Your writing is outstanding, and is definitely a therapeutic way of letting go...I feel the exact same way. My gf and I split (decided to take a break for a while) at the end of August....she needed to find herself, focus on her career. I was actually pretty supportive of the decision as she said she didn't want to break up permanently. I asked her this much. I have to agree 100%, that if the woman was having doubts and chose NOT to communicate with you in a serious heart-to-heart....then shame on her....that's what mine failed to do. We had a great summer, despite job and financial insecurity on my end....(work in the auto industry)...which I sheilded her from. We spoke at the end of July about wedding plans, bridesmaids (who they should be..etc)....she even asked my mother in mid august if she had announced the newest member of her side of the family at a recent reunion, her? I took these as all positive signs. Amongst them, however, were emotional text messages...."I'm not sure what's going on with us"...."I'm having mixed emotions"...my retorts were usually, "I'm not going to text on this"....let's talk about things"...never happened. In the end I blame myself to a point for not pushing us to talk more, but largely blame her for not fighting for the two years we spent together. Now she’s seeing her former “best friends” recently divorced ex-husband, and has been since mid September. She has yet to admit it, but I did call her out on it in a rather harsh email, that clearly upset her. Her only retort was my accusations were bs….actually they weren’t, the guy literally lives around the corner from me, less than a mile. She’s either ashamed and/or embarrassed?
More of the same crap bulldozed, sorry to hear it. Keep your head up - the point of mine that you drew out, is worth drawing out again and again and that is....
If people leave - then they shouldn't be people we would have wanted to end up with. No matter how much that stinks,...if they are capable of this then we are better off without them. Its just getting through the tough times that we have to face. Yeah - we invested time and spent time day dreaming of the future that included them, now we just have to change our focus.
I agree! It's a tough pill to swallow regardless....you go two years with someone, and in the final month you realize, your ability to judge character is deeply flawed....Love is definitely blind!
More truth came out recently that paints a more complete and finished picture.
It seems no more then 2-3 weeks after we split she started dating her "best friend". He was a guy that always rubbed me wrong. She insisted years ago, she would never date the guy "hes like a brother to me, that is gross". Well within two weeks after splitting from me she is dating him. So 2-3 weeks inside of dating him, I was told a friendship couldn't exist at all because he would said he would be bothered by me being a friend. That is completely understandable.
But this leaves me a little upset - I came to the conclusion that our relationship was not going anywhere and I am happy she ended it. We did buy a dog together shortly before the break. It was the type of dog she knew I had always wanted and we even named him the name I have always wanted. Her situation lends to allowing her to keep the dog better then mine does. Now because of the new dude I can never see my dog again, which I loved, like a child.
So this tells me that I was right in suspecting that she had feelings for him. Like I said, they could not have been dating for more then 3 weeks and she is already saying "I am happier then I have ever been" and at only 3 weeks into the new relationship, she is willing to toss out 4 years and two months of a friendship. Yes we were more, but we were friends first above all. To be that serious that quickly tells me one of two things:
She is psychotic - a new relationship so quickly with no down time can't be healthy.
or
She finally got what she wanted - which was a relationship with this guy.
I need to stress I am fine with the relationship ending. I never took it farther then dating - but I am sad I lost my best friend in all of this.
My friend, If i may give you advice. I'm not here to make u feel bad, but believe me when i tell you, you're story is far from unique. I have been in the same exact shoe that you wear, and even tho im not fully healed i will tell you this much. If you are looking for a cure to your heartache, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT. Allow your body to "kill/dissolve" itself. Regardless of all the great wisdom everyone will share with you, no one other than yourself will be able to transition forward. An i know your type too well!, for i am one. Its not a matter of being to nice or caring. Its a matter of learning how unconditional love is not safe!. Dont take this advice as me telling you to be cold or mean now, but be reminded of the quote "the cup is always half full". Now if i am right(which im mighty sure i am), you should be clouded now and ask how this quote will apply? Follow the thought here! imagine "your" life as the cup, and the water in the cup as "life" itself. regardless of how much water is in the cup, you will always need to drink. the water will go up, and the water will go down. There will be times you will have too much water, and at times you will be desperate for a sip. the moral of the story is, as unnecessary as you may feel it is to be sad right now and long for her. In life you needed this experience so you may truly understand what kind of cup will best fit you. ALLOW yourself to feel your emotions, DONT allow your emotions to feel you!. its ok to be sad, and regardless of how normal it is, we all feel the sadness we carry is very unique and will never be healed, and that fear in itself will teach you lessons no person on this planet can ever teach you.
if you need to talk my friend, im only a click away, feel free to let me know, im always on aim
Same thing happened to me bro. Broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. I neglected her the same way you did. I was too stress trying to look for a job and getting into school. She graduated nursing and she told me yesterday that she felt that I wasn't happy for her. We talked about getting married and I really thought my future was with her.
I broke up with her first in month of August and she tried getting me back. I neglected her more cause I was with someone. I got back with her a month later and I told her how I was seeing someone. She couldn't take it and finally left me. I even bought her roses and left it in front of her house as well.
She is now with someone else and she tells me she is happy. She is gonna come see me this week and pick up the other things I made her, so atleast she is still accepting things from me. Im just trying to show her I really cared about her but at the same time Im not expecting her to come back to me. I just want to be able to tell myself that im happy I tried in beginning. Only time will tell.
Last thing she did say to me, was that she was didn't know what she wanted. Im so confused, can't sleep, eat or concentrate knowing that I messed up bad.
Hopefully it works out for both of us with the same girls we had or with someone new.
Last edited by Johnstamos77; 3rd November 2009 at 4:04 PM..
Reason: left out a word
I think all things work together in the end, its just the present that bugs us and holds us back. I have been out on two dates now, with two very nice ladies.
I realize and have been honest to both ladies that I am not yet ready for a real relationship, and I may never be with either of them. Its hard to try and build a friendship, when you start under the guise of a date. I literally was to much into my relationship. I had friends and kept those friends, but I find myself really lonely now days.
So I don't think I am going to start seriously dating any one person, until I can be happy being single. Until I can be happy just doing things for myself again.
Wednesday Oct 28th 2009
I really thought I would quit writing in this and adding to it. I thought I would be able to move on by now. Truth is, every single day I think about her, I think about her reasons and how we found ourselves where we are.
As I was switching jackets today, I found a note that she had written me in May before I took off on my motorcycle adventure for Montana. I thought I had put away anything that would remind me of her.
I sat down and read the note. There was nothing but love, real love pouring out from her hand through the pen and onto the paper when she wrote that letter. I’ve read the other stuff that she had given me as well – and it’s more of the same. It speaks of a lady who was in love; A lady who was truly devoted to me, somebody who time and time again had handed me her heart. I thought I was doing what was best for us, I didn’t think there were any real issues and I thought things were truly okay with where we were. Aspects about marriage and making more of a commitment had come up time and time again – but every time they did I felt we addressed them and understood each other. This is perhaps because she never really opened up about what she wanted. I think that perhaps she wanted more again and again and I never saw it. I think she thought she would be forcing the issue and forcing me into something that I didn’t want. I think that is why she kept quite about it. I wish she hadn’t. I am not saying this as blame towards her in this at all. I really think that I hurt her over and over again, by side-stepping the issue. I believe I might have broken her heart many times. She then realized from her point of view that I had done nothing but hurt her and broken her heart and that was going to continue like that forever. That is when she decided that she was going to have to call our relationship to an end. She prepared herself mentally for it, she had decided in her head that no matter what she had to end the relationship. I think that explains why those two times that I talked to her, once at her house and once in a parking lot, she had set her mind up to one possible outcome. So at that point it didn’t matter that I wanted to propose to her at her place. It didn’t matter to her anymore when I told her I loved her in the parking lot. She was already prepared to walk away. I can’t say I blame her.
It honestly has taken me a bit to get here. It has taken me a bit to understand what all has gone on. At first I placed blame on her – and I wasn’t accepting of her reasons. I saw them as excuses; I couldn’t see how somebody could turn away from something they had wanted at the point of time that it was finally presented to them. I think this is why she has gotten upset with me when I have tried to contact her. I think I finally understand that repeated pain can cause somebody to shut down.
If this is the case – then I would love the ability to sit that girl down and tell her from every part of my heart and soul that I am sorry things happened the way they did and I made the mistakes I made. I can’t do that though, I can’t contact her, I can’t tell her I am so very sorry for causing her pain through all of this. At this point I am not even sure if she would believe me, but every single piece of me wants to let that sweet lady – that she was my queen and I messed up. I know I can’t bring her back, I know I can’t do anything of the sort. I don’t want her to think that she wasn’t deeply loved, that it was just something to me that didn’t matter.
God has his plan in all of this. The outcome is the outcome no matter how you look at it, but never question the fact that I expected to live the rest of my days with that lady.
Sunday Nov 1st 2009
Well I just learned from her tonight that her new boyfriend has a problem with us being friends. It is just now a little over five weeks since we first broke up. I agree with the breakup, as in we were sitting stagnate and not moving anywhere.
Usually after a break up, people take time for themselves. They learn how to be fine without having to depend on another person; I am in the middle of doing this. She on the other hand has already got herself into a committed relationship, one to the point where her new dude has problems with me. That is an unhealthy start for the relationship; she doesn’t realize she needs to take some time for herself, after spending four years and months with another person.
There are a couple things about it that bother me. One, we had a dog together. Now I am never going to be able to be around that dog. I did love the little guy, but now he will grow up completely without me. Two, the dude is a dick head through and through, but somehow she has managed to over look certain aspects about him, that had annoyed her when she saw those aspects in different people. On our double date that we had with him and his girl friend at the time, he explained why he was attracted to her, with the words “she was the blonde, with the big tits”. Normally those words from anyone else would have appalled her, but somehow she is willing to over look that. She never liked guys with tattoos and thought them to be trashy, well he has them and she is over looking that.
I hope this new relationship works for her. I do mainly because I thought we had a good base for a friendship. We had an amicable break up, maybe not so much for me at first, but I am hard headed and I came around. I thought we could do fine in life as friends because we truly cared about the other person and supported the other person continually. I even continued to do that after she broke up with me. The fact that she would even toss our friendship away is insulting to me. It’s also not very compassionate; there can’t be any slowly drifting apart. Now it is sudden and full.
I can sit here and honestly say that I have no want of a relationship with her, I miss the friendship though. If things don’t end up working with this dirt bag, I hope she can realize what a friend she could have in me. I to, later on down the road my have a significant other, if she comes back into contact at that time, I will have to consider the wishes of the person I am with, but I will not totally abandon her.
Wednesday Nov 4th 2009
As I sit here at 12:46am I can’t help but feel a mix of pain, sadness and pure anger stemming from all that has transpired over the last couple of months. The excuses she gave me, that she was tired of waiting for me to ask her to marry her, do not float at all. If somebody truly had wanted to seriously marry another person – then there is no way they could have moved on and into a new relationship not even three weeks after the split. The move to a new relationship means – means that somebody she had truly wanted to marry two months ago is now no longer in their life at all and in anyway what-so-ever and she is perfectly fine with that. That hurts. Whether us being together was meant to be or not, we had four years together, four years that we were close. By throwing that all away so fast, shows me that I never meant **** to her. Sure she might have thought, she cared, but that bitch doesn’t know her own heart, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to toss this away.
Yeah it has been tough for me as well. She has been calling me alot this past couple days and now I dont even know what to think of it. Now i just sit here wondering if she is going to call me today.
We just gotta keep ourselves up and not think about about what could of been. Just know we messed up and hopefully we learn never to take a loved one for granted. If it was meant to be she will be back.
So - after four years I am waiting for a thumb drive to get sent to me via snail mail, so I can load it up with pictures of hers (family) etc that are on my computer.
She doesn't have a thumb drive so she needs to buy one. Her new boyfriend makes being friends impossible, even though I am fine with it, hes not. I told her I always wanted to help her and see her through anything that I could, but she made the choice to toss me away completely. Like the four years was nothing.
So anyway, while out on a date of sorts yesterday, (actually having the lets be friends,I am not ready to date yet talk), I get two text messages from her.
"Do you think 8 gig is enough?"
then,
"What about 16 gig? I really have no clue..."
So she sends me these text messages asking for help - after she had told me that being friends wouldn't work at all? After she pretty much told me that the four years we had together meant less then the new 3-4 week relationship she is now in?
Why the hell should I help her. She made the choice, I made her aware that with her choice she was cementing the door shut and I would no longer help her.
I really wanted to text her back saying "I don't know, ask your new f'ing boyfriend" - but I held my tongue or thumbs rather, and didn't respond with anything.
I have been captivated by your story. I am absolutely shocked at how similiar your story is to mine. PLEASE continue to give us updates on how the situation is panning out. Reading your posts is comforting to know there are others out there like me.
The love of my life cheated on me with an old flame, moved out of our apt, and then started dating him in a long distance relationship. Its only been a few weeks since our breakup, but she calls and texts me constantly to tell me she made a mistake (yet she stays with her new man in this new relationship)....SAME thing for me bro. I was actually getting ready to propose next month! I had been shopping around for engagement rings for a while and wanted the moment to be perfect. I know she was afraid of spending her life with me..she is 6 years younger than me. in any event, we are at a crucial point right now where she is realizing her mistakes and i try to play it cool as if her hurt doesnt bother me. id love to continue hearing your story
I still wake up thinking about her and I still think about her throughout the day. I can't seem to shake the idea that the woman I dated for four years was trying to fit into something that she was not. Its hard to imagine that what she showed me of who she was, was not really who she was. You would think that in four years that would have surfaced.
Anyway, last night I went out with some friends. While out, I get a text message from her saying that she has shipped the thumb drive. I try not to see it as a personal insult that after four years, things have become so impersonal. I see no need to respond. A little bit later I get another text message from her saying "are you getting my messages?" - I chose not to respond to that either.
I had asked her if we could remain friends, but she went along with the new guy, and decided our four years were nothing to her, and her new boyfriend (who is a jerk) is more important. Her family went along with it as well, as I haven't heard anything from anyone in a couple of weeks. So, I sit here pretty much on my own. Less then two months ago, everything that I did or didn't do carried an issue with it. I should stop smoking, stop riding my motorcycle, spend more time with her, etc etc. Now it does not matter to her what I do at all? That is one hell of a shift.
I have decided, that I miss the relationship. I miss having that person to live for, I miss having that person that I felt lived for me. I do not miss HER though. She has shown me time and time again, that I can love somebody but I had picked the wrong somebody. For me to get past this and still face each day, I have to get to the point were I don't care about her anymore. Where I am living for me and happy doing so. I think the contact I do have with her from time to time, has not done anything good for me. It has made me hold on to something that is not shared.
At this point, yes I would love to hear from her and be able to be around her. But she has showed me time and time again, that I don't matter to her at all in the least. So I have to forget about her and move on, I have to remove any lingering hope I have in my mind of anything.
I have tried to get back into dating, but I realize that I am just replacing one dependency with another and that is not right, nor is it healthy. As much as my heart was into it when I was about to propose to her, it was for the wrong reasons. She was not the girl for me and she knew it, that is why she stopped me. I actually appreciate that fact, that she did not just go along with it.
Like I said, it is still a tough pill to swallow, that somebody could have been trying to be something for four years and I never REALLY noticed that. Or, perhaps I did and that is why, I never was pushed by my heart to propose in those four years.
So I am talking with a friend on the phone, when my phone starts beeping that there is another call incoming, I see that it is the ex and just hit ignore. After a bit, it beeps again that there is a voice mail.
So I listen to the voice mail and it goes something like this:
"Hi its me, I know I said being friends wouldn't work, just wanted to make sure your alrig... that your getting my messages about the phone bill. I know your working but I don' know when you are (she goes on to talk about the phone bill)... so call me or send me a text message, I am working tonight at four"
So the story about the phone bill is that I was added to her contract that she shares with her mum and sis. After I guess a couple days of dating the new guy, she sends me a message that shes going to have my line released so I can get my own contract or get on another account.
So I after listening to the message I deleted it. I have decided not to call her back at all. No contact and pushing her out of my mind is the only way I am going to be able to heal from this crap at all. Every time I have some sort of contact, so weak aspect of my brain kicks in and hope starts to build up.
Her message was aimed at business and does not require a reply at all. She is the one who decided not to have me in her life at all, so she can deal with consequences of her actions. To me, everything she has said or done after the "we talked and he thinks it wouldn't work to be friends" text message has been a half assed attempt at not being friends. She needs to take this **** seriously.
I am my own worst freaken enemy at this point. Unless I am completely occupied and even at times when I am occupied I constantly think about her. I think, perhaps she isn't really dating this guy, perhaps this has been something that she used to make me move on. I think of many situations that my mind makes up that would make taking her back some day a reality. But in the end I know I will never have her back and I need to move on for myself. Its the mind games that are played out in my head that aren't healthy.
Its been about a month and a half since she split us up,.. I have since been on 3 dates with 2 women. The first date, there just wasn't anything there. The other dates were with a really nice and sweet girl that I potentially could see myself falling for. The only problem is, I started thinking about things and thought to myself, would I just be replacing one dependancy with another? Would I be using this girl to occupy my time and fill in the gaps left by the ex?
So I sat the new girl down and told of my situation and that I wasn't ready to start dating yet, as I didn't think I could do so and be fair to her at the same time. She was a little taken back, but she came around and decided we would do the friend thing.
So I know, I am not ready to start dating yet. I have a long way to go personally. I think when I can be happy being by myself again, then I will start looking to date again. Until then, my ex really has ruined the last 4 years and some odd months of my life.
Well sir, you have had one crappy ride here over the past month or so. My deepest heartfelt sympathy.
Reading your thread here has brought back a ton of memories. Over 20 years ago I was 3 weeks away from my wedding and walked in on my fiance having sex in my bed with a friend of mine. Took me well over 15 years to be able to get to a point where I would allow someone to have my heart, only to find THE ONE....
And only to get cheated on again.
Although you are seemingly doing the right things, and as hard as it is, I really suggest that you stick as much as possible to NC at all. I know that the revelation of your EX dating the complete opposite of you is awful. In both cases with my relationships, the same thing happened.
Better with time??? My last breakup happened 17 months ago. I went complete NC. Only to get a text message at 2 in the morning from her a year later saying "I'm sorry I hurt you".
I know you have your bad and good days. But please do yourself a favor....
Delete her from your life and try as much as possible to make her insignificant. I know 4 years is a boatload of time to throw away, but that makes it even more important.
She texts you with non important stuff because she can. And she knows eventually you are going to respond. She is too proud to admit that the 4 years DID MEAN SOMETHING so this is her little game with you. She will remain in a minimum of contact with you...just enough to throw that carrot out to satisfy her own curiosity that indeed you are still thinking about her. Obviously if the new guy has demanded "no friendship" between you two and she is calling or texting you she is trying to see in her own mind if she is winning. So my advice to you is that you make her feel a symbolic consequence of this behavior by deleting her from your life and by taking time for yourself.
I know it sounds very cliche', but the easiest way to get past this is to make her insignificant (for the time being).
Personally I'd hedge a bet she will not be dating the new guy for very long. He is the Poster Boy for a Rebound relationship. But at any rate make it very difficult for her to just simply "have the scales fall from her eyes" when it does happen, because it will.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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