Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
once someone cheats on you what can they do to allow you to forgive them?
I already posted about my situation in the "Long Distance Relationship" thread, so I won't rehash all the details, but basically my g/f (ex finance) cheated on me while we were in an LDR. She never did while we lived together (about 8 years) and now we have moved back together.
I know she's sorry about it and she's been nothing but wonderful to me since we've been back together. I honestly don't think she will cheat on me again, like I said I won't get into circumstances (and I know none can justify infidelity) but they are such that if any situation lent itself to forgiveness it's this. - I guess a quick explanation - I told her I would move with her, went back on my word and instead said we'd have to make it an LDR for 4-5 years, she told me time and time again that she couldn't do it, she called me up crying for months that she missed me so badly and couldn't stand living apart, finally she cheated on me but flew out to tell me in person after it happened and says she still really only wants to be with me.
But there is a strange thing I'm noticing to cheating... even if realistically I highly doubt she'll ever cheat on my again I can't shake this uneasy feeling, I still don't have complete trust in her like I did...
I messed up bad but then moved back with her and it restored her confidence in me. I know she messed up bad and she knows it too, but aside from constant apologies what can she do to help restore my confidence in her?
any thoughts? anyone mess up and cheat but find a way to make it up? If so how?
There is nothing anyone could possibly do to have me forgive them for cheating. I doubt I will ever understand how people can stay with a person that has so thoroughly proven themself to be unworthy of the relationship.
__________________
hard to believe you can't get what you dream
but if you try sometimes you might find
you get what you steal
It's certainly hard... but I think it all depends.
I am a firm believer that cheating is symptom of a problem in the relationship, not the problem itself. Now, the problem might be that the other person is just a total slut! But in my case I know that's not true. She never cheated on anyone else she's ever been with and never in all the years we lived together.
The problem with us was the distance, and now it's gone. But now I still have some kind of resentment or trust issue or... I donno honestly what the **** it is... but I'm just wondering if anyone has a success story about how they at least "helped" the person they cheated on get over it
The problem with us was the distance, and now it's gone. But now I still have some kind of resentment or trust issue or... I donno honestly what the **** it is... but I'm just wondering if anyone has a success story about how they at least "helped" the person they cheated on get over it
She has to find some way to show you that she still respects you.
My WW cheated on me when we were first dating 24 years ago.
I justified her cheating as you did.
I blamed my lack of commitment on it.
I blamed that she was on vacation on it.
I didn't really say to myself....well, I have got a cheater for a girl.
I forgave her, but I lacked trust for a while.
Years later, we got engaged, and she had a druken ONS during that engagement. Again, I blamed myself for many reasons, not her.
I forgave again and moved on...at that point we had so much time invested.
Fast forward another 12 years....this time ..... she had a six month affair.
Before this, I never really believed 'once a cheater, always a cheater', but unfortunatly, now I do.
Not because of my experience, but of many books I have read and research since this last affair.
If someone cheats early in the relationship.....it is very, very likely that it will happen again over the next 40 years!
I can assure you, the next time will make this seem like a walk in the park.
I sense from your post, that you really want to make it work between you, but the trust issue is standing in your way. The things that she can do, is to be completely transparent. Everything she does, everyone she speaks to, including texting, e-mail, phone, etc. everyplace she goes, has to be approved by or known to you. But this cannot go on indefinitely. At some point, she will either prove her trustworthiness enough so that you will be able to let it go, or you will realize that you will never be able to trust her, no matter what she does. This is going to take time and lots of work on both of your parts. The other alternative is to break up now, so you can find somebody you can trust, and she can find somebody to be faithful with. You need to communicate your concerns to her and make your decision together. Good Luck
The problem with us was the distance, and now it's gone.
Not really. You were also long distance, and I assume you also found it really hard to be away from her, but YOU did not choose to cheat. SHE did. So there is a fundamental difference between those who choose to cheat when there is a relationship issue, and those who do not.
Your gf showed you that she is the kind of person who could and would betray you when the going gets tough. That is an issue within her - there is something in her character that allowed her to choose to do something completely unnecessary yet hurtful to you knowing that it would hurt you.
I don't know you can get past that except in time, with her showing you over time that she is trustworthy. The one thing you have going for you is that she didn't lie to you about it and didn't try to fool you by hiding it. That IS important if you are trying to reconcile.
1. You need to CHOOSE to forgive her and move on. This is very difficult.
2. And she needs to prove that she is trustworthy. This will take time.
Forgiveness is an act that happens despite what someone else has done. It means that you forgive her of her cheating and from there plan to build a future together again. BUT...in order for this to be possible, she will need to do everything to show that she is worthy of your forgiveness.
Is it possible? Yes.
Is it easy? No.
Is it worth it? That is for you to decide.
__________________ "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, the other is to let her have it." --LBJ
I can't shake this uneasy feeling, I still don't have complete trust in her like I did...
You don't think she'll cheat, but you can't trust her? Buddy, take it from us... Once a cheater always a cheater... It's just the next time she goes to cheat, she just won't tell you about it.
Anyway, I think the best answer to your question would be...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Citizen Erased
There is nothing anyone could possibly do to have me forgive them for cheating. I doubt I will ever understand how people can stay with a person that has so thoroughly proven themself to be unworthy of the relationship.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
(Back at the Original Poster)
First of all, stop classifying cheating as a mistake, because it is not! It's a decision a person made and acted upon selfishly! It is the absolute worst thing that you can do in a relationship and it has no equal in terms of damage done! That said, why would you want to stay with someone that's too weak or selfish to make the right choice when faced with any type of self-vulnerability?
I would highly recommend that you leave her and find a lady that has more respect for you, herself, and your relationship! Trust me, you don't have to feel this way in a relationship.
Last edited by Javelin; 6th October 2009 at 7:52 PM..
I've been down this road before, but of course no relationship is the same. In my case, even though I tried to trust my ex-girlfriend after she cheated for the first time in a LDR, she simply became better at hiding and masking her infidelities over time. In your case, the LDR is thankfully coming to an end, which is a good thing. However, your girlfriend will need to do her part in being 100% transparent with you from now on. Trust, but verify.
Unfortunately, in my case I wasn't able to bring the LDR to an end and couldn't verify very well and my ex ended up cheating again a few years later for the second and final time. It's much worse the second time around, especially if you've invested a great deal of emotions in trying to make the relationship work. Trust is an extremely fragile thing, and it's the responsibility of the cheating party to ensure that they are transparent with you, especially if you were trusting them to not f-- up in the first place. Don't settle for anything less.
I think you guys giving "rational" advice are ignoring the fact that the OP realizes what the rational side of things are, and feeling an irrational uneasy feeling or lack of trust.
I often feel that men are less capable of accepting that their partners have cheated on them than women. There's actually an evolutionary reason for this, but most people here don't like hearing rhe scientific side of things.
Go for a holiday with her, and see if you can bond the same way you did at the very beginning of the relationship.
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