Any tips from those of you who decided to try to reconcile with your ex?
Mine, after 2 months, and overwhelming contact on his part, finally realized that he was wrong and wants to try again. We've had many conversations about what went wrong, how we can go about things differently, and we deeply love each other and have been absolutely miserable apart. (long story, see my 23 page thread, Over or not over?)
Just want to be well prepared for this meeting next week. Going in with extreme caution. Any advice?
Be prepared for it NOT to work out. I'm not saying don't try..just don't expect all things to be fine and dandy. It's not starting fresh. There WILL still be things brought up from the past from both of you. It's almost easier to find someone new and start fresh IMO..
__________________
"Everybodys got a plan till they get hit in the mouth"- Mike Tyson
Hey remember 'love is a stream that will find its own course', nothing anyone can do or say here now can help you because over time your either meant for each other or your not. Sometimes things revert to how they were (cause we are who we are) and sometimes we realize what we have lost. There is even a third group of people who bless them come back because they tried in the outside world and failed and are crawling back because they now know they wont get better.
I guess you want this and seem very committed to it and its gonna happen it appears. I guess my only advice is to be positive!!!
The same thing happened with me - split up with ex boyfriend 3 months ago after being together for 16 months, it was my decision. He had been in touch a couple of times but basically I realised that I had to keep my distance as he was hurting alot so I didn't contact him and assumed it was over.
He then called out of the blue and wanted to meet for lunch.
All i can say is be prepared for the unexpected. I didn't go there with a`plan' of what to say but it happened that as we were looking at the menu's I asked if he'd slept with anyone whilst we'd been apart. He went quite quiet and them said yes 2 so I said oh 2 he then went even quieter and whispered 3. Well you could have knocked me down with a feather!!
So i think i might think it might be an idea to think about what you're going to say to him!! Good Luck
Location: My own head but trying to find a new place to dwell
Posts: 781
So what is the non-negotiable list of specific actions he needs to do to win you back? What is the list of non-negotiable changes he needs to make to win you back?
__________________
"There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do"-Xena the Buddhist Monk Warrior Princess
good luck mim. i would suggest that you both take it slow at first.depending on the situation it my be the best move. i would say do not expect to jump right back into that comfort zone that you once had in your relationship. that is gone now, even though remnants of it still remain. this is not a bad thing because it will give you both a chance to grow even more together.
i offer this advice because i met up with my dumpee last week. we spent 3 great nights together, but on the 4th she said that it was just too hard right now and needed time. said she did not want to be with me at that time. tore me up real bad inside.
then this past monday, after about 4 days of n.c. we went out and had another amazing night. this time it felt more tangible and real. lt made me realize that we were rushing into things at first. but, i see that by taking it slowly our new relationship will have a much better chance to grow.
i would say make this clear in the beginning. and lay out the reasons, this could save both of you from unnecessary heartache.
I am really nervous....
No matter how much he reassures me, and I am trusting his intentions more every day, I am really scared. I have less than a week now...
Is it normal to feel this way?! I've never done this before!
This is the man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with... that's what we were planning! He left, the best analogy I can come up with is that I got hit by a semi-truck, and now I'm standing on the sidewalk, about to cross the street. I just really need some time I think.
For anyone who reconciled with their ex, did you feel these same feelings of doubt and anxiety? (I guess some excitement in there too)...
Doesn't sound like you have a plan together. Thinking about it isn't the same as sitting down and writing a list of things you want to talk about and things you want resolved.
Also, be prepared for him to say whatever you want to hear to make you "FEEL" better. My point is that only TIME will tell if he is truly going to stick to what you want him to do.
Remember, he walked away once, he CAN do it again. He should have to work (and work hard!) to rebuild your trust.
I highly suggest writing down all of the things you want to discuss and bringing that list with you when you meet with him.
I also want to remind you that you should NOT sleep with him at ALL during your trip up there. If you do so, you will simply be overwhelmed with hormones and will confuse yourself. You'll THINK everything is back to normal. That’s just your heart messing with your head.
Make him earn you back with not just words, but CONSISTENT action over TIME. His earning you back should not be a quick kiss/makeup thing.
After all, if he can get you back so easily then he has nothing of value, nothing that is worth not screwing up again. See what I mean? He will know that you'll take him back with little work on his part.
And I can tell you that I place little value on things that I didn't have to work for....
Expect things to be different. Some good; some bad.
Expect that once you get over the happiness of reconciliation, that all of your fears and insecurities will come storming back. That's natural. Someone left you and even though he wants to reconcile, the back of your mind keeps saying, "but... ." You'll try to ignore it. Sometimes that's good; sometimes that's bad. You don't want to overreact to everything; you don't want to underreact so that you allow certain relationship-poor behaviors to go on.
Expect that in your case, your relationship has now become long distance. That's a new hurdle to overcome. In my case, it was a simple reconciliation and that was hard. Adding distance into the mix will be more difficult.
If it's appropriate, address some of your issues with distance. You have a life in San Diego; he doesn't have much of a life where he is now. Is he willing to move back? If he did, what would those living circumstances be?
It's hard without a counselor to talk about feelings without you both getting out of control. But those conversations should happen. Try to keep them calm and non-accusatory. But talk about what was wrong in your relationship. Yes, there are things you both did wrong.
Finally, I think you should expect to talk about abandonment. We had to do that and my BF was very reluctant to talk about it. The guilt was enormous and he felt bad about himself but resentful because he felt that I had "pushed him" so that his feelings died and he had to leave.
That conversation still stings for me. He left. He failed me. I was not and am still not prepared to be to blame for that. However, with counseling, we've both come to terms with a) why it happened and b) how to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Communication is key. Respect is essential. Love and "spark" are an enormous part but I have learned that real intimacy comes from sharing at your gut level. An uncomfortable place to go - but that's where I'm starting to think trust comes from.
The guilt was enormous and he felt bad about himself but resentful because he felt that I had "pushed him" so that his feelings died and he had to leave.
That conversation still stings for me. He left. He failed me. I was not and am still not prepared to be to blame for that. However, with counseling, we've both come to terms with a) why it happened and b) how to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Don't leave us (me) there... what were the answers to (a) and (b)...? My ex is still in the 'blaming me' stage...
Why? He does have issues with commitment and when he felt overcommitted, he was not "attracted" to me anymore. He felt burdened by me and by the responsibilities of our relationship. He was focusing his attention on what he thought he was missing.
For me, I wanted to talk but not the most constructive way. It was a lot about me and my feelings (which added to him feeling overcommitted) and what I really wanted was assurances that we were going to be okay. Unfortunately, as I said, I focused on how much he wasn't giving me and looking for artificial "evidence" that we were going to be okay.
For example, I was looking for him to say that he wanted to spend time with me, too, and looking for him to be excited about picking out new paint for the master bedroom (sounds crazy but it was a really big deal at the time). While seeking reassurance, that felt very needy to him. I also was keeping score - did we talk to each other every day? did he call/email me first?
What we've learned in therapy was that we're both very lousy communicators. We literally stink at it. So, now it feels like we're learning each pitfall in our communication by a third party. Still, if it works.
For instance, now, if he needs space - he simply says that. I need space for awhile. No grand excuses about, "because I have to..." do this or that which made me feel like he chose something else over me. And I simply ask, "We're going to be okay, correct?" He says yes and we both agree to the space.
Knowing that someone is still going to be there took away a great deal of my insecurities. Knowing that I will not "cling" as he perceived it, has taken a great deal of his issues away. We now find that we spend more time together than before but we both feel less pressured by our relationship. I am so less insecure than I used to be. When I look back, I see that what everyone else was telling me, "Just relax," was truly right. I am relaxed and I've found a whole new part of myself. It makes me feel sexy, confident and independent regardless of my relationship status.
My BF has also become actively engaged in our relationship at every step and is now counseling one of his dearest friends about getting over his fear of commitment. (Yes, it is too funny to watch. I don't say much.)
Any tips from those of you who decided to try to reconcile with your ex?
Mine, after 2 months, and overwhelming contact on his part, finally realized that he was wrong and wants to try again. We've had many conversations about what went wrong, how we can go about things differently, and we deeply love each other and have been absolutely miserable apart. (long story, see my 23 page thread, Over or not over?)
Just want to be well prepared for this meeting next week. Going in with extreme caution. Any advice?
good luck!!! You are already lucky you get to at least see him. I've been straight no contact for almost three months since I packed up my things from her house. I know I will never get that second chance because she left me for another guy.
By the way, I should have said that he has learned that it is wrong to leave if he gets overwhelmed. That he cannot and should not expect any more second chances. Both the therapist and I have said this. Our therapist made it clear to me that I could not ever give him a second chance again as it will then be a pattern of behavior that he is CHOOSING not to control and that it would be self-destructive on my part to go back a third time.
We both truly understand that and I think that he truly is ashamed by that behavior. He has certainly expressed this enough in the past few months.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Good Luck
Linear Mode
