He couldn't commit so we split up. 3 year relationship that was really amazing. we're both in our 30's. I wanted more commitment (living together) he couldn't do it and we split up amicably. He said he would have been happy for the relationship to carry on as is.
We've been NC for months, then sporadic LC instigated by him. Then i requested NC again which he was sad about, said he missed me and wanted to meet up when i was ready. Cut to 2 months ahead. I text him asking how he was and asked him if wanted to catch-up. He immediately said yes and said how about lunch?
Was soooo scared. But went and had amazing lunch - we couldn't stop laughing and he was telling me all his stories and asking me about my work and family etc. We didn't even touch the food we ordered! had a big hug goodbye. But no mention of 'us' at all. Which I'm kinda glad about.
So he has been emailing me lots and me emailing back since. And when i say lots - twice a day. All just friendly banter - sharing links to work we've done whilst apart (we're in the film industry).
but what do i do? do i email back? how long do i wait in between emails? Do i play it 'cool'? He has not mentioned once that he wants to meet up again.... and that is quite upsetting.
Do i just assume that all he wants is friendship?? i don't even email my friends that much though!
Do you want him back? I think you simply need to let it unfold naturally and don't try to analyze all of it too much. If you guys are speaking that much via email, then there is no reason you can't call him up and ask him out for another lunch or drinks, but maybe do it with a bunch of friends so it doesn't come off as being a date.
No matter what, DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD FOR HIM!! Continue to go out and meet new people, go on dates, hang with your friends. Whatever you do keep it casual and don't try to force a connection. If he doesn't have a girlfriend he might simply be lonely and is looking for comfort in you. Don't give up your heart to him until you know what his intentions are, which you will learn with time. Just be a friend and don't start thinking about the past, or what ifs. Live in the present and let the future work itself out.
I do want him back. But, being truthful - i guess only if he can see himself commiting to me in a long term sense. i don't think i could get back with him just as a fling. it's not really like that anyway.
so i am going to carry on with my life, right? Which i am really enjoying by the way. Am busy, have lots of friends. etc etc. Am actually quite happy at the moment. Haven't felt like this for awhile.
but am i ok emailing back? keeping up the contact - or should i stop or slow it all down?
He was happy with how things were - he'd be happy for them to resume on the same basis I guess...?
So I would say that you are risking slipping back into things (unchanged level of commitment) by allowing this much email... You say you would not be OK with that...
There is no 'should' while you are not clear about what you want... *
If what you want is for him to want you back plus be willing to move in together - then I'm not quite sure how frequent emails will achieve that... At least, a short burst of "remember how good things were" won't have hurt, and will possibly have helped, but just pull back slightly (take 50% longer to reply to his last message than he took to reply to yours - time it!) and see if he also slows down, or if he tries to speed things up...
Edit: when I say "not clear" - I mean your actions don't feel clear, not what you've said in the previous post...
Last edited by seoa; 14th October 2009 at 5:57 PM..
Think about this.....if things start to go well being friends, no 'us' talk, etc. and all of a sudden he starts seeing someone else would you be able to handle that? Would you be able to hear him talk about another woman or give him advice as a true friend?
I am in a similar situation with a girl I love and want back. I broke it off because of work, realized I wanted her back after 6 months, she said no of course, but since then we have talked on a few occasions. I thought that being friends would lead to something more, but it didn't and only caused me more pain and now she is dating someone new.
My point is that you cannot be friends when there are still feelings, or thoughts of getting back together. I know that one day after months of NC with her I will be able to completely heal and move on. She is a great girl and I will one day reach out to her again and hopefully we can become friends.
I would agree with seoa....back off, slow down, and really think about where you are in your life. If you are happy the most important thing is to keep it that way. If you can handle just being friends and nothing more, then there is no reason you can't keep in touch, but make sure you don't have any expectations because you might be setting yourself up for more heartache.
i think you're right both of you... am setting myself up for heartache. Because as much as i will try and deny that it's only friends - i secretly want him to turn around and tell me it was a horrible mistake.
i'm going to take your advice Seoa and slow it down a little. i'm not going to ask him out at all. i figure that should be his next move if he wants to go down that path.
if not i guess me slowing things down will slow him down until there is very infrequent contact. and then of course it will be obvious that it was always just friendly contact he wanted...
ah well - guess it's good to face it now then a few months down the line....
Ha! that made me laugh. I know! and normally i love my food... he told me that he had to go out and get something to eat at 4pm!
I think BCCA is right. He has done nothing to let me know that he still sees something in us. So why hope for something that is blatently not being asked for?
I think he would have tried to organise a drink or another lunch or something like that if he entertained thoughts of wanting me back.
From laughing to being slightly sad.
i wish i was one of those on this board who had a positive story to share with you all....
You don't know what he's thinking, so try not to analyze what he's doing. Be patient and go with the flow.
Remember that you said there was no relationship talk and you were glad about that. You enjoyed yourself so much you didn't eat. Leave it at that. You had fun together, that's all. Now don't sit around waiting for him to call or contact you. If he did have fun and enjoyed himself, he will eventually call you. Just carry on living. Don't get any hopes up or dwell on what he MIGHT be doing. Let things happen naturally.
No email replies just silence. I should have known.
I hate myself for getting excited about the prospect of getting back together...
He obviously just doesn't see me like that any more.
I guess he was just happy to see me happy.
Either give up completely, or take the long view - think of this stage in terms of 6-8 weeks (for example)... You were together for x years, you have been split up for y months, and NC for z months of that (I'm being lazy, can't be bothered to check the facts ), so it's not that long in comparison...
Stop thinking in terms of day-by-day, because you *will* drive yourself crazy...
Friday 28 November is 6 weeks from today... How would you feel if I said that you & he wouldn't get back together until then... Would it put the next few weeks into a different perspective (slow foundation laying)...?
Of course, there's a reasonable risk that you *won't* get back together, but if you want to give it a try, you have to do it in a way that makes you not-crazy...
I'm doing it myself - it makes the periods of silence easier to bear when you just keep repeating "November, November, November"...
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