whiskey.
I don't want to discourage you as every situation is different, but I don't want to give you that false hope that everything will end up peachy f****** keen either. If you get the slightest opp. to make it work, do everything you can and listen to these guys/gals!
Never said it was easy! In close to 1400 posts over the last half year, very rarely do I see anybody get the closure they are looking for. Or the answer to "Why"? There are a handfull of LSers that I have followed from day one MayI, Lupa, LisaUK, None of them had any of their questions answered. My own ex told me it was because I was Selfish, Abusive, Manipulative, Controlling, you name it. When all was done, she told me that this was all BS and it just took her some time to see that. So I asked her why, she hung up, last time I spoke to her. I will live the rest of my life wondering the answer to that question, but i refuse to torture myself with persuing it. The more questions you ask, the more answers you analyze and try to make it fit, the longer you suffer. I know, I'm still doing it and i am fully divorced. I didn't know any better, now that i do, it's still hard and backslides still happen for me. Start off on the right foot. Listen to those who have been through it, read ahead and see whats coming.
TOJAZ
__________________
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -Dr.Sydney Friedman
One thing I do know, is I am the better person to wanting to try and work on our marriage, try and go to counseling, do what it takes. I know that love 5 years into marriage is not the same as when we were first dating...for some reason she doesn't think this. Hell, that's why she's probably doing better then I am, because she has this other guy to feed her emotions and to make her feel like a million bucks. It just hurts, because I'm trying so hard because I love her and I respecting my vows and there is her just throwing our marriage away.
Shes doing better because she already worked through all her questions and doubts at her own pace, long before she ever let you in on the gag. Thats the luxury leavers have. The whole process is done on their terms and those of us left behind are forced to play catch up fast! While you still thought things were fine and were going about the rest of your life, she was preparing, gathering support, and sorting out her thoughts. If that sounds evil, thats because it is. You were completely blindsided my friend, we all were.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom81
I'm thinking about the NC, but it wouldn't be easy for me. I'm not that patient or easy of a person to just do something like that.
I'd like to refer you to my above post to Aksion. Nobody just does it, trying to go from loving someone with all your heart to showing complete indifference is enough to drive anyone mad, and nobody can "Just Do It" I couldn't, hell I still can't. Tatoo this on your frontal lobe for awhile,
"FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT"
TOJAZ
Give this a look, especially the "Standing Actions" MLC comes earlier for women, some call it QLC (Quarter life Crisis). This site is aimed at men in MLC but the advice is just as valid, just told from a womans view. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/
TOJAZ
Tom.. is she willing to give up her emotional affair and work on the marriage ?
You can read those books and sites all you want but in the end it comes down to those 2 things in order for you to even begin fighting for your marriage.
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
It was also good to hear your story Topaz. I feel I can relate some since it's very similar. I read a lot of stories and there always seems to be children in the mix, and to me that would make things a lot different. You got married young and were blind sided just like I was a few months ago. All of my friends keep on telling me that she's not the same person that you used to love and married. She's different and doesn't love you anymore. I still love her and miss her so much...it's so difficult to not have hope and to just give up.
Plus, because of my job...lately it's been causing me to work a lot and a lot on weekends. So my work has been really rough and I feel so depressed now and I have no time or way to get out and have fun. I do thank everyone for their advice and comments. It helps hearing people who have gone through something similar.
Tom.. is she willing to give up her emotional affair and work on the marriage ?
You can read those books and sites all you want but in the end it comes down to those 2 things in order for you to even begin fighting for your marriage.
She is not willing to do so I don't think. Awhile ago she didn't even think it was an affair and that she was cheating on me. I don't think she thinks that anymore though, cause I still confront her about the other guy and she doesn't say anything like she used to do. I don't think she's willing to give him up...I've checked her emails lately and they're still close and hanging out and she's even said to him in closing on a recent email, "I miss you". They're really good 'friends' and I don't think she'd give up hanging out with him to work on our marriage. And I think that should say something to me...but I'm so hopeful that it blinds me. So I think I'm pretty much F'd and don't know why I continue to keep up hope.
I haven’t read the entire thread because I stopped at the part when you said she had an emotional affair.
While you did not honor your commitment to the relationship by neglecting her, she neglected it by turning to someone else outside of your marriage. Being neglected by someone you love is awful, and being cheated on is awful.
Both are awful.
For her, she may have felt that you weren’t respecting her vows and throwing your marriage away, by neglecting it. And how she chose to handle it, was weakness on her part. What I’ve come to learn is that there are not two sides to a story, but three. There is yours, theirs and then there’s the truth.
I'm not saying to but have you talked with the guy ?
No I have not talked to him. All three of us used to hang out...didn't see he actually liked my wife more than I know he does now. My wife has saved IM's between the two of them before she broke it to me she wanted a separation. In those IMs, you can tell there are feelings both ways between him and my wife.
I have his email and phone number...I don't think it'd be a good idea to contact him. That probably wouldn't be good. I know my wife is at fault, but I'm pretty pissed off at him because he knew she was married and to be that way is just despicable. Makes me sick. But what is worse, is my wife also was at fault because she was going to him.
Right now I'm just going in circles in my...very lost right now.
I know Tojaz, it's only been 3 weeks and I've already realized that. Doesn't mean I, and I'm sure the rest of you in a similar situationdont still want those answers. I've read many threads, and still feel the same way. Not everyone is capable of going beyond said situation, as I've seen in myself. I've lost myself basically as a "whole person".
While 98% of the advice given here is wonderful, it isn't going to work for everyone. I'm not trying to be negative in anyway, as I wish the best for every lost soul that ends up here with us. Yet I've ****in lost it. I just want them to know that it's ok, to not be ok. I'm still here though. Still talking to y'all, still wanting life. Every perspective should be seen, shouldn't it?
__________________
it leave never would you, you show could I if
The intentions of the other guy might be where some of the problems lie.. or not if his intentions are good..
Are you aware of how he feels about being placed between you both ?
After she told me she wanted to separate...I haven't talked to the other guy. He used to be my facebook friend, he dropped me as a friend awhile ago. I always thought he was fake and full of himself...but after reading some of those IMs it just made me sick. My wife is the kind of person who likes to take care of people...it's also a big aspect of her profession. If someone is sick or hurt at a party, my wife is the person always to help. DD at a party, my wife is it. So this other guy in the IMs is playing like he's got no one and making her feel sorry for him and really baiting her. It's sick and of course my wife is there...consoling him and listening to him. She emailed herself 4 IM conversations with this guy...you don't save IMs for no reason.
So I don't know if asking him would do any good...might just cause more trouble then it's worth.
Right now I'm just going in circles in my...very lost right now.
Cut yourself some slack.. you're going thru something you don't have any control over and it is making you feel helpless...
You are not helpless..
At this very moment put yourself first and stop trying to fix everything..
Many of the items you are trying to fix may not be fixable.
She moved out..
She accepted your ring back and returned hers to you.. I think I read that somewhere..
She hasn't given up her relationship with the other guy.
She is only telling you it isn't physical but moving out is most likely the first move she is making to correct that.
You can't sit there and wait for her to decide what to do unless she includes you in the equation.
You are gong to have to decide what you are willing to accept and be okay with in order to move forward and honestly you both need to be in MC.
Then you need to figure out where she stands on the marriage and go from there..
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
